.Hindsight.

I have really been struggling lately...with a variety of things...failing friendships...body image...whether or not "here" is where I'm supposed to be...and, of course, if I'm actually ever going to figure it out. That's the thing..just when I think I've got it...when I feel like I'm "golden" God shakes me a little harder and reminds me that nothing is ever really "safe." 


I am the queen of inspiration....or so it would appear. I post those sentences that pop into my head in hopes that it makes you think and consider things you hadn't before...or maybe it will make you take a hard look in the mirror....and they're the very things I consider myself....and I rarely let anyone see the part of me that struggles, hurts, and is desperately crying for help. I was faced just Friday with one of those moments and the shuffle of the business of setting up games and life reminded me that, by no fault of my own, we are not always warranted the time we need and often we cry out for help at all of the wrong times in all of the wrong places. It was terrible timing that left me feeling leveled, needing to take my bravest face and put it on....and so, I did. 


The thing about those moments is they are designed to teach us about ourselves....how strong we are, how much we can take, and how much we SHOULDN'T take on our own. Often, I wait for far too long to lean on someone else and by then it feels as if I am already losing the battle....and I've already convinced myself that the very doubts I have are true and will define me...instead of seeing the good in me--the beauty in myself--the friends that have stayed--the God who has loved me through it and in spite of it. 


I think we all have such a desire to take everything on ourselves...let's face it--we were all raised to believe we could do it all. Every teacher, my own parents, friends, and colleagues have all told me at one time or another that I could have it all--the husband, 2.5 kids, hypoallergenic dog, successful carreer(s) AND happiness...all rolled into one...but the act of taking it all on has been exhausting...especially because my plans didn't really go as planned...but the hopeful girl in me still believes that one day I will be waiting for the days when I complained only about my house being messy and not having time to fit in a nap while I chase around those two and a half kids all with strong names who are trying to grab the dog's tail and have dinner in the oven and am just waiting for Mr. Wonderful to walk through the door after a long day....that's the thing about Hope--it's more than just a pretty word--it's a state of being....a true state of believing in the simple fact that, like Annie says, the sun will come out tomorrow. 


But everyone, even me, loses sight of that very hope-filled feeling. Everyone has moments of feeling lost, unsure, and completely left behind. Perhaps it is the change of seasons that has taken me into the hardened parts of my heart or the exhaustion that has surrounded me lately. Either way, my hope has been lacking and my heart is tired....but I am aware of perspective and just how bad things could be. I know more than most that time stops for no one and I think I'm finally recognizing that resisting the changes that have occurred in my life....sometimes so rapidly...will not take me anywhere....and certainly won't bring back what's been lost--relationships, friends, missed opportunities, and a million other "what ifs" that sometimes haunt me. I gain nothing from digging in the past...and yet, I have spent far too long dwelling in it. These are the moments where I have to remind myself to let myself off the hook....that I can't change what's happened to me--even when I did laugh so hard my chocolate milk came spewing out of my nose in 4th grade and I felt like I was going to die--but I can let.it.all.go. 


I have hope that someday I will see myself for who I really am...that someday I will know with all certainty that I am right where I'm supposed to be....that fewer expectations make less disappointment....and that His plan for me is greater than anything I could ever begin to imagine if only I trust in it. 


And, for the record, if I had known that the chocolate milk incident was going to be the least of my worries it might have changed my high school career...especially that awful meeting with the softball hill my freshman year as the senior boy I was convinced would marry me drove by while I was writhing in pain nearly eating grass....if only I had known it then.

.Goodbye To You.

I have taken a lot of time to really think about this decision...mostly because, when your heart is as big as mine is, you don't want to hurt anyone and you want to know that the decision you've made has been well thought out and that every opportunity has been given in which to turn things around. 


It's not a matter of fault...there was no big blow up...and there certainly hasn't been a "defining moment" in deciding that it's time to end a friendship that still means so much to me....sometimes, you just begin to accept that the person and friend they were once isn't the friend and person they are anymore....and, truthfully, I really need the person they were before....so, perhaps, a lot of little moments that lead to believe it was time to begin moving on. 


Life is busy...we are all busy...and because of this, the time that I do have is limited and needs to be spent with people who truly do want and deserve my friendship. I have very clearly, multiple times, laid out the expectations I have...and some people may think I ask for too much but each and every time they look me in the eye and make promises they can't possibly keep. Part of me is hopeful that it's not purposeful and another larger part of me knows that it easy to want to please someone and so we make empty commitments that always end up coming up short...and someone is always disappointed...usually the one to which something was promised. There is no apology....they couldn't possibly feel bad for swapping you with another, more important friend....but you sure feel sucker punched when you truly realize the rank in the priority list and you find yourself wondering where exactly on the totem pole you fit...if, at all. Harder than all of that is knowing that once you knew your place and while people change...the part you've lost is that you haven't changed together...somewhere along the lines you got lost in translation and one of you is still standing at the train station waiting to board while the other is long gone by now. 


The tricky part is the many ways your lives are tangled together...you will undoubtedly see each other and interact with each other...and it will be awkward and uncomfortable at times...but you will tell yourselves that it can't possible be as strange as you think it is. The silence that was once easy is now awkward and tense and your heart which once understood this person is now bewildered, sad, and empty....really empty. 


The first few days are hard...you hear or see something and you want to call them, but you don't...because you're, A...fearful they won't answer and B...knowing that you could find a million reasons to try this again but you know that the past will likely repeat itself....and you just don't have it in you to wait it out, again...so instead you begin the long, hard walk into acceptance and while your heart breaks you know you have got to be stronger for it in the end...there is no way you would have gone through all of this if you wouldn't but if I'm being completely honest, you're not sure of that very thought. You might just need that person who has come through every now and again to be there for that "now and again" time when your struggles seem so much bigger than you. Somehow, though, you put on your brave face and keep walking...and, it is my great hope that, before I know it, I will remember you only as someone I grew apart from and all of the hurt and bad feelings will be gone...that seeing your face won't feel like a dagger to my heart and that I will be thankful for the brief part of my life you were once a staple in. 


In the mean time, I am patiently waiting for that very moment.

.Fishing.

I am reminded daily of how short life is...I am, though, not always aware of how much I take things and people for granted. I have always believed that if you know where your heart is you're okay...good, even. But in the midst of a busy life, I have often lost track of it--priorities, passions, dreams, relationships, things, and...unfortunately...people. I try so hard, but I am human and often find myself trying just to stay above water...for example, I should be editing photos right now...but my heart is important and for now, this is where it needs to be.

I am amazed at the many gifts I have received, even among great loss and sorrow I have been fortunate enough to have such blessings. Just yesterday I noticed a bracelet and it read "strength"...it was for breast cancer awareness...but I considered the word for a few moments...and I felt this overwhelming sense of ownership to that word...being strong is so many things. It's the simple act of getting out of bed when you just don't want to or answering that phone call every single time someone calls--no matter how many times--so that, at times, you can be strong for them...it's knowing today might not be your best day but tomorrow has got to be better...it's putting on a brave face when you want to fall apart...it's knowing you've given everything and done more than you can when you feel like you have nothing left. Being strong is in the little things as much as it is in the big things....it's in a sincere apology....it's letting go of the past and the hurts that haunt you--of which, I have many....it's knowing that your heart is healing, even when we don't fully understand it.

I am convinced that we don't always see things the way we should...that our hearts get cold and tired and we forget to count the moments. I know better than most how quickly those moments can be taken away...and it is my greatest hope that we will learn to soak them up...so completely that our hearts may never become dry and bitter....but I know that we will, and that sometimes we will act out of impulse and anger instead of love...but I am learning to be more completely forgiving. I say completely knowing that I will let the past be the past...and I will actually move on, turn the corner, and let it be....to let love be bigger than me. 

Speaking of moments..I was on a photo shoot this morning and noticed the frisbee golf hole at Silver Creek Park where I tried so hard to "participate" in one of Chris' favorite hobbies and flung my frisbee in the creek where he lovingly fished it out and promised me he'd always go fishing for those discs as long as I always tried my best....and here I am, still trying, knowing that somewhere in that great big sky my Anyway Person is still fishing out my discs and setting me back on my feet when I find myself staring at the ground. 

For today, I am reminded of how grateful I am for the people who are in my life...for the moments I wouldn't trade for anything...for memories...for tears and laughter...and for knowing just where my heart is.