toxic.

tox·ic

ˈtäksik/

very bad, unpleasant, or harmful.

"a toxic relationship"

 

I've used this word a lot lately....mostly to describe the types of things and people I am working so hard to eliminate from my life. both personally and professionally I've allowed behavior that isn't acceptable in any facet of my life and I've paid for it emotionally.

 

here's the thing...you should be happy...everyone should have an opportunity to work, live, and love in an environment that brings you joy. one negative person in my life was convinced you didn't need to have your dream job. you go out and get a good job and worry about your dreams later.....and you know what that leaves you? unsatisfied.

 

so, yes, I do believe you should be passionate about all parts of your life.

 

I haven't been passionate about certain people and things lately. part of it is that I've always struggled with letting go. I've often held on to things for too long...and for no good reason. it's one of my many flaws. part of me thinks it's because i'm fiercely loyal.....and part of me knows it's because I can be fiercely foolish. there has to be a middle ground that i'm missing.

 

I feel like I've been searching for that middle for too long. but sometimes you have to hit the brick wall before you start to make changes.

 

i'm not fully convinced that i'm making the right changes. these decisions are hard and sometimes they hurt. they hurt you right down to your core. but I have to believe that the end result is worth it. because, if it isn't, i'm not entirely sure what i'm doing and that just isn't an option at this point.

 

I am, though, very aware that i'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone....and i'm mostly tired of always being put on the back burner by myself and others. when I stop allowing it to happen, I put myself first....and I haven't done that in so long.

 

but I believe that i'm worth that.

 

and sometimes that's scary--that I don't and won't settle. sometimes I wish I could....some things would be easier...but other things would be harder....and i'm not sure I have the time or space to dissect which ones to lessen my grip on.

 

I just know that the toxic has to go.

 

because I like being happy. I like being passionate. and I love surrounding myself with those kinds of people. the ones who make you better and lift you higher.

 

so, i'm not sure when i'll hit the top of the wall....I just know i'm climbing....one step at a time.

grace.

i haven't been here in a while.
it's not because i haven't had the words to say.
it's because i've been fighting them.
hard.

september was crazy. i'm not kidding when i tell you that i often had no idea whether i was coming or going. i was behind on photos. i was behind in everything. i literally took things one minute at a time.

going into october, i was convinced that it couldn't be worse and would be miles better. i'd be in the same zip code. i'd know exactly where i was headed. my schedule was busy but manageable. and i was absolutely convinced i'd be just fine.

and then i got a puppy.

titan threw a total wrench in my plans. maya and finley have been so used to my schedule and life for so long that i had forgotten what it's like to have something small need me. and pee. and poop. without any care for where it was happening. i was mad. really mad. and upset.

i called my mom like four times the first week crying. convinced she had given me a defective puppy.

and i was exhausted. i got up every two hours in the middle of the night to take him out and sometimes he had an accident in between the two hours.

and i thought i was messing up his life. we were confined to my kitchen and office.

nothing fun was happening. at all.

if i wasn't yelling at him to stop chewing, i was yelling at him about his pee on the floor or the things he wanted to chew on but wasn't supposed to.

our first real week together and we were a mess. no routine. nothing happy. and i was STILL exhausted.

that weekend i had some photo shoots in milwaukee and i asked my mom to take him for the day but she offered to take him for the night. and i secretly jumped up and down inside.

she asked me the next day if i missed him. the truth was that i did. but i also felt like i couldn't give him the time he needed--especially when i was in the middle of my busiest season and....in the back of my head, i couldn't be that girl.  the one who gave her dog away. i took him knowing i was committed. but i worried that i was selfishly in the middle of puppy fever and made a mistake.

because i had been fighting so much more than my puppy.

i was in the middle of fighting myself.

i was convinced that if i just let love go and the idea of all the things i have been patiently waiting on, that i'd be better. that i wouldn't care about the place i had fallen into in this life. that my life--just as it is--would be perfectly enough....because, to be honest--it is. i have so much to be thankful for. and a God who continually blesses me.

but it wasn't enough for me.

i wanted more.

i wanted a perfect puppy. and that one guy to get his head out of his you know where so we could make babies and ride off into the sunset.

and i stopped trusting.

but even more, i stopped believing that it was possible.

i stopped listening to God.

so when i got a puppy that wasn't doing everything i kept telling him to do, i was convinced he was a project puppy. and that he wasn't nearly as sweet and wonderful as he was when he first picked me.

and i was wrong.

i drove home from milwaukee that night and i cried. a good cry. on the phone with my southern counterpart.....and she let me. bawl. because she knew i couldn't fight anymore. i had to face these deceptions and cliches i told myself. that when you let go, it just happens. that forgiveness is the best gift you give yourself. that people make mistakes--even if it's the same one over and over, it's a learned behavior and not their fault. and i cried because i was hurt. by other people. by myself. by people i thought loved me more than they have proven in their actions lately.

i decided, then, to take things at face value. to stop caring and investing in people who weren't doing the same for me. to be more honest about how i am feeling. and to honestly try to get my joy back.

so the very next day, titan came home. and i didn't hold him to such ridiculous expectations.
i didn't get mad when he wasn't listening perfectly or being my idea of a perfect puppy. i stopped gating him in the kitchen and pretending we all liked being stuffed into a square room.

i just stopped.

and i breathed.  a deep breath.

and believed i could figure this out.

i took back my hope.

and it was funny...things started falling into place. titan went 4 hours in his kennel without an accident. then we slept through the night. then he didn't go after my computer cord and picked his football instead.  all these little victories that were coming together. and i fell in love with him. he's sweet. and funny. and he is all sorts of crazy. and it's perfect for us. finley has a pal and maya gets to relax. he really is perfect for us.

so i stopped emailing my mom about my defective puppy and i sent her pictures of his look-grandma-no-accidents-today face.

after that, i sucked it up and realized some people will NEVER apologize or admit to their actions. and i decided i needed to be okay with it all on my own. that it is rare that people value an apology in the way i do. that some people will just never understand why i was so deeply hurt.

and i chose to stop making excuses for my feelings and decided it was okay to be honest. even when it's hard to tell people how you feel.

because i had to.

because holding it in and justifying it every single time had gotten old.

because even though people's lives change, you can still have great relationships. even though you've moved. or started dating someone new. or had a baby. or you're recovering from a break up.

and then i took another deep breath.

i reprioritized. i let go of a lot.

and i stopped fighting me.

while i am nowhere near where i need to get to, i am seeing the silver linings again.

and i'm on my way to reclaiming my hopeful spirit.

in the mean time, we've had 4 days without any accidents both in the house and the kennel. titan suffered a pinched nerve in his neck over the weekend and i've learned that i'd much rather be slowing him down because he's being naughty than because the vet said so. i am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and am committed to loving my life and to the people who have chosen to be in it. i have realized that some things shouldn't be as hard as they have been and some people will never understand how easily their actions wipe out every single one of their words. but i have to remember the hard stuff is what makes you grow....and, after the last few weeks, i've definitely been growing.

out of everything, this is what i know for sure: God gives you the grace to handle it all. I won't tell you that He doesn't give you more than you can handle because, let's be honest, sometimes He really does. the thing is it won't last forever.

because our idea of forever is never all that long.