Keep the faith.

I believe in starting over. If I didnt, well, I wouldn't have made it this far. 


I am exhausted today. I have felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time and can't process them all at once. Losing my grandma today set off what feels like a thousand triggers. She is the first person I've lost since Chris that was close enough for me to feel the impact of the tremors...almost like an earthquake. After I said goodbye on Tuesday, I came home and put in my wedding videos and got lost in translation for what seemed like an eternity. I know that God has created our hearts to heal but, in healing, I don't remember things like I used to. I don't remember his laugh or the way his eyes lit up when he smiled....how he always thought I was much funnier than I actually am...how he always knew just what to say....how he balanced my heart without even knowing....and the moments I need those very things, he is another universe away.


You see, I've determined that if I remembered everything, I would live in the past completely so I am understanding the purpose in it...I just wish that in these, my weakest moments, there was more clarity than I have....anything definite...anything that remotely makes my heart feel like it isn't going to fall apart again....and so, I wait out the storm--like any person in a crisis, I am unsure of when the tide will turn and when these waves will stop crashing over me....but I am trying to see all of the good things and the many characteristics of myself that are resilient and redeeming. My heart has bounced back from so much and I have so bravely gone for everything I've wanted....but it isn't exactly easy for me to be the catalyst. Sometimes, I just want to be the one who gets to sit back and take it all in...but I'm learning that I wasn't made for that. At some point, you just find yourself breathing and laughing and doing all of the necessary things to get through the days and the moments....you reach out to the few people you trust and mostly you just tell people you're okay and you don't disclose anything major....just keep on swimming, right? 


I find that I am learning to be patient, although it is hard....but mostly, I'm learning that God has placed a lot of responsibility on my shoulders for a reason that I don't yet understand. I have come a long way....but there are always bumps and bruises...and just when you think you've got it figured out, something else comes your way that throws you off. 


For tonight, as uncertain as I am today, I am hopeful that I will see my own strength and see the beauty in the many ways I've begun again...started over...and kept on believing. 

Foggy.

There are days and moments when I have to remember that I am enough. Today is one of those very days and moments.

For the first time in a really long time, I let a boy into my life. He came in softly, nothing too hurried, and surprised me. I remember his handshake the first time I had met him...that it felt like a hug...and that I needed to know him. I, thankfully, knew his mom and-long story short-I gave it a shot in the dark that he would want to get to know me. I spent my time enjoying the phone calls and here and there texts and a day spent talking and laughing by the lighthouse....we had a great time. He gave me every indication that we were headed in some sort of direction but I soon found out he had a wife-his job. I hung in there....tried to get him to see that there was more to life than work and that your work wouldn't bring you soup when you're sick or comfort you when you're sad....but he couldn't balance...and here I am, unsure of what is next. He hasn't said he's out or walked away but I've reached several times only to find myself empty handed and the rejection is something I am trying not to let eat me from the inside out. Everyone says it's his loss...and while I believe it for a moment, it isn't long enough to convince myself of it fully.

I had finally opened myself up to the idea of someone else again...given him enough time to make me laugh and giggle and now I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea of hanging on or letting go....I could keep hanging, but I'm not entirely sure for what....his priorities are so top heavy with work that I could never compete. It's not as if a girl and work are even in the same category--put me next to another woman and I could maybe fake my way through it but I can't compete with the one thing that has brought him comfort since his traumatic losses. My head says I need to let it go because it's not doing any good for me but my heart...see, that's the problem--it's attached to the knowledge that something good could come of this....that he might surprise me...and it's taking everything in me not to text him or pick up the phone...and then, I wonder how I ever let myself like someone so much.

I wish I knew all of the things I should do but the only thing I know is that he's great and has so much to offer but I can't keep on holding on to what might as well be nothing. I am hoping for distractions and some kind of clarity....because right now, everything is just so foggy and nothing quite makes sense at all. ahhh, sounds a lot like dating.