1. I wish this wasn't my life most days...and then, when I realize it is, I wish I could give everything up to have Chris back...but life doesn't come with a return or exchange policy.
2. I wish you wouldn't look at me like I'm going to break....or with pity. I may be fragile some days but I won't shatter if you talk about Chris or share memories. Those are the very things that help me to know he will never be forgotten.
3. I wish you knew that my tears are the only outward expression I have of the hurt in my heart. If you see them, don't be afraid...a good cry is healing.
4. I wish there was an instruction manual for how to grieve...and I wish more people were interested in truly knowing what it feels like. This way, maybe you could understand for just a moment what I have gone through every day for the last nearly 7 months.
5. I wish people understood that my situation is rare and from the wise words of another survivor, being a young widow is not contagious. I still need you...all of you.
6. I wish people understood I'm still just as present for you now as I was then, in the same capacity...just maybe with a bit more life experience. I'm still your friend. I'm still your family. I still want to hear your triumphs and defeats. I still want to hear your joys and sorrows. I still want you to lean on me. I need that too.
7. I wish for all of you, that you never forget my amazing husband...and that you still feel him. When I'm scared, I close my eyes and imagine him here and what he'd say and how his hug would feel...and he feels close.
8. I wish you wouldn't expect me to be "healed" and that you'd understand that just because 6 and a half months have passed doesn't mean it hurts any less somedays....it just means I'm learning to cope.
9. I wish you could know that I don't expect, right now, to fully recover anytime. I will forever be affected by this loss...and while it will get easier someday...it will never go away. never.
10. I wish you could know how hard I try every day. Getting out of bed in the morning is big sometimes. I'm making the best decisions for myself and what is left of our life. I'm not perfect and I will never pretend to be but I wish you could trust that I know what I'm doing and I would never be careless about what is left of our life.
11. I wish there was a way to describe everything I feel each day. How exhausting this hurt is....how tired I feel...how numb I still feel sometimes...how cold and flat life seems.You must hurt before you can heal-and while some days are filled with laughter and smiles...I miss the joy that once wrapped itself around me like a blanket...and the love that filled our home. I wish you could understand how hard it is to come home to an empty house when it was never my choice to begin with.
12. I wish you could just physically be here. sometimes that's all I need. I don't need any advice or anyone to tell me how it's going to get better or that he's still here or everything happens for a reason...I just physically need someone here to let me cry and to agree that yep, this really sucks.
13. I wish I didn't always have to be so strong...for myself...just to get through the minutes and the hours and the days.
14. I wish I could see with clarity each day, the light at the end of the tunnel but on the days that I can't....I know God holds me and Chris has me tightly to his heart. I wish you could know the peace that comes from that, too.
I hope for your patience and understanding during this process...I am never going to be able to be the same person I once was....but I will begin to feel that my heart will not be as broken as it is right now again sometime. This wound is still fresh....and it's a long journey. Many have come and many have left. Many have stayed...and I am so thankful for those who surround me with love and prayers each and every day.
People still ask me what I need....Understanding. Love. Prayers. Hope. Patience.....and always, a hug
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
.Sometimes.
Sometimes, it takes everything in me just to keep moving...and other days I see in myself what Chris always saw...a strong, mostly funny, hopeful woman who does everything she can just to keep her head above water. The last few days have sent me reeling...but I know those days will come and go...when you go through something like this, you realize nothing is permanent--things you never thought would happen to you do and, somehow, it helps you to appreciate what you've always had....even when you would trade it all just for five more minutes.
Sometimes, you find yourself laughing...really laughing and enjoying yourself...and it makes a world of difference. Sometimes you find that the hardest parts of life make the rest of it a bit easier. There are times when I have a "bad day" but realize it certainly isn't the worst day and it's all relative.
Sometimes, you look around yourself, albeit afraid, and you still take a chance....not knowing what the outcome will be...just that you don't want to live your life in fear.
Sometimes, you feel all the love and prayers wrap around you like a blanket and the loneliness seems to diminish...even if it's for just a moment. Those moments are what I hold on to.
Sometimes, I close my eyes really tight and go to the quiet place in my heart and I feel Chris...I hear his voice assuring me that I can do this...I will get through it...and I'm not alone....and I hear his laughter, feel his hug, and the way my head fit perfectly into his arms.
Sometimes, I doubt myself...I wonder where this road will take me and then, I give it up to God....and I take it one day at a time, not knowing where I'll end up--just that, wherever it is, I'm going to be okay and I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit.
Sometimes, I hear my own laughter and I see myself smile...and I recognize the person that other people see....and, even in the darkest moments, I still see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes, you find yourself laughing...really laughing and enjoying yourself...and it makes a world of difference. Sometimes you find that the hardest parts of life make the rest of it a bit easier. There are times when I have a "bad day" but realize it certainly isn't the worst day and it's all relative.
Sometimes, you look around yourself, albeit afraid, and you still take a chance....not knowing what the outcome will be...just that you don't want to live your life in fear.
Sometimes, you feel all the love and prayers wrap around you like a blanket and the loneliness seems to diminish...even if it's for just a moment. Those moments are what I hold on to.
Sometimes, I close my eyes really tight and go to the quiet place in my heart and I feel Chris...I hear his voice assuring me that I can do this...I will get through it...and I'm not alone....and I hear his laughter, feel his hug, and the way my head fit perfectly into his arms.
Sometimes, I doubt myself...I wonder where this road will take me and then, I give it up to God....and I take it one day at a time, not knowing where I'll end up--just that, wherever it is, I'm going to be okay and I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit.
Sometimes, I hear my own laughter and I see myself smile...and I recognize the person that other people see....and, even in the darkest moments, I still see a light at the end of the tunnel.
.Six Months.
Soooo, my six months is a day late...for obvious reasons. It has been quite difficult the last few days. The holiday season is harder than I could have ever expected. I'm not sure if it's that most everyone seems so much happier or that some of them seem so much grinchier that is the hardest part...either way, I feel like I'm floating somewhere between them both. Reminding myself of my many blessings and still feeling such loss...it's this multitude of feelings and each of them visits at a different time. I've had moments of sheer joy, complete sadness, feelings of hope, despair, anger, jealousy, love, hurt, and brokenness just to name a few. They come at different times and different moments...today I found myself overwhelmed at the fact that I woke up alone. That's when I just decided to put one foot in front of the other and see how far it took me.
There is a bit of disappointment that the traditions you always had feel flat and lonely...there weren't any presents under the tree for me this year...at least, not in the same as years past....and while you don't want to spend the holidays alone, there is part of you that just wants to be alone because you know you're not really that much fun to be around. Then, you do everything you can to make the best of it and perhaps make some new traditions and memories that will sustain you and leave you feeling the fullness you once loved again.
I know Chris is here and that his love undoubtedly surrounds our family this holiday season but it's just not the same and nothing in the world can change that. There isn't a single person who can bring me the peace and comfort that he could and, as much as I try, I can't understand when this is going to get easier. Granted, this is a rougher day than most...but I just miss him. I miss everything. I miss how he'd analyze what to get everyone and how he'd write lists on where to go and how much to spend on each person. Chris was one of the most thoughtful people I know and each gift he chose was beautiful and full of love....and still, I know he is always watching and sending the only gift he can this year--one of love, comfort, and peace....even if these days hurt to the very core.
I am grateful for what I have...and am learning now, more than ever, how to take care of myself. People will judge and, unfortunately, I am under a microscope when it comes to decisions I make...but I'm doing the best I can and somehow it has to be enough. No one is perfect and I am certainly far from it but I do everything I can to honor, each day, the love that we shared. I still hear his voice and if I close my eyes I can still feel his hug, and the smell of his hair, and how gently he'd reach for my hand just to say hello.
Some of the hardest days are these...the holidays...and here's the truth--it's never going to change. It's never going to be the same....and that's okay. I accept that, from here on out, it's just different....and now I know what to expect....also knowing it, too, will change as the years go on. Time stops for no one....and somehow, life does go on.
There is a bit of disappointment that the traditions you always had feel flat and lonely...there weren't any presents under the tree for me this year...at least, not in the same as years past....and while you don't want to spend the holidays alone, there is part of you that just wants to be alone because you know you're not really that much fun to be around. Then, you do everything you can to make the best of it and perhaps make some new traditions and memories that will sustain you and leave you feeling the fullness you once loved again.
I know Chris is here and that his love undoubtedly surrounds our family this holiday season but it's just not the same and nothing in the world can change that. There isn't a single person who can bring me the peace and comfort that he could and, as much as I try, I can't understand when this is going to get easier. Granted, this is a rougher day than most...but I just miss him. I miss everything. I miss how he'd analyze what to get everyone and how he'd write lists on where to go and how much to spend on each person. Chris was one of the most thoughtful people I know and each gift he chose was beautiful and full of love....and still, I know he is always watching and sending the only gift he can this year--one of love, comfort, and peace....even if these days hurt to the very core.
I am grateful for what I have...and am learning now, more than ever, how to take care of myself. People will judge and, unfortunately, I am under a microscope when it comes to decisions I make...but I'm doing the best I can and somehow it has to be enough. No one is perfect and I am certainly far from it but I do everything I can to honor, each day, the love that we shared. I still hear his voice and if I close my eyes I can still feel his hug, and the smell of his hair, and how gently he'd reach for my hand just to say hello.
Some of the hardest days are these...the holidays...and here's the truth--it's never going to change. It's never going to be the same....and that's okay. I accept that, from here on out, it's just different....and now I know what to expect....also knowing it, too, will change as the years go on. Time stops for no one....and somehow, life does go on.
.Bravery.
sometimes it takes everything in you to put on a brave face....just to get you through the day...and believe me, there are days when it would be so much easier to just shut out the world...and, on those days, i remind myself that if i can get through today, i can get through tomorrow. your heart and emotions will push you...and it is a true gift when you can push back with more courage than you thought you had left.
there is a quiet beauty when you can see and feel your courage and strength working together. yesterday, i had cpr recertification. i had to do it. my job requires it. no way around this one. and there i sat, listening to what to do with an unconscious person and how to react and check the scene and what you should tell 911 and it was like i was there, reliving the worst day of my life again...and yep-i wanted to crawl in a hole and yep, i wondered why i couldn't have done more...or if my reaction was appropriate in that situation-did i do it right and while all of this is running through my head-i had to stay brave enough to get through it...and, soon enough, it was over...and all the tears were dry and while it is difficult to find peace in moments like that...somehow you do--at least enough to tell yourself "that was good enough."
there are people you meet that have been through far worse than you have and it puts much in perspective. it changes you. it makes you thankful for what you have left and for what you had to begin with.
you see, there are moments like those that you can't avoid-they come unexpectedly and they challenge your heart to be grateful for your own bravery and courage. i have more hope in my heart than most people and true faith that there will be a beautiful rainbow after this storm. when it will end, i will never know...but i have faith that it will and when it does...i pray the sun is blinding.
there is a quiet beauty when you can see and feel your courage and strength working together. yesterday, i had cpr recertification. i had to do it. my job requires it. no way around this one. and there i sat, listening to what to do with an unconscious person and how to react and check the scene and what you should tell 911 and it was like i was there, reliving the worst day of my life again...and yep-i wanted to crawl in a hole and yep, i wondered why i couldn't have done more...or if my reaction was appropriate in that situation-did i do it right and while all of this is running through my head-i had to stay brave enough to get through it...and, soon enough, it was over...and all the tears were dry and while it is difficult to find peace in moments like that...somehow you do--at least enough to tell yourself "that was good enough."
there are people you meet that have been through far worse than you have and it puts much in perspective. it changes you. it makes you thankful for what you have left and for what you had to begin with.
you see, there are moments like those that you can't avoid-they come unexpectedly and they challenge your heart to be grateful for your own bravery and courage. i have more hope in my heart than most people and true faith that there will be a beautiful rainbow after this storm. when it will end, i will never know...but i have faith that it will and when it does...i pray the sun is blinding.
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