It's been a whole seven days since I woke up and cried into Maya's fur....one whole week since he walked away...and for a whole week I've wondered what he's doing, if he's okay, if he's thought of me, and if he even knows that I exist.
People have asked me if I'm heartbroken and while I'm sad-it's all relative. I buried my husband. That's heart breaking. This....well, this is just par for the course in starting over, I suppose--or at least, that's what I tell myself. I wonder how I got so attached and how he couldn't see the love I had to offer....but I also think that I did everything I could...sometimes, your timing is just off.
I think, in general, people are scared of loving someone....or maybe of love in general. What if it doesn't work and you get your heart broken and you're stuck starting over again....but then, what if you don't? It's so easy to let fear drive us--we stay on the safe side because it's what we know and we find ourselves stable and stuck in what is easy instead of pushing ourselves for what is hard. I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be and I am scared too...of getting hurt....of giving my heart away....of trying again....but I refused to let those fears and insecurities drive me. At the end of the day, we were not meant to be alone. God did not just make Adam or Eve....he made both-as partners.
Being alone has it's place and it is important to prove to yourself that you can exist entirely on your own....but it isn't everything....to be self sufficient is sometimes just enough. Sometimes you have to let something take you off balance in order to find your balance....sometimes you have to just have faith that God wouldn't bring someone into your life if you weren't intended to meet them.
I am still trying to find the lesson--maybe it's that I am seeing myself as finally ready to put it all out there again...or maybe the lesson comes later. I'm not so sure....maybe I just need to wait and see.
I don't know much about life...but I know about living and I know that denying love because you're scared won't get you where you want to go....and sometimes it takes another person to help you see who you are. I only wish he could have seen that before he walked away or that I would have known then how to show him just how beautiful good love can be....but sometimes, you just do what you know and hope for the best and really, isn't that all any of us can do? We just keep making educated guesses in hopes that one day it all makes sense and it will, at least, I believe that it will....not because I have to believe that, but because I trust His plan.
