super woman.

today i need five minutes. just five. to breathe and not be everyone else's person.

five minutes to take off this cape and not answer everyone's questions or the phone or emails or cover an extra person's responsibilities or put on my go-go gadget arms or take on the world.

i need just five.

to reset.

that's the thing about doing everything.....people expect it at some point. they expect that you'll always wear your cape and you'll always be there to keep things afloat and you'll always do it all.....except sometimes, I don't want to wear the cape. Sometimes, I don't want to have to save everyone else....sometimes I want to have my own super hero and I just don't know how to effectively communicate that in my professional and personal life.

life is always a balance but i feel, lately, like I'm always putting out fires or coming to someone's rescue. When do i get to be rescued? Maybe it's selfish to want that but I'm tired of always having to pick up the slack and run with it. while some things are out of a person's control and i understand, it doesn't change the fact that i'm just tired. and overwhelmed. and unappreciated. and mostly, i think i feel unappreciated because when everyone expects you to do everything because you've been doing it already, they don't think they need to say thank you. it's just what you do.

and that's how i get to the point where i need just five minutes....because this cape is tearing and fading and i need to get myself back together.

i've told my boss, my friends, my coworkers and everyone under the sun how overwhelmed i am. it's not that people don't know--in fact, i think they know a little too much at this point and probably think i'm whining and complaining....but i'm not. i'm really just that exhausted and overloaded.

so instead of assigning diagnosis pointers, assigning date of last xray, changing diagnosis codes and writing NONE in various insurance boxes, i took five minutes. for me. and the phone rang and i answered it. and patients came and i helped them. but i didn't let myself get lost in the technicalities for five minutes. i came here and i vented so that by the time patients start coming in this afternoon i will have had a moment or three to breathe and reflect.

i know i am blessed to have a job. even more blessed that it's not one where i'm digging ditches. but i'm human and i have feelings and that's okay, too.

it's okay to not want to be superwoman some days.

it's even more okay to just want to be olivia.

keep calm and carry on.

Tomorrow

This week held a lot of unknowns if I'm being honest. I got into a fight with my best friend--one I am still not sure we will recover from....I stood up for myself at work which is rare....I took a chance on trying something new and I tried like hell to let go of this frown I've been carrying. I would say I was about 80% successful on the last part but tonight I am still searching my smile and grasping for straws.

Love is a funny thing. It comes to you when you aren't looking. Even then it's questionable. Even then we spend time analyzing and overthinking situations and things. It is impossible for me to believe that love can come again. At least, right now it feels pretty impossible. I have grown to accept that this life....these dogs....and a business that I built from the very depths of myself are about all I have right now. In my attempts at letting love go I think I fell deeper without even realizing it.

I still get Scotland signs so consistently. I wonder what God is trying to say. I always find a way to tell myself He is saying not to give up. But let's be honest...he isn't going to write back to that letter I sent. In fact, he probably doesn't know that I exist. He might have once but you can't make someone love you and you certainly can't make someone like you. In the middle of realizing that I need to let go of the idea of a response I found myself saddened that I wasn't worth it. Truly, I wasn't mean or spiteful. I just needed to get it out. And to be acknowledged. But he probably does really think I'm crazy. I'm not sure. I just know that walking away is the most necessary action I can find. Signs or not, you can't go where you're not wanted. As much as I am dreaming of a London vacation, I'm terrified I'll run into him....and then what. Even the thought gives me false hope....so it's time to start walking before I find myself convinced that he never got my letter or he's still finding his words.

And then there's Mario. Man, I have been hard on him lately. But it's because I know the truth. His truth that he won't admit and keeps carrying. And it's because I let my guard down too much and he hurt me. He doesn't even know what he did but it has stayed with me for weeks. It has rocked me to the core and I am so very aware he has no idea. My heart can't take much more when it comes to his careless actions so I have to move on before it consumes me.

Moving on and letting go are harder than they look. Feelings can suffocate you if you're not careful and those same feelings can save you if you are brave enough to let them.

Today I'm not feeling very brave. At all.

But maybe I will feel it tomorrow.

And hopefully I'll surprise myself tomorrow.

stung.

gigantic sigh.

today has gotten the best of me. i feel so damn sad lately. and, even more, i feel defeated. i think everything came crashing on me today and i truly wish i had stayed in bed. you know the saying sometimes you're the dog and sometimes you're the hydrant.....today i am definitely not feeling like the dog. but i guess that's okay. i guess you need to get knocked down every once in a while so you get back up.

it's that getting knocked down part that's hard. it's feeling like no one notices or appreciates all you do or how hard you try...and it's knowing that picking and choosing your battles might be the hardest part of your day sometimes.

now i feel whiny. and that's so not attractive or like me. i think processing feelings and putting them in certain boxes is harder than it looks. in fact, i don't think many people give it much thought if they're not in it. but here i am, in it...trying to put my feelings in boxes and doing my best to hold it together. if we're being honest, i'm not doing a great job at that at all. and i'm tired of trying. just tired.

so here's to letting go and finding my joy again. i don't know where it's hiding but i've got to find it. i don't have a choice at this point. if i go any longer without it, i might fall apart and i just got myself back together.

that's the funny thing about this life. you hold on like hell and hope there's a net to catch you when you fall....but when you don't, it stings for a while....

so i guess i better start stringing a net beneath me....

because this sting is too much to bear.

conditional friends

if there are two things i despise it is avoidance and dishonesty.

i hate feeling like i'm not worth being honest to and, even more, that you'd rather change the subject than just tell me the truth. i don't understand why people feel the need to hide things. i have always been pretty transparent and believed in the idea that if you don't want people to know about it, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

at some point, there has to be a point when they get sick of dancing around the subject, too.....right??!

i shouldn't care. i mean it's not my life. but i'm not one of those people who can just shrug it off because it's not my life. i mean, if you're going to jump in front of a train, i'm not about to stand there and let you do it because it's YOUR life. when YOUR life starts impacting other people, it's probably time that you start listening and stop doing. you start practicing honesty and feelings and you stop avoiding and pretending so you don't have to answer for your decisions. that, my friends, is not okay.

and here i am wondering when honesty became a lost art. i've been known for my blunt honesty and you either love it or hate it but i don't know any other way to be. and i also don't know that i'd want to be any other way. there are hundreds of times in my life where i could have just told people what they wanted to hear but that's not doing any kind of service to anyone. if you want to know how i feel, i'll tell you. and if you don't, then don't ask :)

but, in all seriousness, i just hate feeling like i'm not worth your honesty or time. there are few things in friendship and relationships that i hold sacred and honesty and trust are the top two. maybe it's because i've been hurt and played before OR because i've also been the friend who was too scared to be honest at one point or another. i've been on both sides and i realize how much easier it is to just be who you are and not apologize for it later.

sigh.

i also realize i need to pick and choose my battles. you can't change people and getting upset will only do so much....but man, it's hard to just stand back and become a spectator in a life you care about. really hard.

and, truly, i am beyond grateful for the people who haven't avoided subjects and have always given me their full honesty and disclosure even when i don't want to hear it. those are the people i need to keep close in life...and i am reminded today that they are rare and wonderful and i'm thankful for that.

i don't do conditional friendship or love. i'm all in or all out and i will give until i cannot anymore.....and i guess that's why i hope for the same back. i am also very realistic in my need to let go of expectation. while all relationships are a two way street, people are not and you have to take the good with the bad i suppose. you can't love people in slices. but you can step back. and you can re-evaluate. and that is just what i plan on doing.

a mess of feelings.

i sat there today screaming inside. instead of actually screaming, i shut off. i quietly remained calm and avoided every "what's wrong" with a response that allowed me to avoid the feelings in my heart for as long as humanly possible...or 10 hours, whichever came first. i prayed you wouldn't see through me but i'm quite certain you did....or you really are that oblivious.

and i sat in my office and fought every urge to say what i am really thinking. and i decided, right then and there, that you are just a moment in time....that someday you'll leave and probably never think of me again and i need to start doing the same about you. and hope like hell that i can actually do it.

letting love go.

it seemed so much easier before this weekend. i don't know what happened....other than that i think i let my guard down a little too long and here i am....fighting to put it back up or that i finally admitted to myself everything i've been thinking and feeling. i'm not so sure where i stand with myself at the moment...just that i'm more confused than i've been in a while and trying so hard not to get lost in the shuffle.

sooooo

in the middle of editing a gazillion wedding photos, i'm just trying to put it all out of my head for a while and be thankful for the mass of confusion in my heart because it means i feel things....a lot of things....even when i just don't want to.

i would hate to go through life without feeling anything.....or to have the ability to just turn off my feelings and not care. i think it would make for a pretty boring ride. and i don't like boring.

and i'm trying not to wonder what he's doing tonight or who he might be with or if i even fit into the equation at all.....because worrying won't change a thing....and wondering is getting old. nobody is perfect and everyone needs something to believe in so i'm just going to believe in me at the moment....and focus on what i know for sure.....

that it'll all be better in the morning.

line in the sand

i could really go for a thunderstorm. it's amazing how much the weather can comfort someone.

i've had some crazy dreams lately....and i'm just feeling a bit down today. investing in people is hard. you never know if you're appreciated or cared about until it's often too late. sometimes i wonder if people realize how their actions and decisions can impact someone else.

i've always believed that guys and girls can't be friends forever. i still think that's true. at least, when it comes to my life. i've had many friends of the opposite sex who i've gotten close to.....and, unfortunately, i cannot stop the piece of myself that wants to marry my best friend....so when i get this close, it's hard to not want to cross that friend line....even when i know what's best for me.

so here i sit, fighting the feelings that seem to be haunting me and knowing the only way to to get through it is to stop spending time together, stop caring so much, and just stinking let go....but it's not that easy...not in any kind of matter of the heart. and yes, there are a hundred thousand movies and television shows that make me believe that giving up is not the right answer but there is so much of me that knows i cannot do this anymore.

the problem is that i cannot avoid him....and i absolutely should not have feelings....but i do.

and that is the hardest part about being friends with a man who makes you laugh and smile and infuriates you but makes it impossible to be mad at for long....because, at some point, someone has to draw a line in the sand and stick to it and since he isn't drawing, i will....and then i'll hope like hell that i can stick to my side of the line.

that's the tricky thing about love....investing in someone is far more dangerous than lusting after them. when you invest you care about their heart and you just want to see them happy....when you just want someone for their outside, you don't care as much about the rest. so now i'm trying to figure out how to "uninvest" if that's at all possible. for the record, i don't think it is.

and here i am, praying for rain and a bit of a comfort and peace for this heart tonight....

but even more, for the courage to stay behind my line.

making room.

it's been a few days since i've been here. honestly, i've been processing a lot of feelings and emotions.....here we go.

since letting love go almost two weeks ago, i feel such a gigantic weight lifted off my heart. it's the loss of expectation i think. it's not wondering if every new patient that walks into the clinic is single with decent health insurance. it's not reading into friendships and truly just taking it for what it is. it's also deciding that i'm enough on my own and that my company is valuable and my time is precious. it's amazing what a difference the mind frame switch is....it's more amazing how much less i worry or care about it. 

someone told me it is as if i've given up all hope...and i haven't. i've just decided that, for me, letting go is a lot easier than holding on like a vice grip. i would spend days and hours thinking about it....wondering where or when it would fit into my life and not trusting God or His plan. It's not like I don't or haven't believed He isn't finished with me yet....but I do believe I lost sight of it....I think I got so caught up in timing and making sure I was at the right place at the right time that I spent my entire heart betting on it and slowly broke my heart one piece at a time....and that can't happen anymore. 

i've got to save myself, too....and to do that i've got to love myself..and that's where I'm at. so it's not a ton of progress but the weight off my shoulders is enough to feel like it might be enough for now. 

that's the beautiful thing about letting go...you make room for the good stuff.....

and right now, i'm content making room.

silver linings and ruby slippers

sigh. this blog has been on my heart for a few days.....and i think i've finally found my words.

i have, lately, felt so incredibly unsure of my place in my own life. i've felt more than one kind of guilt over leaving my dogs for hours to pursue my dreams....i've been distracted, dropped the ball, been uninspired, and have felt left behind by a few people who i care about more than anything. in an attempt to not be clingy or needy, i've allowed myself the space to deal with it within my own heart and have, truthfully, cried more than i've laughed in the last week.

all that ugly stuff aside, i've truly found myself thankful for the many people who have stepped up recently and sensed my mood before i could actually verbalize the things i've been fighting. my heart has been so restless and my entire self has been exhausted....down to my core...but if i'm truly honest, i know i've brought on some of it myself. i've over scheduled my life in an attempt to just not deal with the hard stuff....because i'm tired of the hard stuff except it always catches up to you. in fact, i can tell you the many times I'VE told people that very sentiment.

i'm sure you're wondering if there's a silver lining because this has been pretty depressing thus far....and yes, there certainly is. for me, it wasn't a giant epiphany and nothing super happened to me....the silver lining has existed all along.....and i found it among the beautiful moments spent with my friends and family in the last 5ish days. i found it in my mom's comforting words and true love as she told me that the sun would, in fact, come out tomorrow. i found it among friends on a completely spontaneous friday night in a place that had a hand in pushing me into this funk a few weeks ago. i found it while i carried three lenses and directed a wedding couple into the photos of my career this last weekend. and, today, i found it in these 10 minutes between photos here at starbucks....it's like when Glinda tells Dorothy that she's had the power to go home all along.....it's how i feel about my silver lining. i have spent too much energy focusing on the things that will get me nowhere....and too little time focusing energy on the absolute wonderful and positive things in my life. that's a hard balance, friends....one that i wish i could tell you i've mastered....but after a hiccup in my business last week, i found it difficult to see all the good i've been striving for.

and you know what, i'm glad i didn't see it right away. i'm glad that i felt the sadness that comes with knowing you wanted to do better and didn't....because not a single thing in the world compares to the content feeling in your heart when you just let yourself off the hook.

i have beaten myself up long enough and wondered why i haven't been worth keeping around for some people, all the while knowing that relationships change at many parts of our life and i've questioned my existence, my ability as a leader, and the many times i've spent too much time over analyzing all parts of life.....and i've done all of those things quite well....

but today, i gushed to my boss about the many things i've done right in an attempt to begin to pick myself back up again....i laughed on purpose and i tried like hell not to get caught up in all of my short comings. i've counted my blessings for random acts of kindness and been thankful for the fact that my curls held in my hair nearly all day long. you see, when it's hard to find the good stuff, one compliment on your hair can make all the difference....and i've clung to it all day.

so many people look at my life and tell me constantly how awesome it would be to be me....and some days it surely is awesome....but the reality of it all is that i'm human--just like everyone else....and it's not always awesome but it's always real and i'm here....which is a gift in and of itself when i know how very short life is.

and, for tonight, i'm clicking my heels together, just like Dorothy did-surrounded by my own version of the lion, scarecrow, tin man and Glinda who will remain unnamed-and reminding myself there's no place like home....there's no place like home....there's no place like home.....

hiccups

yesterday was not a very good day. in fact, for many reasons it may go down as one i despise for quite a while.....

it's hard owning your own business. it's harder when one of your business partners is your friend and i mean that in the best possible way. We had a hiccup yesterday. Initially, I wasn't angry and I couldn't figure out why....I was frustrated and maybe a little disappointed but I never hit the anger part. Part of me feels like I should have been but mostly, I just feel like I let her down and, in turn, i let myself down....and that, friends, is a harsh reality. I have been so busy lately that my radar on what is going on in ALL parts of my business has been off. In fact, if I'm being honest, I've been off. Stuck in the mundane, trying desperately to get my creative mojo back....and knowing that I'm doing nothing for anyone else because I'm barely doing anything for myself. so yesterday, it became very clear how much I've been faking it....especially when I was cutting and pasting (essentially) 6 images together to make one....and still praying this enlarged print turns out.

Sigh.

So.....what now? I'm not entirely sure. In fact, I cannot even tell you that I'm ready to move from my stuck spot....this week certainly feels like it's gotten the best of me and it's only thursday....but I am certain of a few things. Life is hard. Being an active participant in life is harder. You never know if someone will appreciate your efforts or if all of your trying will still fall short.

Many pieces of my life are moving...friendships changing shape....a true decision to stop caring about the opposite sex....and a career that is ever changing. Those are my big pieces...the ones that fill my life with priority and love....and I'm struggling to keep up....but I'm also fully aware that I have to be a piece in there somewhere. I have, lately, felt the true struggle with "doing it all" and am now at a point where I'm trying so hard to free up my life that I think it's getting worse. I am the worst at saying no to people and it drives me crazy. I always want to help people but it's taking a toll and here I was yesterday, with a hiccup, because I said no and it didn't go well. My choice to turn away a large family on my birthday so I could have a day off left my friend and partner in a compromising position when I should have known better.

I'm sure I can turn these lemons into lemonade and I'm more sure that I'm going to be okay and learn from this disappointing lesson....but the thing about hiccups is they stay with you for a while....and I think my heart will be reeling from this for a little bit....mostly because I feel like I let my friend down and my client....and I never like doing either of those things.

So, I think I'm going to take a bit of a sabbatical.....dig deeper into the things I need to work on and spend less time doing things that are unimportant and uninspired. I'm going to take a break from facebook and work only when necessary to finish sessions. Right now, what I really need is a step back because my tank is pretty empty.

They say you can get the hiccups scared out of you or you can drink lots of water or you can hold your breath or you can put a pencil between your teeth and drink something...and probably a handful of other old wives tales that are a sure bet to beating them. Honestly, I'm not sure which of these sounds crazier but I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't about to try them all.