Foggy.

There are days and moments when I have to remember that I am enough. Today is one of those very days and moments.

For the first time in a really long time, I let a boy into my life. He came in softly, nothing too hurried, and surprised me. I remember his handshake the first time I had met him...that it felt like a hug...and that I needed to know him. I, thankfully, knew his mom and-long story short-I gave it a shot in the dark that he would want to get to know me. I spent my time enjoying the phone calls and here and there texts and a day spent talking and laughing by the lighthouse....we had a great time. He gave me every indication that we were headed in some sort of direction but I soon found out he had a wife-his job. I hung in there....tried to get him to see that there was more to life than work and that your work wouldn't bring you soup when you're sick or comfort you when you're sad....but he couldn't balance...and here I am, unsure of what is next. He hasn't said he's out or walked away but I've reached several times only to find myself empty handed and the rejection is something I am trying not to let eat me from the inside out. Everyone says it's his loss...and while I believe it for a moment, it isn't long enough to convince myself of it fully.

I had finally opened myself up to the idea of someone else again...given him enough time to make me laugh and giggle and now I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea of hanging on or letting go....I could keep hanging, but I'm not entirely sure for what....his priorities are so top heavy with work that I could never compete. It's not as if a girl and work are even in the same category--put me next to another woman and I could maybe fake my way through it but I can't compete with the one thing that has brought him comfort since his traumatic losses. My head says I need to let it go because it's not doing any good for me but my heart...see, that's the problem--it's attached to the knowledge that something good could come of this....that he might surprise me...and it's taking everything in me not to text him or pick up the phone...and then, I wonder how I ever let myself like someone so much.

I wish I knew all of the things I should do but the only thing I know is that he's great and has so much to offer but I can't keep on holding on to what might as well be nothing. I am hoping for distractions and some kind of clarity....because right now, everything is just so foggy and nothing quite makes sense at all. ahhh, sounds a lot like dating.