.True.

Words have weight. Some people don't take them seriously enough. For instance, I've seen more people say wedding vows and not take them seriously in the last year than I should have. I've seen promises broken. I've seen rules bend. I've seen people give excuses instead of taking accountability. I've seen hearts break. I've even felt it myself. But it doesn't stop anyone from doing it....it doesn't stop people from promising things they don't have in them to give or from making a decision they know isn't right for them. We so badly want to convince ourselves that this is the life we planned for ourselves when sometimes, it's just not and it's even okay that it's not. It's okay that he isn't the one for you....even if you do like his paycheck....and it's okay if you can't be at every girl scout meeting, school play, piano recital, and school function that ever existed for your kids--I assure you there will be more...and it's okay if you have to say no more than you say yes sometimes. Sometimes, it's enough to be true to yourself so you can be true to others.

That also means knowing when you've changed and when the people you love just don't fit anymore. That's okay too...easier to know that than to try to force a square peg into a round hole. It's beautiful if we can grow together, but sometimes we just can't....and then it is best to know if it is time to move on or keep trying when we all know it's a lost cause. Sometimes it's okay to know that and walk away...sometimes, it's even better than okay.

Nothing is perfect and the perfect situation will rarely fall into your lap, but there are the unique moments when it does happen, and then--we need to be prepared....you know, for that amazing moment when everything you've waited for and every true-to-yourself moment has paid off....the moment when you can look yourself in the mirror and know that the person staring back is someone worth knowing, loving, and being....

.Eighteen Months.

Time is relative. Today is Christmas Eve, 18 months after I lost the love the life, and I am now approaching my second Christmas without him. It doesn't feel that long....in fact, it barely feels like this should be my second Christmas without him. And here I am, missing the person who made every part of my life better and it is difficult not to cry....but that is all part of the process. That's what they will tell you at least. I remember asking when this gets better.....and everyone says in time....but there are still these hard days that will always exist. 

Time has made things a bit easier....I don't cry every day but I think of him every single day. Now I think of the memories we have instead of the time we've lost but there are still days like today, when he would have been 30, and I reflect on the life we might have had by now....maybe a baby or maybe planning our third anniversary trip or maybe another cozy year as just us. Either way, we would have had something....anything....and it would have filled our hearts with joy. I try not to let myself go down that path all too often, only because it is difficult to consider all the plans we had made actually happening. So, yes, time has made things a bit easier but it never takes away the pain....it just puts it in a different place.

As I've watched myself change in the last 18 months, I've learned that emotions are difficult to control and grief never stops--it just changes direction. I am far less angry now than I was then but I still have days when I find myself arguing with God about how unfair it is....funny thing is that He knows it's unfair, but He trusted me with this because He needed our beautiful Christopher....and while I've accepted that this is my life now and part of me, I still struggle with the "why" and the "when will I see him again" part. All the selfish things that I think might bring me comfort and closure but I have no guarantees of that either. I have right here and right now....and that's all I know for sure....that he loved me with his whole heart and that every night when we'd stay up into the early hours of the morning, knowing we both had to work the next morning, but just deep in conversation that our marriage was built on the grounds of honesty, communication, and trust....and what a beautiful gift that is.

So, yes, today you might find tears running down my face but it's just a side effect of loving someone so much that I miss him more than I could put into words. 

But know this, above all else, I am in the best place I've been in a very long time.....my heart has come a long way from the many shattered pieces that once laid in chaos on the floor. I have let my heart open again to absolutely everything....I laugh and I have a heart full of hope that there are going to be even better moments coming for me....and I'm ready for all of that....but, for today, I'm going to miss him, think about him, remember him, and love him....because, there isn't another place in the world that my heart would be today...and that, my friends, is enough....it's just enough.

.Lost.

I thought today would be better. Hoped for it too. I re-certified my CPR license today. While people in my office were laughing at the bad acting of these real-life situations, I was reliving it in my heart. I was there when he died. I tried. I couldn't call 9-1-1 and do cpr at the very same time so I rushed to get help and came back....but they fail to tell you that the dispatcher will keep you on the phone for at least 10 minutes before you can do anything. I tried hanging up on her. She called back. If I had one more person or more time it might have made a difference but it's too late now and it doesn't change that he's gone....but every time we do this I feel that stab at my heart where those memories still live, and I re-open wounds that run deep and I can feel the blood pour out...except, it's more like tears streaming down my face. 

It's not fair. All this remembering. Every day a sign or a challenge or something that was his, reminds me of him, or sounds like him. Everyone promised it would get better....it would be easier....but it's just not. Why have I spent so much time and energy rebuilding only to be reminded of what I've lost every day? Why are the holidays the hardest and when will they get easier? Why did God give me this cross to carry? Why did He pick me? I just don't understand.

Just because I put my brave face on doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt every day and just because you don't see me cry doesn't mean that I don't. Just because I smile and laugh doesn't mean that I'm fixed. Every night half of my bed is still empty and every day I still wait for him to come home...but all I'm doing is waiting.....

And yeah, I tell people I'm okay because I am most of the time but I'm also not okay some of the time and no one really wants to be there when you're not your greatest self. No one wants to hold you while you cry because that's the deep stuff. The stuff that so many people shy away from....because they're scared, they don't know what to say, and they don't want to be the ones who send you off the deep end....but every once in a while you just need a hand to help you up off the ground....because, sometimes, this load is too heavy to carry on your own. 

So, this is me, reaching....

.Just Another Day.

The hard days still come....the days when I miss being someone's and when I miss the content feeling of comfortable happiness. I wish I could say I was immune by now but even thinking that is foolish and idealistic. Life doesn't hand you experience without the pain. I guess that's why, even now, it still burns when I get too close to the flame. 

Life goes on....it's true. Time never stopped for me as much as I begged it to some days....but it has given me a pace in which I am able to keep up most of the time....except for days like today when I found myself at the bank, troubleshooting a check made out to my husband a year and a half later, that I didn't expect. The worst is explaining it all from the beginning to people who didn't know our story....just the sad ending. I, of course, didn't have time to explain to the woman from the state that our life was filled with love and joy and that his smile made my heart beat faster and that he would text me throughout the day, every day, to let me know how I loved I am...and that he was the kindest, gentlest man you'd ever meet....that he took care of me and tried harder than anyone else I've ever known. No, I didn't get to explain that to her, or the member services representative who asked me a million questions on why I never became personal representative. I never had to...and in the midst of a funeral and putting my life back together at 24, it never became a priority.

But it happens, at the most unexpected moments....and you do the best you can to wait until you get to the car to cry or you put your brave face on until you're in the comfort of people who love you where you can break down and they will still understand. 

I still see him....his curly hair and freckles. I remember his cold nose as he'd kiss me goodbye after blowing out our driveway. He told me that every morning he prayed to God to protect me....his family....and to let him come home each night. I remember the rare chance that I would catch him leaving as he blew a kiss goodbye and how we often wished we could spend these snowy, cold, blustery days curled up in bed together....when we both knew we'd find ourselves quite bored by 10:30 and would be up doing other things. I still remember his hands--they were always a bit dry, especially in the winter....but they always reached for mine. 

It's great to remember but with the remembering comes the harsh jab of loneliness....and, for me, the loneliness often brings tears....but I think that's okay....means I'm human....that I have a heart that feels the highest highs and lowest lows at any given moment....and that I'm real....I have bad days just like everyone else. But I'm a little bit stronger for it....and sometimes, the best thing about experience is about knowing when to call it a night and hope that tomorrow will be better.

.Messy.

You can't have everything.....but you can love what you have. That is something I've learned the hard way too many times. The unfortunate part is that some people convince themselves they love what they have and that they're happy, when everyone sees right through it. Being miserable is a choice....one that too many people choose for all the wrong reasons.

I used to think that people could see the messes they were in....I'm certain now that some people just keep adding to it....for fear that they will have to start over from scratch and well, who really wants to do that? No one. Someday, though, we all meet our crossroads--you know, the one where we have to make a choice and go left or right, not on the same straight, worn and beaten path. The hard part is we never know when someday is here....and often, we miss it--we let ourselves get caught up in daily life....in everything that got us in the mess in the first place and then what....where do we go from there? I don't know the answer to that. I've, thankfully, spent the last nearly 18 months staring every crossroad in the face and used them all to make me better. Sometimes it didn't work and I found myself back a few steps, but it was inevitable that I would meet those crossroads again, at a better time, when I knew myself enough to know my own limitations. It's a beautiful thing when you know where you stand.....with yourself. 

I know a few things for certain...you get what you give.....you don't know what you've got until it's gone....and sometimes we hold on for far too long to the things we should have let go and other times we let go of the things we should have held on to. Life is made up of trial and error, decisions, and the thought that we do the best we can. It doesn't mean it's easy or fair all of the time....just that our best judgment is all we can count on. I think we hold ourselves to high expectations and rarely let ourselves off the hook when our needs change. We try to mold our needs to our wants and sometimes they just don't fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. Sometimes things change for a good reason....and sometimes we have to modify our plans so that something better can come along......but it's all about timing and knowing when we are ready for that change....and then, embracing that change is even scarier than just staring it in the face. 

But, here I am, knowing that I'm better for having gone through every rough patch and for having been hurt for no reason by a lot of different people at a lot of different times....and I refuse to let myself become bitter for things outside of my own control. You have to take the good with the bad...nothing in this world has ever survived without both.

.Reflection.

I lost a friend today. By no fault of my own....or his. Insecurities from someone else who, I thought, knew me well enough to know the kind of person I am....yet she drove this decision....in good faith that she was protecting what was hers...and here I sit, a little emptier for it.....by no fault of my own....because her poor decisions brought paranoia and worry to the forefront. 

I often wonder how people com to conclusions about things they know little about. No one knows the depth of my heart except for me and while I've always been straight forward on where I stand with everyone, people still second guess, doubt, and believe whatever it is that they want. Removing me from the situation won't make you any happier and it won't solve any of your problems. I was never one of them to begin with. It will, though, make you feel like you did something and if that's what you're looking for, I think you picked the wrong something.

I am disappointed, hurt, and upset, too, that he didn't stand up for me. I'm a great friend--he knows the kind of person I am--but apparently it means little when faced between a rock and a hard place. I have learned the hard way that I am replaceable....which is almost as hard to swallow as losing a friend by no fault of my own. I'd like to think that if I was faced with the same situation that I would fight for the people and things I love and that I would be respected for it. 

I know things are more complicated....that it's not just black and white or cut and dried but sometimes I wonder how we end up here....looking selfishness in the face and I wonder how I've drawn the short end on both sides of the stick. I keep telling myself it's okay in hopes that soon enough, I'll start believing it.

It's hard to find a silver lining in all of this. I'm trying to find one--that maybe it will send them back on the upswing or maybe it will halt the downward spiral or maybe it will make them happy again...maybe. All I know is that it better be worth something because I'd hate to have been hurt for no good reason.

So, now is the part where I pray for patience and acceptance as I become a spectator in a life that I care about. I have stayed true to myself and for that, I am thankful....I have nothing to be ashamed of....and while none of that means anything to her, I know that I can look myself in the mirror and I'll sleep just fine tonight.

.Live.

My best friend and I got to talking about dying last night....more specifically, what would happen if we died? Who would come to our funerals? Would anyone miss us? Who would take care of our homes and the pieces of our lives? What would happen to our pictures and would people have memories they'd hold on to for the rest of their lives? 

It wasn't discussed in a depressing, morbid kind of way...more of, what can we do now to ensure that when that final date goes on our tombstone that we didn't miss out on anything--that we lived with our whole hearts and our whole lives. I don't know that there's a formula for living well--just that you should try each day....and I'm not sure that once we get to Heaven, it will all even matter. In fact, I know it won't. I think, now, about the things I would miss from earth....while I also realize that once I'm there I will likely not miss a single thing, instead, I will be able to check in on those very people and things I so love now. 

I don't know what it's like to die and I don't know what Heaven is like but I do know what it's like to live. I know what it's like to feel the blood pump through my veins when I'm excited, nervous, or have something amazing happening. I know what it's like to see a beautiful sunrise and a breathtaking sunset. I've seen parts of the world and I've left my footprints there. I've loved deeply. I've fallen and gotten back up. I've been hurt and I've been unconditionally. I've gotten in stupid fights, meaningful fights, and I've found the true healing in forgiveness. I've rocked babies to sleep and I've worked hard. I've gotten on my knees and prayed and Iv'e heard and seen God answer back.

So much of living is in the little every day things that we often find ourselves frustrated, exhausted, and over-run with. So much of it is the way we appreciate people and how we treat them....how we carry ourselves and how we bounce back from the bottom. It's days like these when I realize so much of living is in the loving.

.Maybe.....Maybe Not.

It's been a while since my heart felt compelled to write. Truth is, I've spread myself a bit thinner than I would like and I'm trying to find the balance again. Trying, at least, to carve out some time for myself among the time for everyone and everything else I've committed too. It's been a challenge and a blessing all at the same time.

I have been more aware of my surroundings lately, especially with the holidays upon us. Thanksgiving this year was harder than last, for a number of reasons I'm sure....but somehow, they don't really matter except that my heart hurts and notices now, more than ever, the emptiness that still lingers. Things feel less joyful than ever before and while I have a desire to break out the Christmas tree this year, the act of taking it out of the box and putting the ornaments on it seem treacherous. I planned to put lights outside this year but I've yet to get them down from storage and am still searching for the motivation to tackle them....and maybe it's baby steps--one thing at a time....maybe the tree and the interior is enough for this year, maybe it's a step to redecorating the interior of my own heart while I'm at it. Maybe. And maybe it's just one of those things that will come over me and I will do out of the blue. Maybe.

Life is made up of a whole lot of maybes. I think it's why people are so scared of commitment. Maybe it won't work. Maybe it won't be what I was hoping for. Maybe it'll be too much of a good thing. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe if we stopped over thinking it and committed to what makes us happy then maybe we'd get the maybe that made all the difference. Believe me, I know that's a lot of 'maybe's' but I often wonder if I'm the only one who thinks about....I wonder if I'm the only girl in the universe who doesn't wonder how some people are so blissfully happy while others are so miserably unhappy. I'd love a balance of both.....maybe it's even myself who says maybe too much.....or maybe my over-committing is my downfall. I will say yes to just about anyone for just about anything. See, there's a fine line for both--saying yes too much and then saying no entirely too much too. There must be a balance I haven't achieved yet. I continually try to find it but I've got some work to do.

For now, though, I'll work on a few less maybes and a few more definites....even if it just one more no that gives me five extra minutes a day....it's five minutes that I will surely take.