.Reflection.

I lost a friend today. By no fault of my own....or his. Insecurities from someone else who, I thought, knew me well enough to know the kind of person I am....yet she drove this decision....in good faith that she was protecting what was hers...and here I sit, a little emptier for it.....by no fault of my own....because her poor decisions brought paranoia and worry to the forefront. 

I often wonder how people com to conclusions about things they know little about. No one knows the depth of my heart except for me and while I've always been straight forward on where I stand with everyone, people still second guess, doubt, and believe whatever it is that they want. Removing me from the situation won't make you any happier and it won't solve any of your problems. I was never one of them to begin with. It will, though, make you feel like you did something and if that's what you're looking for, I think you picked the wrong something.

I am disappointed, hurt, and upset, too, that he didn't stand up for me. I'm a great friend--he knows the kind of person I am--but apparently it means little when faced between a rock and a hard place. I have learned the hard way that I am replaceable....which is almost as hard to swallow as losing a friend by no fault of my own. I'd like to think that if I was faced with the same situation that I would fight for the people and things I love and that I would be respected for it. 

I know things are more complicated....that it's not just black and white or cut and dried but sometimes I wonder how we end up here....looking selfishness in the face and I wonder how I've drawn the short end on both sides of the stick. I keep telling myself it's okay in hopes that soon enough, I'll start believing it.

It's hard to find a silver lining in all of this. I'm trying to find one--that maybe it will send them back on the upswing or maybe it will halt the downward spiral or maybe it will make them happy again...maybe. All I know is that it better be worth something because I'd hate to have been hurt for no good reason.

So, now is the part where I pray for patience and acceptance as I become a spectator in a life that I care about. I have stayed true to myself and for that, I am thankful....I have nothing to be ashamed of....and while none of that means anything to her, I know that I can look myself in the mirror and I'll sleep just fine tonight.