another trip around the sun.

I had a beautiful conversation with one of my best friends the other night. She was discussing how one of our mutual friends gave an assignment in their poetry circle where you had to write something as if you were 75 years old and then as if you were 15ish, and now. She found that her 75 year old self was so content and happy but her 15ish year old self was angsty and dissatisfied. her present self also resembled more of her 15 year old self than that of her 75 year old self. So we came to this question.....

When does the shift occur, if ever?

When do all of our "have to's" and "I haves" become enough?

When we dissected it and counted our blessings, we certainly found more than a lot of other people have....yet we still desire more or we hang our validation and happiness on things that shouldn't be the source of it. When I stop and think about it that way, it's true. I measure my worth, often, on other people's opinions, where my time is spent, how successful I am in my career and my business and none of those things are what keeps me company at the end of the day or comforts me when I'm sad. Don't get me wrong....I love all of those things but let's be real, my stapler and my computer don't bring me soup when I'm sick and the opinions I so often worry about really don't matter. The ones that matter are those of the people surrounding me in my life....the ones who love me unconditionally.
I want to be the 75 year old woman who notices the first beautiful fall day and, instead of complaining about it, chooses to relish in another trip around the sun and cozy sweaters. Yesterday was that fall day here...and first, I was cold and chilled....but I did actually think about the last year on my drive home last night. I thought about all that I've done instead of all I didn't get to doing.

I photographed an Aspen wedding...two Georgia weddings....countless families, couples, children and seniors have crossed my path....my WI brides have been solidified into my heart....I've changed jobs and found myself challenged and outside of my comfort zone. At times, it's been terrifying and exhausting but most days it's pretty awesome to see the changes that have happened for the better. I've been an active long distance participant in my Godsons lives. They keep growing....time keeps moving....and I live for facetime bedtime stories and the many ways i get to be a part of their little lives even being 1000+ miles away. Alaina and I have had some amazing adventures and little Logan has gone from an itty bitty to this little person with the sweetest personality. I, too, have had some pretty fantastic adventures with some of  my most favorite people. I've also learned a lot about who I am and what I want in this life. I've learned that my deal breakers have changed a bit recently and the things that are priorities are different than they were last year because I'm a bit different than last year.

When I shift my focus and look at the many things I have done instead of all of the things waiting for me on my desk, I believe I am strong and fantastic and brilliant and capable of doing anything I want. 

The trick is shifting that focus more often so the fulfilling parts of my life are less about the amount of work I have to do and more about the many beautiful victories and miracles that happen around me every day....because they do happen. All of the time. And, I can be content with my life if I allow it more often. I have been such a perpetual climber that sometimes I forget to stop where I am and soak in the world around me.....the many accomplishments I've had recently and since I stepped foot into this great big world.

Last night's drive home was good for my heart. It reminded me that I'm not as far off as I think I am sometimes and just because I CAN do everything doesn't mean I HAVE to do everything. I didn't think about the things on my to do list or 5 year plan. I just thought about how beautiful it is to be me and how blessed I am to truly live every day of my life. It's more than I ever dreamed possible most days.

I am here. I am doing. And that, friends, is enough.

time.

my touch lamp has been turning off pretty frequently since i turned it on this morning. no one is near it...not the dogs...not me...and the plug is fine....

i believe in signs. i believe, firmly, that i have a visitor this morning while i edit.
it's given me a beautiful opportunity to think about how far i've come. five years ago, i didn't think i'd ever be okay again. i didn't believe anyone when they told me that time would help. i don't know that it's easier. but i do know that it hurts less some days and other days it still hurts more. i also know that time has been one of my most faithful and loyal teachers. it has given me some of the best memories and moments of my life. it has also served as an awful reminder of dates and hard things that i've lost. if there is anything it's done, though, it has certainly allowed me the space to recreate myself and that may be the best gift i've received. i would not be who i am if i had not gone through every single part of my life. there are days i would love to give it back and start over....but most days, i'm really thankful that i've had the ability to learn about life by living it and not just by standing by.

earlier this summer, i ended up at miller park and it has been with me ever since....on our way to summerfest, we had to stop to pick up a race packet. i remember feeling my heart constrict and i knew, then, that it would be a defining moment in this journey....so far, i have continued to process the many ways in which i thought i'd be okay with it and wasn't. i have avoided that place like the plague. it was the very last thing i did with chris. he was such a brewer fan--more than most and as we pulled into the stadium and made the same loop i had made with him a dozen or more times, i felt my heart clench and come so close to breaking. it was surreal. i remembered him so hard....it smelled like him...i could see him more vividly....i heard him laughing in my head....i heard him asking me where to park and outlining just how much time we'd have before we had to get inside. there was no way out and it felt like a brick house was just laying there on my chest.....and then, before i knew it, we were gone and i was prepared to cry and feel something awful but instead i just decided to breathe and hold on until i got to one of my best friends and she reminded me it was okay and squeezed me so tight...

you see, i'm not sure that i could have bravely moved even an inch inside of that place 3 or even 2 years ago. it was the one place in the world that i didn't think i'd ever be able to go again. but i did....and if you had asked me to choose to go, i wouldn't have. in fact, i'm pretty certain i still wouldn't go if you asked me even now.....but i know that i can....and that's more than i had just a few short months ago. i am always learning and growing...it's one of the few things i am proudest of....i know just how far i've come. 

time has taught me so much, especially in the last 10 months.....i've learned that big changes are scary but they aren't impossible. i've learned people love people differently and that's okay. i've learned, for myself, that small steps are still steps and i'm braver and stronger than i ever considered. i've learned that taking time to enjoy the small things and making room for the people who love you most is necessary so it means i've been behind on many parts of my life but it's because i've been spending my time making my own memories and that is okay. 

so, today, i soak up the last day of summer with a flickering touch lamp and a thankful heart. this summer gave me a beautiful birthday, the ability to chase the daylight, live music, a festival, a trip to a cottage with no cell service, memories, visits with friends, adventures, celebrations and a lot of unexpected lessons. how short it was....but, i suppose, it was the perfect amount of time to live through it....and not just get through it. 

happy labor day, friends. 

unplugged.

300+ miles. 6 photo shoots. 1 pontoon ride. 2 speed boat rides. 2 sleeps in a cottage. 1 game of cards against humanity. 1 game of catchguesstures. 2 nights of acoustic guitar. hours of laughter. zero sunshine. little rain. and my best friends all under one roof.

this is the first weekend in too long where i turned off my phone and truly disconnected myself from anything outside my three foot bubble. i didn't miss it. at all. it would go off and i'd ignore it. or i'd leave it by my bed and not even think about it. the only thing i used it for was to take pictures....and it got me thinking. how much time have i spent being connected to a 4 inch rectangle. when i was up north i wasn't thinking about facebook or my email or the dozens of different sounds it's been programmed to make so i knew which was of importance every time i hear something go off. i love the connection that it brings me to others but i also love how nice it was to not have any service and not have to be in control of every single part of my life.

it forced me to disconnect from my email and messages for my business along with checking over resume attachments for the clinic. i didn't touch my computer once. i have a giant pile of work but i allowed myself to breathe....i lived a little. and i was present. granted, it's much easier to do this when most of your favorite people are just a few rooms from you but it was so fantastic to slow down. i never allow myself the ability to do that. it's either guilt about all of the work on my desk, feeling like i need to do more and this unrealistic desire to DO EVERYTHING. ridiculous. i need to find a way to do it more and feel okay about doing it....because it's good for me.

i also had the opportunity to have one amazing conversation. one of my friends is like my brother. he and i have been through so much together....and last night we snuggled up and talked about so many things that are so very close to my heart. i haven't had one of those in too long. he reminded me of all of the things i know so well...but he does it in this genuine and loving way that only few people really know how to do....especially to get straight to this heart. he remembered with me...cried with me...and made me feel like everything i'm feeling is absolutely okay. he held me and i felt like my entire world was okay. everyone needs a friend like that. someone to help your world stop and allow you a soft space to land. the timing was perfect. as was his phone call tonight just to tell me he loves me.

it's truly amazing what roles people have in your life. i have different friends for so many different reasons. some make me laugh. some bring me comfort. every one of them brings me joy. it is rare to have so many beautiful people in my life. i know this. i see others who have nothing close...in fact, i know that each of my closest friends would be here in a heartbeat. right here. they'd rally around me and they'd hold me up until i could do it on my own. you know how i know this? because they've done it for me countless times. sometimes minor, sometimes tragic and sometimes over the most ridiculous things.

and now, i am soaking in the quiet that is my house. it feels a bit empty when i'm not surrounded by 6-14 others who fill my heart in so many different ways....but i am reminded that these weekends don't happen very often. people don't love like we do and i am beyond grateful to be loved by all of them. i am so sad it's over....yet so thankful for a weekend on a lake where we celebrated each other and our beautiful lives.

digging.

i have been doing a lot of soul searching lately....professionally and personally i have struggled in many places....and i always find that the moments when you are at a crossroads usually cause 2 responses for me....get in there and dig or run.

so, in an attempt for more....i've been digging.

it hasn't always been easy...and it has been hard. my heart physically hurts some days. those are the days when i get home and feel a bit lost and exhausted.....i also feel like there have been days, especially lately, where i have begun to think about big steps and decisions...like putting this house up for sale and donating the rest of chris' things instead of hanging on to them like a hoarder. they're just things...but they're his things...and while i don't look at them often, if at all, it is a little comforting knowing that they're just upstairs if i should need them. the beautiful part about this digging is it's made me realize i don't need them. i have him with me everywhere. it's like ee cummings said...."i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" and i believe that.

speaking of hearts, the most difficult lesson i've learned as of late is to accept and be okay with the fact that people love differently. a blog (or three) ago i let it all out about how hard it is....and you know what, it's still hard for someone like me. really hard some days. because i don't. get. it. but it's not impossible. it's perspective. i wear my heart on the outside and it's the best part of me. it doesn't mean i need to wear it less. it just means i have to be aware that other people's hearts are on the inside (technically mine is too, i am aware). i believe that understanding who people are is important....it takes a lot of compromise and care. i also believe that watching my dogs tug an old toy not made for tugging makes me laugh because any minute it will break and one of them is going to go flying. which leads to my next point.

living presently. i've made it my goal this birthday to be more present in my 29th year. i don't know if it's because 30 seems SO scary and big that it's allowed me the space to truly enjoy the minutes. my friend mike casey says, "if you focus on right now, i bet there's nowhere else you'd rather be" and he's right. i feel like i've learned that so much lately. it's why i've been working my heart out at making time for myself. every single day. carving time and minutes that will make life slow down just a little. but, in all of my digging, i have found that i am better and happier when i'm surrounded by my friends, family and the kids in my life.

and you know what?

it feels good.

i'm a better person to myself which makes me better for everyone else...and that's really an amazing feeling for me because it's validation that i'm doing everything i'm supposed to.

it also means i need to do more of it....that's the real challenge i think.

although, it becomes inherently easier to do when you feel like you're at the crossroads....because, if i'm being honest, i hate forks. they could be used as a weapon if necessary and, aside from eating, have no other use....which is why i am not a fan of forks in the road.

i am thankful for the space to learn and the ability to find what truly makes me happiest and do it. i feel like it would have been much easier to run. in fact, i know it would have, but it wouldn't have taught me a single thing. if there's anything i know, it's that there is always a lesson...but if you leave before you learn it, it's just a crappy situation.

so, if you find yourself in a position where you aren't sure if you should run or dig, i suggest digging....not because it's easy but because it makes you grow. it's dirty and there are rocks and sometimes even glass....but when you plow through all your stuff, you'll find a great big hole ready to be filled with the things YOU want and love. that may be my favorite part so far....filling it back up....with the things that make me happiest.

so, if you should find yourself needing a shovel anytime soon, i'd be happy to lend you mine.

happy friday, friends!

the wedding circuit.

i have always wanted to write a book. when i was in middle and high school, i had high hopes of being a writer, having my own column and letting my love affair with words be my sole (and soul) purpose. as i grew up, i realized that getting your own column is hard. so is having a lot of different material to work on. but i have not let go of the fact that i've wanted to write. i've used this blog to get out thoughts, feelings, etc and have, recently, thought hard about finding time to make/write a book.

you see, i'm in the wedding business. a photographer to be exact. let me set the stage. i was 24, newly married and also newly widowed, when i decided that i needed a giant distraction from the widowed part. what better way to honor my loss than to freeze time for others...something i didn't do nearly enough of in the short time i had with my husband. it made sense. so. january 4th, 2010 i applied for my business license and the rest is kind of history. i spent the better part of 2 years being a photographer who had an eye but sucked at editing unless it was black and white. anyone can pull off a black and white. yep. that was me. in those two years, people didn't think i was that bad and somehow i built a beautiful client base. many of them are still clients and i've had the beautiful opportunity to show them i now know how to edit and see their babies grow.

i was approached to do my first wedding and had absolutely no idea what to charge, how much time i was investing and, even more, just what a crazy ride i was in for. one wedding lead to two and now i have successfully shot 52 weddings. some destination, some more local and some complete chaotic messes. in those 52 saturdays (and sometimes fridays) i've come to know dj's, cake makers, photo booth experts, banquet managers, florists, designers and pinterest gurus as if we were good and close friends. recently, i photographed a wedding and said hey to the dj, chit chatted and caught up, and went to find my seat. while on my way there, my friend asked me how long i've known him. i told her not long, we just know each other through the wedding circuit. after saying it, she gave me a funny look and i explained that we are all a very different kind of people. we're magic makers. we get paid to bring out the best in these people and their guests. we are not just photographers or dj's or banquet hall managers. we are therapists, comforters, boutonniere pinners, kleenex fetchers, family-that-you-really-don't-love-distractors, comedians, veil straighteners, bobby pin experts and your everything person.

i can tell you that i've taken amazing photos. i can also tell you that i've talked brides off a ledge, sat with them, cried with them, and loved them as if they were my own sister. i've watched them cry over forgotten flowers, dresses gone bad, spilled drinks on their dress and a slew of other trivial things. i've held them, helped them to see the bigger picture and created moments for them that, after all of the dancing is over and the food is gone, will last a life time. it's truly the most challenging and rewarding position to be in.

any photographer will tell you there is so much pressure behind a wedding. these people trust you more than most of the people they've hired. bad food? most people won't notice too much. lame dj? if you've had enough to drink, anything is fun. bad photos? you can't fix that....at all. it's why i take so much care in each photo....why my lenses and gear has been chosen specifically...why every photographer is different...and why some people have magnificent photos and some do not. you have to hire someone who can be your everything person and still give you the experience and quality that you expect and need. for me, i am always saying that i need today to be my best wedding. for them. i wake up and turn on my wedding play list...get my heart in the right zone and hope for the best.

along the way, though, there have been so many stories and moments that have pushed me to really start putting my love affair with words into a concrete form. so, here it is, my declaration that i'm working on it. i'm about 20 pages in. and it's rough. but it's a start....and really, that's what most dreams are. a start.

as for now, i've got to get ready for another wedding....because today is going to be my best one.

life through statuses.

i haven't forgotten it.
the moment when someone i love so fiercely told me she couldn't get past her own stuff to celebrate or get me through mine.
i remember feeling hurt.
defeated.
and like i had no idea where the person who used to be my mirror was.

people change.

and they grow apart.

when you're not careful and you're not cultivating relationships, your birthday, your anniversary, your hardest moments, your hard anniversaries, your stress, your business, your life (and theirs), gets pushed lower and lower on the priority list and before you know it, they're missing all of the above.

so here i am, soaking in facebook statuses of a woman i once called my best friend.

and wondering where the shift happened but knowing there is no way to turn back.

so i have to go forward....find strength in the people who make an effort to be here and genuinely want to take part in this ride with me....

i am certain that it's hard. and some days, i am not easy to love.

but i am fiercely loyal. and i love deeply. harder than most. wider than a select few. and i promise that my heart is the best part about me.

i'm clinging to that tonight. and choosing to let go. friendship shouldn't be hard. in fact, it should be the best and easiest thing in the world.....and, if it isn't, then surely it's time to move on....at least, for this heart.

a lesson in loving people.

there is a lot on this heart of mine tonight. so much that I just don't know where to begin.

i have had a lot of hard lessons lately in how people love. i've always believed firmly that love is a verb....and that you should never let anyone doubt how you feel about them because you never know if you'll get a chance tomorrow or the next day. we know not the time or the hour, right? because i believe this and know it from experience, i go out of my way to do grand gestures, say the most meaningful things and genuinely build people up. i tend to surround myself with similar people who love hard like i do...they are loyal and generous with their words and time and they love hard-like it's a super power.

i have recently been challenged in one of my closest relationships...at least, proximity wise....and it's made me consider a lot of things i hadn't before. it's currently challenging me to accept and be okay with a love i do not understand. i don't know what it's like to have feelings you cannot give a voice to or what it's like to not lean on people. i have believed and told myself that a lot of my experiences have forced me to learn to rely and lean on people but i don't know if that's necessarily true. while i am very self sufficient, i have always cultivated deep relationships based on my ability to lean or hold another up. an orchestrated series of give-and-take events or so it would seem. it's part of how deeply i love people.

so the hard part comes in when you learn that not everyone loves like you do.

let me say it again. not. everyone. loves. like. you. do.

which means sometimes those people who give a love that you don't understand also don't understand the outpour and overflow of love that you stuff in their face. it means that even your best intentions, grand gestures and biggest love are sometimes smothering and not at all what another needs. it means that there are people who do not need to talk about their feelings and that's completely okay. it also means that you can still have alllll of your feelings but you need to know when it's appropriate to smother and when you need to reel it in. i think i'm trying to learn the art of that....because it's a dance....sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow.

i'm also learning that just because the reaction isn't what you wanted or hoped for doesn't mean it wasn't genuine. because they didn't use words you would have or given a response you wanted doesn't take away from what they did give....and sometimes all someone has to give are the small pieces and glimpses into their hearts.

i'm not sure, at this very moment, what i want out of this relationship going forward. i know that my heart has some mending and forgiving to do. things that i do feel justified in even though i have a better understanding of how another loves. i also know that you can't change someone and you can only hope that all of the things you are have made an impact.

so here i am, hoping that i'm not the only one who has a lot to learn about loving and accepting people....and that i can find a way to accept a love that is very different than mine. it's harder than it seems....because it requires a lot of faith and trust.....that even when you're unsure, you are loved deeply and hard even if that love is quieter and does not come with a bang....maybe it comes quietly and maybe you have to pay attention a little harder because if you aren't watching you just might miss it.

deep breath, commence.

I just took the biggest breath I've taken in quite a while. It's been a long time coming. If I'm being honest, I feel like I've been holding for the better part of 6 weeks....knowing that my hard days were all coming in great succession and feeling like I have been waiting for july 12th to grace my calendar for too long.

I have contemplated a lot lately....many changes and losses that have wrecked my heart and even more uncertainty and hope for a future that I cannot fully plan. I'm a doer and believe fully in shaping my life around the dreams and goals I have for myself. I carefully cultivate one, two and five year plans. I choose to surround myself with successful, like-minded and driven individuals.

And, sometimes I don't always meet all my goals. Sometimes I lose sight, change direction and feel like I've failed.

But if I allow myself permission to also see the many things I have done I find that there is much to be proud of and strength in the ability to start over.

So while I have lately felt like I am miserably failing at work and fighting the feeling like I'm not doing enough in my business or at home, I have allowed myself to take off the blinders and see the many things I am doing right and well....even if it's just for a short time.

this is the last year of my 20's....so it, of course, feels like I need to do something big. I'm not sure what--but something to symbolize the end of this era. I have done well, especially in the last few weeks, at living in my present, doing what i can and trying not to take on too much. I know it's a balance and it will all change....but right now, I feel like all I've got to do is figure out a few very hard challenges and I'll be alright....and that, right now, is more than enough.

So, while i consider all of the plans I've made and the many things I've set out to do, I am also very aware that it's entirely okay to let myself off the hook for the many things I wanted to accomplish but didn't. I also believe, fully, that I've done a lot of other fantastic things that I never expected. Give and take. Ebb and flow. Knowing that you can fake it for as long as you possibly can until you get it together again. Believing that you are more than you can see....and knowing that you are your own worst critic.

I have faith that what I've done is plenty. I also believe that celebrating today was less about what I lost and more about what i still have. It's easy to lose sight of that and while I was certainly said, I am also beyond grateful for the many who have come to my side and rescue lately. These days will always be hard...even with an open heart for the chance at love to come again. I cannot compare my journey to anyone else's.....so, because I love hard, I will always feel them and I will always miss him. That doesn't mean I'm not still moving forward or fighting another relationship....it means that someone gave me so much of himself that I will never forget it....and I am grateful to have experienced his love on this earth.

It isn't easy. One foot in front of the other is hard. But I'm doing it. And tonight especially, I am breathing through it.

I'm glad the worst of the hard days is nearly over. I'm more glad to report that I survived them all....because that, friends, is plenty.

emotional.

there's something to be said about letting yourself off the hook. after 7 days of emotional uncertainty, i am trying harder than i have previously to let go of the many things on my heart.
i lost a friend last week....by no fault of my own....but she's gone. and i cannot tell you how that hurts my heart. especially since i was so excited to work beside her. after some very hard conversations and a lot of soul searching, i'm reminded and very aware that nothing lasts forever and even if you build a relationship, it can easily be broken. and that's hard.

on top of that, i have been fighting the awful hardness that came with showing up somewhere i'd avoided for 5 years. last thursday, i was on my way to summerfest with one of my friends when he told me he needed to make a pitstop at miller park to pick up his race packet for sunday. i have avoided that place like the plague. it was the very last thing i did with chris. he was such a brewer fan--more than most and as we pulled into the stadium and made the same loop i had made with him a dozen times, i felt my heart clench and come so close to breaking. it was surreal. i remembered him so hard....it smelled like him...and while it brought me comfort for a few moments, it mostly reminded me why those things are still so hard for me. i felt like i was in the middle of a very bad dream and had no idea what i was supposed to about it. there was no way out and it felt like a brick house was just laying there on my chest.....and then, before i knew it, we were gone and i was prepared to cry and feel something awful but instead was distracted by some of the people i love the most....so it hit me much later and has stayed with me through the weekend.

yesterday i allowed myself the space to process all of that and the many ways i need to continue to move forward which also means purging relationships that are no longer serving a purpose....one of my most beloved relationships is no longer making me a better human and it was time to put on my brave face and conquer the many feelings i had been fighting lately. so. in true olivia fashion, i decided to take a deep breath and let go. it sucked. it was hard. but it was necessary. it's crazy the many ways that life changes and, even more, the ways that you must change together in order to remain close. if you're not growing together you're growing apart, in every relationship you have. so, in an effort to keep my personal vision for myself in line, i followed that rule....and it hurts....but the hard stuff makes you grow. i believe that because i know it to be true....even if it's one of the hardest truths i know.

and, finally, the last of my hard days for a while is just around the corner. in four days, my husband would be celebrating ihs 34th birthday...i cannot imagine him any older...in fact, it's weird to me that we could have ever been older together....and while his birthday is one of the "easier" hard days, it still makes me stop in my tracks and look at how i'm spending my days and minutes. they all count. each of them....which is exactly why this hard stuff has gotten me right down deep in my soul.

so tonight, i am reminded to keep breathing. that sometimes the days when you've kept your head above water are worth more than gold....and that tomorrow has to be better. i know that, in the end, it'll be alright....it's just getting there that is the hard part. i also know that i'm stronger than i think and, on days like today, i am reminding myself of just that.

.lonely.

i often come here when i feel like my heart is burdened.
i wonder, lately, at what point i will begin to feel settled in my own present. i have spent the last few years rebuilding, repurposing and, quite honestly, using what i've got to get through the days.
i watch my friends, family and clients get married, have babies and celebrate their beautiful families. most days it doesn't bother me but today it came crashing over me. maybe it was shooting two weddings or standing beside my person as her son got baptized.
i'm not sure. i just know that tonight i feel lonely and that doesn't happen all that often.
they say you should marry your best friend.
i believe that to be true. in fact, it's worked for me before.
i just don't know if i remember how to make a relationship like that again.
or if i can be good at that again.
what if i'm meant to be alone?
i really don't want to consider that. mostly because i have so much love inside me to give.
i was made to spread it....but maybe that means it isn't in the same way that i'd always hoped.
so i'm trying really hard to let go of this idea of love and marriage and a baby carriage....because maybe love looks different for me.
but 29 feels close to 30. and i had all these grand dreams in mind to be completed by now.
2 kids. a hypoallergenic dog.
a fence
a husband who was home at 530 and i'd work part time while i ran the full time business of raising babies.
but i can't. because it's impossible to change the last 29 years.
i have to believe this is my journey and i'm meant to be right here watching everyone else experience the things i so badly want because someday it's going to be my turn and they're all going to show up for me.
someday i'm going to have pews full of people as i baptize my child or marry my best friend.
and someday i might not have that but i might be loved anyway just because i'm me.

i have to believe that there is something great written in the stars for me.
i haven't a clue what it is. but i have faith that someday it will all make sense.

just keep swimming.

1825

1825 days.
that's how long it's been since i last laid eyes on my christopher.
i've felt each one of those days. some more than others...and the majority of the last 1000 have been beautiful days. i know this....i feel the joy in my heart. i have laughed with my entire self. i have lived so presently through some of those days and other days, i have been completely leveled.
grief is a cycle.
it means that sometimes your past is more present than your present and your future often seems so far away.
it means that some days you don't want to get out of bed.
it means that other days you forget, for minutes and seconds, your title of "widow" and you're allowed time to be just olivia
i knew today was coming. i saw it from a mile away.
and when i woke up this morning, i still felt like i got sucker punched.
i didn't cry right away. i laid in bed for a while...snuggled my fur babies...and when i least expected it, one tear rolled down my face and then i let it all go.

i have spent the better part of 15 minutes or so thumbing through photos from the last five years....
i have had some beautiful adventures and i've been surrounded by some pretty amazing people--i am certain each hand picked to walk beside me on this journey. i have traveled....lost friends...made new ones...cherished the steady ones...been taken care of by my family...taken huge leaps of faith...set out to make my dreams a reality...and i've lived the length and width of most days. children have called for me, fallen asleep on my chest, and time has moved on whether or not i've been fully ready for it.

i've made mistakes, said things i wish i hadn't, and i've taken chances on love that just didn't turn out. but i'm still here. and i remember that every single day.

but today, i am taking off this brave face. for 23 other days i have worn it with every ounce of courage i have. but not today....not because i can't do it....but because you have to hurt to heal. my broken heart has allowed me to grow in ways i never imagined. it's taught me to trust myself and i've learned that i'm far stronger than i ever gave myself credit....and i believe, fully, that God knows exactly what He's doing in my life. I don't always trust it. I don't always give up complete control....but I believe it....and on hard days like today, the only place I want to turn is to Him. that's the thing about losing everything.....when you get there, you find that you can either turn away from Him or run to Him.....i chose to run and it has brought me more  blessings than I ever imagined in the form of friends, relationships and extreme faith in making my dreams a reality. it hasn't been easy...and i've been angry...but i cannot deny that i am so blessed.

so 1825 days later....i am still so very here....and while chris' life was short, it was well-lived. i am going to celebrate that every day but especially today.

restless.

i have been working on a family session from friday for the better part of 4 days.
i can't find my groove.
i'm trying....
but i'm not there.
seven more days.
until the worst is over.

i have thumbed through photos and letters tonight, read old emails....anything in an attempt to ease this restless heart. i read old blog entries...i was once so broken. and it was justified. but i had forgotten just how broken i was once.

how did i come back.
i have no idea.

i had a five year plan for myself after he died. i promised myself a lot of things. and here i am, letting go of another five year plan that didn't go as planned.....trying to give myself permission to breathe. and celebrate.

this is the first year in five years i've REALLY decided to celebrate my birthday. and it's terrifying. because it's awful wondering if it's fair to do that when i know what's coming. or that i remember my last birthday with him when i was less than stellar. guilt and grief are the absolute hardest parts of moving forward.

but then i remember when i hypothetically asked him what he'd do if i died. he told me he'd visit the cemetery every day. that he'd never forget me. i, of course, told him i'd do the same. but then he said he would want me to move on. to love again and to really live. i told him i couldn't. that it wouldn't be fair. but he insisted.

so this year, i give myself permission. to celebrate.

and that is pretty scary. i've fought the idea of cancelling it...knowing people would understand.

then i remember i'm strong. and i'll be surrounded by my best blessings.

so, on friday june 20th, i will celebrate my birthday...two days early.
the same day, 11 years ago, that i met a boy at the kohler design center and he changed my whole universe. he told me i had beautiful eyes, took me to dinner, then to see finding nemo and finally to the lighthouse where i told him the water sounded like flushing toilets. and he laughed.

and....two days after my birthday, i will allow myself permission to stop fighting all of these feelings and take my brave face off.

but mostly, i will remind myself that celebrating and living are the best ways to celebrate his beautiful life. and i will keep telling myself that until i believe it.

just.keep.swimming.

life preserver.

stressed.
sad.
a little bit numb.
a lot on my heart.
i believe that sometimes i am my own worst enemy.
and other times i am justified in my feelings. my hurts. my needs. my happy. and even my ugly.

i take on so much. it's because i'm a control freak. if you accused me of that outside of this space, i'd deny it....but i know that i am. i know what i want and why i want it and i will do my absolute best to achieve that in the best way that i can control.

it means i am over sensitive at times....that lack of trust or insecurity in my space and place in many avenues of my life really take a toll.

it also means that there are moments when i second guess everything because my head space is occupied by various things out of my control and that freaks me out.....because i've spent the last few years re-organizing myself. new five and ten year plans. new dreams and goals...and as those very things stare me in the face, i am reminded that nothing ever goes as planned....no matter how much we plan it.

i have no control in all reality.

there is a plan much bigger than me that is unfolding as it should. if i could fully trust in that long enough to see that i'm not as broken or fragile as i think i am, i may find that all this need for control is, in fact, stupid and not necessary. the cards will fall where they will no matter what i have my hands on. i know this. the sand slipped right through my fingers once. i remember it. it made my desire to have my finger prints on everything so much greater. it's why i'm really good at running things, leading people, seeing things differently and loving people. i'm really good at those things.

it's also why i take things to heart so easily. why your tone can completely level me. why i crave human interaction. why i need a thunderstorm every once in a while. why maya's fur has lately been drenched in my tears. and why, no matter how hard i fight, some days i just don't win. it's a vicious circle. and it's exhausting.

so i'm spent. absolutely and completely spent.

but the good news is that i know this.

i know that my heart is wrecked right now.

i feel it. i believe it. i. know. it.

the better news is it won't last forever.

my life is full of beautiful things and people. i just need a life preserver.

just for a little while.

long enough to catch my breath and let go of this load i'm carrying.

so, if you've got one to spare, then i'd sure love to catch it. and if not, prayers and hugs are always welcomed.

always.

celebrate.

I spent last night celebrating life...surrounded by my favorites just so thankful for the relationships we've forged and made. it's not always been easy but these people are some of my very best friends.

I began to consider the many ways I hadn't been living in the last year. The many times I chose work over these relationships. One of my friendships nearly dissolved and-not on purpose-but I didn't have time to initiate and neither did she....so when we considered that the hole we fell into was much like the hole on a needle, I realized I need to make changes or that needle will soon become a pothole or worse, a black hole. I need to show up. and be there. because you know what, I need them too and while I laid my head next to hers on a pillow last night and we discussed the things we are thankful for, I realized how awful it would have been had we not come back together to celebrate her birthday on a frigid day in january. how much I would miss her. how much she feeds my soul. how much i love the people who were within arms reach last night.

So last night was a wednesday. and i had to get up today. and i knew that but i decided that life is for living....and that means late nights and early days. i have not one regret about last night.

i laughed with my entire heart. i hugged my friends and they hugged me back. so many times. i counted my blessings....and some i counted twice. sometimes i got lost and forgot for a minute where i was...i was so consumed in the present that nothing mattered.

it was beautiful.

i had asked my staff yesterday if they could time travel once and come back where they would go. i said i would go back 5ish years. for some obvious reasons. not to change it....but so that i could have a proper goodbye. so that i could be absolutely sure he knew that i loved him. and so he could know that i'm okay....i'm making it....every single day.

and last night, surrounded by people who love the shit out of me, i was reminded that i have filled my life with so many people who have hearts like i do. we love to celebrate people. enjoy life. and we aren't afraid to go out on a wednesday night to live a little. because we know the value of minutes. we know how much time we don't have. we also know that, no matter where we are in life, we can lean and someone else will hold us up. it's a beautiful thing. we choose to live through life and not just get through it. and there is a giant difference.

it makes me hope for the future because it makes me endlessly grateful for my present....for the people who love and live like i do...and that they choose to spend their days and time with me.

maybe mr. wonderful is around the corner. maybe he isn't. but if he is, i sure hope he's ready for a wednesday night out and beautiful adventures.

and, until then, my heart is smiling.

june....a lesson from body worlds...and a whole lot of other thoughts.

june 1.
i don't know why it gets me every time but i feel pretty sad today...

i have said, lately, to my friends that i know i give these days more power than they really need to have. my person told me that it's okay to have a few sad days...as long as it's only a few.
this month holds so many dates.
our first date.
our first anniversary.
my birthday.
our last brewer game.
our last photo.
the last time i laid eyes on his beautiful face.
the last time he held me.
told me i was going to be okay.
so many new beginnings and hopeful adventures that were at our finger tips.

so it's true. when you have the chance, you need to tell people how you feel....
because it's been 1803 days of loving someone in another universe when i didn't choose it.
and while most days that's entirely okay.....some days, like today, it takes my breath away.

how has it been that long?

some days it feels like it's been 18 minutes.

i am reminded that grief is a never ending cycle.

for example, on friday i went to see body worlds and i expected that i might be grossed out....instead, i felt my heart break when we got to the lungs. the autopsy showed his lungs looked like that of someone who had emphysema and a heavy smoker even though he never smoked a day in his life....and there i was, staring my husband's killer in the face. instead of crying, i processed. slowly.....but it stopped me in my tracks. i'd seen it in books. i've read that report a half a dozen times. but i never knew what it really looked like. and there they were....staring me in the face....the only thing separating me from those sad looking organs was a piece of glass....and i wondered what it felt like when he couldn't breathe that day and i was up here while he was downstairs. i wondered if it hurt. i hoped it was fast. i wondered, again, if i could have done more....and finally, i accepted that God knew better than i. but i won't lie...i'm still trying to let go of that sight. it's not that i didn't think i wouldn't see them. it's that i had no idea that something like that could still level me....take the wind out of my sails...and remind me to take stock in the many people and relationships in my life--a lesson i never expected to get from plasticized organs.

i have been blessed to be surrounded by the most beautiful people. so many of them don't know chris but there are the few who knew us when i was still this girl who believed and saw the best in everyone and everything. i was so different then...naive...hopeful...optimistic...and entirely sure that the world was created for me to paint it every color of the rainbow. i've changed so much....and i look at photos of myself before the bottom dropped out and i cannot recognize her. i miss her some days....the way she saw things...the way she gave of herself without fear.....now i've grown more cynical and jaded....and i cannot find those rose colored glasses anywhere.

but that's the thing about grief...it changes you. here i am, nearly five years later....and i still have rough days. while they come less and less, i still have them. they still exist and they still take me to my knees.

because even when you put all the bad stuff away in a box, that lid doesn't stay shut forever. sometimes it opens and you never saw it coming. and sometimes you were fully prepared and it hurt more anyway.

this month is the hardest....i am so good at putting aside all of these emotions for 11 other months but not this one....not the moments where i touched him in his casket and felt tissue paper because they stuffed his chest with it since they had to break his ribs and clavicle for the autopsy.....not the moments where i gave a eulogy in a packed church and forgot that i wasn't the only one in the room....or the moment i knelt beside his casket because it was literally the last time i'd physically be in church with him ever again....or the moment my best friend walked in the hospital and i knew right then that this wasn't a dream because of the look on her face...or the moment when a dozen people piled onto my couches and watched my wedding videos with me right after i planned a funeral....or the moment when one of my very best friends slept on an air mattress with me in the living room for weeks because i needed him right there.....or the worst moment...when i found him and knew it was over before i ever had a chance to save him.

so today i'm sad....because i know what's coming.....i know right where i am...and i know that you have to hurt to heal.....

and even though i know it's coming, it doesn't bring me much comfort. even though i've been here four other times, each time is different....because i'm different.

believe me, i know this is a depressing read thus far....but you have to know also that i'm stronger than i ever thought i could be. that getting out of bed today was hard but i did it....i told myself that 848 am was a long enough pity party and i had to get up. just get out of that bed.

and i did.

so you must know that my heart is more resilient than even i ever knew.

i just have hard days.

and i always will.

whether or not someone walks into my life again....and believe me, i hope that he does.

and it doesn't mean i'm not okay or that i'm broken.

it means something awful happened to me once. it means i lost everything once. and when you lose it all you don't soon forget what that feels like. not after 5 years or i'd imagine even after 15.

but i do know that i was loved beyond belief....even if it was for a very short time. i carry it with me always...you can't see it...there are no physical scars...you wouldn't know it by looking at me...but it's always here....

and that, friends, is why every june 1 makes my heart beat a little faster...it's all part of riding the waves. the tide will go out soon....i am certain of it.

until then, i'll just keep swimming.

today.

today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

never in my wildest dreams did i imagine that someone would be capable of accusing me of something so malicious. never did i expect to see everything i've worked for dangling in front of my eyes.

but when you least expect it, things happen....and no matter what, i know i didn't do anything wrong. it is possible that i made a mistake but not out of any kind of purpose or intention to do so. it is also possible that pointing a finger is easier than picking up the phone and calling someone. i lost a lot of respect today. a lot of faith in people today. and i began to wonder if there is anything else that can get thrown at me.

i am strong.

but i'm tired.

i'm tired of being a topic of conversation...
i'm tired of this grudge.
i'm tired of being punished for things i didn't and would never do.
i'm just tired.

someday this won't matter. i'll be over it. and done being hurt. but today is not that day. and tomorrow probably isn't either.

and that's okay. because, in the end, the only thing that matters is i'm okay....the bad guys didn't win....and i'm still here.

so very here.

remember to breathe.

i haven't been here in a while. call it avoidance or annoyance, but i've been using my pen and paper more than i ever have before. i guess it's just a different form of getting it all out...but today, i felt compelled to return to the airwaves.

change is constant. it's everywhere. and i'm sure you've heard the people say the only thing that you can always count on is change.

it's not that i love it--i don't. but i'm more of an adapter. i learn to find something i can connect with and i just suck it up and figure it out. realizing that others are so resistant to it is hard....especially when it impacts your life.

when it's a positive change, that's one thing....but most of the time, it isn't at all positive and you're trying so hard to stay afloat until it all just catches up to you. sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. the learning isn't always easy....neither is the changing....but somehow you come out unscathed for the most part in the end. sure there are a few hurt feelings and a lot of words that have been thrown around but, for the most part, you're standing and breathing and that has to be enough.

i'm in the middle of lots of changes in my life both personally and professionally. finding a balance right now FEELS impossible. i literally am reminding myself every day to keep moving because if i stop and analyze, i might quit my job because i have found myself hurt and disappointed at the end of too many days and i might sell all my photography equipment and move anywhere but here because sometimes i don't want to be everything for everyone and i might turn off my phone and leave behind anything that looks recognizable because i'm just exhausted and fried.

i feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i'm exhausted. tired. i am losing patience and any kind of hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. maybe that's a little extreme but it's how i feel. i've been patiently waiting for things to get better....for there to be SOME kind of reminder that this isn't all for nothing....but here i am....still waiting.

i know the grass isn't always greener. but i've been working my ass off at watering my side. obviously that's a matter of perception but i don't feel like i've got anything i need to do differently. i've been better at letting things go and picking and choosing battles than i ever have before. i still feel like i'm coming up short. and i don't know how to not feel like that. i think it's because i love so hard that anything less than 100% is difficult for me to accept. it's exactly why being an afterthought yesterday morning hurt and still makes me feel about 2 inches tall.

but here i am, still trying....to find my patience and hope among all of this change. because people need me. and i need me.

so while i find a way to refill my tank, i am going to remember to breathe. that's always a start.

consideration.

consideration.
it's one of those things.
you have it or you don't....
you get it or you don't.....
and, if you don't, then you're consistently wondering why you're not deserving of it. or if you're the problem.

and then self doubt creeps in.
way in.

and you question your abilities.
something you've never done before....you've never questioned them. you have always believed you're genuinely good at what you do. but all of a sudden you're not so sure.

and then you wonder if you're moving the right direction.
if you're actually in the right space and place.
you question everything you're doing. are you the crazy one? is it possible that you haven't changed one bit but everything around you is changing....
and everyone.

so you hold on like hell...to anything that remotely resembles something good. and you cling like crazy to the things and people who don't let you down. patients. clients. family. friends. and you find that you're back at the beginning of a funk.

there isn't a manual for me.
include me in your day.
in your life.
let your actions be louder.
tell me something funny.
give me some kind of indicator that you know i exist.
and that you're glad i was born and am still breathing.

that's it.

it's not much.
i don't need help.
i need a cheerleader.
and a pep talk.
and a reminder.

because sometimes you feel like you're unimportant.
and you don't matter.

and then you start to believe it. 

home.

i believe that sometimes you need to reset.

you need to find a place where you can get out of your head and away from everything you know in that moment and just breathe.

literally, breathe..

i believe that when you love what you do it doesn't feel like work.

and it isn't

because you love it.

and i believe that loving something too much can make that work stressful and hard.

but you can still love it....you just have to loosen your grip and be gentle with yourself. 

because doing your best with what you have at the time is enough.

i believe in forgiving yourself.

and others.

because it took me a very long time to realize that people love differently.

and that i can still be loved hard and appreciated even if it isn't the way i would do it. 

i believe that slowing down is necessary.

it's okay to not rush through it and it's okay to not live so hard. 

i believe you had better tell people you love them. 

a hundred times. 

because they deserve to know.

i believe hard work pays off.

and it takes you places you never thought possible.

i believe that unpacking is more work than any other part of being away.

because i hate laundry.

it's my least favorite chore. 

i believe in taking pictures. 

of everything.

not just because i'm a photographer.

but because i know what it's like to only have boxes full of photos and memories left.

so i won't take a chance on missing a moment....at least, not one that i want to remember.

i believe that people can and will surprise you.

and you have to be open and ready for that to happen.

i believe that life is imperfect and comes with so many uncertainties

but it's mine.

and i own it. every single day.

and i know that if i had the chance to relive every day, the frustrating things wouldn't be so frustrating because i would know the outcome. 

but i don't know it--so i need to stress less and just live through it.

most things are minor and not a catastrophe.

i had forgotten the difference for a minute or four. 

but i'm ready to regain my perspective.

i believe in being brave.

in choosing to remember that the sun is always on the other side of the clouds. 

because i had forgotten that, too.

i believe you don't have to see people every day to know they're right there and to feel like you're home when they're near.

home is wherever you are. 

it's beautiful when you learn to embrace that.

i believe in sunshine.

that it can completely melt the winter in your heart.

i believe in today. 

because every day i wake up, i am endlessly thankful. 

i believe in answering children when they call for me. 

in listening to them.

in rocking them to sleep.

and in hugging them with my entire self.

i believe i'm blessed. 

so blessed.

God has been so good to me.

and i am beyond grateful.

i believe that this heart needed to get away in order get back.

and while it was good to be on southern ground, it is so ridiculously good to be home. 

home sweet manitowoc 

brave.

we all have one.

a brave face.

you feel like you're holding your breath while it's on....because if you let it all out....you may just lose it and you've already lost it too much already.

so you fight like hell.....to breathe and own your brave face....and in the back of your mind, you just really hope that your brave face becomes your real face soon. that your heart stops hurting. aching. crying on the inside. and someone or something makes it okay again.

but sometimes it just isn't okay. sometimes it won't be for a little while.

sometimes the answers you seek are not simple.

because i care too much. i love too hard. and when i begin to feel like i'm on my own in all of it, i question everything. right down to the color i painted my toes.

and tonight, while i have been here crying and switching loads of laundry, i am reminded that i've been through much worse. the problem is that those moments seem so far away. it's both a blessing and a curse. it means my heart has healed far more than even i thought i was capable of....and that the "regular" hardships really are real again. they're not easily dismissed by knowing things could be worse and they're not swept under the carpet because i know how bad and hard it was once. they're just right here with me. in all of my makeup-smeared-face glory.

i don't know. i'm pretty uncertain and unsure in this moment.

but i am certain of one thing.

it won't be this way forever.

it can't be.

but, for tonight, i'm going to take comfort in this beautiful disaster and own this brave face until i can't anymore....and, by then, i hope the worst will be over.

thank you, God, for giving me another day. i promise to be more grateful tomorrow.

teddy.

i've had a rough week. if i'm being honest, i don't know if there's been a single day when i haven't cried ... or a day where i haven't wondered what exactly i'm trying to do and accomplish.... or a day where my insides didn't just hurt to the core.

and tonight, as i took the longest and hottest shower that i was able to muster, i just cried....i let my tears fall as the same song played on repeat through that little speaker in the shower head....i decided that it was okay to be sad...and it was okay to melt down.....because i'm human and my heart hurts.

i practiced conversations in my head should anyone ask me where i'm at or what's going on. i even practiced different ones for different people....
and i let myself get angry...
because i'm hurt.
and so incredibly frustrated.

that's the real truth.

as i've been fighting the many feelings in my perimeter, i decided that it was okay to let them crash over me today....

maybe it was the late night at the clinic last night and coming home to my poor puppy with an upset stomach who had an ugly accident and realizing i've been giving so much to so many people who don't necessarily give back to me.

or maybe it was driving home last night, completely emptied of myself.

or maybe it was this morning when it took everything in me to just get out of bed.

or maybe it was when i decided it was okay to make bad food choices because i was sad today. and then beat myself up for them minutes later.

or maybe it was that moment yesterday, the distinct moment, when i realized i may just be a helper and nothing more.

because i am the type of person who needs to feel valued. and wanted. and needed. and i sure haven't felt like that much lately.

it's like jennisa says....i'm teddy....faithful and a bit tattered and torn....and some day you'll just want teddy and not that new sparkly bear.....not because that sparkly bear isn't awesome but because teddy is comfort and strength and a hundred and one other things that just makes your heart feel good.

but teddy's missing his eyes...and has been sewn at least a dozen times....his fur is coming off...and he smells a little.

and sometimes you only see teddy's stitches and missing eyes. you forget the countless hugs and mooches and ways you squeezed him when you put him in a corner the minute the new bear arrived....because sparkly and new seems so much better right now.

and teddy waits. until you pick him up and love on him....maybe it's a day. or a week. and maybe it's even longer. but teddy is faithful and loyal and waits.

it's just the waiting that eats at a person....it's what allows me time to start believing the many things i told myself weren't true. it's that extra time that allows me to over think and feel my heart breaking.

then you stop.

you stop yourself from believing it. for just a minute.

and you just need to hear that it'll be okay. that you'll be okay.

you need a cheerleader. someone to cheer you on while your heart recovers from the bruises. someone to pick you up and hold you and all of your imperfections just long enough for you to feel like you matter and are important.

and you find it in you to try again.

because, like kid president says, some days you'll get ice cream and some days you won't.

sometimes, everyone needs a pep talk...

i think that's the point i'm at.

a pep talk, a hug, and someone to hold me long enough to feel like i am a priority. a factor. important. valued. loved. needed. and wanted.

i just need a glimpse. a moment.

someone to tell me it'll all be okay.

someone to make me believe it.

growing

what a bittersweet day. such blessings and such hard moments. it's amazing how that works....

it's like sometimes nothing hits you and then everything at once....and then you're just staying afloat until you figure it out....and i guess that's okay--it reminds me that life is ever changing....and that the only constant really is change.

i've always fought change....and not for any good reason...just that transition has never been easy for me....maybe because, most of the time, it hasn't always been my decision. and maybe, quite simply, because it's really stinking hard.

but here i am....finding myself in a lot of transition....some things as simple as the seasons....other things in my family and friendships...work stuff....life stuff....and my business moving faster than i can keep up.

and what i know for sure is that God means for me to be right here in this moment. and He means for me to thrive.....so i need to get caught up less in the "stuff" and see the bigger picture for nearly everything....because there IS one.

I imagine that if I had every day to live over, my days would look severely different. I wouldn't get as frustrated at some things because I'd know what battles matter and which ones don't.....and i wouldn't worry as much....because i'd know that i'm okay at the end of the day....and, like my momma says, worrying is like carrying an umbrella around every day waiting for the rain.

that's the thing about being better about what to get emotional about and what to let go of....when you wear your heart on the outside it's harder to do that. because i feel everything SO deeply. every word. every action. i feel it to my core. i wear it. i live it.

and in those moments, when i'm feeling everything, i find myself listening to the same song on repeat just to get out of my head for a minute.....and hoping for comfort to calm this restless heart.

because some days, you just need to know that you're valued, needed and wanted and you need some kind of constant in the middle of the vortex. so those insecurities that you have about what will happen once the storm is over are just tiny blips on the radar....and you decide to believe, with every piece of yourself, that you are enough. that what you do matters. and that you are, in fact, a part of something bigger than even you know.

the hard stuff makes you grow.

i believe that with every piece of myself.

so....for now....i'm growing.

days 6 and 7 of 40

• warmer weather than we've had in a while
• my beautiful business that is flourishing. i can't wait to see where it takes jennisa and i this year. a magic carpet under our feet lately. it's amazing.
• fun work days lately. and beautiful new beginnings for many reasons.
• a cleaner editing plate than i've had in a while.
• a somewhat free weekend....that's also full of some very fun and random happenings.
• a successful week....everything that needed to get done got done and i lived to talk about it. :)
• good friends. good people. surrounding me everywhere

_________________________________________________________________________________

i love my feet....they've taken me so many places and i'm thankful for that.

i love how strong my quads are getting....and that i can see muscle definition in my legs. 

five.

i'll never forget it.
the words that haunt me.

i was at the funeral home. someone told me that five years from now, i'd be okay.
i didn't believe her. in fact, i thought she was crazy. i couldn't fathom five minutes from now...and now, i really am approaching five years.

i've missed him more than usual lately. i don't know exactly why.

i just know that i miss him.

i've driven through the cemetery more often than i have since he first died. i've been reading his love notes, watching the videos, thumbing through photos, and all together missing his sweet face.

i find myself wondering what he's doing....what we'd be doing if he was still here....talking about him....remembering his habits and the anal things that drove me crazy that i now miss more than anything.

so, tonight, when i changed my profile picture on facebook to an old one of us i couldn't remember the girl staring back at me. i don't know her anymore. i remember she was a little obnoxious and so ridiculously happy......i remember that she was so loved.....and i remember that her heart was so entirely whole....

but i don't remember her anymore. the woman i am now is because of that girl and i know this......but days like today, i really miss her.....because, as more time passes, it's harder to remember.

i have faith that someday it will all make sense.

but that faith is hard to keep some days. and some days it's all it's the only thing that remotely makes sense.

one day at a time. it still rings so true for me.

so today is one of those 'one days' and i'm owning that.

at least, for now.....

days 5 and 6 of 40

yesterday and today blurred together a bit....the fact that it is 946 pm and i JUST sat down will tell you that i've been working a lot this week and not seeing my fur kids nearly enough. but they are patient and i am ever so thankful for that.

so for my silver linings.....here it goes....

• i am thankful to be headache free for two entire days. i don't even know what to do with myself.
• for endless possibilities....drawing up a contract to do a destination wedding in Cozumel. how am i so stinking blessed?
• for my beautiful friends who have stepped up, stepped in, and taken me under their wings in the last few days.
• for my mom....who does so much for me.
• and my dad....who is dependable and reliable. 
• for the beautiful texts i've received that simply tell me i'm loved and i'm not myself. people know me better than i give them credit and i'm so glad they are here to remind me when i have forgotten.
• for my dogs....who are so patient and still wag their tails when i walk in the door too late lately. 
• for my patients....the ones who make me so thankful to work in a place where we make a difference. 
• for a long and beautiful day yesterday with someone who motivates me personally and professionally. while i do not have a perfect boss, it is the closest i've been to a truly great one in a very long time and i'm thankful for that. 
• for alaina and logan who leave me leftover joy for days. i'm still smiling about logan snuggles and alaina giggles on sunday. 
• for jennisa who, today, told me i'm amazing and being connected to me means so much to her. i never saw it like that before. she called me a rock star and i believed her.

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i love my nose....it's a fantastic little button that centers my face so beautifully.

i love my calves and how strong they are feeling after this week's workouts. they have definition....even for a fluffy girl :)

trust.

i have a lot to say today. most of it i can't put into words for many reasons and i'm learning that's okay. sometimes you learn that grace is more to do with how you react than the things you do for others. 

so i'm choosing to not react....to not let them steal my joy....and to gracefully keep moving forward. 

not because it's easy.

but because it's the best option. the only scenario that even remotely feels right. 

and i'm fighting for my heart to stay afloat after a couple of rough days.

tonight, though, alaina climbed all over me.....only wanted me to do nearly everything with her...and proved to me that i am loved. it was beautiful and lovely. she so perfectly called for me, needed me and loved on me. kids have a funny way of knowing what you need before you do....and maybe they don't know that you need them as much as they need you. maybe their timing is just perfect. maybe their hearts are so innocent that they can hear yours a mile away. or maybe you stop trying to figure it out and you just become ever so grateful for tiny hands and feet. 

either way, i find myself trying to let go and trust in the journey. the peaks and valleys exist everywhere and in everything. when you're on the upswing, you let go more easily.....but when you're heading into a valley, nearly everything becomes harder to swallow. sometimes you give too much. sometimes you take too much. and sometimes you don't even know if you're giving or taking. sometimes you're just breathing. 

while i'm here breathing, i'm learning i have been on my knees a lot lately. praying. hoping. finding myself. and i guess that's why the journey is so hard sometimes.....you have no idea if you're doing it right....if you're listening enough, being clear about what you need or if you're even on the right track.

so you decide to trust--because, honestly, the other options don't seem that great.

that's it.

the long and the short of it.

i'm finding it in me to gracefully trust in this plan. i have to believe there is one....and that it's good....

because it has to be. 

it just has to.

day 4 of 40

today's silver linings are harder to find than they've been so far....but here we go
beautiful babies and clients who feel like friends in front of my lens.
my ear finally popped
i got to see my oldest friend.
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i love the dimple on my cheek that's coming back since i started eating better and working out. i haven't seen it in too long and i'm glad it's making a come back.

day 3 of 40 a day late

i went to bed early to battle more of this sickness with rest....so here are yesterday's silver linings:
logan snuggles for much of the morning
a great photo shoot.
dinner with my bestest.
felt like i actually DID something with my day.
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affirmation:
i love the way my muscles feel after a good workout.

2 of 40

today's silver linings
lots of laughter.
fun banter.
pajamas on by 720 pm.
early bed time.
wore pants i haven't fit into in 3 years.
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i love my hands. they have created and crafted more dreams and ideas than even i knew possible. they've made things tangible, held babies and comforted people. they're beautiful.

1 of 40.

the start of my lenten promises. conscious blessings and a physical affirmation about my body.

today's silver linings......
i laughed with some of my favorite afternoon patients today. a lot. and it felt like joy.
ash wednesday mass with sarah.
tails wagging when i came home.
my mom's encouraging email this morning.
jennisa and jill checking in on me today.
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my eyes are beautiful. big brown doe eyes.
they're perfect.

more.

remember how i said my work world would be an escape for me this week....
i think i spoke too soon.

it's been tense here.
and frustrating.
and i'm tired of being stressed.

i work so hard to make everywhere i go feel a bit like family but it doesn't....at least, not in a giant circle. i have my links connected but the other people i work with don't.

i know it has a lot to do with the past. stuff that's happened that you can't let go of or move past.

but there also hasn't been much effort, lately, to move on or be better.
we never affirm each other.
at least, i don't. i don't tell them when they do something really well. because i forget how important it is.
and i take it for granted.
that i work somewhere where i have the ability to have a family.
not everyone has that and not everyone wants that.

but i do.

i want to love the crap out of the people i work with. because i see them more than i see my dogs or my friends or my parents. and i genuinely miss all of those things.

so here i am, frustrated.
because of words people are choosing to use.
and the lack of communication.

i feel like i'm constantly searching for a silver lining when i leave here.....instead of leaving with all of these amazing parts of my day. in the last few days i've struggled getting out of bed and getting myself motivated enough to be here and i haven't had that since i started here. i've loved coming here every single day.

but it's hard to do that when things are tense and it "feels" weird.

no one will talk about it.

but we all know it's happening.

so we ignore it because no one loves confrontation. and no one loves admitting when things aren't right.

but i need my family back. i need my work family to be solid. because i cannot invest in others when they're not invested, too.

i just don't operate that way.

here's hoping we can get back on track and that, the first night of me lenten journey will be full of amazing things that i'm grateful for rather than searching for silver linings and finding leftover joy from things that made my heart happy weeks ago.

there has to be more than this.

trying.

i'm not quite sure where i'm at today.
well, i know where i'm physically sitting right now.
it's my desk.
and it's covered in things to do and finish and more than enough work for a while along with marks from the intermittent tears i've been shedding today.

but, emotionally, i'm feeling drained and a bit sad today. 

you see, i'm one of those wear-your-heart-on-the-outside kinds of people and it's hard for people like me to explain how exhausting that can be. mostly because my brain and heart never turn off. they're conditioned to be available to everyone at any time for anything. it's crazy, i know. someone can't be ALL of that....right?! the fair answer is no....but the real answer is that i try to be. 

and it's the trying that gets to be draining.

but here i am, trying to be something to myself today....the girl in the mirror....and i just can't seem to find the space where that's possible. 

my heart is aching with what ifs.....
what if i never find someone to love again
what if i never have a child of my own
what if i am wasting my days and i don't even know it....
what if those days are shorter than i think....

and what if, right now, i have no idea that something wonderful could happen because i don't fully believe it anymore. what then?

i can't find my hope today.

and i need a cheerleader.

because this week isn't at all what i have been hoping for. and i know that happens. it's life.

you do the best you can and hope that it matters enough someday to look back and feel like you did what you should.

and if you can't....then you just keep trying, right?

silver linings.

almost time for bed. i feel a cold coming on and i did the neti pot but i know i need to rest so this one is going to be a short one.

today's silver linings:
one of my favorite patient's children declaring 'olivia day' and showering me with love and hugs and giggles.
an evening assembling favors for my friend's baby shower. this included wine and gluten free crackers which was just perfect.
dogs who were happy to see me when i got home.
knowing that daylight savings time is on it's way this weekend.
leftover warm fuzzy's from yesterday's date with alaina.

when i put it all down on paper, it doesn't seem like much. but it's a whole lot when you consider that today wasn't really my favorite....so i'm going to run with it for the rest of today.

i believe tomorrow has to be better.

it has to.

blessings.

i'm exhausted.
i've had such a full weekend that i'm looking forward to my work week being an escape.
crazy how my weeks change based on the days. sometimes i need the office to balance me out and sometimes i need getting out of the office to balance me out. strange, i know.

i'm finding myself a bit sad tonight but, in line with my lenten journey, i'm deciding to find my silver linings and blessings instead tonight.

i'm thankful that i have the ability to take my favorite kids on adventures
i'm thankful for the many friendships that sustain me and keep me moving forward.
i'm thankful for the many ways that life has allowed me to bounce back.
i'm thankful for my family who is always there.
and i'm beyond thankful that today i woke up when so many others did not.

for tonight, that seems like enough.

words.

sigh. i have a lot to say today.

mostly, that words are important. 

i have never been one to recover from a low blow or dig very well and the last week has been no exception. i realize that most people don't even know that what they're saying is hurtful and rude.....but perception is everything unfortunately. even if we, as humans, mean one thing but don't effectively communicate that one thing, there is a chance it can be hurtful and sometimes even mean. and sometimes, it stays with you...right down to your core.

as i get older, i find that words have more weight than they ever have before. that they come with a price and sometimes that price is trust and respect and a lot of things you don't necessarily get back easily. 

that's hard to swallow.

even for the person on the receiving end....which, in this case, is me.....because i teeter on the edge of wondering what to say and how to say it because i don't want my words affecting others the way they so easily affect me.

and here's the thing, i know i'm sensitive and take things to heart....but it's because my heart is so big. i'm thick skinned to a point, but when you make me feel like i'm not good enough, that's where i draw a line.

on top of it, i've done a lot of work to eliminate people from my life who are no longer serving a positive purpose for me....and here i am, staring my decisions in the face as i contemplate the words that have been on repeat since they were said. 

you can't take them back--that's the most real thing i know. you can apologize. and you can hope that someone sees it as a genuine display and attempt at making things right. but, with many things, you can't always get back what you lost....and i worry that the small chips in this relationship will one day become holes and soon enough i'll be staring at a rim with nothing in the middle. 

so you learn to talk about it--and you know that you're going to look like an over sensitive ball of emotions. but that's the thing about life--everyone is different. everyone has their own feelings. and everyone takes things differently. at the end of the day, i'm only certain that i can control my own actions and reactions. 

and those feelings of mine...they're important.

just like my words.

and yours.

because who wants to leave someone feeling less than awesome.....

not me.

so, here i am, choosing to make my words worth it.....to give them all of the love and care they deserve.

to think before i speak

and, even more, to say what i mean and how i feel.....because, unfortunately, words mean too little when they're a little too late.

that, friends, may be the hardest truth of all.....

the exception

this heart is tired today....just tired. 
i had a pretty overwhelming day.
and i know i'm one of those people who takes on a lot....too much, even.....and i've always believed it'll all even out in the end...but here i am, in the middle, feeling a whole lot of stressed. 

and, on top of it, someone who is important to me and matters made an off the cuff comment that i knew he meant to be funny and it just wasn't in the moment or after. and, quite honestly, it hurt.

so here i am...feeling rather unappreciated, defeated and tired.

i wear my heart on the outside. it's who i am....i am so transparent and open with my feelings and where i'm at in the moment that i forget not everyone is capable of being the same. i love to share human experiences with people. i love to build and make connections. i love for them to be nourished and deep. and i love, even more, for them to be a true representation of who i am.....because i refuse to make any kind of human connection that doesn't have substance or make me better. i spent a lot of time learning about what i want out of people and life and i refuse to surround myself with anything less than awesome because i know what i bring to the table. 

and, as with many things in life, i know that timing is everything. that comment may have been better received at a different moment or not after i had explained how overwhelmed i was feeling. mostly because i feel like, if anything, i try SO hard all of the time. 

but we're human.

and people forget that. even me.....

so, in an attempt to remember, i'm trying to let it go. because no one likes an over sensitive crazy and i'm feeling like i took it too much to heart.

sigh.

when who you are is not what people are used to, it's hard to find a balance. 

i'm learning that people like me are a rarity. people don't love as hard or invest as much as i do....and that makes me sad for a lot of reasons. mostly because i feel like people's hearts have hardened....how does someone become so guarded? i wish i knew....only because it sure would make things easier for me....but i guess that's why we're all different and it isn't about me. 

there have to be people with their hearts on the outside to even out people with their hearts buried on the inside, otherwise we'd all be the same and i like being a rarity most days. most days, i'm proud of the way i allow my heart to lead my life.

so, i believe today was just an exception.

only an exception.

and tomorrow has to be better.

good night, friends.