.An Ache In My Heart.

7/7/09


there is an ache in my heart....next a huge hole....a hole that wasn't there just two weeks ago. i know you're here, everyone keeps telling me that, but it still hurts. today i found myself pleading with God to bring you back. i know it can't and won't happen but i want it more than you could ever know. i know i'm not the only one hurting, i know everyone loved you, i just feel so alone on this journey. a place where you'd always be beside me...now i can't feel you or see you or hear you laugh. all the things i loved so much i am so terrified i'll forget. i can't remember much lately...my mind is always wandering and sometimes i wonder if i'll forget you. i know i can't....but it worries and scares me. i try so hard to be strong and i don't know when i am and when i'm not. nights are the hardest. i look next to me and you're not there. i've left your side of the bed tucked in....i know that's how you'd like it. i sleep with the teddy bear you gave me 6 years ago every night. sometimes i hold him so tight it's almost like i'm holding you. lately i wake up four or five times and realize you're not there and feel the tears well and cry and then i try to fall back asleep. i'm sorry i couldn't save you. i'm sorry for all the stupid things i got mad about. you were the best man, the best husband, and my very best friend. now that you're gone i realize everything you did for us....i wish i would have said thank you more. i wish i would have held on a little tighter so that you knew just how deep my love goes. i go to the cemetary often...most of the time i'd love to curl up and sleep next to you again. i can't believe your birthday is this saturday. i don't know how to get through it. one foot in front of the other...that's what you always said--and you'd be there to catch me when i fall. i feel like i keep falling, over and over, and praying that you'll just turn up and this will all be a very very bad dream. i'd give anything and do anything to have you back. i know you know this. i'm sorry if i didn't tell you enough that i love you or if you didn't feel it every minute of every day. this place that i'm in makes me doubt everything and i'm scared you may not know just how much i love you. i miss the way you'd reach for my hand...the kiss on the way to work and when we'd see each other after a long day...the walks with maya...the crazy things we did together and the way you'd always make me feel like the only person in the whole world....how you'd do your bobby voice to make me laugh when i had nothing left to give...how you'd rub my back and take care of me...the mac and cheese dinners...how willing you always are to be and do whatever i needed or wanted...i miss you. just you. i miss your laugh and your safe arms the most....how you'd protect us and how happy you always are. i love you, monkey. i miss you so much. it hurts to breathe. it hurts to keep moving. it hurts to wake up and find that you're not there. it hurts to go home to an empty house. i keep trying to remember the best memories we've shared. please, never let me forget them.....please, never ever let me forget the sound of your voice or how happy we were. please never let me forget.