a thousand things are running through my head. my heart. i'm so lost in translation.
do you believe in signs or coincidence?
i've always believed in signs. i've never thought much of coincidence. i figured if God didn't have it planned then it just wouldn't. things simply cannot be as random as others think.
i think He's smacking me in the face. all these signs lately.
one big map and a bunch of ambiguous directions.
i cannot make sense of any of them. just last night, in a church on a sign, was-quite literally-another sign.
what am I missing? I keep asking. I keep listening. harder than i have before.
i just keep getting more signs. more and more signs.
i have tried to piece them together...thought of a hundred thousand reasons why it "isn't" and i cannot commit to any of them. they just aren't sitting well in my heart.
but what if it's all in my head? all in this hopeless romantic heart?
i am a sucker for a happy ending and i've been waiting on mine. i had it once. but it didn't last long enough. and here i am...starting over. dating at 27 isn't my favorite. and there's this guy. this one stinkin guy i can't get rid of.
he's the source of the signs.
scotland.
praying to God and opening my eyes to find your extended family in the pew in front of me at midnight mass.
running into all of the "h" family at defining moments.
scotland.
feeling like there was so much to say in september but i was so unsure.
so much more scotland.
i spent my summer considering that it was in fact, me. that i wasn't enough. that you just couldn't tell me that. but then why is God still pushing. why is He still pressing? i don't understand.
i have always believed everyone gives you a lesson. i am still searching for this one. i feel like i am grasping for straws but there just isn't any explanation.
mama j told me maybe the lesson isn't over yet.
more matters of the heart.
more confusion
more signs.
more scotland.
and then i think, what if this is all nothing? what if it's a figment of my imagination and what if he has no idea that i even exist? what if I'm just another person for him. what if these aren't signs....what if there are wedding consults with scottish fiance's all the time in manitowoc? what if there is scottish dancing on new years in a church? what if his family comes to my church all the time even though they're members somewhere else? what if running into his family is just part of being in a small town?
what if.
those words. they're going to haunt me.
but what if i'm not ready to be brave
what if i don't want the response.
why do i have to be the catalyst.
for once, i want someone to chase me.
just once.
but the signs.
God has always made me a leader. He has made the initiator. the catalyst. He makes me the doer. the fixer. the girl with a heart so big she can't just stand in the wings.
so, now what? how long can i really ignore the signs? i keep saying, "i'll do something about it on the next one" and the "next one" always comes. and here i am. waiting on another.
just waiting.
so confused.
holding onto something.
but i'm not sure what.
20 seconds of insane courage.
that's all you need.
i'm telling myself that...you know, for the "next one"
