The hard days seem to stare me in the face lately...this holiday season is testing me. Rocking me...down to the core. These days...they hurt. It's not excruciating most of the time--it's just this dull ache that never leaves. It is the constant that you can always count on...and you fight and fight just to make it through the day--one day--so you can wake up in the morning and do it all over again. At that point, exhaustion sets in and all you feel like doing is curling up in a ball and shutting out the world.
And all you can think about is starting over.
Who really wants to start over when everything you had was everything you wanted? Unfortunately, there are parts of life where there are no choices and the only thing you can do is start picking up the pieces. In the process you find how strong you are. Sometimes it surprises you...sometimes, you don't feel all that strong--most of the time, you don't feel strong at all. Truthfully, most days consist of just putting on a brave face and promising yourself that if you can get through today you can get through tomorrow.....and then, when you least expect it, you begin to feel the tears coming on....and before you know it you're crying....a cathartic, deep cry that physically hurts--your head wants to explode--and it takes your mind off your broken heart for a while and when it's over...you believe you're going to make it. You're not sure how-just that you will.
Even in all of that, I would never give this pain back. I would still marry Chris every single day knowing this is the outcome. Love is an amazing thing. When you love deeply, you regret nothing. Not one thing you did or said....you just know that you drowned yourself in this beautiful love that evelopes you when you are at your worst and embraces you when you are at your best. That very love changes you....and it sustains you because, when you least suspect it, there will come a time in your life when you will undoubtedly feel like things can't get much worse....and that love will fill you with hope until you can hold yourself up. In the mean time, though, there are those few days when it feels like all that is left of my heart is a hollow place where the joy and love used to be. It's a terribly lonely and scary feeling.
But most days, I can tell you that hollow space fills again. The dreams we had of a family and the direction our life was headed are not over--but the dreams change direction. They have to so that someday filling the space will be something you realize you did after the fact....so when you look back, you stare in amazement at the fact that you did it without even realizing it. I can still do all of those things-just in different ways. I think the hardest part sometimes, is beginning to accept that you need to adapt to the changes you never thought would happen in your life until much later on.
I have a long way to go...this journey will be ever changing and somehow that's okay. You see, when you've been through the worst, everything else seems doable.
There isn't a day that goes by when I don't feel Chris here...I still feel his love surround me like a warm blanket...and while I miss him every single day...I had him and, even on my worst days, that makes me smile the most.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
.Blizzard.
12/8/09
The weather is just plain nasty tonight....and plans to be tomorrow as well. The first big snow storm of the season...probably more of a headache for most people but for me...I remember last year at this time when my wonderful husband was so proud we purchased our snow blower just days before the first big one was to hit.
He woke up earlier than I did for work and always around 430 to dig us out...he bundled up and while he didn't really love the chore of shoveling and digging us out-he did it proudly because he was happy to take care of me and our family...proud to be a good husband. Those moments are so clear in my mind and it brings tears to my eyes as I now have to take on both roles to take care of our family.
Just yesterday, I felt like I had a million things to do and yet I didn't have enough arms and legs to take care of it all....and I got flustered and Chris was always here to ground me. I miss that so much. I'm so mad he isn't here to help me. He always picked up where I left off and I never had to worry about it--I never even thought of it. He always knew my next step...my next thought...my entire self-inside and out.
What do you do when your best attempt always seems to fall short...what then.
It is difficult to not be disappointed that you can't just do it all and take it all in stride. It is difficult to want the one thing you can never have again and yet still be so thankful you had it at all. It is difficult to face each day without Chris. It is difficult to call myself a widow. It is difficult to breathe sometimes. It is difficult to keep hoping and dreaming when sometimes all you feel is a darkness you've never fully known until you didn't have a choice. It is difficult not to wonder how or why this has happened....and it is difficult to know the answers you seek will not be given in a clear manner in this world.
Sometimes there are just hard days...and there is no way avoiding it. No matter what you do, nothing can ease the ache and void that lies in your heart....and as much as you try to remember all the amazing parts--sometimes those hurt too. No one can ever know entirely how this feels unless you've been here...it just hurts--it's constant and becomes a part of you...sometimes you feel like you're pretty good but it's always there--just in a different way...and, sometimes, you can look outside and the weather looks like how you feel...like there's a blizzard deep down in your heart.
The weather is just plain nasty tonight....and plans to be tomorrow as well. The first big snow storm of the season...probably more of a headache for most people but for me...I remember last year at this time when my wonderful husband was so proud we purchased our snow blower just days before the first big one was to hit.
He woke up earlier than I did for work and always around 430 to dig us out...he bundled up and while he didn't really love the chore of shoveling and digging us out-he did it proudly because he was happy to take care of me and our family...proud to be a good husband. Those moments are so clear in my mind and it brings tears to my eyes as I now have to take on both roles to take care of our family.
Just yesterday, I felt like I had a million things to do and yet I didn't have enough arms and legs to take care of it all....and I got flustered and Chris was always here to ground me. I miss that so much. I'm so mad he isn't here to help me. He always picked up where I left off and I never had to worry about it--I never even thought of it. He always knew my next step...my next thought...my entire self-inside and out.
What do you do when your best attempt always seems to fall short...what then.
It is difficult to not be disappointed that you can't just do it all and take it all in stride. It is difficult to want the one thing you can never have again and yet still be so thankful you had it at all. It is difficult to face each day without Chris. It is difficult to call myself a widow. It is difficult to breathe sometimes. It is difficult to keep hoping and dreaming when sometimes all you feel is a darkness you've never fully known until you didn't have a choice. It is difficult not to wonder how or why this has happened....and it is difficult to know the answers you seek will not be given in a clear manner in this world.
Sometimes there are just hard days...and there is no way avoiding it. No matter what you do, nothing can ease the ache and void that lies in your heart....and as much as you try to remember all the amazing parts--sometimes those hurt too. No one can ever know entirely how this feels unless you've been here...it just hurts--it's constant and becomes a part of you...sometimes you feel like you're pretty good but it's always there--just in a different way...and, sometimes, you can look outside and the weather looks like how you feel...like there's a blizzard deep down in your heart.
.Faith.
12/6/09
There are times, in life, when you have to really evaluate what you're doing and where you're going...and, even more, where you've been. As hard as the last five months have been, there is something to be said for self-discovery. I'm changing every day. Most people who know me can tell I'm a bit different. Mostly because of where I've been but also because of where I hope to go someday.
When something happens where your whole world seems to fall apart, it makes you want to question everything. At some point, though, either you begin to trust completely in what you cannot see or you entertain the idea of turning away from it. Don't get me wrong...both of these options are difficult...for completely different reasons. For me, the only option I could entertain was to learn to trust...even when my heart is broken.
Lately, I've been more willing to open my heart to those really difficult first days...you must take a good look at where you've been to know where you are going. I remember calling my priest over and over until he answered and knowing I needed him...it was completely out of body, but the only thing that mattered to me was him getting there for Chris...and, later, for me. I had been confirmed only 2 months and 13 days prior to Chris' death and, in those moments, all that mattered to me was our faith...and now, my faith is all that gets me through every day.
I pray. A lot. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it...and it's not always asking for things--I talk to God...a lot. Some people would tell you I just talk a lot. ha. There is a comfort and joy that makes that emptiness seem a little less scary...it's called Hope. I live for hope most days.
If anything has happened to me...it's that I believe...with more conviction than ever before. It's that, somewhere in between the hurt and the sadness, strength came from a deep well in my heart where my faith lies...and it holds me up because I never know how it's going to go sometimes. There are hard days...and there are times when there is nothing I can do to avoid them....but those are the days I lean the least--because I'm already being carried.
There are some people who will never understand this feeling...either they don't believe or their faith is
put on the backburner to other "more important" things...but, I can promise you, there may come a day when you will feel like you've got nowhere to turn and maybe it is then that you will entertain two ideas...trusting or turning.
I fully recognize that this is how the experience is for myself...and it won't be the same for everyone....but it has given me something to hope for....something to think about in a future that I thought I had lost just 5 months ago. It won't be the same future I once envisioned and that's ok. Sometimes you have to change to grow. Sometimes all you can do is trust that when you get the edge of all the light you have ever known and are about to step into darkness there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.
There are times, in life, when you have to really evaluate what you're doing and where you're going...and, even more, where you've been. As hard as the last five months have been, there is something to be said for self-discovery. I'm changing every day. Most people who know me can tell I'm a bit different. Mostly because of where I've been but also because of where I hope to go someday.
When something happens where your whole world seems to fall apart, it makes you want to question everything. At some point, though, either you begin to trust completely in what you cannot see or you entertain the idea of turning away from it. Don't get me wrong...both of these options are difficult...for completely different reasons. For me, the only option I could entertain was to learn to trust...even when my heart is broken.
Lately, I've been more willing to open my heart to those really difficult first days...you must take a good look at where you've been to know where you are going. I remember calling my priest over and over until he answered and knowing I needed him...it was completely out of body, but the only thing that mattered to me was him getting there for Chris...and, later, for me. I had been confirmed only 2 months and 13 days prior to Chris' death and, in those moments, all that mattered to me was our faith...and now, my faith is all that gets me through every day.
I pray. A lot. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it...and it's not always asking for things--I talk to God...a lot. Some people would tell you I just talk a lot. ha. There is a comfort and joy that makes that emptiness seem a little less scary...it's called Hope. I live for hope most days.
If anything has happened to me...it's that I believe...with more conviction than ever before. It's that, somewhere in between the hurt and the sadness, strength came from a deep well in my heart where my faith lies...and it holds me up because I never know how it's going to go sometimes. There are hard days...and there are times when there is nothing I can do to avoid them....but those are the days I lean the least--because I'm already being carried.
There are some people who will never understand this feeling...either they don't believe or their faith is
put on the backburner to other "more important" things...but, I can promise you, there may come a day when you will feel like you've got nowhere to turn and maybe it is then that you will entertain two ideas...trusting or turning.
I fully recognize that this is how the experience is for myself...and it won't be the same for everyone....but it has given me something to hope for....something to think about in a future that I thought I had lost just 5 months ago. It won't be the same future I once envisioned and that's ok. Sometimes you have to change to grow. Sometimes all you can do is trust that when you get the edge of all the light you have ever known and are about to step into darkness there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.
.Five Months.
11/24/09
Can it really be five months already? Yes, the calendar certainly is set to the right day so it must be. This time of the year is becoming increasingly harder as the days keep going. Time truly stops for no one and as much as I dread this holiday season, I'm trying my best to take it as it comes because it is, undoubtedly, coming.
You know, there have been some pretty okay days lately...but then when the rough ones come, it seems to hit full force. It's hard to find a balance. I've definitely found myself craving more time with people lately and my dislike for being alone...with the winter here, and everything cold and dreary it is difficult to spend it by myself...but I try. I always try.
The holidays seem impossible, even now, with Thanksgiving only two days away. For the first time in 4 years, I will wake up alone on one of my most favorite holidays. I'm trying to be thankful...for the time I had, for what I still have, and for the great things ahead even though I don't know what they are yet...but, even when I try my hardest, it is hard not to feel empty. The person I shared my joys and reasons to be thankful is not going to be here this year...and there is a piece of the holiday spirit I always had that just feels flat and lifeless.
One day at a time. That's all you can do...is take it slowly and never let yourself get too far ahead--something I'm really working on. There will always need to be some plans...tentative mostly...a game plan of sorts...but I'm trying not to overbook myself too soon and I'm learning it's okay to back away when I need to...even if it means I leave early or I take some time for myself.
There isn't a rulebook for life when something like this happens...it just does...and there are people to help you, people to guide you in a direction, and still, sometimes you just have to do what's right for yourself...even if it means that you make some people upset...those who love you will truly understand...this I have learned, and relied on, whole heartedly.
So, what does this all mean? It means sometimes five months feels like five days and other times like five years...it means I still struggle every day to make the best decisions for myself and for what is left of our life...it means I pray--a lot--and ask for guidance and help along the way....it means that I am doing the best I can with what I've got...it means I still have days where I want to give up--but I still have hope, too...and it means that, as hard as these holidays are--I am still thankful...
*For my family and friends who have given more of themselves to me than ever before and I am so thankful for them
*For a job where my coworkers and boss understand and hold me up when I don't know if I'll make it through the day
*For my furry family who greet me with more love than most people can offer--and always curl up with me after a long, hard day
*For yesterday, 5 months ago, when I spent an evening relaxing with my husband and a kiss goodnight
*For a million yesterdays that were filled with more joy and love than most people have in their entire life, all because he chose me to be his wife.
*For a brief but wonderful marriage....we certainly weren't perfect but we never gave up on each other or us....it has made me thankful for a love that endures
*For knowing now, truly who and what I have...you don't know what you have until it's gone.
*For people I have met through this loss...who go through the same things I do each day and refuse to give up...their strength fills my heart again and I am so thankful
*For the people who came unexpectedly and changed my life.
*For days off
*For our beautiful home that slowly, is beginning to feel like home again
*For our dreams...they give me hope that someday I will again dream big.
*For my faith....I have truly clung to it tightly and God has always answered...while it may not always be what I want, I am trying to accept what I have and know He has a plan for me
*For hope....because, at the end of the day, it's what makes me want to get up tomorrow and try again.
Can it really be five months already? Yes, the calendar certainly is set to the right day so it must be. This time of the year is becoming increasingly harder as the days keep going. Time truly stops for no one and as much as I dread this holiday season, I'm trying my best to take it as it comes because it is, undoubtedly, coming.
You know, there have been some pretty okay days lately...but then when the rough ones come, it seems to hit full force. It's hard to find a balance. I've definitely found myself craving more time with people lately and my dislike for being alone...with the winter here, and everything cold and dreary it is difficult to spend it by myself...but I try. I always try.
The holidays seem impossible, even now, with Thanksgiving only two days away. For the first time in 4 years, I will wake up alone on one of my most favorite holidays. I'm trying to be thankful...for the time I had, for what I still have, and for the great things ahead even though I don't know what they are yet...but, even when I try my hardest, it is hard not to feel empty. The person I shared my joys and reasons to be thankful is not going to be here this year...and there is a piece of the holiday spirit I always had that just feels flat and lifeless.
One day at a time. That's all you can do...is take it slowly and never let yourself get too far ahead--something I'm really working on. There will always need to be some plans...tentative mostly...a game plan of sorts...but I'm trying not to overbook myself too soon and I'm learning it's okay to back away when I need to...even if it means I leave early or I take some time for myself.
There isn't a rulebook for life when something like this happens...it just does...and there are people to help you, people to guide you in a direction, and still, sometimes you just have to do what's right for yourself...even if it means that you make some people upset...those who love you will truly understand...this I have learned, and relied on, whole heartedly.
So, what does this all mean? It means sometimes five months feels like five days and other times like five years...it means I still struggle every day to make the best decisions for myself and for what is left of our life...it means I pray--a lot--and ask for guidance and help along the way....it means that I am doing the best I can with what I've got...it means I still have days where I want to give up--but I still have hope, too...and it means that, as hard as these holidays are--I am still thankful...
*For my family and friends who have given more of themselves to me than ever before and I am so thankful for them
*For a job where my coworkers and boss understand and hold me up when I don't know if I'll make it through the day
*For my furry family who greet me with more love than most people can offer--and always curl up with me after a long, hard day
*For yesterday, 5 months ago, when I spent an evening relaxing with my husband and a kiss goodnight
*For a million yesterdays that were filled with more joy and love than most people have in their entire life, all because he chose me to be his wife.
*For a brief but wonderful marriage....we certainly weren't perfect but we never gave up on each other or us....it has made me thankful for a love that endures
*For knowing now, truly who and what I have...you don't know what you have until it's gone.
*For people I have met through this loss...who go through the same things I do each day and refuse to give up...their strength fills my heart again and I am so thankful
*For the people who came unexpectedly and changed my life.
*For days off
*For our beautiful home that slowly, is beginning to feel like home again
*For our dreams...they give me hope that someday I will again dream big.
*For my faith....I have truly clung to it tightly and God has always answered...while it may not always be what I want, I am trying to accept what I have and know He has a plan for me
*For hope....because, at the end of the day, it's what makes me want to get up tomorrow and try again.
.Invisible Armor.
11/14/09
without knowing it, sometimes my invisible armor comes out in full force. i am fully aware that it is an act of grace when it appears and i am so thankful to have it when my heart feels more vulnerable than it ever has before. we all possess this....i only started truly embracing it and realizing it in the last few weeks.
there are moments when i feel it envelope me...where it would seem i am standing at guard with my own heart because there are just times when i need to. it is unexplainable. it happens a lot at work...while i know my coworkers would understand if i fell apart, somehow i don't...i go to work, my armor goes up...i'm able to talk about many of the things i go through and feel and while i may seem unaffected, it's just my way of getting through the day. it would be quite difficult to fall apart the first half hour and keep going.
it happens around people i don't know....in the grocery store...around people that i don't feel safe with...while i'm driving and one of those songs comes on...and when i feel like i'm going to cry myself to sleep but i just don't have it in me to do that for another night in a row. until now, i never realized how much i use this armor just to get through the day.
but when i'm home...all bets are off...when im with my friends and family, i know i'm safe...i can be myself--sad, happy, angry, confused, sappy, silly, or mellow without judgment and fear.
the beauty is no one sees this knight standing guard and the only one who feels it is me....and we've all been through things in our lives where our invisible armor comes through. sometimes that's the only way people can relate...knowing, at one time or another, we've all needed grace to step in and protect our owne heart while it hurts. you know this. i know this. in fact, all of us know this feeling. you can't ever truly put it into words...you just know it like the back of your hand.
and, certainly, there are okay days, good days even...and this isn't to say i don't feel anything....i surely do every day...and someday, the hard parts surrounding my heart, will soften....when they're ready.
but, until then, i am ever so thankful for what i know will always be there.
without knowing it, sometimes my invisible armor comes out in full force. i am fully aware that it is an act of grace when it appears and i am so thankful to have it when my heart feels more vulnerable than it ever has before. we all possess this....i only started truly embracing it and realizing it in the last few weeks.
there are moments when i feel it envelope me...where it would seem i am standing at guard with my own heart because there are just times when i need to. it is unexplainable. it happens a lot at work...while i know my coworkers would understand if i fell apart, somehow i don't...i go to work, my armor goes up...i'm able to talk about many of the things i go through and feel and while i may seem unaffected, it's just my way of getting through the day. it would be quite difficult to fall apart the first half hour and keep going.
it happens around people i don't know....in the grocery store...around people that i don't feel safe with...while i'm driving and one of those songs comes on...and when i feel like i'm going to cry myself to sleep but i just don't have it in me to do that for another night in a row. until now, i never realized how much i use this armor just to get through the day.
but when i'm home...all bets are off...when im with my friends and family, i know i'm safe...i can be myself--sad, happy, angry, confused, sappy, silly, or mellow without judgment and fear.
the beauty is no one sees this knight standing guard and the only one who feels it is me....and we've all been through things in our lives where our invisible armor comes through. sometimes that's the only way people can relate...knowing, at one time or another, we've all needed grace to step in and protect our owne heart while it hurts. you know this. i know this. in fact, all of us know this feeling. you can't ever truly put it into words...you just know it like the back of your hand.
and, certainly, there are okay days, good days even...and this isn't to say i don't feel anything....i surely do every day...and someday, the hard parts surrounding my heart, will soften....when they're ready.
but, until then, i am ever so thankful for what i know will always be there.
.Crash.
11/9/09
i had to take my wedding set in tonight for them to check it over...the usual six month check up...and as i went to get the paperwork out of chris' sock drawer, i just wanted to curl up inside this drawer of his socks and take in the way he so neatly put them away and folded them just a certain way.
i watched other couples shopping for rings...how i remember the days when that was us. when, excitedly, chris would ask what i liked and then, when it came down to picking the "one" he was so nervous and shy. 3 years ago this month he purchased this set for me....after much looking and what felt like forever of dating. then, when he proposed....i remember the excitement....i remember staring at it over and over and purposely using my left hand so people would ask to see it....because, that's just how i work. and then, i remember, quietly, while picking out a date, when chris told me not to get caught up in it all...that someday, it would be just us, without plans to be made and things to do...and i remember how content i felt in that moment. i miss how content life felt, even when there were parts of our life that were not quite figured out.
and still, it's not one thing i miss....it's so many things. i miss folding his socks regularly...or, rather, watching him fold them because he usually did the laundry. i miss his laugh. i miss his hugs and kisses. i miss his jokes that sometimes weren't all that funny but he tried. i miss his texts just to say hi and tell me he loves me. i miss his heart. i miss the conversations we'd have about important things and nothing. i miss how full of love our home felt. i miss how he'd have all these worries and he'd come to me to unload and we'd talk for hours. i miss how he loved everyone. i miss how he smells. i miss seeing him rotate his favorite brewer shirts. i miss how he'd take care of me. i miss it all.
and yet, there is this huge part of my heart that is so thankful....that our relationship was filled with the most unconditional love. that we have what most people long for...and we had it for 6 years. sure, we fought...but chris was quick to apologize and rarely got angry. he believed in us from the very beginning and he loved me with his whole heart....and i love him just the same.
there is something that happens when you slowly start realizing it's i and not we....it's mine and not ours...and all the while you try to fight this verbage. they're just words but you don't want to have to say them out loud. i remember when these things really hit me. i was at a friend's house when their sweet daughter Taylor, who met me only after losing Chris, saw a picture of Chris and I on my phone and asked me who he was...and i simply said, someone very special who i love very much...and she smiled at me with the biggest smile and somehow, she made it ok for that first moment of i, me, and mine....because she didn't look at me like i was broken-she cared about me just the same...as just me, just mine, just i.
it is still hard, to be just me....still hard to find my place again....and yet, here i am, living...praying each day that God will help me on this journey...and that, when i get there, that content feeling will crash over me like tidal waves the minute i lay eyes again on my wonderful husband.
i had to take my wedding set in tonight for them to check it over...the usual six month check up...and as i went to get the paperwork out of chris' sock drawer, i just wanted to curl up inside this drawer of his socks and take in the way he so neatly put them away and folded them just a certain way.
i watched other couples shopping for rings...how i remember the days when that was us. when, excitedly, chris would ask what i liked and then, when it came down to picking the "one" he was so nervous and shy. 3 years ago this month he purchased this set for me....after much looking and what felt like forever of dating. then, when he proposed....i remember the excitement....i remember staring at it over and over and purposely using my left hand so people would ask to see it....because, that's just how i work. and then, i remember, quietly, while picking out a date, when chris told me not to get caught up in it all...that someday, it would be just us, without plans to be made and things to do...and i remember how content i felt in that moment. i miss how content life felt, even when there were parts of our life that were not quite figured out.
and still, it's not one thing i miss....it's so many things. i miss folding his socks regularly...or, rather, watching him fold them because he usually did the laundry. i miss his laugh. i miss his hugs and kisses. i miss his jokes that sometimes weren't all that funny but he tried. i miss his texts just to say hi and tell me he loves me. i miss his heart. i miss the conversations we'd have about important things and nothing. i miss how full of love our home felt. i miss how he'd have all these worries and he'd come to me to unload and we'd talk for hours. i miss how he loved everyone. i miss how he smells. i miss seeing him rotate his favorite brewer shirts. i miss how he'd take care of me. i miss it all.
and yet, there is this huge part of my heart that is so thankful....that our relationship was filled with the most unconditional love. that we have what most people long for...and we had it for 6 years. sure, we fought...but chris was quick to apologize and rarely got angry. he believed in us from the very beginning and he loved me with his whole heart....and i love him just the same.
there is something that happens when you slowly start realizing it's i and not we....it's mine and not ours...and all the while you try to fight this verbage. they're just words but you don't want to have to say them out loud. i remember when these things really hit me. i was at a friend's house when their sweet daughter Taylor, who met me only after losing Chris, saw a picture of Chris and I on my phone and asked me who he was...and i simply said, someone very special who i love very much...and she smiled at me with the biggest smile and somehow, she made it ok for that first moment of i, me, and mine....because she didn't look at me like i was broken-she cared about me just the same...as just me, just mine, just i.
it is still hard, to be just me....still hard to find my place again....and yet, here i am, living...praying each day that God will help me on this journey...and that, when i get there, that content feeling will crash over me like tidal waves the minute i lay eyes again on my wonderful husband.
.Four Months.
10/24/09
Four months hit me like a ton of bricks rolling out of bed this morning....it's not like I knew it wasn't coming but when I looked at the date on my phone as I checked the time...it became real that it really has been 1/3 of a year without Chris.
The differences between four months and three months aren't all that different....but the realizations are.
I have begun to realize more that he is not just on vacation and the days when it feels like he's just been on vacation are less and less. I think more about things we did together...and I am able to visualize more, how he looked in the morning just before getting out of bed or writing his lists or how excited he would get about things. I can SEE those memories more, I think, because my heart is finally ready to let me take down my wall just a little bit.
Don't get me wrong...there are still bad, rotten, no-good days....they still meet me on the days when I'm least suspecting...and believe me, I've had them a lot this last week for many different reasons...but I've also had easier days where I smile and laugh and feel like I can see some pieces of the Olivia I once knew and the Olivia Chris loved so much. Those days give me hope...and I think they give most of my friends and family hope....even when I'm facing rock bottom on some really awful days.
The hard realization of who is present and there for you no matter what has also become very clear as more time passes. There are people who have held me, carried me, and loved me in the beginning and now and they are gifts from God. There are unexpected people who have consistently checked in and become really great friends....maybe we hadn't talked in a while--but you are here now and that's what matters...because I'm going to continue to need you. Some people have drifted away...they see me smile or laugh and assume that I'm going to be just fine. Truth is, just because I don't have any visible scars or wounds or bleeding doesn't mean I don't hurt every day.
Missing him seems to be elevated with the coming of the holidays....and the realization that many of our traditions will have to be modified and that I will, undoubtedly, have to make some entirely new ones.
I've also been faced with the fact that the pictures I have are all I will ever have...I was at work, moving some around, changing out some of them...when it hit me that I will not be able to change out any of us with "new ones" and maybe I'll just have to look at some of our old ones as new again.
I wrote our Christmas letter and had our Christmas cards printed already....you see, as time passes, you realize it's ok to modify some things for what you know is coming. They sit neatly ready to be mailed when the time is right...because I don't know that I could do it as the holidays come full force...and it's ok to not know...it's ok to walk blindly sometimes because, even when it doesn't feel like it, you never walk alone.
I've realized time can be my best friend and worst enemy. The more time that passes, the more I miss him some days...but also, the more I can see the light at the end of a seemingly dark tunnel.
I've found that the best medicine most days is Maya, my best friends, and a glass of wine. Other days it's the voicemails that Jack has left me that I save to listen to on rough days...when a child, without a care in the world, loves me just because I'm his Aunt O.
I've realized now, more than ever, what courage is. You never knew how much you had until it stopped becoming an option and instead became a necessity. I participated in a 6 week grief session that ended last week....and as I looked around the room I realized what courage and bravery it took to come, every week, and share those feelings and intimate moments that we wouldn't share outside of this safe place. We could be angry, sad, happy, funny...anything we wanted...without judgment and it was usually followed by responses of love and grace.
So...how will I spend today....much the same way I spend the others. Remembering--even when it's hard....loving my wonderful husband--because he chose me.....honoring him--because he changed me....smiling--because he had the most beautiful smile.....crying if it comes--because it helps me to heal....with some amazing friends--because they love me through the ups and downs....and hoping for the rainbow after the storm.
Four months hit me like a ton of bricks rolling out of bed this morning....it's not like I knew it wasn't coming but when I looked at the date on my phone as I checked the time...it became real that it really has been 1/3 of a year without Chris.
The differences between four months and three months aren't all that different....but the realizations are.
I have begun to realize more that he is not just on vacation and the days when it feels like he's just been on vacation are less and less. I think more about things we did together...and I am able to visualize more, how he looked in the morning just before getting out of bed or writing his lists or how excited he would get about things. I can SEE those memories more, I think, because my heart is finally ready to let me take down my wall just a little bit.
Don't get me wrong...there are still bad, rotten, no-good days....they still meet me on the days when I'm least suspecting...and believe me, I've had them a lot this last week for many different reasons...but I've also had easier days where I smile and laugh and feel like I can see some pieces of the Olivia I once knew and the Olivia Chris loved so much. Those days give me hope...and I think they give most of my friends and family hope....even when I'm facing rock bottom on some really awful days.
The hard realization of who is present and there for you no matter what has also become very clear as more time passes. There are people who have held me, carried me, and loved me in the beginning and now and they are gifts from God. There are unexpected people who have consistently checked in and become really great friends....maybe we hadn't talked in a while--but you are here now and that's what matters...because I'm going to continue to need you. Some people have drifted away...they see me smile or laugh and assume that I'm going to be just fine. Truth is, just because I don't have any visible scars or wounds or bleeding doesn't mean I don't hurt every day.
Missing him seems to be elevated with the coming of the holidays....and the realization that many of our traditions will have to be modified and that I will, undoubtedly, have to make some entirely new ones.
I've also been faced with the fact that the pictures I have are all I will ever have...I was at work, moving some around, changing out some of them...when it hit me that I will not be able to change out any of us with "new ones" and maybe I'll just have to look at some of our old ones as new again.
I wrote our Christmas letter and had our Christmas cards printed already....you see, as time passes, you realize it's ok to modify some things for what you know is coming. They sit neatly ready to be mailed when the time is right...because I don't know that I could do it as the holidays come full force...and it's ok to not know...it's ok to walk blindly sometimes because, even when it doesn't feel like it, you never walk alone.
I've realized time can be my best friend and worst enemy. The more time that passes, the more I miss him some days...but also, the more I can see the light at the end of a seemingly dark tunnel.
I've found that the best medicine most days is Maya, my best friends, and a glass of wine. Other days it's the voicemails that Jack has left me that I save to listen to on rough days...when a child, without a care in the world, loves me just because I'm his Aunt O.
I've realized now, more than ever, what courage is. You never knew how much you had until it stopped becoming an option and instead became a necessity. I participated in a 6 week grief session that ended last week....and as I looked around the room I realized what courage and bravery it took to come, every week, and share those feelings and intimate moments that we wouldn't share outside of this safe place. We could be angry, sad, happy, funny...anything we wanted...without judgment and it was usually followed by responses of love and grace.
So...how will I spend today....much the same way I spend the others. Remembering--even when it's hard....loving my wonderful husband--because he chose me.....honoring him--because he changed me....smiling--because he had the most beautiful smile.....crying if it comes--because it helps me to heal....with some amazing friends--because they love me through the ups and downs....and hoping for the rainbow after the storm.
.Losses And Blessings.
10/19/09
You cannot lose what you never had.....Often I have thought I've had things when it was only in my heart that I had them...mostly in friendships. It has taken much loss to fully realize the difference.
In the last few months I have lost a lot....my husband, best friend, confidant, sounding board, partner, and team mate all rolled up into one. When this happens, you truly find out who your friends are. There are people who promised me they'd always be there...they promised me, my family, even my husband, vowing they wouldn't leave me behind and sure enough, it still happened.
So here I am...staring all these losses in the face, to ease my heart from the wonder of if it will change or if you will ever just be there. Most of the time, these answers come with the harsh reality that it's time to really let go....that holding on to what was never really yours will not change anything, it won't bring back what you lost, and, at the end of the day, the people who held true to their promises and have been there deserve what you can give. Those are the people who will be there when you need them and even when you don't...to laugh, to cry, to have serious conversations, to dream with, to vacation with :), and the ones who will push everything aside because you just need them.
Some people did that for a short while but as the days pass, slowly life catches up and you can either balance or you can't....and, as much as you want to, you can't juggle people
And, even in all of this loss that greets me each day, there are some truly amazing people who have managed to keep true to their promises and commitment...to me. I have some amazing sisters who have chosen to hold me up on the days I struggle and believe me, I'm sure this wears on them too...but I couldn't make it through without them. I never had sisters growing up but I don't know what I'd do without them now. My parents have been there so much for me. I don't know how to repay them for all the things they do for me and Maya and Max and Maggie and Milo. At 24, I didn't expect to have to be taken care of again and here they are, without fail, to take care of me and the family that Chris and I created. My coworkers are nothing short of amazing. The support I've gotten from them and their families is unbelievable....I even have an amazing financial advisor who has turned into one heck of a big brother for me....his family has been a breath of fresh air and I adore them with my whole heart.
I have a handful of others who check in every so often to make sure I'm still hanging in there....those moments to catch up are what I cherish. They respond to notes and statuses and always make sure I'm still moving...sometimes that is what keeps me moving
And then, there are those who were there in those awful beginning days....to remind me to keep breathing...and I am forever grateful for them. While they are not as present as they were in those days, my heart will say nothing but thank you for the rest of my life....
Finally, the few who I lost...which makes me realize I never really had them to begin with...if you can't be with me at worst, then you shouldn't be here at my best.
Please don't put yourself into a category...most of you fall into many...and those who read this are likely not who I've lost :)
I believe, with more conviction than most, that what we all need isn't something we buy...it's something we give.....time. Sometimes we have to sacrifice to do so...life can be so busy....but it's the most rewarding gift of all....for both sides....
You cannot lose what you never had.....Often I have thought I've had things when it was only in my heart that I had them...mostly in friendships. It has taken much loss to fully realize the difference.
In the last few months I have lost a lot....my husband, best friend, confidant, sounding board, partner, and team mate all rolled up into one. When this happens, you truly find out who your friends are. There are people who promised me they'd always be there...they promised me, my family, even my husband, vowing they wouldn't leave me behind and sure enough, it still happened.
So here I am...staring all these losses in the face, to ease my heart from the wonder of if it will change or if you will ever just be there. Most of the time, these answers come with the harsh reality that it's time to really let go....that holding on to what was never really yours will not change anything, it won't bring back what you lost, and, at the end of the day, the people who held true to their promises and have been there deserve what you can give. Those are the people who will be there when you need them and even when you don't...to laugh, to cry, to have serious conversations, to dream with, to vacation with :), and the ones who will push everything aside because you just need them.
Some people did that for a short while but as the days pass, slowly life catches up and you can either balance or you can't....and, as much as you want to, you can't juggle people
And, even in all of this loss that greets me each day, there are some truly amazing people who have managed to keep true to their promises and commitment...to me. I have some amazing sisters who have chosen to hold me up on the days I struggle and believe me, I'm sure this wears on them too...but I couldn't make it through without them. I never had sisters growing up but I don't know what I'd do without them now. My parents have been there so much for me. I don't know how to repay them for all the things they do for me and Maya and Max and Maggie and Milo. At 24, I didn't expect to have to be taken care of again and here they are, without fail, to take care of me and the family that Chris and I created. My coworkers are nothing short of amazing. The support I've gotten from them and their families is unbelievable....I even have an amazing financial advisor who has turned into one heck of a big brother for me....his family has been a breath of fresh air and I adore them with my whole heart.
I have a handful of others who check in every so often to make sure I'm still hanging in there....those moments to catch up are what I cherish. They respond to notes and statuses and always make sure I'm still moving...sometimes that is what keeps me moving
And then, there are those who were there in those awful beginning days....to remind me to keep breathing...and I am forever grateful for them. While they are not as present as they were in those days, my heart will say nothing but thank you for the rest of my life....
Finally, the few who I lost...which makes me realize I never really had them to begin with...if you can't be with me at worst, then you shouldn't be here at my best.
Please don't put yourself into a category...most of you fall into many...and those who read this are likely not who I've lost :)
I believe, with more conviction than most, that what we all need isn't something we buy...it's something we give.....time. Sometimes we have to sacrifice to do so...life can be so busy....but it's the most rewarding gift of all....for both sides....
.My Favorite Thing.
10/16/09
Some people never celebrate Sweetest Day or Valentine's Day or any of those other "Hallmark Holidays" but not me...and not us. Chris celebrated these days....and tomorrow will be my first without him... sometimes I just need to write what I feel.
I hear parents all the time saying, " you can't have that because you were naughty or sassy or you didn't listen" usually followed by the child saying, "BUT IT'S MY FAVORITE THING!!!! YOU JUST CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY" and sometimes the parent gives in and sometimes they still take it away but it's usually not gone forever.....and right now, I'm having a hard time accepting I just can't have MY FAVORITE THING....forever. In my heart, I know I'm not being punished....I'm not the only one who lost him....but it is difficult to accept that when I face an empty bed at night.
Just about this time of night we'd say to each other..."Happy Early Sweetest Day" we'd do that for every holiday and we'd try to beat each other when we woke up to see who'd say it first. ha. Chris was so thoughtful...he remembered most of the things he always feared he'd forget....for the first year of our relationship, I got a card on every "anniversary" date...and randomly they'd show up on my pillow or in my purse throughout our entire relationship. How he'd worry if I spent more on him than he spent on me or when he thought I'd really love something--the anticipation in his eyes as I opened it...while he worried he might have let it slip out and usually, I always had a hint but never knew until the moment I opened it. He tried so hard to pick out something thoughtful...that I'd use...and he'd still get nervous to give me something--hoping I'd love it.
These are the things I try to remember when sadness stares me in the face and the longing sets in.....that not everyone got those cards or those hand picked gifts...no one else had my wonderful husband. While that eases the pain for a little while...my mind often drifts...and as much as I try to remember these wonderful things...I also know that this will not be my last "first holiday without him" Chris was so good at living in the moment...something I try to do, often...and I'm still learning.
There is no doubt that I will still have my sweetheart tomorrow....I just wish so much I could hold him...hear him talk back...hold his hand...and see his heart in his smile.
I just miss him. Every day. Today a bit more than yesterday...and still less than tomorrow.
I love you Chris...from here to the moon.
Some people never celebrate Sweetest Day or Valentine's Day or any of those other "Hallmark Holidays" but not me...and not us. Chris celebrated these days....and tomorrow will be my first without him... sometimes I just need to write what I feel.
I hear parents all the time saying, " you can't have that because you were naughty or sassy or you didn't listen" usually followed by the child saying, "BUT IT'S MY FAVORITE THING!!!! YOU JUST CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY" and sometimes the parent gives in and sometimes they still take it away but it's usually not gone forever.....and right now, I'm having a hard time accepting I just can't have MY FAVORITE THING....forever. In my heart, I know I'm not being punished....I'm not the only one who lost him....but it is difficult to accept that when I face an empty bed at night.
Just about this time of night we'd say to each other..."Happy Early Sweetest Day" we'd do that for every holiday and we'd try to beat each other when we woke up to see who'd say it first. ha. Chris was so thoughtful...he remembered most of the things he always feared he'd forget....for the first year of our relationship, I got a card on every "anniversary" date...and randomly they'd show up on my pillow or in my purse throughout our entire relationship. How he'd worry if I spent more on him than he spent on me or when he thought I'd really love something--the anticipation in his eyes as I opened it...while he worried he might have let it slip out and usually, I always had a hint but never knew until the moment I opened it. He tried so hard to pick out something thoughtful...that I'd use...and he'd still get nervous to give me something--hoping I'd love it.
These are the things I try to remember when sadness stares me in the face and the longing sets in.....that not everyone got those cards or those hand picked gifts...no one else had my wonderful husband. While that eases the pain for a little while...my mind often drifts...and as much as I try to remember these wonderful things...I also know that this will not be my last "first holiday without him" Chris was so good at living in the moment...something I try to do, often...and I'm still learning.
There is no doubt that I will still have my sweetheart tomorrow....I just wish so much I could hold him...hear him talk back...hold his hand...and see his heart in his smile.
I just miss him. Every day. Today a bit more than yesterday...and still less than tomorrow.
I love you Chris...from here to the moon.
.What I Know For Sure.
10/8/09
We all have moments where what we want we cannot have. I was there Tuesday. A woman ran the red light--I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. You know that saying--when it rains it pours...well, I think my storm added some hail at that moment.
I know I got out of my car and in the middle of shaking, dialed 911...and after I hung up, I remember scrolling through my phone and finding Chris and realizing he wouldn't be there to pick up this time. The other driver called her husband...he was there in minutes--I envied her in that moment. Here I was, fighting for myself and she had him there to help her through it. Here I am...fighting every day and the one thing I want, I just can't have.
You know those moments where everyone is around you but you still feel alone and empty....this isn't something just I know--we all have that feeling at some point or another. Yet, there I was, just trying to distract myself long enough to think that this could have been much worse. Hard part is that when you are at your lowest, it feels like getting sucker punched again....and everything you thought you had done to put the pieces back together suddenly feel sad and pathetic....and, again, you have to bravely face your own sadness and fears long enough to get your head above water and choose to just keep swimming.
And, in all of that....there is this light inside of yourself that reminds you of what you know for sure:
*There are unexpected people who come when you need them the most...and they stay
*There are those who have always been there who hold you when you cry...take care of you...make you laugh...and try to remind you that they still need you just as much as you need them
*There are hard days and there are harder days...but someday, out of the blue, there will be a day when you truly believe you will not be sad forever.
*That sometimes you just have to trust in what you cannot see.....and it's called taking a leap of faith....only the brave jump.
*That you never know how strong you are until the choice is no longer yours to make
*That you will cry and you will laugh and you will smile and you will frown.
*Dreams are not interchangable....sometimes you have to make new ones, even when you don't want to.
*Maybe, when you least expect it, your heart grows....and makes room for self-discovery and creates a soft spot.....for hope to nourish you when you're unsure of where the pieces go.
*And most of all, love is endless....it doesn't just go away.....but it is the very thing that will heal this broken heart...
We all have moments where what we want we cannot have. I was there Tuesday. A woman ran the red light--I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. You know that saying--when it rains it pours...well, I think my storm added some hail at that moment.
I know I got out of my car and in the middle of shaking, dialed 911...and after I hung up, I remember scrolling through my phone and finding Chris and realizing he wouldn't be there to pick up this time. The other driver called her husband...he was there in minutes--I envied her in that moment. Here I was, fighting for myself and she had him there to help her through it. Here I am...fighting every day and the one thing I want, I just can't have.
You know those moments where everyone is around you but you still feel alone and empty....this isn't something just I know--we all have that feeling at some point or another. Yet, there I was, just trying to distract myself long enough to think that this could have been much worse. Hard part is that when you are at your lowest, it feels like getting sucker punched again....and everything you thought you had done to put the pieces back together suddenly feel sad and pathetic....and, again, you have to bravely face your own sadness and fears long enough to get your head above water and choose to just keep swimming.
And, in all of that....there is this light inside of yourself that reminds you of what you know for sure:
*There are unexpected people who come when you need them the most...and they stay
*There are those who have always been there who hold you when you cry...take care of you...make you laugh...and try to remind you that they still need you just as much as you need them
*There are hard days and there are harder days...but someday, out of the blue, there will be a day when you truly believe you will not be sad forever.
*That sometimes you just have to trust in what you cannot see.....and it's called taking a leap of faith....only the brave jump.
*That you never know how strong you are until the choice is no longer yours to make
*That you will cry and you will laugh and you will smile and you will frown.
*Dreams are not interchangable....sometimes you have to make new ones, even when you don't want to.
*Maybe, when you least expect it, your heart grows....and makes room for self-discovery and creates a soft spot.....for hope to nourish you when you're unsure of where the pieces go.
*And most of all, love is endless....it doesn't just go away.....but it is the very thing that will heal this broken heart...
.Putting It All Out There.
10/6/09
People tell me I'm strong all the time...sometimes I just want to be weak. Sometimes I just want to hibernate for a few days and shut out the world. Sometimes I don't want to be the strong one.
People tell me I'm normal. All the while I feel crazy. My head is full of thoughts and what ifs...clouded with memories--some so vivid and others hard to make sense of.
People offer sympathy and condolences. Selfishly, sometimes I just wish they wouldn't say anything. I know this is how others feel they can help....I know this all in my head but my heart is hurting. I'm sorry is sufficient. It is difficult to console the inconsolable.
People tell me to take time for myself--do something for myself. Well, most of the things I'm used to doing are "together" things...so now I'm searching of something for just me. It seems I search a lot lately. For acceptance and for myself.
People tell me that in 5 years this point in my life will just be a low one. While I know they mean well, I'm not there yet. It is difficult for me to imagine 5 minutes from now...much less 5 years. Right now, this is what I know and while this is not my favorite moment, it's where I'm at. All I know is that in 5 years, Chris won't be here and that's quite difficult to accept.
People have opinions...and they don't mind sharing them. I am one of those people too. ugh. I need to work on that. Truth is, I don't need everyone telling me what they think I should do with my house or my car or my money or our things or where I should live or where I should stay or how I should look or how I should celebrate the holidays or how I can keep his memory alive. You see, these are things I need to do in my own way on my own time. I'm not selling my house because it snows in the winter and it would be too much for just me....I'm not getting rid of his car or mine because they're both functional and there is no need...I'm not spending money foolishly-I'm taking care of things we both wanted to do....I'm not going to pack his things away tomorrow or the next day-these things take time and if you don't want to come to my house and see our life then don't come but I will never ever stop being his wife so please stop asking when I'm going to take down our pictures and pack away his clothes and what I'll do with all his Brewers collectibles and please, don't ask when I'll stop wearing my wedding ring....I'm not leaving Manitowoc for a while--will it ever happen? who knows, but for now, I need to be here....I will do what I need to do to celebrate the holidays this year--I'm not quite sure how it will be but please, let me just get through this year, please....Believe me, I honor Chris' memory every day and just because it may not be broadcasted doesn't mean that his memory won't live on....I will make sure of it...no one will ever ever forget him--so trust me, I will honor him forever
It is easy, from the outside looking in, to judge or offer opinions and ideas on how to get through this but if you haven't been here, you'll never know. It's not like Halloween where you can put on a costume and pretend to be someone else. Forgive me for sounding harsh...it's just not easy for any of us and the best thing you can do is just be here. Listen. Let me cry if I need to. Hug me. Call me just because. Text me if you're thinking of me. These simple things are what make my days a little brighter
It is hard to start over. Every single day is hard. I'm trying....every day....to smile, to laugh, to keep on living instead of just moving. It may not be this way forever...but, for right now, I'm still grieving......but the beauty in the pain is that there is always hope......hope for the rainbow after the very long storm.
People tell me I'm strong all the time...sometimes I just want to be weak. Sometimes I just want to hibernate for a few days and shut out the world. Sometimes I don't want to be the strong one.
People tell me I'm normal. All the while I feel crazy. My head is full of thoughts and what ifs...clouded with memories--some so vivid and others hard to make sense of.
People offer sympathy and condolences. Selfishly, sometimes I just wish they wouldn't say anything. I know this is how others feel they can help....I know this all in my head but my heart is hurting. I'm sorry is sufficient. It is difficult to console the inconsolable.
People tell me to take time for myself--do something for myself. Well, most of the things I'm used to doing are "together" things...so now I'm searching of something for just me. It seems I search a lot lately. For acceptance and for myself.
People tell me that in 5 years this point in my life will just be a low one. While I know they mean well, I'm not there yet. It is difficult for me to imagine 5 minutes from now...much less 5 years. Right now, this is what I know and while this is not my favorite moment, it's where I'm at. All I know is that in 5 years, Chris won't be here and that's quite difficult to accept.
People have opinions...and they don't mind sharing them. I am one of those people too. ugh. I need to work on that. Truth is, I don't need everyone telling me what they think I should do with my house or my car or my money or our things or where I should live or where I should stay or how I should look or how I should celebrate the holidays or how I can keep his memory alive. You see, these are things I need to do in my own way on my own time. I'm not selling my house because it snows in the winter and it would be too much for just me....I'm not getting rid of his car or mine because they're both functional and there is no need...I'm not spending money foolishly-I'm taking care of things we both wanted to do....I'm not going to pack his things away tomorrow or the next day-these things take time and if you don't want to come to my house and see our life then don't come but I will never ever stop being his wife so please stop asking when I'm going to take down our pictures and pack away his clothes and what I'll do with all his Brewers collectibles and please, don't ask when I'll stop wearing my wedding ring....I'm not leaving Manitowoc for a while--will it ever happen? who knows, but for now, I need to be here....I will do what I need to do to celebrate the holidays this year--I'm not quite sure how it will be but please, let me just get through this year, please....Believe me, I honor Chris' memory every day and just because it may not be broadcasted doesn't mean that his memory won't live on....I will make sure of it...no one will ever ever forget him--so trust me, I will honor him forever
It is easy, from the outside looking in, to judge or offer opinions and ideas on how to get through this but if you haven't been here, you'll never know. It's not like Halloween where you can put on a costume and pretend to be someone else. Forgive me for sounding harsh...it's just not easy for any of us and the best thing you can do is just be here. Listen. Let me cry if I need to. Hug me. Call me just because. Text me if you're thinking of me. These simple things are what make my days a little brighter
It is hard to start over. Every single day is hard. I'm trying....every day....to smile, to laugh, to keep on living instead of just moving. It may not be this way forever...but, for right now, I'm still grieving......but the beauty in the pain is that there is always hope......hope for the rainbow after the very long storm.
.Catching My Breath.
9/26/09
Anything triggers it. Right now....a song....one I surely wasn't expecting. The feelings I thought I could escape for a moment or a minute or an hour are suddenly right back here....wanting to cry but still trying to catch my breath.
Forgive me for this...but there are days when I wish you could know this pain for just a moment...a fleeting memory...so you could know, just for a second, how deep this well goes so I wouldn't feel so crazy when I try to explain the sudden change of emotions.
And, just before catching your breath, so many things flash in your mind-good and bad---memories you love and days you wish you could forget... All while people are telling you it's ok and it's normal to feel this way...except that, inside, you want to fight this 'crazy' part of yourself that is, often, unrecognizable.
Then, you catch your breath....and you cry. Sometimes it's sobbing. Other times you can laugh while you cry. Most of the time it's a steady, heart felt cry...you feel your face turning red, you cry out for answers, and you never know precisely when it will stop. You apologize for crying when people are around...like it will make it a bit less awkward when, in the middle of the grocery store or Christmas section, people are staring....and when you try to speak a sentence, it's often broken by the sound of you catching your breath in betwen sobs. Even worse, when the people who know you look at you, helpless, wanting to take your hurt away and all you can do is cry harder because even you don't know what could make it better in that moment....and usually, you always know just what to do.
Finally, when it's over, and the tears have stopped, sometimes you smile...sometimes you're angry...you often ponder if it will ever get easier...and sometimes you wonder why THAT "thing" that you've known so well or heard a million times seemingly sucker punched you....but, for me, mostly I think about hope...that the light at the end of the tunnel will someday be closer.....
....Just to get me through until the next time I lose my breath
Anything triggers it. Right now....a song....one I surely wasn't expecting. The feelings I thought I could escape for a moment or a minute or an hour are suddenly right back here....wanting to cry but still trying to catch my breath.
Forgive me for this...but there are days when I wish you could know this pain for just a moment...a fleeting memory...so you could know, just for a second, how deep this well goes so I wouldn't feel so crazy when I try to explain the sudden change of emotions.
And, just before catching your breath, so many things flash in your mind-good and bad---memories you love and days you wish you could forget... All while people are telling you it's ok and it's normal to feel this way...except that, inside, you want to fight this 'crazy' part of yourself that is, often, unrecognizable.
Then, you catch your breath....and you cry. Sometimes it's sobbing. Other times you can laugh while you cry. Most of the time it's a steady, heart felt cry...you feel your face turning red, you cry out for answers, and you never know precisely when it will stop. You apologize for crying when people are around...like it will make it a bit less awkward when, in the middle of the grocery store or Christmas section, people are staring....and when you try to speak a sentence, it's often broken by the sound of you catching your breath in betwen sobs. Even worse, when the people who know you look at you, helpless, wanting to take your hurt away and all you can do is cry harder because even you don't know what could make it better in that moment....and usually, you always know just what to do.
Finally, when it's over, and the tears have stopped, sometimes you smile...sometimes you're angry...you often ponder if it will ever get easier...and sometimes you wonder why THAT "thing" that you've known so well or heard a million times seemingly sucker punched you....but, for me, mostly I think about hope...that the light at the end of the tunnel will someday be closer.....
....Just to get me through until the next time I lose my breath
.Three Months.
9/24/09
There is an art, I believe, in learning to let go. In consciously, deeply, and fully, letting go. I fear I am not very good at this...that, often, I hold on too long and, along the way...end up hurting myself more than it's worth.
Losing Chris has forced me to figure myself out all over again. Forced me to look at the burdens I've carried for far too long and then, again, to wonder why I just haven't let go. Chris was never angry for long and taught me much about kindness, patience, and love. I'd often go to him with big problems, small problems, anything in between, and we'd stay awake talking about everything...sometimes until the very early morning. I hate that he is no longer here to be my sounding board and to give me the best advice...to ground me. I remember a lot of what he'd say and, at times, I still feel his embrace. I just wish I would have him here where I could see him and hear him and not feel like he's so very far away.
I fully recognize Chris was not this person for just me....that he has family and friends who also need him and wish he was here. I try so hard to balance how I feel with what the people in our life are also dealing with and sometimes it feels like I do a terrible job. I wonder if I say the right things or if what I say sounds selfish. I pray every day for the courage to think about how things impact others before I jump to conclusions. I wish I could say I was always highly successful at this....but I'm still learning.
I think, every day, about the things we did and our friends and our family and all of the things we did with them. I miss those moments. I miss being Chris and Olivia instead of just Olivia. I keep taking baby steps at moving forward with honoring his memory and still just moving forward...even if it is only an inch at a time.
I struggle every day with knowing I didn't have a choice....and that this emptiness haunts me every minute of every day. No matter how hard I try, it always creeps back in and there is no way to escape the very loneliness that greets me with an empty half of the bed...and clothes that sit unworn...and shoes that remain right where he left them...things untouched for now--until I can find the strength to move them.
I miss him. I'm still so in love with him...and I wonder how that can ever change...how do you ever put those feelings away or how do you fall out. How do you make room in your heart for just yourself...without your half. I wish I had the answers...to ease the hurt....even if only for a moment.
There is an art, I believe, in learning to let go. In consciously, deeply, and fully, letting go. I fear I am not very good at this...that, often, I hold on too long and, along the way...end up hurting myself more than it's worth.
Losing Chris has forced me to figure myself out all over again. Forced me to look at the burdens I've carried for far too long and then, again, to wonder why I just haven't let go. Chris was never angry for long and taught me much about kindness, patience, and love. I'd often go to him with big problems, small problems, anything in between, and we'd stay awake talking about everything...sometimes until the very early morning. I hate that he is no longer here to be my sounding board and to give me the best advice...to ground me. I remember a lot of what he'd say and, at times, I still feel his embrace. I just wish I would have him here where I could see him and hear him and not feel like he's so very far away.
I fully recognize Chris was not this person for just me....that he has family and friends who also need him and wish he was here. I try so hard to balance how I feel with what the people in our life are also dealing with and sometimes it feels like I do a terrible job. I wonder if I say the right things or if what I say sounds selfish. I pray every day for the courage to think about how things impact others before I jump to conclusions. I wish I could say I was always highly successful at this....but I'm still learning.
I think, every day, about the things we did and our friends and our family and all of the things we did with them. I miss those moments. I miss being Chris and Olivia instead of just Olivia. I keep taking baby steps at moving forward with honoring his memory and still just moving forward...even if it is only an inch at a time.
I struggle every day with knowing I didn't have a choice....and that this emptiness haunts me every minute of every day. No matter how hard I try, it always creeps back in and there is no way to escape the very loneliness that greets me with an empty half of the bed...and clothes that sit unworn...and shoes that remain right where he left them...things untouched for now--until I can find the strength to move them.
I miss him. I'm still so in love with him...and I wonder how that can ever change...how do you ever put those feelings away or how do you fall out. How do you make room in your heart for just yourself...without your half. I wish I had the answers...to ease the hurt....even if only for a moment.
.Thoughts.
9/16/09
There is an art, I believe, in learning to let go. In consciously, deeply, and fully, letting go. I fear I am not very good at this...that, often, I hold on too long and, along the way...end up hurting myself more than it's worth.
Losing Chris has forced me to figure myself out all over again. Forced me to look at the burdens I've carried for far too long and then, again, to wonder why I just haven't let go. Chris was never angry for long and taught me much about kindness, patience, and love. I'd often go to him with big problems, small problems, anything in between, and we'd stay awake talking about everything...sometimes until the very early morning. I hate that he is no longer here to be my sounding board and to give me the best advice...to ground me. I remember a lot of what he'd say and, at times, I still feel his embrace. I just wish I would have him here where I could see him and hear him and not feel like he's so very far away.
I fully recognize Chris was not this person for just me....that he has family and friends who also need him and wish he was here. I try so hard to balance how I feel with what the people in our life are also dealing with and sometimes it feels like I do a terrible job. I wonder if I say the right things or if what I say sounds selfish. I pray every day for the courage to think about how things impact others before I jump to conclusions. I wish I could say I was always highly successful at this....but I'm still learning.
I think, every day, about the things we did and our friends and our family and all of the things we did with them. I miss those moments. I miss being Chris and Olivia instead of just Olivia. I keep taking baby steps at moving forward with honoring his memory and still just moving forward...even if it is only an inch at a time.
I struggle every day with knowing I didn't have a choice....and that this emptiness haunts me every minute of every day. No matter how hard I try, it always creeps back in and there is no way to escape the very loneliness that greets me with an empty half of the bed...and clothes that sit unworn...and shoes that remain right where he left them...things untouched for now--until I can find the strength to move them.
I miss him. I'm still so in love with him...and I wonder how that can ever change...how do you ever put those feelings away or how do you fall out. How do you make room in your heart for just yourself...without your half. I wish I had the answers...to ease the hurt....even if only for a moment.
There is an art, I believe, in learning to let go. In consciously, deeply, and fully, letting go. I fear I am not very good at this...that, often, I hold on too long and, along the way...end up hurting myself more than it's worth.
Losing Chris has forced me to figure myself out all over again. Forced me to look at the burdens I've carried for far too long and then, again, to wonder why I just haven't let go. Chris was never angry for long and taught me much about kindness, patience, and love. I'd often go to him with big problems, small problems, anything in between, and we'd stay awake talking about everything...sometimes until the very early morning. I hate that he is no longer here to be my sounding board and to give me the best advice...to ground me. I remember a lot of what he'd say and, at times, I still feel his embrace. I just wish I would have him here where I could see him and hear him and not feel like he's so very far away.
I fully recognize Chris was not this person for just me....that he has family and friends who also need him and wish he was here. I try so hard to balance how I feel with what the people in our life are also dealing with and sometimes it feels like I do a terrible job. I wonder if I say the right things or if what I say sounds selfish. I pray every day for the courage to think about how things impact others before I jump to conclusions. I wish I could say I was always highly successful at this....but I'm still learning.
I think, every day, about the things we did and our friends and our family and all of the things we did with them. I miss those moments. I miss being Chris and Olivia instead of just Olivia. I keep taking baby steps at moving forward with honoring his memory and still just moving forward...even if it is only an inch at a time.
I struggle every day with knowing I didn't have a choice....and that this emptiness haunts me every minute of every day. No matter how hard I try, it always creeps back in and there is no way to escape the very loneliness that greets me with an empty half of the bed...and clothes that sit unworn...and shoes that remain right where he left them...things untouched for now--until I can find the strength to move them.
I miss him. I'm still so in love with him...and I wonder how that can ever change...how do you ever put those feelings away or how do you fall out. How do you make room in your heart for just yourself...without your half. I wish I had the answers...to ease the hurt....even if only for a moment.
.Breathing.
9/11/09
Time is both my best friend and worst enemy....it is what helps me remember...but, if i have too much time I think too much and, if I don't have enough time, I become exhausted and burnt out. Being away has helped me to regroup in a sense but also brought me a lot of feelings I wasn't expecting.
It is so strange to me to be traveling without Chris. We did so much together and rarely, if ever, went somewhere without the other. The hardest part is to figure out how to unravel yourself from your former self....if that is at all possible. There is this bond and connection that tangles itself in your heart in the best way possible--so tangled that you couldn't even begin to figure out how to seperate it so you don't even try...and here I am, with no choice but to figure it out. To untangle the strings that I never ever wanted to come loose. As much as I double knotted them, God had another plan and I pray every day he would leave me some clue to let me know I'm on the right track and that Chris is still holding my hand along this journey.
While I don't have our belongings in front of me every day, I still have an empty half of the bed...I still fall asleep alone....and wake up alone...I still think of things I want to call him about and instead have to just pray that he hears me when I unload all of the things I am feeling....I still need him every day....I still cry every day....I still sit back and imagine what my first holidays without him will be like-they are coming quickly....I still think that he's on a long vacation and will come home soon-only to be reminded that it's all in my head and I can't keep on hanging on to that hope.....I still have terrible dreams--ones where he came back--and they're awful because they aren't real. And, in all of this, I still have laughter....and some sort of joy each day....I still remember some of the crazy things he did....all the ways he made me laugh...I rediscover every day parts of myself that Chris loved and that I will hold on to because I loved them too....I also find pieces of me that I want to change and let go of...and, at the center of it all, I have hope.
I'm sure angry though...all the hope in the world won't take that away-at least not right now. I'm mad that I'm alone and that I'm even on this journey at all. Believe me, I'd rather be the poorest person in the world and with my best friend than in this place. I'm mad at the people who abandoned me when I needed them the most and I'm mad that I can't figure out which way to go most of the time.
Mostly, though, I'm still sad....but not fragile. You cannot break me by seeing me or talking to me about Chris or about our life...I may cry but that's normal--I miss him. My heart is broken but I'm not the only one in this world with a broken heart. I hate the looks of pity. I want to remember him....I want all of you to remember him. I still want to be that friend that you call for advice and need. I still want you to tell me about your problems--even if they seem small in comparison. I want you know I will not fall apart if you touch me or if you remember him with me. I want you to see that I'm still breathing...still living...still feeling...still loving...and still graciously living out the love that Chris gave me every day.
God gave me this journey because He knows I can handle it....please trust in that...and trust that, while it is so very hard, I am still me-somewhere-and I'm still going to give you everything I can. I still need you to need me as your friend and your family and that will never change.
At the end of the day, I just want you to remember Chris...and us....and know that someday I'm going to smile with my whole heart again....
Time is both my best friend and worst enemy....it is what helps me remember...but, if i have too much time I think too much and, if I don't have enough time, I become exhausted and burnt out. Being away has helped me to regroup in a sense but also brought me a lot of feelings I wasn't expecting.
It is so strange to me to be traveling without Chris. We did so much together and rarely, if ever, went somewhere without the other. The hardest part is to figure out how to unravel yourself from your former self....if that is at all possible. There is this bond and connection that tangles itself in your heart in the best way possible--so tangled that you couldn't even begin to figure out how to seperate it so you don't even try...and here I am, with no choice but to figure it out. To untangle the strings that I never ever wanted to come loose. As much as I double knotted them, God had another plan and I pray every day he would leave me some clue to let me know I'm on the right track and that Chris is still holding my hand along this journey.
While I don't have our belongings in front of me every day, I still have an empty half of the bed...I still fall asleep alone....and wake up alone...I still think of things I want to call him about and instead have to just pray that he hears me when I unload all of the things I am feeling....I still need him every day....I still cry every day....I still sit back and imagine what my first holidays without him will be like-they are coming quickly....I still think that he's on a long vacation and will come home soon-only to be reminded that it's all in my head and I can't keep on hanging on to that hope.....I still have terrible dreams--ones where he came back--and they're awful because they aren't real. And, in all of this, I still have laughter....and some sort of joy each day....I still remember some of the crazy things he did....all the ways he made me laugh...I rediscover every day parts of myself that Chris loved and that I will hold on to because I loved them too....I also find pieces of me that I want to change and let go of...and, at the center of it all, I have hope.
I'm sure angry though...all the hope in the world won't take that away-at least not right now. I'm mad that I'm alone and that I'm even on this journey at all. Believe me, I'd rather be the poorest person in the world and with my best friend than in this place. I'm mad at the people who abandoned me when I needed them the most and I'm mad that I can't figure out which way to go most of the time.
Mostly, though, I'm still sad....but not fragile. You cannot break me by seeing me or talking to me about Chris or about our life...I may cry but that's normal--I miss him. My heart is broken but I'm not the only one in this world with a broken heart. I hate the looks of pity. I want to remember him....I want all of you to remember him. I still want to be that friend that you call for advice and need. I still want you to tell me about your problems--even if they seem small in comparison. I want you know I will not fall apart if you touch me or if you remember him with me. I want you to see that I'm still breathing...still living...still feeling...still loving...and still graciously living out the love that Chris gave me every day.
God gave me this journey because He knows I can handle it....please trust in that...and trust that, while it is so very hard, I am still me-somewhere-and I'm still going to give you everything I can. I still need you to need me as your friend and your family and that will never change.
At the end of the day, I just want you to remember Chris...and us....and know that someday I'm going to smile with my whole heart again....
.Sleepless Nights.
8/31/09
There comes a point for all of us when we feel like we can't take much more. For me, I'm there. Drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally...desperately clinging to anything I might have left inside of me that remotely reminds me of my SELF...the one I lost when half my heart went to Heaven.
I lie awake wondering why....and how. How did God choose my best friend...and me--to carry this load and hurt. And, what on earth am I supposed to do now. Everyone says it's ok to not know but I was always one who could figure it out....figure out a plan, whether back up or otherwise...to get me through to the other side. Now, I'm only grasping for straws and plans that I can't ever set in concrete because I don't know how I'll feel one minute to the next.
I know I can't go back but I don't want to start over. I am in this limbo...between what I can't have any longer and what I know will inevitably happen someday--that I'll find myself moving....on with my job...with my life...with my goals, some of them being our own desires....and yet, I both welcome and dread the day when I look back and realize I somehow made the choice to turn the corner and put the sadness and sorrow in a box that I come back and visit every so often....but that I now choose to smile and hold close our memories and love.
I will carry this love with me everywhere...there is no way I couldn't. Good love changes you--it makes you a better person....it shapes your own dreams, passions, desires, and-at the very core-your self. Good love doesn't judge you...doesn't set limitations or expectations....it accepts and loves you unconditionally...
But I'm not there yet. I'm still so very sad...and angry...and hurt...and even jealous....jealous that You get to spend my forever with Chris. I know this is selfish and I also know You understand these feelings...that You are big and can handle these feelings I so often throw at you...and I pray You hold me in your hands until I'm ready to let go of this anger and hurt and jealousy...until I can be sure that leaving those hands is safe...
These thoughts are scattered, I know. It is difficult for me to make anything flow lately. I lie awake at night contemplating, considering, and trying to stop my brain from thinking...but it just doesn't work. I miss my husband....my best friend and confidant...and I miss my life--the one I once knew like the back of my hand...the one I didn't know I was going to have to lose until it wasn't my choice anymore. By the way, I hate that. I hate that I didn't have a say and that I can't find the decisive piece of myself who didn't second guess everything from what socks to put on to what interest rate to refinance my house at.
And here I am....at bottom...clawing my way up this steep, slippery, dark and scary hill....wondering when I'll get back to the top. Holding out hope and taking a giant leap of faith that I'll be ok...that God doesn't give you more than you can take. Digging deep and holding on for dear life...that, in the midst of all of it, when I don't have any fight left in me....those who love me will throw me a life preserver and pull me in, hold me a while, and set me back up this hill with more strength than I had before....
There comes a point for all of us when we feel like we can't take much more. For me, I'm there. Drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally...desperately clinging to anything I might have left inside of me that remotely reminds me of my SELF...the one I lost when half my heart went to Heaven.
I lie awake wondering why....and how. How did God choose my best friend...and me--to carry this load and hurt. And, what on earth am I supposed to do now. Everyone says it's ok to not know but I was always one who could figure it out....figure out a plan, whether back up or otherwise...to get me through to the other side. Now, I'm only grasping for straws and plans that I can't ever set in concrete because I don't know how I'll feel one minute to the next.
I know I can't go back but I don't want to start over. I am in this limbo...between what I can't have any longer and what I know will inevitably happen someday--that I'll find myself moving....on with my job...with my life...with my goals, some of them being our own desires....and yet, I both welcome and dread the day when I look back and realize I somehow made the choice to turn the corner and put the sadness and sorrow in a box that I come back and visit every so often....but that I now choose to smile and hold close our memories and love.
I will carry this love with me everywhere...there is no way I couldn't. Good love changes you--it makes you a better person....it shapes your own dreams, passions, desires, and-at the very core-your self. Good love doesn't judge you...doesn't set limitations or expectations....it accepts and loves you unconditionally...
But I'm not there yet. I'm still so very sad...and angry...and hurt...and even jealous....jealous that You get to spend my forever with Chris. I know this is selfish and I also know You understand these feelings...that You are big and can handle these feelings I so often throw at you...and I pray You hold me in your hands until I'm ready to let go of this anger and hurt and jealousy...until I can be sure that leaving those hands is safe...
These thoughts are scattered, I know. It is difficult for me to make anything flow lately. I lie awake at night contemplating, considering, and trying to stop my brain from thinking...but it just doesn't work. I miss my husband....my best friend and confidant...and I miss my life--the one I once knew like the back of my hand...the one I didn't know I was going to have to lose until it wasn't my choice anymore. By the way, I hate that. I hate that I didn't have a say and that I can't find the decisive piece of myself who didn't second guess everything from what socks to put on to what interest rate to refinance my house at.
And here I am....at bottom...clawing my way up this steep, slippery, dark and scary hill....wondering when I'll get back to the top. Holding out hope and taking a giant leap of faith that I'll be ok...that God doesn't give you more than you can take. Digging deep and holding on for dear life...that, in the midst of all of it, when I don't have any fight left in me....those who love me will throw me a life preserver and pull me in, hold me a while, and set me back up this hill with more strength than I had before....
.Two Months.
8/24/09
Two Months Today.
I felt all different things today. I had comfort this morning, followed by frustration, then anger, sadness, jealousy, and finally, numbness which has stayed with me for much of the evening. I wish I could say that somehow the days are steadily getting easier but truth is I still don't know how it's going to be day to day. I wish I could say that the emptiness is a little less in some moments but it really doesn't ever leave me.
I have found myself smiling and laughing lately and feeling like I'm having fun.....even if it doesn't last for long but I also hate the attachments that my heart sometimes puts on that. If I smile too much or laugh to hard I fear that I may be forgetting instead of embracing the comfort in knowing I haven't completely lost the pieces of me that Chris so loved and cherished...he loved my laugh and my smile. He loved how big my heart is and while it is a bit guarded as of late, I try to still be the giving person I have always been and also do it in ways that will be a true reflection of our love.
Lately I find myself remembering the very things that I always found so silly. From the minute we were married, he loved calling me Mrs. Brey. I always laughed it off and sarcastically called him Mr. Brey...but really, Mr & Mrs was all that mattered--we fit. I often had people ask us how exactly we fit together...we were, in a lot of ways, opposites, but our cores were the same. We shared many of the same passions and had so many of the same dreams and hopes. Sometimes, you just can't explain it. Sometimes it just is.
I never considered myself to be a jealous person but I look at people...my friends, my acquaintances, my patients, and people I just barely know and see their lives moving in the direction mine was heading and wish it was my own life again. Happiness. Family. Unending Love. This jealousy seems to haunt me and I hate it. I hate wanting what I can't have. Not only do I feel like it isn't healthy, it just isn't me....but, for right now....it's going to have to be until I can let it go.
I miss our life so much. I walk in our home and see our dreams and memories in these walls. It hurts down to the very depth of my soul. I often wonder why God picked me for this path and where He is taking me. I ask Him so much....I just want to know that there really is a reason for this pain.
I miss myself. When Chris died...so did I....my heart now must reinvent the half that is missing. The half I so loved and cherished.
I pray for the day when I wake up and realize that I smiled with my whole heart that morning and that, as much as I will always miss and love Chris, that I'll be ok. That I know Chris loved me enough to help me keep on going in this life...that he'd want me to keep on going. But this is hard. I feel like I keep hanging on but I don't know how long my grip will last. How long I can keep on trying.
And here I am...two months later, still hoping, still living, still smiling--even if it isn't much...and still praying...all for the chance to see him again someday.
Two Months Today.
I felt all different things today. I had comfort this morning, followed by frustration, then anger, sadness, jealousy, and finally, numbness which has stayed with me for much of the evening. I wish I could say that somehow the days are steadily getting easier but truth is I still don't know how it's going to be day to day. I wish I could say that the emptiness is a little less in some moments but it really doesn't ever leave me.
I have found myself smiling and laughing lately and feeling like I'm having fun.....even if it doesn't last for long but I also hate the attachments that my heart sometimes puts on that. If I smile too much or laugh to hard I fear that I may be forgetting instead of embracing the comfort in knowing I haven't completely lost the pieces of me that Chris so loved and cherished...he loved my laugh and my smile. He loved how big my heart is and while it is a bit guarded as of late, I try to still be the giving person I have always been and also do it in ways that will be a true reflection of our love.
Lately I find myself remembering the very things that I always found so silly. From the minute we were married, he loved calling me Mrs. Brey. I always laughed it off and sarcastically called him Mr. Brey...but really, Mr & Mrs was all that mattered--we fit. I often had people ask us how exactly we fit together...we were, in a lot of ways, opposites, but our cores were the same. We shared many of the same passions and had so many of the same dreams and hopes. Sometimes, you just can't explain it. Sometimes it just is.
I never considered myself to be a jealous person but I look at people...my friends, my acquaintances, my patients, and people I just barely know and see their lives moving in the direction mine was heading and wish it was my own life again. Happiness. Family. Unending Love. This jealousy seems to haunt me and I hate it. I hate wanting what I can't have. Not only do I feel like it isn't healthy, it just isn't me....but, for right now....it's going to have to be until I can let it go.
I miss our life so much. I walk in our home and see our dreams and memories in these walls. It hurts down to the very depth of my soul. I often wonder why God picked me for this path and where He is taking me. I ask Him so much....I just want to know that there really is a reason for this pain.
I miss myself. When Chris died...so did I....my heart now must reinvent the half that is missing. The half I so loved and cherished.
I pray for the day when I wake up and realize that I smiled with my whole heart that morning and that, as much as I will always miss and love Chris, that I'll be ok. That I know Chris loved me enough to help me keep on going in this life...that he'd want me to keep on going. But this is hard. I feel like I keep hanging on but I don't know how long my grip will last. How long I can keep on trying.
And here I am...two months later, still hoping, still living, still smiling--even if it isn't much...and still praying...all for the chance to see him again someday.
.Hard Days.
8/11/09
today i miss you. more than anything. it hurts to breathe. i can't stop crying. i just miss you.
i miss our life. the life we built that we thought no one could destroy. i walk in our door every day and i see our life....what's left of it. all the responsibility that i just don't want to deal with.
i miss your laugh. it was the best laugh. it came from your heart...deep down. gosh, you laughed so much and your eyes lit up when you were smiling....i miss those eyes that i could stare into forever and know i was safe.
i miss your hugs....the ones where you'd hold on for what seemed like forever and i'd look at you and ask why you were still holding on and you told me it was because you missed me when i wasn't there. i miss you. i miss holding you too.
i miss falling asleep with you. all of our conversations. about everything and nothing. you made me feel better about everything i ever worried about or wanted or was unsure of. you made this world feel easier....like it wasn't really as bad as people thought.
i miss how you'd get upset when i didn't put my dishes away or if i left it in the sink.
i miss how you'd get mad when my shoes were out....and jon's. i'd give anything to have you yell at me about my shoes again.
i miss all our texts we'd send throughout the day and how you'd call me on your lunch just to say hi. i miss just saying hi. you took so much pride in being my husband and doing your best to be everything i ever needed and wanted. you were amazing....i'm sorry i didn't tell you that enough. you are the most amazing husband.
i miss how you'd always drive...especially at night. i hate that now you aren't here to take the keys. i hate that i grab my keys and half expect you to take them from me....so you could take me home. please, just come and take me home.
i miss your singing. you have the most beautiful voice. i always prided us on that....that our children would someday be blessed with a great voice because they'd have you.
i miss the future we just started making.
i miss our dreams
i miss myself. we were so much a part of each other. our love ran deep. now there is half of me that is missing......because i know i will never again have you in this world.
i miss my best friend. you understood everything about me. everything. you never expected or asked for anything. you just loved me.
i miss you. everything about you. your lists...your organization...your hair...your kisses...your toes...your hands...your love...your jokes...your stability...your enthusiasm...your passion...your heart. i just miss you....today more than yesterday and still less than tomorrow
i love you from here to the moon
today i miss you. more than anything. it hurts to breathe. i can't stop crying. i just miss you.
i miss our life. the life we built that we thought no one could destroy. i walk in our door every day and i see our life....what's left of it. all the responsibility that i just don't want to deal with.
i miss your laugh. it was the best laugh. it came from your heart...deep down. gosh, you laughed so much and your eyes lit up when you were smiling....i miss those eyes that i could stare into forever and know i was safe.
i miss your hugs....the ones where you'd hold on for what seemed like forever and i'd look at you and ask why you were still holding on and you told me it was because you missed me when i wasn't there. i miss you. i miss holding you too.
i miss falling asleep with you. all of our conversations. about everything and nothing. you made me feel better about everything i ever worried about or wanted or was unsure of. you made this world feel easier....like it wasn't really as bad as people thought.
i miss how you'd get upset when i didn't put my dishes away or if i left it in the sink.
i miss how you'd get mad when my shoes were out....and jon's. i'd give anything to have you yell at me about my shoes again.
i miss all our texts we'd send throughout the day and how you'd call me on your lunch just to say hi. i miss just saying hi. you took so much pride in being my husband and doing your best to be everything i ever needed and wanted. you were amazing....i'm sorry i didn't tell you that enough. you are the most amazing husband.
i miss how you'd always drive...especially at night. i hate that now you aren't here to take the keys. i hate that i grab my keys and half expect you to take them from me....so you could take me home. please, just come and take me home.
i miss your singing. you have the most beautiful voice. i always prided us on that....that our children would someday be blessed with a great voice because they'd have you.
i miss the future we just started making.
i miss our dreams
i miss myself. we were so much a part of each other. our love ran deep. now there is half of me that is missing......because i know i will never again have you in this world.
i miss my best friend. you understood everything about me. everything. you never expected or asked for anything. you just loved me.
i miss you. everything about you. your lists...your organization...your hair...your kisses...your toes...your hands...your love...your jokes...your stability...your enthusiasm...your passion...your heart. i just miss you....today more than yesterday and still less than tomorrow
i love you from here to the moon
.Hi Monkey.
7/31/09
Hi Monkey,
I love you.
Today I realized just how much you've taught me. It came from a gift that we decided to give just a few short months ago. I gave it today....and as I did, a flood of emotions reminded me of all things I've learned from you...
Unconditional love. You loved me without expectation and judgment. I knew that your arms would be the safest I'd ever find. I found them in the middle of the night when I was scared, after a long day, in the moments where I just needed those arms to surround me....I found them when I was happy, sad, angry, hurt, and when I didn't even know how I was. They sheltered me, carried me when I couldn't do it on my own, and always loved me. Those arms were home to me. While I miss coming home to them, I know you hold me often....there are moments before bed when I feel this quiet comfort, I know you are wrapping them around me then.
The Act of Giving. You gave everything to us. To our friends. To our family. To me. Even if you didn't have the money to give, you'd find a different way to give of yourself. I learned so much about sacrifice from you. You were there when I needed ANYTHING....even if it meant waking you up so you would kill the spider in the tub and you lost an hour of sleep. You never complained and when any of our friends or family was hurting, you were the first to say-what can we do. You always told me how good I am to people and how you wanted to be more like me in that way...but the truth is, I learned it all from you.
Faith. You brought me closer to God than I've been in my whole life. I'll never forget meeting you and finding out you went to 8:00 mass every sunday. I thought you were crazy. You went like clock work...we had some time where we took a step in a more selfish direction...never making the time for Him...but we found our way back, and that was always because of you. Our wedding changed us. It changed you. It made you want to be closer to Him again and because of that, it made me want it, too. I rely on you and God now, more than ever, and am so very thankful that we got to go through RCIA together...that you were my sponsor and taught me more about being closer to God than most people will ever know. Close in a relationship....offering of yourself freely and never asking for more than you thought you deserved. God is good to us...even now. Even now, in my moments of anger, while praying and pleading for understanding and acceptance, I realize that God is big--He can handle all of these emotions and still, he carries me....I know you both are holding my heart together until I can find the strength to begin to put the pieces back together. I thank you for bringing me to Him...for showing me the amazing relationship that can exist with a bit of work and a whole lot of love.
Understanding. You always gave people the benefit of the doubt and you were never quick to judge. Because of that, I've learned to take certain things with a grain of salt and in the last 24 hours have let go of a lot of things that I know you'd tell me were ridiculous. You had more understanding for people's situations and needs than I will ever fully grasp.
Compassion. You always told me you never knew just what to say in situations where people were hurting and yet you always said just the right thing. You hated funerals and still went...offering kind words and sympathy. I remember how we would pray for these families....how we would ask for them to have understanding, strength, and acceptance. This is what I now pray for. You always spoke to God in the most beautiful way....like He was your best friend....I appreciate those conversations and glimpses into your heart so I now know just what to say when I ask Him for these things.
I could go forever. I could go on and on....but the most important thing is that, just today, I realized that while there will still be bad days and good days, I'm going to make it...because you are still here. I know you've been trying to tell me this for 5 weeks. I had forgotten. I forgot how to remember. I will still cry, I will still hurt...but I can also look at your picture and smile. There will always be good days and bad days. Always. But still, there will always be you....right here....until I come to meet you.
Love,
Your Tickles
Hi Monkey,
I love you.
Today I realized just how much you've taught me. It came from a gift that we decided to give just a few short months ago. I gave it today....and as I did, a flood of emotions reminded me of all things I've learned from you...
Unconditional love. You loved me without expectation and judgment. I knew that your arms would be the safest I'd ever find. I found them in the middle of the night when I was scared, after a long day, in the moments where I just needed those arms to surround me....I found them when I was happy, sad, angry, hurt, and when I didn't even know how I was. They sheltered me, carried me when I couldn't do it on my own, and always loved me. Those arms were home to me. While I miss coming home to them, I know you hold me often....there are moments before bed when I feel this quiet comfort, I know you are wrapping them around me then.
The Act of Giving. You gave everything to us. To our friends. To our family. To me. Even if you didn't have the money to give, you'd find a different way to give of yourself. I learned so much about sacrifice from you. You were there when I needed ANYTHING....even if it meant waking you up so you would kill the spider in the tub and you lost an hour of sleep. You never complained and when any of our friends or family was hurting, you were the first to say-what can we do. You always told me how good I am to people and how you wanted to be more like me in that way...but the truth is, I learned it all from you.
Faith. You brought me closer to God than I've been in my whole life. I'll never forget meeting you and finding out you went to 8:00 mass every sunday. I thought you were crazy. You went like clock work...we had some time where we took a step in a more selfish direction...never making the time for Him...but we found our way back, and that was always because of you. Our wedding changed us. It changed you. It made you want to be closer to Him again and because of that, it made me want it, too. I rely on you and God now, more than ever, and am so very thankful that we got to go through RCIA together...that you were my sponsor and taught me more about being closer to God than most people will ever know. Close in a relationship....offering of yourself freely and never asking for more than you thought you deserved. God is good to us...even now. Even now, in my moments of anger, while praying and pleading for understanding and acceptance, I realize that God is big--He can handle all of these emotions and still, he carries me....I know you both are holding my heart together until I can find the strength to begin to put the pieces back together. I thank you for bringing me to Him...for showing me the amazing relationship that can exist with a bit of work and a whole lot of love.
Understanding. You always gave people the benefit of the doubt and you were never quick to judge. Because of that, I've learned to take certain things with a grain of salt and in the last 24 hours have let go of a lot of things that I know you'd tell me were ridiculous. You had more understanding for people's situations and needs than I will ever fully grasp.
Compassion. You always told me you never knew just what to say in situations where people were hurting and yet you always said just the right thing. You hated funerals and still went...offering kind words and sympathy. I remember how we would pray for these families....how we would ask for them to have understanding, strength, and acceptance. This is what I now pray for. You always spoke to God in the most beautiful way....like He was your best friend....I appreciate those conversations and glimpses into your heart so I now know just what to say when I ask Him for these things.
I could go forever. I could go on and on....but the most important thing is that, just today, I realized that while there will still be bad days and good days, I'm going to make it...because you are still here. I know you've been trying to tell me this for 5 weeks. I had forgotten. I forgot how to remember. I will still cry, I will still hurt...but I can also look at your picture and smile. There will always be good days and bad days. Always. But still, there will always be you....right here....until I come to meet you.
Love,
Your Tickles
.Imagine.
7/29/09
Just tonight I had someone ask me to describe what I'm going through. The only word I could say is.....indescribable. Then, as I thought about it a few things came to mind. Allow me to digress...
For a moment, close your eyes (after reading) and clear your head...then think of a best friend, partner, brother, sister, mother, father, or anyone who makes your world complete just by being in it....then imagine, for a moment, that you lose this person--the one person who gets you completely and understands your ins and outs and expects nothing, never judges, and always holds on so very tight. Shock. Sadness. Worry. Hurt. Anger. Lonely. Helpless. Hopeless. These are the few things that come to the top of my head.
Then, imagine for a moment, being there for everything, the funeral planning, the funeral itself, the burial, and the moments after and STILL, 5 weeks later, having moments where you forget that this is your life and then when it hits you that it is--it completely levels you.
Imagine not knowing from one moment to the next how your mood will be or what you will feel and then, when it hits you, always at the worst time, you can't even begin to put yourself back together...no matter how hard you try there is always one piece missing.
Imagine that in the middle of all of this sadness there are decisions to be made....people to be informed--people that don't even know you, credit card companies, mortgage companies, among many more--and you have to keep your brave face on long enough to get through the phone calls and the informing.
Imagine people asking you most every day what happened and reliving that moment each day. People wonder why it is difficult to get through a whole day.....people, out of concern, ask questions and seek answers--even for themselves. this makes it hard to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Imagine walking into your home that you shared together and seeing your life on the walls and everywhere you turn you are reminded of what is now gone......and while it would seem easiest to take down all the pictures and pack away the clothes, you can't just pack your life away....you can't just let go. as much as you want to sometimes when you reach for that picture to put away, there is something that makes you set it right back down until you have the courage to try again. courage. this is something i never understood fully until now.
Imagine doing your favorite things together by yourself. The world becomes empty and lonely and seemingly lifeless.
Also, though, imagine quiet moments of peace....when you know that person is here and that God is here....and they, together, are holding your heart together until you find the strength to put the pieces back together.
Imagine a sense of comfort and hope that you will someday be ok...not knowing how but that God wouldn't put you through this without good reason.
These are just a few of the things I feel every day. sometimes more sadness than peace and other times more peace than hurt...but each day i feel it. I wear Chris' wedding ring on my thumb...I constantly turn it and look at it, remembering the day I put it on his finger. most of the time it helps me to feel closer to him....other times, i only feel so very far away.
The last few weeks have caused me to take a good but extremely hard look at my life. Priorities. Goals. Dreams. Love. Death. So many things I never imagined encountering. But here I am. I cannot change it....I cannot bring him back, as much as I want to, and I pray every day for strength and acceptance. I find myself leaning on my faith more than ever...leaning on my friends and family....and hoping that between the two of them, they will hold me up for as long as I need.
I pray, each day, that this is only a place you will go in your imagination and that you will never experience the kind of hurt and emptiness and sadness that I encounter every day.....but, if ever there may be a time when you find yourself on this very same road I will be here...
I love you monkey...from here to the moon.
Just tonight I had someone ask me to describe what I'm going through. The only word I could say is.....indescribable. Then, as I thought about it a few things came to mind. Allow me to digress...
For a moment, close your eyes (after reading) and clear your head...then think of a best friend, partner, brother, sister, mother, father, or anyone who makes your world complete just by being in it....then imagine, for a moment, that you lose this person--the one person who gets you completely and understands your ins and outs and expects nothing, never judges, and always holds on so very tight. Shock. Sadness. Worry. Hurt. Anger. Lonely. Helpless. Hopeless. These are the few things that come to the top of my head.
Then, imagine for a moment, being there for everything, the funeral planning, the funeral itself, the burial, and the moments after and STILL, 5 weeks later, having moments where you forget that this is your life and then when it hits you that it is--it completely levels you.
Imagine not knowing from one moment to the next how your mood will be or what you will feel and then, when it hits you, always at the worst time, you can't even begin to put yourself back together...no matter how hard you try there is always one piece missing.
Imagine that in the middle of all of this sadness there are decisions to be made....people to be informed--people that don't even know you, credit card companies, mortgage companies, among many more--and you have to keep your brave face on long enough to get through the phone calls and the informing.
Imagine people asking you most every day what happened and reliving that moment each day. People wonder why it is difficult to get through a whole day.....people, out of concern, ask questions and seek answers--even for themselves. this makes it hard to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Imagine walking into your home that you shared together and seeing your life on the walls and everywhere you turn you are reminded of what is now gone......and while it would seem easiest to take down all the pictures and pack away the clothes, you can't just pack your life away....you can't just let go. as much as you want to sometimes when you reach for that picture to put away, there is something that makes you set it right back down until you have the courage to try again. courage. this is something i never understood fully until now.
Imagine doing your favorite things together by yourself. The world becomes empty and lonely and seemingly lifeless.
Also, though, imagine quiet moments of peace....when you know that person is here and that God is here....and they, together, are holding your heart together until you find the strength to put the pieces back together.
Imagine a sense of comfort and hope that you will someday be ok...not knowing how but that God wouldn't put you through this without good reason.
These are just a few of the things I feel every day. sometimes more sadness than peace and other times more peace than hurt...but each day i feel it. I wear Chris' wedding ring on my thumb...I constantly turn it and look at it, remembering the day I put it on his finger. most of the time it helps me to feel closer to him....other times, i only feel so very far away.
The last few weeks have caused me to take a good but extremely hard look at my life. Priorities. Goals. Dreams. Love. Death. So many things I never imagined encountering. But here I am. I cannot change it....I cannot bring him back, as much as I want to, and I pray every day for strength and acceptance. I find myself leaning on my faith more than ever...leaning on my friends and family....and hoping that between the two of them, they will hold me up for as long as I need.
I pray, each day, that this is only a place you will go in your imagination and that you will never experience the kind of hurt and emptiness and sadness that I encounter every day.....but, if ever there may be a time when you find yourself on this very same road I will be here...
I love you monkey...from here to the moon.
.It Is Love.
7/23/09
I know, in the depths of my heart, that someday I'll be okay.....but this is where the conflict is. While I pray every day for the day when I can wake up and not feel like crawling in a hole......it comes with much fear. Fear that I will forget the sound of his voice or the strength in his arms around me or days and moments that we so loved and cherished. The problem is that there is a disconnect right now. I doubt everything that I once so easily believed and knew to be true. The decisions I now have to face without having my best friend there to talk it out with me are much more difficult than I ever anticipated.
The other problem is balance. I can't seem to find the space in which to ask for just enough help and yet not too much. I find myself wanting to give to my friends and family the life back that they had before I needed them too much. While I know life will never again be what it was when Chris was here, I am half hoping I can give them back part of their routine that didn't involve being with me most of the time. This is where I struggle. I know I need them but I also know I cannot always have them here. There are commitments, people, jobs, and daily life that need them just as much as I do.
I feel close to my faith but still have a sadness and lack of understanding that I can't wrap my brain around. I do not blame God for taking Chris.....he was the most amazing man....but I'm sad and don't understand this emptiness and this loneliness that seems to haunt me.....when I'm by myself or just before I try to fall asleep or at the most random moments of my day. I do not understand.
I struggle with my idea of what our life looked like 20 years from now. I have to let go of dreams and a life we were building....a life we both loved and cherished. Suddenly I can't even comprehend 20 minutes from now, much less 20 years....all I know is that he is no longer in it in the way we had so lovingly hoped for. I've never been entirely good at letting go....and it's even more difficult when I didn't have a choice. I didn't choose this and I still don't want it but here I am....unable to change it and trying desperately to find my place again in this world.
I still have people come up to me and tell me how brave I was for reading a eulogy at the funeral but for me, it wasn't bravery.....it is love. Our love changed me. It opened my heart and my eyes to a world that was dull before. The colors always seemed brighter with Chris and while we had our moments, I never doubted that we'd go through life's ups and downs together....until God called us home. I guess I never entertained the idea that it wouldn't be when we were old and done having our wheelchair races in the nursing home. But, at our age, does anyone? I always joked that he'd be nearly 80 when we got to our 50 year anniversary and he always brought me back down to earth and reminded me we take it 1 year at a time...let's get through 1 first. Oh Christopher, you always knew how to bring me back home.
I still cry...a lot. The funny thing is that, in this moment lately, I cannot even feel the tears fall down my face. It feels so much like a part of me and while it is difficult to comprehend, they seem to remind me that I am still here...feeling.....that I'm not entirely numb or so disconnected.
I won't lie...the last 3 days have been so very hard, even today is hard, and I don't know if I see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel yet but I do know that I'm trying my best to honor Chris every day. I often wonder what he is doing in Heaven...who he is with...what he has already seen in this large world that we had always dreamed of doing. Does he sleep up there? Do you even need to sleep? I, too, wonder what he'd be doing if the roles were reversed. He felt things deeply and he was one of the most caring and sensitive people I've ever known. I can only hope that he is watching over us all, taking care of us in our moments of sadness and rejoicing with us in our moments of joy.
I know he loved me enough to face each day with a brave face. This is why I get up every morning and CHOOSE to get out of bed, go to work, and try again. I'm not perfect and sometimes it's harder than I expected but I can say with certainty that he loved me enough.....and I hope that all of you can go to bed each night knowing you loved someone enough.......maybe you have someone special and maybe you don't, but someday you will and then I hope that you can stand up and shout to the world that you love that person enough and as crazy as it seems, God will hear you, and He will know it with as much certainty as I do....because in the darkest moments, and on my hardest days--much like today--I talk to God and I talk to Chris and they carry me...
I know, in the depths of my heart, that someday I'll be okay.....but this is where the conflict is. While I pray every day for the day when I can wake up and not feel like crawling in a hole......it comes with much fear. Fear that I will forget the sound of his voice or the strength in his arms around me or days and moments that we so loved and cherished. The problem is that there is a disconnect right now. I doubt everything that I once so easily believed and knew to be true. The decisions I now have to face without having my best friend there to talk it out with me are much more difficult than I ever anticipated.
The other problem is balance. I can't seem to find the space in which to ask for just enough help and yet not too much. I find myself wanting to give to my friends and family the life back that they had before I needed them too much. While I know life will never again be what it was when Chris was here, I am half hoping I can give them back part of their routine that didn't involve being with me most of the time. This is where I struggle. I know I need them but I also know I cannot always have them here. There are commitments, people, jobs, and daily life that need them just as much as I do.
I feel close to my faith but still have a sadness and lack of understanding that I can't wrap my brain around. I do not blame God for taking Chris.....he was the most amazing man....but I'm sad and don't understand this emptiness and this loneliness that seems to haunt me.....when I'm by myself or just before I try to fall asleep or at the most random moments of my day. I do not understand.
I struggle with my idea of what our life looked like 20 years from now. I have to let go of dreams and a life we were building....a life we both loved and cherished. Suddenly I can't even comprehend 20 minutes from now, much less 20 years....all I know is that he is no longer in it in the way we had so lovingly hoped for. I've never been entirely good at letting go....and it's even more difficult when I didn't have a choice. I didn't choose this and I still don't want it but here I am....unable to change it and trying desperately to find my place again in this world.
I still have people come up to me and tell me how brave I was for reading a eulogy at the funeral but for me, it wasn't bravery.....it is love. Our love changed me. It opened my heart and my eyes to a world that was dull before. The colors always seemed brighter with Chris and while we had our moments, I never doubted that we'd go through life's ups and downs together....until God called us home. I guess I never entertained the idea that it wouldn't be when we were old and done having our wheelchair races in the nursing home. But, at our age, does anyone? I always joked that he'd be nearly 80 when we got to our 50 year anniversary and he always brought me back down to earth and reminded me we take it 1 year at a time...let's get through 1 first. Oh Christopher, you always knew how to bring me back home.
I still cry...a lot. The funny thing is that, in this moment lately, I cannot even feel the tears fall down my face. It feels so much like a part of me and while it is difficult to comprehend, they seem to remind me that I am still here...feeling.....that I'm not entirely numb or so disconnected.
I won't lie...the last 3 days have been so very hard, even today is hard, and I don't know if I see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel yet but I do know that I'm trying my best to honor Chris every day. I often wonder what he is doing in Heaven...who he is with...what he has already seen in this large world that we had always dreamed of doing. Does he sleep up there? Do you even need to sleep? I, too, wonder what he'd be doing if the roles were reversed. He felt things deeply and he was one of the most caring and sensitive people I've ever known. I can only hope that he is watching over us all, taking care of us in our moments of sadness and rejoicing with us in our moments of joy.
I know he loved me enough to face each day with a brave face. This is why I get up every morning and CHOOSE to get out of bed, go to work, and try again. I'm not perfect and sometimes it's harder than I expected but I can say with certainty that he loved me enough.....and I hope that all of you can go to bed each night knowing you loved someone enough.......maybe you have someone special and maybe you don't, but someday you will and then I hope that you can stand up and shout to the world that you love that person enough and as crazy as it seems, God will hear you, and He will know it with as much certainty as I do....because in the darkest moments, and on my hardest days--much like today--I talk to God and I talk to Chris and they carry me...
.I Remember.
7/16/09
i remember when i knew you were the one. we were in your room and i was laying on your bed and out of nowhere you looked at me and told me i was your favorite and then asked if you could keep me. i knew then that you were it...no more worrying about how long we'd last, just that we would....forever.
i remember laying awake talking about what would happen if one of us died and i told you that it would it be okay to move on someday and you told me the same but that even though i told you that, you said you never would. i never even considered that conversation would be an option someday. the thought never even crossed my mind.
i remember how you always made me laugh. every day, you'd do something to make me laugh so much i snorted. i think you took great pride in that.
i remember all our vacations and day long excursions. you had such a sense of adventure and i'm so honored to have spent those moments with you.
i remember how long the days felt when we were apart and how appreciative you always were to see me at the end of the day. i wish i would have been more thankful for that. i wish i would have held on a bit tighter then. if only i knew then what i know now.
i remember our first Christmas after we moved in together. figuring out where the tree would go, rearranging our furniture, calling your parents to take our first family Christmas photo. you wore the nautica sweater i got you that you didn't like because it had a turtleneck and that made you feel strange. ha. so many times you wore that sweater because i requested...you are amazing.
i remember birthdays and anniversaries...each one accompanied by a card you hand picked for me weeks, sometimes months, ahead of time. each of them holds a special place in my heart...i'm so glad i saved them all.
i remember our highs and lows and how we always faced them together. you always knew just what to say to make me feel better.
i remember how you'd hold me when there was a thunderstorm....i never liked them, ever since i was a kid. i remember one night i ran under the desk in our house in milwaukee, i think my dad said something about oscar the grouch not being afraid so i shouldn't be....but i am afraid. i'm afraid that i'll forget hwo safe those arms are when there's a storm and you're not here.
i remember the first time i saw you cry...and the first time you really opened up to me...those moments changed us, brought us closer, and cemented the foundation we had been building.
i remember picking out milo. he chose us...just like you chose me. then how we got max and maggie at just 3 weeks and learned how to feed every four hours and how exhausted we were...but we did it together.....and barely a year ago we found our maya. she had your heart before she had mine but quickly i learned the bond that both of you had was something i'll never know. you and her were inseperable when you were laid off. she misses you....so do the cats.....and so do i.
i remember buying our house....when we were writing the offer and i was too scared to sign it and you told me to trust you and you said, i know we can do it, and shoved the paper at me....and it was the best thing we ever did
i remember planning our wedding.....remember when you got mad that i needed to go back to hobby lobby for a different hole punch for invitations. that was probably our dumbest fight...at least that i remember. ha. you wanted to be involved with everything and your hands touched everything we did...
i remember the first time i got mad at you and i yelled and you looked at me and asked me if i was done yet. that we don't need to yell in this relationship...we're adults and can talk. it changed the way we dealt with conflict. sure, we yelled sometimes, but most of the time we always talked it out. i'm so glad you taught me that. you taught me that love doesn't mean belittling someone, it means talking about the problem and moving on....
i remember how you never lived in the past. i love that about you. you are so present in everything. i am trying to do that but some days are harder than others
i remember when you sang to me for the first time....it was beautiful. i remember feeling my heart glow.
i remember RCIA. i don't know how i could have done it without you. i'll never forget staying up late in bed memorizing the hail mary...i was terrible but you encouraged me to keep trying and now i know it like the back of my hand. all the crazy questions i'd ask and you'd give me the best answer you could. you were certainly a man of God and i love that about you.
i remember the moment i told you it was okay to walk away from us....i was not in a good place then and would have completely understood if you did walk away but instead you held me tighter and told me you weren't going anywhere. that was a beautiful day.
i remember the snow on our wedding day....and how i was so nervous and you were holding my hand at the altar telling me it was going to be okay...that it was just us and God--act like no one else is here. you always saw the big picture. thank you for showing it to me, too.
i remember standing at the visitation looking at all the flowers people sent and all the people coming through......then i realized just how loved you are. unfortunately, it takes these moments to find out who your true friends and family are. as hard as that day was and as numb as i felt, i was comforted knowing you were just an arms length away and even though your body was all that was left, i know you were there....holding us all.
i remember the first time you told me you loved me...and the last....just before bed tuesday night. you were sad that i went to lay in bed without you and when you realized i was reading, you came in and we talked about my book and how your new job was. i remember the last kiss before turning in that night. i remember it like it was just yesterday and most days it feels like it was....but i guess the best part is that i remember....and will never forget.
i remember when i knew you were the one. we were in your room and i was laying on your bed and out of nowhere you looked at me and told me i was your favorite and then asked if you could keep me. i knew then that you were it...no more worrying about how long we'd last, just that we would....forever.
i remember laying awake talking about what would happen if one of us died and i told you that it would it be okay to move on someday and you told me the same but that even though i told you that, you said you never would. i never even considered that conversation would be an option someday. the thought never even crossed my mind.
i remember how you always made me laugh. every day, you'd do something to make me laugh so much i snorted. i think you took great pride in that.
i remember all our vacations and day long excursions. you had such a sense of adventure and i'm so honored to have spent those moments with you.
i remember how long the days felt when we were apart and how appreciative you always were to see me at the end of the day. i wish i would have been more thankful for that. i wish i would have held on a bit tighter then. if only i knew then what i know now.
i remember our first Christmas after we moved in together. figuring out where the tree would go, rearranging our furniture, calling your parents to take our first family Christmas photo. you wore the nautica sweater i got you that you didn't like because it had a turtleneck and that made you feel strange. ha. so many times you wore that sweater because i requested...you are amazing.
i remember birthdays and anniversaries...each one accompanied by a card you hand picked for me weeks, sometimes months, ahead of time. each of them holds a special place in my heart...i'm so glad i saved them all.
i remember our highs and lows and how we always faced them together. you always knew just what to say to make me feel better.
i remember how you'd hold me when there was a thunderstorm....i never liked them, ever since i was a kid. i remember one night i ran under the desk in our house in milwaukee, i think my dad said something about oscar the grouch not being afraid so i shouldn't be....but i am afraid. i'm afraid that i'll forget hwo safe those arms are when there's a storm and you're not here.
i remember the first time i saw you cry...and the first time you really opened up to me...those moments changed us, brought us closer, and cemented the foundation we had been building.
i remember picking out milo. he chose us...just like you chose me. then how we got max and maggie at just 3 weeks and learned how to feed every four hours and how exhausted we were...but we did it together.....and barely a year ago we found our maya. she had your heart before she had mine but quickly i learned the bond that both of you had was something i'll never know. you and her were inseperable when you were laid off. she misses you....so do the cats.....and so do i.
i remember buying our house....when we were writing the offer and i was too scared to sign it and you told me to trust you and you said, i know we can do it, and shoved the paper at me....and it was the best thing we ever did
i remember planning our wedding.....remember when you got mad that i needed to go back to hobby lobby for a different hole punch for invitations. that was probably our dumbest fight...at least that i remember. ha. you wanted to be involved with everything and your hands touched everything we did...
i remember the first time i got mad at you and i yelled and you looked at me and asked me if i was done yet. that we don't need to yell in this relationship...we're adults and can talk. it changed the way we dealt with conflict. sure, we yelled sometimes, but most of the time we always talked it out. i'm so glad you taught me that. you taught me that love doesn't mean belittling someone, it means talking about the problem and moving on....
i remember how you never lived in the past. i love that about you. you are so present in everything. i am trying to do that but some days are harder than others
i remember when you sang to me for the first time....it was beautiful. i remember feeling my heart glow.
i remember RCIA. i don't know how i could have done it without you. i'll never forget staying up late in bed memorizing the hail mary...i was terrible but you encouraged me to keep trying and now i know it like the back of my hand. all the crazy questions i'd ask and you'd give me the best answer you could. you were certainly a man of God and i love that about you.
i remember the moment i told you it was okay to walk away from us....i was not in a good place then and would have completely understood if you did walk away but instead you held me tighter and told me you weren't going anywhere. that was a beautiful day.
i remember the snow on our wedding day....and how i was so nervous and you were holding my hand at the altar telling me it was going to be okay...that it was just us and God--act like no one else is here. you always saw the big picture. thank you for showing it to me, too.
i remember standing at the visitation looking at all the flowers people sent and all the people coming through......then i realized just how loved you are. unfortunately, it takes these moments to find out who your true friends and family are. as hard as that day was and as numb as i felt, i was comforted knowing you were just an arms length away and even though your body was all that was left, i know you were there....holding us all.
i remember the first time you told me you loved me...and the last....just before bed tuesday night. you were sad that i went to lay in bed without you and when you realized i was reading, you came in and we talked about my book and how your new job was. i remember the last kiss before turning in that night. i remember it like it was just yesterday and most days it feels like it was....but i guess the best part is that i remember....and will never forget.
.Hi Monkey.
7/13/09
hi monkey,
i miss you. i love you. those are the two most important things. it's been nearly 3 weeks, but it feels like just yesterday. tonight i'm here unwinding from the day. i went grocery shopping--and i took a list--i know you'd be proud. luckily, nicole went with me. it got me down the aisles and kept my mind off our normal routine. it definitely helped. jill and i went to dinner. i don't know what i'd do without her to be honest. i know you always knew she'd take care of me but i never thought it would be like this. jon is on vacation this week...the house is pretty empty as it is and then to have him gone is hard but i'm doing my best. i know it had to happen some time.
your birthday was just 2 days ago. wow. that was a rough day. amanda was with me for most of it and then jill. they're the best. i hope you had a wonderful birthday in Heaven but i'm sure you did. i'm sure everything is beautiful there. what's it like? what's your favorite part? i bet there is the most beautiful music there. i went to the races on saturday night. i know that's where you would be--you had been talking about it for months. it was hard but most things are lately.
your family...our family...has been amazing. greg keeps fixing things that break or helping me find my water meters...your parents check in all the time....my parents are here helping me with everything. i couldn't keep going without all of them.
our friends have been pretty wonderful. there are a couple who haven't but i know you know that. i know you can see the hurt that i have from that and i pray that you help give me the strength i need to keep on moving.
work is hard....but i keep remembering that you would want me to try my best every day.
everything reminds me of you. everything.
i hope you can hear me when i talk to you...it's frustrating that i can't hear you talk back. i have so many questions...mostly, why. i know you hear me ask. i just need to let it out i guess. you were always the best listener....you still are.
church is the hardest place to go. it was our thing...but somehow i find the strength every sunday to go and there is a calmness and peace that comes from grace that i never fully understood before. while it's hard, it helps and that's what i need right now.
i never realized how much you did for us. i'm getting sick of taking out the garbage and doing the laundry. i hated those things more than anything which is why you always did them.
there isn't a day that goes by that i don't ask God to bring you back or that i don't cry down to the very depth of my core. i feel needy right now but know it's ok. i need my friends and family so much right now....and they're willing so i'm leaning on them as much as i can...
just remember i love you. i still listen to your voicemail every day and i still smell your blanket every day and i miss you every minute of every day. i know you're with me a lot....but i'm not the only one that needs you so make sure you are with them too. today was a hard day but it would be harder if i had never even had you at all.....
love always,
your tickles
hi monkey,
i miss you. i love you. those are the two most important things. it's been nearly 3 weeks, but it feels like just yesterday. tonight i'm here unwinding from the day. i went grocery shopping--and i took a list--i know you'd be proud. luckily, nicole went with me. it got me down the aisles and kept my mind off our normal routine. it definitely helped. jill and i went to dinner. i don't know what i'd do without her to be honest. i know you always knew she'd take care of me but i never thought it would be like this. jon is on vacation this week...the house is pretty empty as it is and then to have him gone is hard but i'm doing my best. i know it had to happen some time.
your birthday was just 2 days ago. wow. that was a rough day. amanda was with me for most of it and then jill. they're the best. i hope you had a wonderful birthday in Heaven but i'm sure you did. i'm sure everything is beautiful there. what's it like? what's your favorite part? i bet there is the most beautiful music there. i went to the races on saturday night. i know that's where you would be--you had been talking about it for months. it was hard but most things are lately.
your family...our family...has been amazing. greg keeps fixing things that break or helping me find my water meters...your parents check in all the time....my parents are here helping me with everything. i couldn't keep going without all of them.
our friends have been pretty wonderful. there are a couple who haven't but i know you know that. i know you can see the hurt that i have from that and i pray that you help give me the strength i need to keep on moving.
work is hard....but i keep remembering that you would want me to try my best every day.
everything reminds me of you. everything.
i hope you can hear me when i talk to you...it's frustrating that i can't hear you talk back. i have so many questions...mostly, why. i know you hear me ask. i just need to let it out i guess. you were always the best listener....you still are.
church is the hardest place to go. it was our thing...but somehow i find the strength every sunday to go and there is a calmness and peace that comes from grace that i never fully understood before. while it's hard, it helps and that's what i need right now.
i never realized how much you did for us. i'm getting sick of taking out the garbage and doing the laundry. i hated those things more than anything which is why you always did them.
there isn't a day that goes by that i don't ask God to bring you back or that i don't cry down to the very depth of my core. i feel needy right now but know it's ok. i need my friends and family so much right now....and they're willing so i'm leaning on them as much as i can...
just remember i love you. i still listen to your voicemail every day and i still smell your blanket every day and i miss you every minute of every day. i know you're with me a lot....but i'm not the only one that needs you so make sure you are with them too. today was a hard day but it would be harder if i had never even had you at all.....
love always,
your tickles
.An Ache In My Heart.
7/7/09
there is an ache in my heart....next a huge hole....a hole that wasn't there just two weeks ago. i know you're here, everyone keeps telling me that, but it still hurts. today i found myself pleading with God to bring you back. i know it can't and won't happen but i want it more than you could ever know. i know i'm not the only one hurting, i know everyone loved you, i just feel so alone on this journey. a place where you'd always be beside me...now i can't feel you or see you or hear you laugh. all the things i loved so much i am so terrified i'll forget. i can't remember much lately...my mind is always wandering and sometimes i wonder if i'll forget you. i know i can't....but it worries and scares me. i try so hard to be strong and i don't know when i am and when i'm not. nights are the hardest. i look next to me and you're not there. i've left your side of the bed tucked in....i know that's how you'd like it. i sleep with the teddy bear you gave me 6 years ago every night. sometimes i hold him so tight it's almost like i'm holding you. lately i wake up four or five times and realize you're not there and feel the tears well and cry and then i try to fall back asleep. i'm sorry i couldn't save you. i'm sorry for all the stupid things i got mad about. you were the best man, the best husband, and my very best friend. now that you're gone i realize everything you did for us....i wish i would have said thank you more. i wish i would have held on a little tighter so that you knew just how deep my love goes. i go to the cemetary often...most of the time i'd love to curl up and sleep next to you again. i can't believe your birthday is this saturday. i don't know how to get through it. one foot in front of the other...that's what you always said--and you'd be there to catch me when i fall. i feel like i keep falling, over and over, and praying that you'll just turn up and this will all be a very very bad dream. i'd give anything and do anything to have you back. i know you know this. i'm sorry if i didn't tell you enough that i love you or if you didn't feel it every minute of every day. this place that i'm in makes me doubt everything and i'm scared you may not know just how much i love you. i miss the way you'd reach for my hand...the kiss on the way to work and when we'd see each other after a long day...the walks with maya...the crazy things we did together and the way you'd always make me feel like the only person in the whole world....how you'd do your bobby voice to make me laugh when i had nothing left to give...how you'd rub my back and take care of me...the mac and cheese dinners...how willing you always are to be and do whatever i needed or wanted...i miss you. just you. i miss your laugh and your safe arms the most....how you'd protect us and how happy you always are. i love you, monkey. i miss you so much. it hurts to breathe. it hurts to keep moving. it hurts to wake up and find that you're not there. it hurts to go home to an empty house. i keep trying to remember the best memories we've shared. please, never let me forget them.....please, never ever let me forget the sound of your voice or how happy we were. please never let me forget.
there is an ache in my heart....next a huge hole....a hole that wasn't there just two weeks ago. i know you're here, everyone keeps telling me that, but it still hurts. today i found myself pleading with God to bring you back. i know it can't and won't happen but i want it more than you could ever know. i know i'm not the only one hurting, i know everyone loved you, i just feel so alone on this journey. a place where you'd always be beside me...now i can't feel you or see you or hear you laugh. all the things i loved so much i am so terrified i'll forget. i can't remember much lately...my mind is always wandering and sometimes i wonder if i'll forget you. i know i can't....but it worries and scares me. i try so hard to be strong and i don't know when i am and when i'm not. nights are the hardest. i look next to me and you're not there. i've left your side of the bed tucked in....i know that's how you'd like it. i sleep with the teddy bear you gave me 6 years ago every night. sometimes i hold him so tight it's almost like i'm holding you. lately i wake up four or five times and realize you're not there and feel the tears well and cry and then i try to fall back asleep. i'm sorry i couldn't save you. i'm sorry for all the stupid things i got mad about. you were the best man, the best husband, and my very best friend. now that you're gone i realize everything you did for us....i wish i would have said thank you more. i wish i would have held on a little tighter so that you knew just how deep my love goes. i go to the cemetary often...most of the time i'd love to curl up and sleep next to you again. i can't believe your birthday is this saturday. i don't know how to get through it. one foot in front of the other...that's what you always said--and you'd be there to catch me when i fall. i feel like i keep falling, over and over, and praying that you'll just turn up and this will all be a very very bad dream. i'd give anything and do anything to have you back. i know you know this. i'm sorry if i didn't tell you enough that i love you or if you didn't feel it every minute of every day. this place that i'm in makes me doubt everything and i'm scared you may not know just how much i love you. i miss the way you'd reach for my hand...the kiss on the way to work and when we'd see each other after a long day...the walks with maya...the crazy things we did together and the way you'd always make me feel like the only person in the whole world....how you'd do your bobby voice to make me laugh when i had nothing left to give...how you'd rub my back and take care of me...the mac and cheese dinners...how willing you always are to be and do whatever i needed or wanted...i miss you. just you. i miss your laugh and your safe arms the most....how you'd protect us and how happy you always are. i love you, monkey. i miss you so much. it hurts to breathe. it hurts to keep moving. it hurts to wake up and find that you're not there. it hurts to go home to an empty house. i keep trying to remember the best memories we've shared. please, never let me forget them.....please, never ever let me forget the sound of your voice or how happy we were. please never let me forget.
.A Eulogy.
Never in a million years did I think I'd be delivering one of these...especially not for my husband...and especially not at 24....but I did...and here it is.
Sat. June 27, 2009
At my bridal shower I was lucky enough to receive some good advice and it said, always be each other’s best friend. Chris and I took that advice quite literally our entire relationship. I met Chris six years ago, never expecting to be here today. He was everything I ever needed or wanted and all in one person. I love his laugh, the way his whole heart seemed to smile when he was happy, and his gentle touch. He always reminded me to put myself in another’s shoes before judging and he saw me through the best and the worst moments I’ve ever had….in fact, he gave me my best moments each and every day.
I never truly understood what they meant when they said you only get this kind of love once. I do now. This kind of love means hard work…Chris always gave everything he had to our relationship and our family. This kind of love means sacrifice. Chris knew what it meant to give and take and never forgot to kiss me goodnight or say I love you over and over. If you asked me how many times a day we told each other we loved each other, I would have surely lost count by mid morning.
Chris was a private person mostly and found himself most comfortable observing but once he opened up to you he shared his witty jokes and his love freely. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it and he’d hold you close to his heart when you were going through a rough patch. He considered Jill, Brett, Greg, Amanda, Clare, John Hoppe, Jenny, Sandy, John Salzman, and Jon Blevins his best friends and cared so much about each of them. He often talked about all the things we’d all do together…whether it be getting together for a cookout or to go the races or even to go the dells. He had big dreams for each of you and he’d want you to remember that he’ll be there every step of the way. When you feel a soft wind cross your cheek, I guarantee you that it will be him. He comes sweetly and lovingly and will guide you down this path and you will never be alone.
Chris promised me that I’d never be alone and while he is no longer in this world, I know he is here. He is a man of his word and will hold to that promise until I can reach him in paradise. He strived to be the best man he could, one very much like his dad. When I was sick he offered to cut my pills in half, telling me he always saw his dad do this for his mom and it made him feel like he was taking care of me. He mowed our lawn, took care of household things I never even got to think about because it was already done, and never once complained…well, except when it was 20 degrees below zero and he came in wind burned from the cold.
I consider myself to be the lucky one. Out of the millions of people in the world, Chris chose me to share his life with…to be his partner. He looked at me on December 6, 2006 and asked me to marry him. This may not have gone as we planned but with us, it never did and we always got through it together. He carried me when I couldn’t walk alone and he held me when I was afraid. I will miss his hug and touch and the way he’d look at me from across the room. We surely didn’t have a fairy tale romance but we had an every day romance and some people never experience this kind of feeling. I am lucky enough to have had it 6 years.
I’d like to ask a few things of each of you…please, don’t take this life for granted. You only get one and luckily Chris made the best of it. I’m sure there are things we’d all like to change and Chris will be there to help us through those changes. So if it’s quitting smoking or volunteering your time or being more aware of helping others...make sure this one life is your best. Please hold on a little tighter to those you love, you never know when those arms won’t surround you or when you have to say goodbye but if you make the most of it all and you are gracious and thank those who mean the world to you, certainly you will have lived your life in the same way Chris did. Please think twice about what makes you mad—when this minute passes you will never have it back again…that is why Chris was never mad for very long.
Father Schuster, I need you to know that Chris looked up to you and loved every word you ever said. You have been a great source of strength to both of us and I don’t know what I’d do without you there to help me through.
Steve, Ruth, Tom, Sherri, Ron, Cindy, Kristi, Al, Amy, Leo, and Ro…all of you helped shape Chris—you were all there to pick him up when he fell and you all loved him so much that he was able to share his love and life with the world. Know he loved you all and even now, I know he is holding us in his warm embrace.
Hayden, Victoria, Jack, and Lexi—The four of you made him so very happy. He loved to lift you sky high and talk to you about anything and everything. The baseball games, chuck e cheese trips, and his ability to be all of your jungle gyms at any given time made him smile from ear to ear. I hope you always remember him and know just how much he loved you.
Martha, Bob, LaVerne & Joe—Some of his most favorite memories were spent with you. He could never bear the thought of losing any of you which is part of the reason I know you all meant the world to him. Just remember all of your wonderful memories and please know he loved you more than any words could say. He was your grandson and no one can ever take that away from you.
Bob, Therese, and Matt-I want you to know that he loved all of you before he ever loved me and because of you, he was the most amazing husband I could have ever asked for.
To my wonderful Christopher….my monkey…my everything….. I take comfort knowing you didn’t suffer or hurt for long and that you were my partner in this life. I will take care of you and our family every day until we meet again. Remember always, I love you from here to the moon. I’ll see you again my love…and until then I’ll take it minute by minute and hour by hour but I know you’ll be right here beside me, even if I can’t see you. My greatest accomplishment in this life was becoming Mrs. Christopher Brey.
Sat. June 27, 2009
At my bridal shower I was lucky enough to receive some good advice and it said, always be each other’s best friend. Chris and I took that advice quite literally our entire relationship. I met Chris six years ago, never expecting to be here today. He was everything I ever needed or wanted and all in one person. I love his laugh, the way his whole heart seemed to smile when he was happy, and his gentle touch. He always reminded me to put myself in another’s shoes before judging and he saw me through the best and the worst moments I’ve ever had….in fact, he gave me my best moments each and every day.
I never truly understood what they meant when they said you only get this kind of love once. I do now. This kind of love means hard work…Chris always gave everything he had to our relationship and our family. This kind of love means sacrifice. Chris knew what it meant to give and take and never forgot to kiss me goodnight or say I love you over and over. If you asked me how many times a day we told each other we loved each other, I would have surely lost count by mid morning.
Chris was a private person mostly and found himself most comfortable observing but once he opened up to you he shared his witty jokes and his love freely. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it and he’d hold you close to his heart when you were going through a rough patch. He considered Jill, Brett, Greg, Amanda, Clare, John Hoppe, Jenny, Sandy, John Salzman, and Jon Blevins his best friends and cared so much about each of them. He often talked about all the things we’d all do together…whether it be getting together for a cookout or to go the races or even to go the dells. He had big dreams for each of you and he’d want you to remember that he’ll be there every step of the way. When you feel a soft wind cross your cheek, I guarantee you that it will be him. He comes sweetly and lovingly and will guide you down this path and you will never be alone.
Chris promised me that I’d never be alone and while he is no longer in this world, I know he is here. He is a man of his word and will hold to that promise until I can reach him in paradise. He strived to be the best man he could, one very much like his dad. When I was sick he offered to cut my pills in half, telling me he always saw his dad do this for his mom and it made him feel like he was taking care of me. He mowed our lawn, took care of household things I never even got to think about because it was already done, and never once complained…well, except when it was 20 degrees below zero and he came in wind burned from the cold.
I consider myself to be the lucky one. Out of the millions of people in the world, Chris chose me to share his life with…to be his partner. He looked at me on December 6, 2006 and asked me to marry him. This may not have gone as we planned but with us, it never did and we always got through it together. He carried me when I couldn’t walk alone and he held me when I was afraid. I will miss his hug and touch and the way he’d look at me from across the room. We surely didn’t have a fairy tale romance but we had an every day romance and some people never experience this kind of feeling. I am lucky enough to have had it 6 years.
I’d like to ask a few things of each of you…please, don’t take this life for granted. You only get one and luckily Chris made the best of it. I’m sure there are things we’d all like to change and Chris will be there to help us through those changes. So if it’s quitting smoking or volunteering your time or being more aware of helping others...make sure this one life is your best. Please hold on a little tighter to those you love, you never know when those arms won’t surround you or when you have to say goodbye but if you make the most of it all and you are gracious and thank those who mean the world to you, certainly you will have lived your life in the same way Chris did. Please think twice about what makes you mad—when this minute passes you will never have it back again…that is why Chris was never mad for very long.
Father Schuster, I need you to know that Chris looked up to you and loved every word you ever said. You have been a great source of strength to both of us and I don’t know what I’d do without you there to help me through.
Steve, Ruth, Tom, Sherri, Ron, Cindy, Kristi, Al, Amy, Leo, and Ro…all of you helped shape Chris—you were all there to pick him up when he fell and you all loved him so much that he was able to share his love and life with the world. Know he loved you all and even now, I know he is holding us in his warm embrace.
Hayden, Victoria, Jack, and Lexi—The four of you made him so very happy. He loved to lift you sky high and talk to you about anything and everything. The baseball games, chuck e cheese trips, and his ability to be all of your jungle gyms at any given time made him smile from ear to ear. I hope you always remember him and know just how much he loved you.
Martha, Bob, LaVerne & Joe—Some of his most favorite memories were spent with you. He could never bear the thought of losing any of you which is part of the reason I know you all meant the world to him. Just remember all of your wonderful memories and please know he loved you more than any words could say. He was your grandson and no one can ever take that away from you.
Bob, Therese, and Matt-I want you to know that he loved all of you before he ever loved me and because of you, he was the most amazing husband I could have ever asked for.
To my wonderful Christopher….my monkey…my everything….. I take comfort knowing you didn’t suffer or hurt for long and that you were my partner in this life. I will take care of you and our family every day until we meet again. Remember always, I love you from here to the moon. I’ll see you again my love…and until then I’ll take it minute by minute and hour by hour but I know you’ll be right here beside me, even if I can’t see you. My greatest accomplishment in this life was becoming Mrs. Christopher Brey.
Blog....really?
I'm not entirely sure what brought me here...a cathartic need for expression perhaps...a wandering mind...a thought that perhaps this would reach someone who just needed it at the time. Perhaps I could digress about why exactly I'm here....
I'm a widow. And I miss my husband.
He died June 24, 2009 unexpectedly in our home from an asthma attack...28 years old. There I was, screaming at the top of my lungs, calling 911, and watching life as I knew it end before I ever got the chance to say goodbye. I never did get to talk to my wonderful Christopher before he left this earth. It all happened very quickly and right after we woke up that Wednesday morning. The mind is a complex thing...you remember some things and not others. I remember finding him--a picture that sometimes haunts me....but mostly I remember our wonderful love. Our beautiful life and marriage...even if it only lasted 14 months.
I met Chris when I was 18...we were together 6 years before he died. 6 years and 3 days to be exact. He quickly took my heart by surprise and put himself in a permanent place--he was, as I would later describe to my friends, the staying kind. We certainly had our rough patches and he never left...he stayed always by my side--even when I would have completely understood if he decided to go.
Best friends. Confidants. Partners. A Team. Lovers. Dreamers. Faithful. Content. Happy. Those are just some of the things we were....and I miss them every day.
I am able to see a light at the end of the tunnel...how far away it seems varies by the day. This is normal or so they say. Most of the time I feel crazy...again, they say this is normal, too. I think "normal" is such a strange word. Really--isn't normal different for everyone. Who even gets to say what is normal and what isn't--it is an opinion after all, right? Things happen in life and your heart protects you--how it does it is different for everyone...the trauma one goes through when you lose it all in the matter of moments is indescribable. It sucks you in and even you don't know if it will ever let you out...but you have hope...and it lives in the depths of your soul, and it sees you through.
Some of my entries are from the very beginning...there is change in them as the days pass. Time does not stop for me--even when I plead with God to please let me push the pause button...so, for now, this is how I manage to get through the days...
I'm a widow. And I miss my husband.
He died June 24, 2009 unexpectedly in our home from an asthma attack...28 years old. There I was, screaming at the top of my lungs, calling 911, and watching life as I knew it end before I ever got the chance to say goodbye. I never did get to talk to my wonderful Christopher before he left this earth. It all happened very quickly and right after we woke up that Wednesday morning. The mind is a complex thing...you remember some things and not others. I remember finding him--a picture that sometimes haunts me....but mostly I remember our wonderful love. Our beautiful life and marriage...even if it only lasted 14 months.
I met Chris when I was 18...we were together 6 years before he died. 6 years and 3 days to be exact. He quickly took my heart by surprise and put himself in a permanent place--he was, as I would later describe to my friends, the staying kind. We certainly had our rough patches and he never left...he stayed always by my side--even when I would have completely understood if he decided to go.
Best friends. Confidants. Partners. A Team. Lovers. Dreamers. Faithful. Content. Happy. Those are just some of the things we were....and I miss them every day.
I am able to see a light at the end of the tunnel...how far away it seems varies by the day. This is normal or so they say. Most of the time I feel crazy...again, they say this is normal, too. I think "normal" is such a strange word. Really--isn't normal different for everyone. Who even gets to say what is normal and what isn't--it is an opinion after all, right? Things happen in life and your heart protects you--how it does it is different for everyone...the trauma one goes through when you lose it all in the matter of moments is indescribable. It sucks you in and even you don't know if it will ever let you out...but you have hope...and it lives in the depths of your soul, and it sees you through.
Some of my entries are from the very beginning...there is change in them as the days pass. Time does not stop for me--even when I plead with God to please let me push the pause button...so, for now, this is how I manage to get through the days...
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