remember to breathe.

i haven't been here in a while. call it avoidance or annoyance, but i've been using my pen and paper more than i ever have before. i guess it's just a different form of getting it all out...but today, i felt compelled to return to the airwaves.

change is constant. it's everywhere. and i'm sure you've heard the people say the only thing that you can always count on is change.

it's not that i love it--i don't. but i'm more of an adapter. i learn to find something i can connect with and i just suck it up and figure it out. realizing that others are so resistant to it is hard....especially when it impacts your life.

when it's a positive change, that's one thing....but most of the time, it isn't at all positive and you're trying so hard to stay afloat until it all just catches up to you. sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. the learning isn't always easy....neither is the changing....but somehow you come out unscathed for the most part in the end. sure there are a few hurt feelings and a lot of words that have been thrown around but, for the most part, you're standing and breathing and that has to be enough.

i'm in the middle of lots of changes in my life both personally and professionally. finding a balance right now FEELS impossible. i literally am reminding myself every day to keep moving because if i stop and analyze, i might quit my job because i have found myself hurt and disappointed at the end of too many days and i might sell all my photography equipment and move anywhere but here because sometimes i don't want to be everything for everyone and i might turn off my phone and leave behind anything that looks recognizable because i'm just exhausted and fried.

i feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i'm exhausted. tired. i am losing patience and any kind of hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. maybe that's a little extreme but it's how i feel. i've been patiently waiting for things to get better....for there to be SOME kind of reminder that this isn't all for nothing....but here i am....still waiting.

i know the grass isn't always greener. but i've been working my ass off at watering my side. obviously that's a matter of perception but i don't feel like i've got anything i need to do differently. i've been better at letting things go and picking and choosing battles than i ever have before. i still feel like i'm coming up short. and i don't know how to not feel like that. i think it's because i love so hard that anything less than 100% is difficult for me to accept. it's exactly why being an afterthought yesterday morning hurt and still makes me feel about 2 inches tall.

but here i am, still trying....to find my patience and hope among all of this change. because people need me. and i need me.

so while i find a way to refill my tank, i am going to remember to breathe. that's always a start.

consideration.

consideration.
it's one of those things.
you have it or you don't....
you get it or you don't.....
and, if you don't, then you're consistently wondering why you're not deserving of it. or if you're the problem.

and then self doubt creeps in.
way in.

and you question your abilities.
something you've never done before....you've never questioned them. you have always believed you're genuinely good at what you do. but all of a sudden you're not so sure.

and then you wonder if you're moving the right direction.
if you're actually in the right space and place.
you question everything you're doing. are you the crazy one? is it possible that you haven't changed one bit but everything around you is changing....
and everyone.

so you hold on like hell...to anything that remotely resembles something good. and you cling like crazy to the things and people who don't let you down. patients. clients. family. friends. and you find that you're back at the beginning of a funk.

there isn't a manual for me.
include me in your day.
in your life.
let your actions be louder.
tell me something funny.
give me some kind of indicator that you know i exist.
and that you're glad i was born and am still breathing.

that's it.

it's not much.
i don't need help.
i need a cheerleader.
and a pep talk.
and a reminder.

because sometimes you feel like you're unimportant.
and you don't matter.

and then you start to believe it.