.Lost.

I thought today would be better. Hoped for it too. I re-certified my CPR license today. While people in my office were laughing at the bad acting of these real-life situations, I was reliving it in my heart. I was there when he died. I tried. I couldn't call 9-1-1 and do cpr at the very same time so I rushed to get help and came back....but they fail to tell you that the dispatcher will keep you on the phone for at least 10 minutes before you can do anything. I tried hanging up on her. She called back. If I had one more person or more time it might have made a difference but it's too late now and it doesn't change that he's gone....but every time we do this I feel that stab at my heart where those memories still live, and I re-open wounds that run deep and I can feel the blood pour out...except, it's more like tears streaming down my face. 

It's not fair. All this remembering. Every day a sign or a challenge or something that was his, reminds me of him, or sounds like him. Everyone promised it would get better....it would be easier....but it's just not. Why have I spent so much time and energy rebuilding only to be reminded of what I've lost every day? Why are the holidays the hardest and when will they get easier? Why did God give me this cross to carry? Why did He pick me? I just don't understand.

Just because I put my brave face on doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt every day and just because you don't see me cry doesn't mean that I don't. Just because I smile and laugh doesn't mean that I'm fixed. Every night half of my bed is still empty and every day I still wait for him to come home...but all I'm doing is waiting.....

And yeah, I tell people I'm okay because I am most of the time but I'm also not okay some of the time and no one really wants to be there when you're not your greatest self. No one wants to hold you while you cry because that's the deep stuff. The stuff that so many people shy away from....because they're scared, they don't know what to say, and they don't want to be the ones who send you off the deep end....but every once in a while you just need a hand to help you up off the ground....because, sometimes, this load is too heavy to carry on your own. 

So, this is me, reaching....