.Tomorrow.

I came here today just needing to let it all out. I'm feeling a bit lost in translation. My body has an urge to cry one of those deep sobbing cries and I feel like I'm trying to catch my breath....but nothing happens when I give myself the room to let it all out. It feels, literally, like a weight on my chest....a large wooden box placed upon it...but when I open the box there is nothing there....just a big space where things used to be--where my life was once. It is true...so much has changed since that day two years ago....since the moment when the bottom fell out....and it's evident that I've come a long way...but everything has a price. If I had known then what it was, I might have lived a little differently....but that's the thing about the past--you can't change it.

My present is different than most other things in my life have been. I've learned that I'd rather be late having spent precious extra moments with people who love me than to be on time for the meeting I overcommitted to. I've learned that your priorities need to be in line in order for there to be balance and happiness in your life....and sometimes the places you've put others are not the same as where they've put you....so it is best to be aware of where you stand. I've learned that you can't spend your life planning your future....sometimes you just need to go with it. I've watched people push away the best parts of their life to advance their career or to get a few extra brownie points with the person they are smitten with....don't lose yourself because once you have, it's pretty hard to get your self back....at least, not without unnecessary pain...and the same goes for the people who stood by you and loved you anyway--you can only push them for so long...then, you better hope you've got something to back it up with. I've learned that things are just things and stuff is just stuff...you can't put a hug in a box or a kiss in a drawer or laughter in a jar--those things are priceless and should be treated as such. I've witnessed what happens when you take someone for granted and have experienced it first hand....if you knew today was your last day, what would you say to them? Maybe we should consider that when leaving anyone at any moment...would they know you loved them...would they know you would have walked through fire for them...because those are things you should know without a doubt....especially if you should find yourself in a burning building. I've experienced the power of prayer and trusting in a power greater and stronger than yourself...in a God who loves and saves....who doesn't promise an easy journey but who will promise you company along it if only you have a little faith. I've learned some people never change and the past, more often than not, dictates future behavior....so trust your gut when true colors are revealing themselves. I've learned to wait 24 hours before I say something I might regret....it's easier to take back what you haven't said than to ask for forgiveness for the things you have.

I've found that my worst day could have been much worse...and while that sometimes brings me comfort....for the next 24 hours I'm going to let my worst day crash over me like the tide coming in and..whenever the time is right, I'll watch the tide go out....and, in the wet sand, I'll write LivHope.

Butterflies.

I don't know why it feels like next week is coming on unexpectedly...I certainly have been watching the calendar...counting down the days even....and here it is, less than seven days away....and here I am, feeling like the world is crashing in on me already. I know I'm entitled and everyone grieves in their own way and blah blah blah, but I just miss him...I keep asking for a sign....for something to tell me I'm on the right path....but I can't seem to find it or see it....or maybe no sign is a sign in itself.

This whole week feels surreal....we had our first date on this day, 8 years ago....and I can still remember what he wore and what I wore and the nervousness in my smile...would he like me, would I be enough, would someone more worthy catch his attention? Then, before I knew it, he was climbing the stairs--I saw his reflection in the mirror--and there was no turning back. I knew there was something amazing about him the moment we met....and I still get butterflies when I think about it. But, I'm human, and there is much of me that still wonders how a man so good could be taken so young....and while I know that it is not my place to ask questions and that faith means trusting without seeing the end point on this journey...my heart has such a desire to know. I also realize that if it had not been for this man, eight years ago down to the very moment, I would not be here...in Manitowoc....with the people in my life that I have and everything would be drastically different--maybe even worse than it sometimes feels now. 

I'm strong....most of the time...but I feel myself coming apart at the seams....and I suppose that's okay....for a little while. The beauty in the breakdown is that it doesn't last forever....that by this time next year I will be further than I am now....and that 2 years ago I remember telling people that I couldn't imagine moving on....that there is no way I could have a life without him in it....and that I would never feel joy again....but all of those things are wrong. I've moved on--cautiously at times....and with a heavy heart--but I've kept on moving...and I have a beautiful life filled with love and beautiful people and he's still in so much of it....and I have felt joy....laughed with my whole heart...and smiled wider than I thought possible.

4:30 pm. June 20, 2003....that's when I met my husband....that's when God put me in the palm of His hand and told me to trust Him....hold on tight....and brought me the sweetest butterflies I'd ever known.

Anyway.

Two years is coming so fast....11 days from now....and when I really think about it, today-two years ago-my life was everything I wanted. I had a husband who appreciated me, fought with me (that's important), fought fair is even more important, and loved me anyway. When I say anyway, I mean that he was my person. You know...the one who, even on your ugliest, worst days, loves you anyway. It is rare to find that quality in someone. The "Anyway" quality....and even more rare to be able to trust in it...but when it comes along you hang on tight....and sometimes we hang on too hard and before we know it we're wrapped in a love so big we can't even figure out how we got here or how we'll get where we're going....and sometimes, in a blink of an eye, everything changes....and the shattered pieces of your life stare at you in the mirror....because no one can see a scar. No one can see your heart aching...all they see is what you let them....which has brought me here, to this--my safe place.

I've been tired lately...missing my anyway person....facing the realities of it all again....and just wondering when the upswing will return. I keep myself distracted enough...busy enough...but somehow it just isn't enough....it's just filling time....waiting until I get to him again. How do you ever find a love like this again? I know everyone says it's possible but I'm not so sure. There are millions of people all over the world waiting for their anyway person....what if we only find that person once...then what? Do we settle or do we spend an eternity checking things off the proverbial list of "needs and wants"? Or, do we just accept it for what it is....and whatever might happen will just happen? I'm unsure on this. While I've considered seriously dating again, I'm not sure I'm 100% sold on it. Everyone says it changes when you meet them but what if my heart is so closed off that I've missed him already or he passes me by....will someone again fight for me? 

These are all things I don't have any answers for....but I allow hope to live inside of this heart...and I wait until I feel it pulling me along....sometimes I'm not sure where it takes me--most of the time I find myself unsure but for now, I'm just taking it day by day....minute by minute....until it gets me to my person....my love....my anyway.

.Perspective.

It's been a while since I've been here...partly on purpose...mostly on account of keeping myself distracted and busy....but, none the less, here I am again...seeking comfort and relief in on this web page where I've watched myself live and grow.

I was able to be away for a little while...and vacations are always very good for me....gives me room to breathe, to back up and see the world in a different light....but the difficult part is the putting into action of all the things I've decided and relationships I've reprioritized.....or, so I thought I had. I have the hardest time with knowing when it's time to walk away. I never want to give up on anyone...but I also can't continue to be taken advantage of....and while everything is give and take, often I find myself giving and giving and giving.....one way street relationships are just not what I need in my life....but the disconnecting and the fully letting go are much easier said than done.

In the end, it should be about the people who have always been there....but it's easy to take the best thing for right now...to go to the temptation..and to not know what you've got until it's gone.

It's easy to take for granted what you have because you don't realize that tomorrow it might not be there....but it is true....tomorrow does not come for everyone. I know that better than most....but most people find out too late....and when they have, there is no turning back....no second chances....just faith and hope that soon enough they will begin to realize how blessed and lucky they are. People like me don't come around every day....and sometimes we lose sight of the big picture....but that picture is there for a reason...for perspective....for boundaries....and to pull us back when we've gotten in too deep.....so, for tonight, I'm going toward the shallow waters.....giving myself room to breathe....for now.