a new year.

oh, 2013......so much of me is SO ready for your exit. I feel like I had such a love/hate relationship with you this year.

this year held the first of many for me....destination weddings....WHAT?! first, vegas....then aspen.....then 2 Georgia weddings for next year....how am i THIS blessed? how can i even put into words how much i love this business of mine? it's easy----it drives me crazy. sometimes good crazy. sometimes crazy lady crazy. and, most of the time, happy crazy. the summers always make me appreciate the winters. and the winters always make me long for summer.....it's a beautiful push pull of magnified experiences. the good shoots feel amazing and the hard ones (yes, they exist) always feel so much worse. it challenges me to my creative core....and, as a person, i am often standing back wondering just what i was thinking when i invested my heart into a camera and some lenses. but that's what it means when you love something so much it hurts....it means that your best moments are often overshadowed by the hard ones....that your triumphs are soon replaced by your short comings.

with many things this year, i felt like i was fighting to remind myself of the good and keep fighting off the hard moments. 

i lost friends. i changed jobs. which, in turn, changed relationships. i got hurt. i laughed with my entire soul. i fell. i got back up. i had beautiful moments of living. i learned how hard it really is to take the high road. and i grew....more so in the last 3 months than i have in a very long time.

i found my heart unsettled. my life was becoming complacent. and i was allowing behavior from others that i would have never tolerated before. and it sucked. my heart was aching. i was at the bottom of a very ugly hole and just kept digging because it was all i knew....and somehow, i finally found it in me to stop. stop glorifying busy. stop allowing myself to be a welcome mat. stop repeating myself. stop this unending cycle simply because it's what i knew.

so i cut back. i listened to my heart when it said to slow down and i took a deep breath and decided to make changes. but change is really hard. and it's scary as hell. while i seem brave and courageous, i really am not one to jump outside of my comfort zone....but, at 28 years old, i finally decided i really had nothing to lose and nothing to be afraid of. if it didn't work, i'd figure out something else....and if i fell, i knew i had people ready to catch me. 

maybe that is the most beautiful part of 2013. i really did find out who my friends are. and i was reminded how much i am loved by my family. both my friends...some who i've known forever and others who have known for what feels like five minutes.....and my family have come through for me in ways i wasn't fully prepared for. from sundays in the creek to a mended fence that i needed so desperately to my parents coming to my rescue a billion times to new friends who have solidified a place in my heart, i have come to find that you need different people for different things....and, sometimes, when you're not looking--they've all rallied around you until you are strong enough to do it on your own again.

and people....well, they surprise you.

so here it is--the giant truth that i've learned in 2013---are you ready for it?

life goes on.

cliche? absofreakinlutely.

but it's true. whether or not you want it to or are ready for it, time will keep ticking.....and you have a choice to make....dance in the trenches (thanks sarah ann) and move or keep digging in your ugly hole. 

so, i finally chose to move....and that choice changed everything. 

maybe there were two lessons.

make a choice. any kind of decision. and go with it with all of your heart. don't doubt it. don't second guess it. just. make. a. decision. own it. and learn to love it. because you can still surprise yourself. yes. you still have that in you. and yes, it can change your entire direction.

and for 2014....i hope to be more consistent....i hope to dream bigger...and live through it rather than to just get through it. seems small....but really, living is huge. 

it means you choose to participate.

to learn.

to grow.

and to love.

harder.

< 3

.four.

i remember my first christmas alone.....
and here i am, about to face my fourth.

i didn't expect to still be alone at this point. if i'm being completely honest, i'm not quite sure what i expected but if i know anything, it's that it doesn't actually get easier....you learn to cope....and you find that, for all the good days, the hard days still come and you fight like hell to stay afloat....at least, until you can't anymore. 

and, for as many ways as life has gone on as usual, there are just as many ways that it hasn't.

traditions on my own just aren't the same.....and santa doesn't really come for me in the same way he once did. it's just not the same. and, for 363 other days of the year that i can let that go....these two are days i can't and won't fight. 

it's strange. i still don't understand how the ache manages to amplify. i really don't understand how some days that i expect to be hard are so easy and how some hard days are so so hard. i just know that i'm in the middle of one of those harder hard days and while i tried to sleep part of it off, i woke up and still had tears in my eyes. 

and while i know it's okay, it sure is hard to remember the good moments on days and nights like these. i found some wedding photos the other day and i don't remember the girl in them. i don't remember who she was at all....i don't remember what my hair looked like or the countless beads on my dress. i can't remember the girl who was unafraid and believed in herself without any fear of what could or couldn't happen. because, when i least expected it, God ripped out the rug from underneath me.....and many times He has tested me....but never quite like that....and never again will anything come close to how absolutely awful that year of firsts was for me. the first birthday. first anniversary. first christmas. first everything. 

i'd give anything for five more minutes. for a proper goodbye. for one last time. because while i know there is some kind of plan waiting for me, you never stop loving someone you lost. and on this Christmas Eve night, i am reminded of his faith in God's timing....he was always SO sure and so faithful and it gave me so much hope. 

and that's what i'm missing tonight.

hope.

because somewhere along the way today, i took my brave face off and decided it was okay to miss him with my whole self for one more year......because, when i least expect it, life will change again and i'm going to be ready.....at least, i'm sure going to try.

merry christmas, friends. 

love is hard.

my heart is feeling heavier than usual tonight....it's been with me for much of the day and shoveling seemed to help a bit--at least it was something mindless enough for a solid distraction....but i'm here now, feeling the need to spew all of these things out of my heart.

here goes nothing.

love is hard. i read something the other day that said rejection is better than regret. it's been on my heart and in my mind for quite a while. i've spent a substantial amount of time talking myself out of him and over analyzing actions and conversations.....because, really--he's not what I was ever looking for....and somehow he worked his way into my heart. and getting him out of it has proven to be a challenge. but here i am, reminded that love is the only shocking thing left in this world. it's the only thing that can really change it....and there are distinct moments when i find myself lost in translation.

and, as i shoveled my driveway tonight, i found myself ridiculously guilty for the many ways i've taken love for granted. the selfless acts from my parents, friends, family, complete strangers and husband. i never had to go out there and shovel the driveway. i never had to worry about that stuff. while i picked up the slack in other ways, i'm now picking it up in most ways....and i am always reminded how much i miss that husband of mine during the first snow fall. it's always the little things that get me.....never a grand gesture or something out of a nicholas sparks movie......it's always the garbage or the laundry or the snow blowing that bring me to my knees. 

i felt the tears come down as i realized i was half way done and the ache in my heart where someone was once over took my emotions. they quickly grabbed onto snow flakes and soon i barely noticed they were there.....and while i haven't cried a cry like that in a while, it was all things necessary. and while i do not want anyone to call and make sure i'm okay....i wouldn't mind someone to physically be here. sometimes i forget how much i need that....just someone to be in the same room, without having to say a word. it's rare to find someone who provides that for you. it's even more rare to find it twice....and that's a fact. 

so this is what i know for sure.....i'm not sure that rejection is better....i'm not even sure that it changes that place in your heart that you've carved out for someone. i'm only sure that love is hard. it always takes work. and it's never really all that easy.... at least not like they say it should be. but really, nothing ever is what it should be, right? 

faith, trust and pixie dust. 

that's what i'm holding onto tonight. 

seven.

if i'm being honest, today has been rough. i woke up to a quiet rain that made me just want to stay in bed. i've questioned my abilities as an employee, friend, team mate, daughter, and human being. it's not that i suck. it's that today sucks. and sometimes i forget that i've come so far....because there are moments and days like today that make me feel like i'm not doing enough. 

and even though my heart is more open than it's ever been, i wonder if he'd be proud....if i've done right by his memory....and then i remember that he has always been proud. he has always been here. and he's always going to be in my corner.....even when he shouldn't have all of the time. but that's real love....they've got your back. friends. best friends. husbands. wives. mothers. fathers. sons. daughter. it's the unconditional kind that doesn't come around very often....so you hold on really tight.

It's the idea that someday I could love again that makes me keep on trying so hard....because, like many women, I love love. I miss belonging to someone. But I won't settle for just anyone. And I won't compare. I just miss the hell out of that unconditional some days.

And tonight, while I lay here in bed, I am trying to make peace with this rough day. The one that had me in tears on the drive home. The one that knocked me on my ass at least twice. The one that made me hold my breath for most of today....

And I'm letting it go.

So I can breathe again.

first days and countless tomorrows

there is so much on my heart tonight....
it was my first day at my new clinic. while it was a good and productive day, i'm feeling overwhelmed and wondering if i can be what they need. i need to stop doubting myself. just because things are different and because they're not very efficient doesn't mean i can't make it better. i stared at that computer today wondering if i could make this software do what i need it to do in order for all of us to work to our greatest potential. and then i remembered it's my first day. and i'm not expected to have us building rome just yet. take a breath. slow down. it's okay that you don't know yet how it will exactly work out in the end. 

and i spent the entire drive home thinking about how incredibly hurt i was last night when someone i care for treated me like crap. absolute crap. and there isn't a single reason that it should still bother me. except that i'm tired of coming to the rescue for other people and when today was a huge day for me, those people that i've rescued didn't even check in or acknowledge. and once, just once, i'd love for the people who were too afraid to do anything for my last day were the ones who loved me on my next adventure. and, they weren't. in fact, i'm certain that it wasn't even thought of when he was caught up in his own mess. and i should have known better.

after that, i thought of the countless texts and messages with love and genuine excitement for me today and i was pleasantly surprised. and grateful. and i realized there needs to be some serious prioritizing. because i cannot keep on loving people who haven't been there loving me. and i tell myself this a thousand times. 
again and again. because one of these days it HAS to sink in. one of these days, it HAS TO be enough to change this heart.

and as the holiday season approaches, i find myself missing my husband even more than i usually do. the holidays were our absolute favorite. and the nativity we purchased five years ago that he never got to put up always pulls at my heart. the charlie brown Christmas that was his absolute favorite gets me every time. the countless dreams and ways he would always spend so much time agonizing over what to get me for Christmas. the way we'd spend time baking cookies, decorating the tree, and his utmost devotion to midnight mass. my heart is so much heavier this time of the year. because i miss him. and no one has come along who has changed it....and maybe no one will....so, as i wait, i find my heart lonely this time of the year. a little more lost than usual. and while i know this, too, shall pass....for tonight, and maybe even for a couple other tomorrows, i'm just going to miss his voice, his laugh, his hugs, those hazel-brown eyes, and the hope that someday i will see him again because it's been too long.....it's been so so long.

lessons.

in the middle of a lot of big changes, you find yourself reflecting a lot more....well, at least i do.

if i could tell my younger self anything, it would include the following:

1. TRUST yourself....and really, trust. don't second guess your second guessing. if it feels good, go for it....if it doesn't, don't. 
2. At some point or another, your mom is going to be very right....and you're going to understand all of the things she told you. Trust that, too.
3. People change and sometimes you find out who your friends are the hard way. They're the ones who believe other people's stories without talking to you first, they're the ones who doubt you, they're the ones who bring you down and never build you up. Life will always go on....so should you.
4. When something or someone no longer serves a purpose, let it go. 
5. Good love is rare....so when it slaps you in the face, don't walk away and don't push. some of the greatest adventures have come when I stopped letting fear win.
6. Dreams really do come true. But you're going to have to work your ass off. In fact, it's not going to be fun sometimes. Push through it. 
7. Do something for yourself that makes your own heart happy. Don't let it be for a single other person....do it because YOU love it. And never apologize for it. 
8. Love your family. In challenging times, they will always have your back, be at your side, and believe in you. 
9. Cherish your days. You will learn the hard way that life is truly too short. Don't waste your time....you really won't have as much as you think when you're older.
10. Vacation. Travel. See the world. Get out of your bubble and take your footprints somewhere else. 
11. Sometimes God really does give you more than you can handle.....but He always sees you through it. See #1. 
12. You're not going to know what you're doing most of the time....that's okay. You don't have to. In the end, it really does all work out like it's supposed to.
13. Bad things happen...even to the best people....but those people know about numbers 1 and 11.
14. You didn't know it then, but one of your best friends will come dressed in a giant amount of fur and she will listen to you, she won't judge you, she'll let you cry on her shoulder, and take care of you until you can do it on your own. She is your dog.....and her name is Maya.
15. When children are speaking to you, listen. When they call your name, answer. And when they need you, be there.
16. You're really never going to like pumpkin. That's okay.
17. You'll never believe it but some glass and plastic saved your heart when you needed it most. It came disguised as a camera and had canon plastered on the top. As a matter of fact, it's still saving your heart.
18. Hold on like hell......because, honestly, most of the time we're all just coming up with back up plans and major plans and a whole lot of educated guesses.....but if you're holding on tight enough, you'll be okay.
19. Your friends will not all be five minutes from you anymore....but the distance won't matter. Just invest in good luggage.
20. One day you're going to decide to have three dogs. At the same time. Don't do it again. :)
21. Worry less. Period.
22. Just keep swimming.
23. You still listen to the same song on repeat. And it still feels good.
26. Other people will always be better than you. there will be better admins, photographers, better friends, and even better human beings. Keep on keeping on....you're doing everything right.
27. Never do anything you'll regret in the morning or that will make it difficult to fall asleep at night. Enough said.
28. You're going to forget all of these things at some point. That's why #18 is so important....

and you're going to wonder about most, if not all of these things at some point.....and some days you're going to feel like you haven't done enough with your life.....but you're wrong. really wrong. 

and when you wonder, see #21. 

and then see #22.

toxic.

tox·ic

ˈtäksik/

very bad, unpleasant, or harmful.

"a toxic relationship"

 

I've used this word a lot lately....mostly to describe the types of things and people I am working so hard to eliminate from my life. both personally and professionally I've allowed behavior that isn't acceptable in any facet of my life and I've paid for it emotionally.

 

here's the thing...you should be happy...everyone should have an opportunity to work, live, and love in an environment that brings you joy. one negative person in my life was convinced you didn't need to have your dream job. you go out and get a good job and worry about your dreams later.....and you know what that leaves you? unsatisfied.

 

so, yes, I do believe you should be passionate about all parts of your life.

 

I haven't been passionate about certain people and things lately. part of it is that I've always struggled with letting go. I've often held on to things for too long...and for no good reason. it's one of my many flaws. part of me thinks it's because i'm fiercely loyal.....and part of me knows it's because I can be fiercely foolish. there has to be a middle ground that i'm missing.

 

I feel like I've been searching for that middle for too long. but sometimes you have to hit the brick wall before you start to make changes.

 

i'm not fully convinced that i'm making the right changes. these decisions are hard and sometimes they hurt. they hurt you right down to your core. but I have to believe that the end result is worth it. because, if it isn't, i'm not entirely sure what i'm doing and that just isn't an option at this point.

 

I am, though, very aware that i'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone....and i'm mostly tired of always being put on the back burner by myself and others. when I stop allowing it to happen, I put myself first....and I haven't done that in so long.

 

but I believe that i'm worth that.

 

and sometimes that's scary--that I don't and won't settle. sometimes I wish I could....some things would be easier...but other things would be harder....and i'm not sure I have the time or space to dissect which ones to lessen my grip on.

 

I just know that the toxic has to go.

 

because I like being happy. I like being passionate. and I love surrounding myself with those kinds of people. the ones who make you better and lift you higher.

 

so, i'm not sure when i'll hit the top of the wall....I just know i'm climbing....one step at a time.

grace.

i haven't been here in a while.
it's not because i haven't had the words to say.
it's because i've been fighting them.
hard.

september was crazy. i'm not kidding when i tell you that i often had no idea whether i was coming or going. i was behind on photos. i was behind in everything. i literally took things one minute at a time.

going into october, i was convinced that it couldn't be worse and would be miles better. i'd be in the same zip code. i'd know exactly where i was headed. my schedule was busy but manageable. and i was absolutely convinced i'd be just fine.

and then i got a puppy.

titan threw a total wrench in my plans. maya and finley have been so used to my schedule and life for so long that i had forgotten what it's like to have something small need me. and pee. and poop. without any care for where it was happening. i was mad. really mad. and upset.

i called my mom like four times the first week crying. convinced she had given me a defective puppy.

and i was exhausted. i got up every two hours in the middle of the night to take him out and sometimes he had an accident in between the two hours.

and i thought i was messing up his life. we were confined to my kitchen and office.

nothing fun was happening. at all.

if i wasn't yelling at him to stop chewing, i was yelling at him about his pee on the floor or the things he wanted to chew on but wasn't supposed to.

our first real week together and we were a mess. no routine. nothing happy. and i was STILL exhausted.

that weekend i had some photo shoots in milwaukee and i asked my mom to take him for the day but she offered to take him for the night. and i secretly jumped up and down inside.

she asked me the next day if i missed him. the truth was that i did. but i also felt like i couldn't give him the time he needed--especially when i was in the middle of my busiest season and....in the back of my head, i couldn't be that girl.  the one who gave her dog away. i took him knowing i was committed. but i worried that i was selfishly in the middle of puppy fever and made a mistake.

because i had been fighting so much more than my puppy.

i was in the middle of fighting myself.

i was convinced that if i just let love go and the idea of all the things i have been patiently waiting on, that i'd be better. that i wouldn't care about the place i had fallen into in this life. that my life--just as it is--would be perfectly enough....because, to be honest--it is. i have so much to be thankful for. and a God who continually blesses me.

but it wasn't enough for me.

i wanted more.

i wanted a perfect puppy. and that one guy to get his head out of his you know where so we could make babies and ride off into the sunset.

and i stopped trusting.

but even more, i stopped believing that it was possible.

i stopped listening to God.

so when i got a puppy that wasn't doing everything i kept telling him to do, i was convinced he was a project puppy. and that he wasn't nearly as sweet and wonderful as he was when he first picked me.

and i was wrong.

i drove home from milwaukee that night and i cried. a good cry. on the phone with my southern counterpart.....and she let me. bawl. because she knew i couldn't fight anymore. i had to face these deceptions and cliches i told myself. that when you let go, it just happens. that forgiveness is the best gift you give yourself. that people make mistakes--even if it's the same one over and over, it's a learned behavior and not their fault. and i cried because i was hurt. by other people. by myself. by people i thought loved me more than they have proven in their actions lately.

i decided, then, to take things at face value. to stop caring and investing in people who weren't doing the same for me. to be more honest about how i am feeling. and to honestly try to get my joy back.

so the very next day, titan came home. and i didn't hold him to such ridiculous expectations.
i didn't get mad when he wasn't listening perfectly or being my idea of a perfect puppy. i stopped gating him in the kitchen and pretending we all liked being stuffed into a square room.

i just stopped.

and i breathed.  a deep breath.

and believed i could figure this out.

i took back my hope.

and it was funny...things started falling into place. titan went 4 hours in his kennel without an accident. then we slept through the night. then he didn't go after my computer cord and picked his football instead.  all these little victories that were coming together. and i fell in love with him. he's sweet. and funny. and he is all sorts of crazy. and it's perfect for us. finley has a pal and maya gets to relax. he really is perfect for us.

so i stopped emailing my mom about my defective puppy and i sent her pictures of his look-grandma-no-accidents-today face.

after that, i sucked it up and realized some people will NEVER apologize or admit to their actions. and i decided i needed to be okay with it all on my own. that it is rare that people value an apology in the way i do. that some people will just never understand why i was so deeply hurt.

and i chose to stop making excuses for my feelings and decided it was okay to be honest. even when it's hard to tell people how you feel.

because i had to.

because holding it in and justifying it every single time had gotten old.

because even though people's lives change, you can still have great relationships. even though you've moved. or started dating someone new. or had a baby. or you're recovering from a break up.

and then i took another deep breath.

i reprioritized. i let go of a lot.

and i stopped fighting me.

while i am nowhere near where i need to get to, i am seeing the silver linings again.

and i'm on my way to reclaiming my hopeful spirit.

in the mean time, we've had 4 days without any accidents both in the house and the kennel. titan suffered a pinched nerve in his neck over the weekend and i've learned that i'd much rather be slowing him down because he's being naughty than because the vet said so. i am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and am committed to loving my life and to the people who have chosen to be in it. i have realized that some things shouldn't be as hard as they have been and some people will never understand how easily their actions wipe out every single one of their words. but i have to remember the hard stuff is what makes you grow....and, after the last few weeks, i've definitely been growing.

out of everything, this is what i know for sure: God gives you the grace to handle it all. I won't tell you that He doesn't give you more than you can handle because, let's be honest, sometimes He really does. the thing is it won't last forever.

because our idea of forever is never all that long.

hard lessons.

this girl is tired.

i learned a couple hard lessons this week.

first......that it's okay to stop worrying about the people who don't worry about you. there are people, both in my work life and personal life, that i had always given more care to than others--i made them a priority to worry about, love harder and be more present for. after a long and hard week, i found that stepping back a little changed nothing-i'm still the one reaching. i'm still the one worrying. i'm still the one being present. and as much as i'd like to give every benefit of the doubt under the sun, i'm just fully aware that some people change and sometimes you don't change with them. sometimes you learn that the only thing you can do is love and let go.

second....that people will surprise you. it's amazing how some people just love you--there is no rhyme or reason....nothing specifically that you did....but they will love you because you're a human and you should be loved. i found, this week especially, that there are people who i didn't expect to be as ever present as they are and they just stepped up. they were just there--not for anything but to be there--and i needed it more than even they knew. i should have given them more credit....and i'm learning that it doesn't necessarily matter how long someone's been around but that they're present. that's worth so much more.

third....needy isn't sexy. my mom always told me this. i have always wanted to be a mom and lately, i've really been working on letting go of the idea of having a baby in the near future. if it happened, of course, i would welcome it but prince charming hasn't coming driving in his ford taurus (i'm going for more of the every day instead of the knight in shining armor on his white horse). anyway....so many people are begging for things they want...clinging to people for validation and acceptance....and i'm learning to trust in a plan that only He knows. i'm learning that talking about a baby or a hopeful husband aren't going to bring one necessarily and i'm sure there are many others like me who are just sick of that being the only thing on their news feeds or in conversation. so i'm going to facebook stalk and ccap search less (i'm not the only one, right? :)) and just live.

fourth....sometimes you have to accept that you are your own super hero. sometimes you really will save the day for everyone else and you'll have to save it for yourself....without any help...and you'll learn that you're stronger and braver than you thought. you'll also learn you can keep going long after you thought you couldn't. and you'll find that stepping up won't get you an award or any extra appreciation but it will get the job done. maybe heroes are people who come in and get the job done without looking for anything....maybe you don't have to wear a cape...maybe you just have to do it until you can't anymore and hope like hell that there's a parachute if you should ever get to the point where you have to jump.

and finally, i learned to breathe. to walk away from my desk or my house or my computer for five minutes and reset. i've been finding ways to take deep breaths in ways that i didn't know possible instead of letting it eat me away. it's amazing what just five minutes can do.

tomorrow is already monday. a new week. priorities in line. cape ready. and just five more minutes until i decide to tackle another week.

magic carpets and stuff

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

how many times in life have i looked those twenty seconds in the eye and backed down? more than i'd like to admit, unfortunately. i know that it's true.....i know that minutes can change your life and using your words can make or break you. that, sometimes, saying what you need to say can free you....or taking that leap of faith might save you....and yet i stare at those 20 seconds like they're the scariest tick tocks of my life. i over think them....and i let them win. 

so as i sit here today, wondering why or what i am so afraid of, i realize it's not that what and if are terrifying words.....it's that when you put them together, they can haunt you. what if i just tell him my feelings....or what if i never sent that letter....or what if he never read the letter that i found 20 seconds of courage to send....or what if God's plan is bigger....or what if I have no idea what I'm doing.....

i don't know the answers to any of those questions....i just know that literally finding those 20 seconds can sometimes be harder than the leap itself. it's days and weeks of talking yourself into it....and then it's knowing that the outcome may break you. your heart may not recover....but it will--that's what no one will tell you.....that it will hurt, but you'll be okay.....because no one wants to tell you that he won't embrace you or that taking on that new adventure won't be the best thing that ever happened to you.

but let's be honest.

life isn't a disney movie.

i know, i know--that's a harsh one. i had been stuck in a land of princesses and mermaids growing feet for quite a long time. in fact, sometimes i am still there. i still believe in magic carpets and talking lions.....and i still hope that every little girl hopes to be a princess. but i hope it in a more realistic way now. that your prince might not show up on his trusty steed and may instead drive a toyota camry. that your dream job may not allow you to stay home and read books until you go to save your father in a castle with a very scary creature but that it might come dressed as work. seven days a week. with benefits of the heart and less on the paycheck side of life. that you may not have a monkey who turns into an elephant and a magic carpet that whisks you away but that you may have a great dog who allows you to sit on the carpet beside him. 

this is altogether ironic considering the very quote that requests 20 seconds of insane courage is from a DISNEY MOVIE but i'm sure you get my point. 

the truth is that some people are reallllly brave and they don't mind being courageous. i'd venture to say that people like that are a rare breed. i'd also like to admit that i am not one of those realllllly brave people when it comes to my personal life. i feel like i've taken giant leaps and jumps professionally and i'm not afraid to stand up for myself or my business but when it comes to possibly offending a friend or telling your best friend that you may have fallen for him or asking for help i seem to always lose my words and clam up.

i'm working on being braver. baby steps.

but i'm also working on seeing things in a more toyota-camry-seven-day-work-week-regular-burbur-carpet kind of way. 

that's the trick. balance. 

a healthy balance of dreams and reality. like knowing you can grow your hair to the floor but realizing people really shouldn't be using it to climb up. 

knowing there are risks but realizing the best things come when we trust there will be a soft place to land.

no matter the outcome.

that a magic carpet will be there whether you need to fall or fly.

and that 20 seconds isn't very long. it's just enough time to change your life. 

super woman.

today i need five minutes. just five. to breathe and not be everyone else's person.

five minutes to take off this cape and not answer everyone's questions or the phone or emails or cover an extra person's responsibilities or put on my go-go gadget arms or take on the world.

i need just five.

to reset.

that's the thing about doing everything.....people expect it at some point. they expect that you'll always wear your cape and you'll always be there to keep things afloat and you'll always do it all.....except sometimes, I don't want to wear the cape. Sometimes, I don't want to have to save everyone else....sometimes I want to have my own super hero and I just don't know how to effectively communicate that in my professional and personal life.

life is always a balance but i feel, lately, like I'm always putting out fires or coming to someone's rescue. When do i get to be rescued? Maybe it's selfish to want that but I'm tired of always having to pick up the slack and run with it. while some things are out of a person's control and i understand, it doesn't change the fact that i'm just tired. and overwhelmed. and unappreciated. and mostly, i think i feel unappreciated because when everyone expects you to do everything because you've been doing it already, they don't think they need to say thank you. it's just what you do.

and that's how i get to the point where i need just five minutes....because this cape is tearing and fading and i need to get myself back together.

i've told my boss, my friends, my coworkers and everyone under the sun how overwhelmed i am. it's not that people don't know--in fact, i think they know a little too much at this point and probably think i'm whining and complaining....but i'm not. i'm really just that exhausted and overloaded.

so instead of assigning diagnosis pointers, assigning date of last xray, changing diagnosis codes and writing NONE in various insurance boxes, i took five minutes. for me. and the phone rang and i answered it. and patients came and i helped them. but i didn't let myself get lost in the technicalities for five minutes. i came here and i vented so that by the time patients start coming in this afternoon i will have had a moment or three to breathe and reflect.

i know i am blessed to have a job. even more blessed that it's not one where i'm digging ditches. but i'm human and i have feelings and that's okay, too.

it's okay to not want to be superwoman some days.

it's even more okay to just want to be olivia.

keep calm and carry on.

Tomorrow

This week held a lot of unknowns if I'm being honest. I got into a fight with my best friend--one I am still not sure we will recover from....I stood up for myself at work which is rare....I took a chance on trying something new and I tried like hell to let go of this frown I've been carrying. I would say I was about 80% successful on the last part but tonight I am still searching my smile and grasping for straws.

Love is a funny thing. It comes to you when you aren't looking. Even then it's questionable. Even then we spend time analyzing and overthinking situations and things. It is impossible for me to believe that love can come again. At least, right now it feels pretty impossible. I have grown to accept that this life....these dogs....and a business that I built from the very depths of myself are about all I have right now. In my attempts at letting love go I think I fell deeper without even realizing it.

I still get Scotland signs so consistently. I wonder what God is trying to say. I always find a way to tell myself He is saying not to give up. But let's be honest...he isn't going to write back to that letter I sent. In fact, he probably doesn't know that I exist. He might have once but you can't make someone love you and you certainly can't make someone like you. In the middle of realizing that I need to let go of the idea of a response I found myself saddened that I wasn't worth it. Truly, I wasn't mean or spiteful. I just needed to get it out. And to be acknowledged. But he probably does really think I'm crazy. I'm not sure. I just know that walking away is the most necessary action I can find. Signs or not, you can't go where you're not wanted. As much as I am dreaming of a London vacation, I'm terrified I'll run into him....and then what. Even the thought gives me false hope....so it's time to start walking before I find myself convinced that he never got my letter or he's still finding his words.

And then there's Mario. Man, I have been hard on him lately. But it's because I know the truth. His truth that he won't admit and keeps carrying. And it's because I let my guard down too much and he hurt me. He doesn't even know what he did but it has stayed with me for weeks. It has rocked me to the core and I am so very aware he has no idea. My heart can't take much more when it comes to his careless actions so I have to move on before it consumes me.

Moving on and letting go are harder than they look. Feelings can suffocate you if you're not careful and those same feelings can save you if you are brave enough to let them.

Today I'm not feeling very brave. At all.

But maybe I will feel it tomorrow.

And hopefully I'll surprise myself tomorrow.

stung.

gigantic sigh.

today has gotten the best of me. i feel so damn sad lately. and, even more, i feel defeated. i think everything came crashing on me today and i truly wish i had stayed in bed. you know the saying sometimes you're the dog and sometimes you're the hydrant.....today i am definitely not feeling like the dog. but i guess that's okay. i guess you need to get knocked down every once in a while so you get back up.

it's that getting knocked down part that's hard. it's feeling like no one notices or appreciates all you do or how hard you try...and it's knowing that picking and choosing your battles might be the hardest part of your day sometimes.

now i feel whiny. and that's so not attractive or like me. i think processing feelings and putting them in certain boxes is harder than it looks. in fact, i don't think many people give it much thought if they're not in it. but here i am, in it...trying to put my feelings in boxes and doing my best to hold it together. if we're being honest, i'm not doing a great job at that at all. and i'm tired of trying. just tired.

so here's to letting go and finding my joy again. i don't know where it's hiding but i've got to find it. i don't have a choice at this point. if i go any longer without it, i might fall apart and i just got myself back together.

that's the funny thing about this life. you hold on like hell and hope there's a net to catch you when you fall....but when you don't, it stings for a while....

so i guess i better start stringing a net beneath me....

because this sting is too much to bear.

conditional friends

if there are two things i despise it is avoidance and dishonesty.

i hate feeling like i'm not worth being honest to and, even more, that you'd rather change the subject than just tell me the truth. i don't understand why people feel the need to hide things. i have always been pretty transparent and believed in the idea that if you don't want people to know about it, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

at some point, there has to be a point when they get sick of dancing around the subject, too.....right??!

i shouldn't care. i mean it's not my life. but i'm not one of those people who can just shrug it off because it's not my life. i mean, if you're going to jump in front of a train, i'm not about to stand there and let you do it because it's YOUR life. when YOUR life starts impacting other people, it's probably time that you start listening and stop doing. you start practicing honesty and feelings and you stop avoiding and pretending so you don't have to answer for your decisions. that, my friends, is not okay.

and here i am wondering when honesty became a lost art. i've been known for my blunt honesty and you either love it or hate it but i don't know any other way to be. and i also don't know that i'd want to be any other way. there are hundreds of times in my life where i could have just told people what they wanted to hear but that's not doing any kind of service to anyone. if you want to know how i feel, i'll tell you. and if you don't, then don't ask :)

but, in all seriousness, i just hate feeling like i'm not worth your honesty or time. there are few things in friendship and relationships that i hold sacred and honesty and trust are the top two. maybe it's because i've been hurt and played before OR because i've also been the friend who was too scared to be honest at one point or another. i've been on both sides and i realize how much easier it is to just be who you are and not apologize for it later.

sigh.

i also realize i need to pick and choose my battles. you can't change people and getting upset will only do so much....but man, it's hard to just stand back and become a spectator in a life you care about. really hard.

and, truly, i am beyond grateful for the people who haven't avoided subjects and have always given me their full honesty and disclosure even when i don't want to hear it. those are the people i need to keep close in life...and i am reminded today that they are rare and wonderful and i'm thankful for that.

i don't do conditional friendship or love. i'm all in or all out and i will give until i cannot anymore.....and i guess that's why i hope for the same back. i am also very realistic in my need to let go of expectation. while all relationships are a two way street, people are not and you have to take the good with the bad i suppose. you can't love people in slices. but you can step back. and you can re-evaluate. and that is just what i plan on doing.

a mess of feelings.

i sat there today screaming inside. instead of actually screaming, i shut off. i quietly remained calm and avoided every "what's wrong" with a response that allowed me to avoid the feelings in my heart for as long as humanly possible...or 10 hours, whichever came first. i prayed you wouldn't see through me but i'm quite certain you did....or you really are that oblivious.

and i sat in my office and fought every urge to say what i am really thinking. and i decided, right then and there, that you are just a moment in time....that someday you'll leave and probably never think of me again and i need to start doing the same about you. and hope like hell that i can actually do it.

letting love go.

it seemed so much easier before this weekend. i don't know what happened....other than that i think i let my guard down a little too long and here i am....fighting to put it back up or that i finally admitted to myself everything i've been thinking and feeling. i'm not so sure where i stand with myself at the moment...just that i'm more confused than i've been in a while and trying so hard not to get lost in the shuffle.

sooooo

in the middle of editing a gazillion wedding photos, i'm just trying to put it all out of my head for a while and be thankful for the mass of confusion in my heart because it means i feel things....a lot of things....even when i just don't want to.

i would hate to go through life without feeling anything.....or to have the ability to just turn off my feelings and not care. i think it would make for a pretty boring ride. and i don't like boring.

and i'm trying not to wonder what he's doing tonight or who he might be with or if i even fit into the equation at all.....because worrying won't change a thing....and wondering is getting old. nobody is perfect and everyone needs something to believe in so i'm just going to believe in me at the moment....and focus on what i know for sure.....

that it'll all be better in the morning.

line in the sand

i could really go for a thunderstorm. it's amazing how much the weather can comfort someone.

i've had some crazy dreams lately....and i'm just feeling a bit down today. investing in people is hard. you never know if you're appreciated or cared about until it's often too late. sometimes i wonder if people realize how their actions and decisions can impact someone else.

i've always believed that guys and girls can't be friends forever. i still think that's true. at least, when it comes to my life. i've had many friends of the opposite sex who i've gotten close to.....and, unfortunately, i cannot stop the piece of myself that wants to marry my best friend....so when i get this close, it's hard to not want to cross that friend line....even when i know what's best for me.

so here i sit, fighting the feelings that seem to be haunting me and knowing the only way to to get through it is to stop spending time together, stop caring so much, and just stinking let go....but it's not that easy...not in any kind of matter of the heart. and yes, there are a hundred thousand movies and television shows that make me believe that giving up is not the right answer but there is so much of me that knows i cannot do this anymore.

the problem is that i cannot avoid him....and i absolutely should not have feelings....but i do.

and that is the hardest part about being friends with a man who makes you laugh and smile and infuriates you but makes it impossible to be mad at for long....because, at some point, someone has to draw a line in the sand and stick to it and since he isn't drawing, i will....and then i'll hope like hell that i can stick to my side of the line.

that's the tricky thing about love....investing in someone is far more dangerous than lusting after them. when you invest you care about their heart and you just want to see them happy....when you just want someone for their outside, you don't care as much about the rest. so now i'm trying to figure out how to "uninvest" if that's at all possible. for the record, i don't think it is.

and here i am, praying for rain and a bit of a comfort and peace for this heart tonight....

but even more, for the courage to stay behind my line.

making room.

it's been a few days since i've been here. honestly, i've been processing a lot of feelings and emotions.....here we go.

since letting love go almost two weeks ago, i feel such a gigantic weight lifted off my heart. it's the loss of expectation i think. it's not wondering if every new patient that walks into the clinic is single with decent health insurance. it's not reading into friendships and truly just taking it for what it is. it's also deciding that i'm enough on my own and that my company is valuable and my time is precious. it's amazing what a difference the mind frame switch is....it's more amazing how much less i worry or care about it. 

someone told me it is as if i've given up all hope...and i haven't. i've just decided that, for me, letting go is a lot easier than holding on like a vice grip. i would spend days and hours thinking about it....wondering where or when it would fit into my life and not trusting God or His plan. It's not like I don't or haven't believed He isn't finished with me yet....but I do believe I lost sight of it....I think I got so caught up in timing and making sure I was at the right place at the right time that I spent my entire heart betting on it and slowly broke my heart one piece at a time....and that can't happen anymore. 

i've got to save myself, too....and to do that i've got to love myself..and that's where I'm at. so it's not a ton of progress but the weight off my shoulders is enough to feel like it might be enough for now. 

that's the beautiful thing about letting go...you make room for the good stuff.....

and right now, i'm content making room.

silver linings and ruby slippers

sigh. this blog has been on my heart for a few days.....and i think i've finally found my words.

i have, lately, felt so incredibly unsure of my place in my own life. i've felt more than one kind of guilt over leaving my dogs for hours to pursue my dreams....i've been distracted, dropped the ball, been uninspired, and have felt left behind by a few people who i care about more than anything. in an attempt to not be clingy or needy, i've allowed myself the space to deal with it within my own heart and have, truthfully, cried more than i've laughed in the last week.

all that ugly stuff aside, i've truly found myself thankful for the many people who have stepped up recently and sensed my mood before i could actually verbalize the things i've been fighting. my heart has been so restless and my entire self has been exhausted....down to my core...but if i'm truly honest, i know i've brought on some of it myself. i've over scheduled my life in an attempt to just not deal with the hard stuff....because i'm tired of the hard stuff except it always catches up to you. in fact, i can tell you the many times I'VE told people that very sentiment.

i'm sure you're wondering if there's a silver lining because this has been pretty depressing thus far....and yes, there certainly is. for me, it wasn't a giant epiphany and nothing super happened to me....the silver lining has existed all along.....and i found it among the beautiful moments spent with my friends and family in the last 5ish days. i found it in my mom's comforting words and true love as she told me that the sun would, in fact, come out tomorrow. i found it among friends on a completely spontaneous friday night in a place that had a hand in pushing me into this funk a few weeks ago. i found it while i carried three lenses and directed a wedding couple into the photos of my career this last weekend. and, today, i found it in these 10 minutes between photos here at starbucks....it's like when Glinda tells Dorothy that she's had the power to go home all along.....it's how i feel about my silver lining. i have spent too much energy focusing on the things that will get me nowhere....and too little time focusing energy on the absolute wonderful and positive things in my life. that's a hard balance, friends....one that i wish i could tell you i've mastered....but after a hiccup in my business last week, i found it difficult to see all the good i've been striving for.

and you know what, i'm glad i didn't see it right away. i'm glad that i felt the sadness that comes with knowing you wanted to do better and didn't....because not a single thing in the world compares to the content feeling in your heart when you just let yourself off the hook.

i have beaten myself up long enough and wondered why i haven't been worth keeping around for some people, all the while knowing that relationships change at many parts of our life and i've questioned my existence, my ability as a leader, and the many times i've spent too much time over analyzing all parts of life.....and i've done all of those things quite well....

but today, i gushed to my boss about the many things i've done right in an attempt to begin to pick myself back up again....i laughed on purpose and i tried like hell not to get caught up in all of my short comings. i've counted my blessings for random acts of kindness and been thankful for the fact that my curls held in my hair nearly all day long. you see, when it's hard to find the good stuff, one compliment on your hair can make all the difference....and i've clung to it all day.

so many people look at my life and tell me constantly how awesome it would be to be me....and some days it surely is awesome....but the reality of it all is that i'm human--just like everyone else....and it's not always awesome but it's always real and i'm here....which is a gift in and of itself when i know how very short life is.

and, for tonight, i'm clicking my heels together, just like Dorothy did-surrounded by my own version of the lion, scarecrow, tin man and Glinda who will remain unnamed-and reminding myself there's no place like home....there's no place like home....there's no place like home.....

hiccups

yesterday was not a very good day. in fact, for many reasons it may go down as one i despise for quite a while.....

it's hard owning your own business. it's harder when one of your business partners is your friend and i mean that in the best possible way. We had a hiccup yesterday. Initially, I wasn't angry and I couldn't figure out why....I was frustrated and maybe a little disappointed but I never hit the anger part. Part of me feels like I should have been but mostly, I just feel like I let her down and, in turn, i let myself down....and that, friends, is a harsh reality. I have been so busy lately that my radar on what is going on in ALL parts of my business has been off. In fact, if I'm being honest, I've been off. Stuck in the mundane, trying desperately to get my creative mojo back....and knowing that I'm doing nothing for anyone else because I'm barely doing anything for myself. so yesterday, it became very clear how much I've been faking it....especially when I was cutting and pasting (essentially) 6 images together to make one....and still praying this enlarged print turns out.

Sigh.

So.....what now? I'm not entirely sure. In fact, I cannot even tell you that I'm ready to move from my stuck spot....this week certainly feels like it's gotten the best of me and it's only thursday....but I am certain of a few things. Life is hard. Being an active participant in life is harder. You never know if someone will appreciate your efforts or if all of your trying will still fall short.

Many pieces of my life are moving...friendships changing shape....a true decision to stop caring about the opposite sex....and a career that is ever changing. Those are my big pieces...the ones that fill my life with priority and love....and I'm struggling to keep up....but I'm also fully aware that I have to be a piece in there somewhere. I have, lately, felt the true struggle with "doing it all" and am now at a point where I'm trying so hard to free up my life that I think it's getting worse. I am the worst at saying no to people and it drives me crazy. I always want to help people but it's taking a toll and here I was yesterday, with a hiccup, because I said no and it didn't go well. My choice to turn away a large family on my birthday so I could have a day off left my friend and partner in a compromising position when I should have known better.

I'm sure I can turn these lemons into lemonade and I'm more sure that I'm going to be okay and learn from this disappointing lesson....but the thing about hiccups is they stay with you for a while....and I think my heart will be reeling from this for a little bit....mostly because I feel like I let my friend down and my client....and I never like doing either of those things.

So, I think I'm going to take a bit of a sabbatical.....dig deeper into the things I need to work on and spend less time doing things that are unimportant and uninspired. I'm going to take a break from facebook and work only when necessary to finish sessions. Right now, what I really need is a step back because my tank is pretty empty.

They say you can get the hiccups scared out of you or you can drink lots of water or you can hold your breath or you can put a pencil between your teeth and drink something...and probably a handful of other old wives tales that are a sure bet to beating them. Honestly, I'm not sure which of these sounds crazier but I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't about to try them all.

defining beautiful

I've never considered myself beautiful by any sense of the word. In fact, I've recently described myself as the girl who's a 10 on the inside and maybe a 5 on the outside. I have lost 42 pounds to date and am still feeling like that's less than superb and yet I have these beautiful friends who are considered unbeautiful by definition of Vogue or Women's Health that carry themselves with such confidence and poise. They dress well, speak with words that are well thought, and have it together.

Today, I woke up, did something a little different with my hair, opted for a shade of eyeshadow that would match these big brown eyes, and picked a shirt I normally wouldn't wear. It's probably nothing all that out of the ordinary but I still feel subpar when it comes to the world of beauty and fashion. I have always loved who I am....my bubbly and borderline over the top personality, my compassion, my willingness to help someone, and that I'm warm...there isn't anything about me that is cold or uncaring....and while I've always believed that would win someday, I'm learning that beauty is different for everyone--especially for me. so here I am...learning to love and accept myself for who I am in this moment because even if I did look like heidi klum, i'm pretty sure that I would still have to learn to love some of the many things i don't.

but that makes me wonder, if we're all fearfully and wonderfully made, then why do i feel like this? perhaps it's part of society....and perhaps it's just part of growing up in a visually stimulated world. I am quite certain I'd be judged differently if I lived in a different country--maybe worse and maybe better--but if i went to a terrible part of africa with arms wide open, ready to just love a child, I don't know that what I look like on the outside would matter as much. for the record, i'm not planning on a trip to africa anytime soon.

it amazes me, though, how we find the homeliest dog to be cute or we see the beauty in the struggle after an animal has been beaten yet we judge others without knowing their story. You have no idea that I grew up on boxed meals and processed foods because it was cheap and it's what our family could afford. You also don't know how badly I was teased and made fun of. You wouldn't know that I have poly cystic ovary syndrome which has entirely altered my hormonal make up and you wouldn't know that i see people constantly and wonder if i'm pretty like they are.

while i understand we're not animals and i certainly was not one of the pit bulls that michael vick put against another dog because he was being a jerkface, I wonder why I can't accept that this face is pretty fine just as it is.

so here it is, my commitment to loving myself.....loving the pit bull inside of me if you really need an analogy (did i mention i'm not crazy) and hoping that I can see myself beyond the story and the rescue....and, even more, that I can see others for who they are and not what they look like. I'm going to try to stop putting my features against another woman's of the same stature or height and I'm going to really accept--once and for all--that there is only one me.....and thank God for that.

my own hero

they always tell you it's better in the morning.

and, honestly, i've always known that to be true. today is no different. i woke up at 5:59 am and took a deep breath and i did feel better. but not great. i still have a pull on my heart to let myself breathe a little....but as i went through my mental to-do list today, i am feeling less than adequate and completely taken over by my unbalanced life. but that's okay....really. i'm finding the blessing in that, too....because i have a great desire to reprioritize. unfortunately, it's usually only when i'm feeling down and out that i truly find it in myself to dig deeper and get to the bottom of these raging waters....like yesterday, when i realized i needed to let go.

i am not one to publicly vocalize my troubles and sadness....except for here...and this feels less public than facebook or some other large social media platform. most of the people who come here have found me by and for a purpose...i consider most of those who read this blog (even the people from russia and the netherlands who are faithful readers lately) to be friends. so i wonder, often, how many others are like me--trying so hard to hold it in and not even telling your closest friends that you're hurting. the people i work with and see the most every week have no idea how my heart feels....and my own mom has no clue that i'm trying to keep together...but i am....and i'm constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass.

i think the monotony of life gets the best of me sometimes. i definitely feel like i'm not doing enough or i'm not living enough but honestly, i'm not sure where else i could squeeze in more living or more doing. that's the thing with the glorification of busy--i truly am not glorifying it one bit. i'm JUST busy. i'm utilizing every minute of my day (or lunch hour at the moment) to do something productive. it's insane to me that there are people who literally do nothing. i took a nap yesterday and woke up feeling guilty about it--but my body literally needed to stop.....so i put on the breaks for 2 hours and wondered how people do this every single day...and how do moms do it--flying everywhere, managing schedules, living by the calendar. it blows my mind.

so, today, i'm searching for distractions. instead of thinking about hypothetical henry i'm thinking of the puppies my mom's dog is having this week. if you can't fix baby fever, puppy fever will have to come in as a close second....and while i'm not keeping one, i'm going to snuggle in some fresh puppy newness for the next eight weeks instead.

instead of thinking about dating in any sense, i'm thinking of a spring london vacation. saving extra here and there for different splurges. and a hot air balloon ride in there somewhere--maybe even before i leave. distraction completed.

you see, i'm totally making this up as i go along. here's a secret for you--i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing. i'm just winging it--one distraction here and another there until i've finally created a happier and more loving space in my heart. i'm sure you are wondering why i want a more loving place if i'm letting go of love--well, because, i've got to love me.....and that's a lot of work when you have only half loved yourself for quite a while....so i'm making space for my own heart, my own love, and my own version of happily ever after. i guess i'm deciding, once and for all, to be my own hero. i'm even contemplating making a cape. you know--for effect.

some days you don't win...and other days you just hope like hell you're a little closer to where you want to be than you were the day before. i'm still unsure on where the heck i'm headed....but i'm going somewhere. that's enough for now. because a start is better than nothing....and believe me, i'm fully prepared to fake it until i make it.

letting love go.

this blog has been in my head all day today. time to just let it out i guess....

i let love go today.

in between sessions, i had a 43ish minute drive back to elkhart where i grew up to meet my best friend and her family. on the way there, i was overcome with so much emotion....

lately, i have been so focused on the families/couples/babies/etc that i've been photographing. it has never bothered me before....but as I've now turned 28 and am noticing and wondering where all these plans went that i had made, I think it's become more than real....soooo, while i was driving and intermittently crying, i let go of love...the desire for it...the longing...and the hope that goes along with it.

i'm accepting that perhaps i found a glitch in the system-that love that good isn't meant to last forever....and maybe love, for me, comes around just once. maybe i can be everyone's cool auntie or the friend that can take your kids in a pinch or maybe i will just have the coolest dogs on the planet.

so, as i drove and let go of the many what if's in my world, i decided that letting go is about the only solution to this heavy heart i've been carrying. i think i have finally begun to accept my journey and love my life as it is....and as i spoke to God and told Him I would follow Him wherever he needs me to go, I put scotland to rest....i stopped over analyzing my on and off crush with my coworker....and i recognized how much i've grown to love myself and how far i've come since the bottom fell out.

i know that the only way to truly be happy is to be happy where you are right this minute with what you have. so many people have told me that love comes again...even for me....and so many others have told me i'm beautiful and all of those nice things but holding on to that has become too hard...the hope and the idea has begun to hurt too much and my fingers are blistering from holding on so tightly to the idea that one day i might have my own child run for me or a solid and happy relationship again.

and while i am unsure of where this path will lead me, i am entirely sure that this might be one of the hardest things i've ever done.....so the rain and the clouds today made for a perfect setting to ease this restless heart.

i cannot tell you what it's like to have your whole world ripped out and to start again....but i can tell you that it can change you if you let it. before chris, i had never really been on my own.....and now i can honestly tell you what it's like to be an independent person who can handle nearly anything that comes at me. i can tell you that some days i do not know how to calm the waters but i try to stay afloat.....and i can tell you that life does go on--even when it's hard...but i cannot tell you what to do or where to go or what will happen....it's impossible for me to understand or explain...i can only tell you that you just grow....your heart grows and you pick yourself up again and again.

so today, i let love go.....and it hurt....but i am hopeful the sting will wear off and my heart will find itself happy again....that my hands will heal and that maybe i'll find it in me to hold on to the idea of it again but, for now, i'll just keep swimming.

doing it all.

sometimes it feels like being human has a price.
maybe you're too afraid to say what you really feel. maybe you're too afraid to be rejected. maybe you're not good at expressing yourself. maybe you don't know how to pick yourself back up once you've fallen. maybe you just feel like you're not who you want to be at the moment. maybe there's a hundred thousand battles you're fighting and you can't find your words.
but some days all of that gets the best of you.
and here you are, trying to find your words....trying to find your smile....and trying to make it....

so yes, being human has a price.
being you is hard some days.
and, in case you were wondering, that "you" is actually me today.

i'm feeling less than awesome lately. i suppose it comes and goes in waves...and i suppose that everyone feels like that at some point.

i think, as women, we feel so much pressure to do it all that we forget that it all is too much for just one person. God didn't make us to do everything. He made us to do some things and to lean on other people. It's a giant puzzle to find your team mates....your best friends and your person.....but we aren't meant to do it alone. we're meant to love big....and not worry so much about all of the other fillers that make us question all we are doing with our lives.

i wish i believed that pep talk or that giving it to myself made any ounce of better. today i'm just tired and it's been a long day and, honestly, i'm beat. i'm also a bit sick of having to do it all so instead of editing, i'm blogging and hoping i can justify that when i wake up in the morning.

sometimes we all need a break.

and some days i'd like to take a sick day just for the hell of it.

but that's not who i am. and i don't know how to not feel guilty doing that so here i am, doing it all and praying that it doesn't take over me soon.

because i'm tired.

and i'm reminding myself that i'm no good to anyone if i'm not good to myself.

so i'm going to go to bed. and not feel bad. and i'm going to wake up tomorrow and try again......because, if nothing else, it is a new day....and there is always room to try again.

good night, friends.

Perfection

I feel like I have so much to say today.

I did a shoot for a client at the beach tonight. I watched them pull in and looked over to excitedly wave from my car...and instead I saw the mom take a big sigh. Not like a good sigh but almost a not excited sad sigh. I asked her right away how the kids were and she told me it had been a rough afternoon. We set out to have an adventure and I was trying to assess the dynamic. After a few set ups and shots I asked her if she was okay....she said she was trying to let go of the idea of perfect pictures.

Then I sighed.

I, too, want to give you those magazine-worthy images but I am also realistic. I am less concerned about everyone smiling and looking at me as I am that you are simply with me, in the moment. We all have off days and we all have expectations...especially of showing off your family that you see as so imperfectly perfect. You want the world to see those dimples that your son inherited from you, or how much your little girl looks JUST like her dad or how much you love them.

But here's the thing.....we will still see that. Chances are that your loved ones already know about the dimples and who looks like who and how fiercely they are loved....so before they check if your hair is in place or who is sitting where, they already have that warm fuzzy feeling just from seeing you. Because they love you....because they know you....because you are you. I also realize you know all of this and I am just someone you've known for five minutes telling you this.....but in those five minutes I've noticed your 14 month old is almost the size of your 3 year old and your husband's strong black wedding band and your daughter's perfectly round head and I've seen you carefully get your kids out of the car and grab a cardigan so they don't get cold and how you've convinced your three year old it was really his idea to take his shoes off. I've already begun to love you...even in just five minutes.

And I came home tonight and stared before a screen full of images that I love....I stared at the most perfect images. Because they're you.

So.....as with any part of life...I urge you to be present. To come to any situation with an open heart and to love your life, flaws and all.

This mom taught me a lesson tonight...and I am beyond grateful for her honesty. It is a beautiful thing to have made some magic with them.

I hope you hug your babies tonight and every night before they outgrow your lap. I hope you love harder and deeper....and I hope you spend your life in the minutes so by the end of it you will have lived each day to the fullest.....nothing in the world compares to your life.....nothing at all.

Judged for my heart

I attended my 10 year high school reunion last night and I'm left with so many mixed feelings. I think I have figured out why people don't attend these things. Some things never change. I found myself still nervous to approach the "popular kids" table and still sitting with the people who were on the outside of that very-popular-kid-clique. Who wants to be reminded of their status in high school?? Especially when you're approaching 30.....nobody.

It's funny because I now surround myself with people who find me to be fantastic, funny, wonderful, and brilliant.....and I certainly don't feel like I haven't done anything with my life in ten years....by no means am I disappointed or ashamed of who I am or where I've come.....but i sure felt like I didn't fit in yesterday. Granted, there were the few staple people where I'd always felt myself at home....but then it seems odd to me that in a class of 54 people and 10 years later, I again felt like that awkward sophomore who just couldn't find her place.

It amazes me at how much I left behind when I left that place and that town. The same very-popular-kid-clique proved to stick with what they knew and stuck pretty close to home....and I realized, as I say with my people on the unpopular group, I found that we had spread our wings the most. We've taken chances and tried to be better. We left and didn't think twice about it. For that alone, I'd rather be sitting at the unpopular kid table any day.

I am still feeling rather uncool this morning and hating the reminder of who I was once but I am comforted at the life I've built for myself now. There is not a single person in my life who does not add to it positively....and I don't compete in popularity contests. I am thankful for that...and for the fact that I've learned to love myself and truly appreciate the people in my life who don't make me feel like that awkward sophomore because while I am by no means "cool" I have a good heart, and I'd rather be judged for that than my clothes.

Cement

I'm in Milwaukee this morning for a Medicare conference....(aside from taking photos, I work for a fantastic chiropractor) and during the 95 minute drive....amidst being stuck in traffic, I have had plenty of time to think. Mostly about friendship. And time.

I've been realizing lately how conditional friendship has become. When it's convenient or when you really need someone and you reach out. When did it become that...when did we stop valuing friendship in the way that we once did. Was it when we got a new boyfriend or when time seemed to run away with us. At what point did we begin to justify our distance and at what point do we decide who gets our unconditional love. I've been struggling with that thought as I've struggled with conditional friends lately. I'm still unsure of what the answer to that is.

I know that I'm busy and life is busy but it seems easier to use that as an excuse than ever before. I also know that the people I thought would be here....even in my mundane moments...aren't and that's  disappointing to say the least.

I feel like there's a fear that exists in friendship that doesn't exist in your relationships with your families or partners....we are so scared to share what bothers us or vocalize the things that have hurt us because we don't want to change the dynamic but we don't realize it's already changed. When your bridge starts burning, the only way to put out the fire is to talk about it or you risk the entire thing going up in flames. I've bravely talked things out and I've foolishly watched some relationships go up in flames. Some of those were necessary....others were sad losses.....but either way, I'm here now....trying to find the best way to strengthen and grow the ones that matter.

Life is hard on your own. Friendship is a cement that kind of fills in the cracks between your family, your professional life, and the many other commitments you've made. You can certainly get by without it but the cement is what strengthens those other things....because it fills your soul...and there is nothing in the world that comes close to having a good or best friend. Nothing even close.

We all need a person or persons.....you know, like Meredith Grey and Christina. We all need someone who would drag a dead body with us across the floor. We all want that kind of unconditional. That's what I know for sure.

And, for the ride home, I'm going to focus on my persons and my best friends....because I am thankful for their cement.....and I'm thankful for their unconditional friendship......which is rare these days.

So if you're feeling like a conditional friend, I hope you consider who would drag a body with you and if you can't think of anyone, I hope you find out whether or not you need the cement.....that seems like a good place to start.