.Convenience.

Ever have those moments when you just feel like crying and you can even feel the tears behind your eyes...just sitting there, waiting for that moment when it all comes out like a flood. My heart is heavy. Not for any particular reason but a lot of little things that have been building and I'm tired. Really tired. I'm just sick of the convenience factor in friendship. People just aren't around anymore. They're not there. They have over committed themselves to everyone else but you...and it's just disappointing....and while some might say that I take things more personally than others, I am just sick of being so open with my heart and having it so quickly taken advantage of. That's life though....the unfortunate part is that people who are giving always give too much and people who take always take too much. We've lost the balance.

So, when is enough really enough? I've always had a hard time determining that. When have you been forgotten about, scheduled over, and an after thought one too many times? Maybe when you ask someone to make time for you this week--even though you know they're busy--and the little time they have made for you is quickly sucked up by a girlfriend and family and all the many priorities that have topped the list? Maybe when you invite someone to do something and a mutual friend invites them to the same thing after you have and, as a nice gesture, they decide to include you in their new plans when it would be nice to be the only option? Maybe when all the laundry you fold and dinners you make to help someone are only for them...and you're left empty at the end of the day.

And then, you cry....let it all out and vow to be different....you vow that this is the last time someone takes advantage of you....but it won't be....because people like me will always put our hearts on our sleeves and offer everything we have so that another might benefit...feel a little less alone...and because it will have been a selfless act of love...except, just once, I want to be the selfish person that says--no, I need you too....but instead, I offer that you go to that zumba class with our mutual friend instead of me...and I tell you to have a good time because, well, I want you to....and I fold your laundry, do your dishes, and give your kids a bath because it's what I'm good at and you don't ask for help so this is the best I can do....and I still hold this conversation in my heart waiting for the moment when you make time for me because I need to get it off my chest...but always on your time....

Then I erupt like a volcano when it all comes crashing down and cry hard because it hurts....and some people just don't understand and these very people will tell me that it isn't that big of a deal or that they'll be there for the next one but what if there isn't a next one? What then? Life is short, will you have wished that you gave me that 30 minutes or have gone with me to something fun or that you would have said thank you just once?

I don't know about you but I'm learning the only people you need in your life are the ones who need you in theirs....it's a hard lesson but it's true. The people who want you will make time for you....and they won't consult their calendars when you need them. They rearrange plans and give you what you need...because it's what you do when you love someone. You make time. You follow through on plans you've made. You appreciate people. 

And then, in the midst of the crying and blowing your nose, you decide tomorrow has to be better and you try again...and those very people might call on you tomorrow and as much as you've vowed today to be selfish and stop giving of yourself, you won't...because that's what people like me do....you give...and you let it go...because, the hope is, that someday they'll appreciate you for all you are...and then, you fall asleep..wake up, and do it all over again tomorrow. 

But-for tonight-you protect your heart.

.Captured.

Today someone asked me how I got into photography and then, why I love it so much. I suppose so much of it is the moment....because, when everyone's grown up and everyone's moved on with their lives, this moment will always bring you back. Being behind the camera is more than just pushing the button...it's seeing thru the lens the very things that make your families, children, and hearts beat faster. It's becoming familiar with the people whose moments you're capturing. It's about love...and even more, it's about taking a child who's not having the best day and capturing that quick giggle or the sweet hug that reminds you that it's the everyday moments that are worth memorizing.

That's the thing....it's life....life is messy, complicated, beautiful, joyful, crazy, chaotic, and, those are the very moments in my own photo album that I love the most. The candid moments of pure joy and bliss that fill every picture frame in my home....the moments that catch me by surprise and bring me hope...and the smallest things that remind me where my heart is. 

We all talk about how short life is but do we really appreciate that very sentiment. Do we really stop to smell the roses or do we wait for the photographer to come and set up the shot so you can share it on Facebook? What we forget is that God captures all of our moments...good, bad, and even ugly. God sees them on Facebook, He sees my own self-criticism as I look in the mirror, He watches me in my car, on my way to work, while I'm at work, when I'm driving home from everywhere, He knows how long it takes for me to blow dry my hair and put on my face in the morning, He hears me singing in the car and in the shower, He knows my routine, when I pray, when I make time for His word, He knows my priorities, and He is always behind me and seeing the good, bad, and impulse decisions that I make. I don't doubt that he has a never ending memory card....and I faithfully go to confession, apologize, and feel remorseful because we all have moments we need to delete off the card....moments we're not proud of and wish we had done better....moments where we just weren't who we want to be. That's the beautiful thing though--He forgives without abandon....He doesn't bring up my past mistakes...and He doesn't use hurtful words to get His point across....instead, He just loves me more.

So, yes, I capture moments....and I see beautiful glimpses in time through a tiny opening on the back of a piece of equipment.....but I also see those very things every day that don't get put on film or uploaded to Facebook...and those images engraved on my heart are just as important as the ones hanging on my wall. And, everyday, I am most thankful for the images I can visit only in my memory....those are my real moments. We all have one...the moment when you wish more than anything that you'd have had your camera....but maybe it's for the best that we didn't....sometimes, the best place to dwell is in your own heart for a while...pure, simple, and, in just a moment, it takes you right back there....if only you'll close your eyes long enough to see...

.Three Years.

Three years ago today I married my best friend. I woke up at 5 am....and, in fact, I can remember rolling over to face my best friend just hoping she would wake up and when I saw her eyes open I simply whispered, "I'm getting married today" in the most excited whisper one could have. We woke up and it was this rainy sleet mixture but I didn't care....I got my hair done and I can still remember the glow I wore along with that beautiful white dress. 

I cried the entire way down the aisle...nerves, joy, butterflies, dreams, hopes, all wrapped up in one very long aisle but there he was, waiting for me....tears and all...and he took my hands, whispered every sweet thing he could before the beautiful celebration began and eased my every worry and fear...all in under 3 minutes. That's the thing about him--he knew what I needed and how I needed it even before I did. I think that's what happens when you love someone so much...they become a part of you--an extension of your very self....and it's as if you're putting on their socks in the morning--you just know which foot goes in first. I never worried about how tightly he held my heart--I had no fear of it breaking...and while we certainly had our moments, I always knew that his grip held me tightly but gave me room to breathe. Like I said, he knew just what I needed before I ever did. 

Before I knew it, the vows were said, rings exchanged, and we were walking down that very long aisle as husband and wife. It's amazing how different the walk was on the way out. Joyful....I had committed to a man who loved deeper than I could have ever imagined possible, who communicated, listened to me, and who proved to be the strongest soft hearted man I have ever met....and, in what felt like mere seconds, the day was over--we had danced our dance, mingled with guests, and neither one of us could remove the smile from our faces. We were just happy....and, it turns out, that was all we would ever desire.

The aisles and the long walks are what I remember the most. Only 14 months and 12 days later did I walk down another seemingly never-ending aisle to celebrate his life. I remember that too...like it was yesterday....the nerves, butterflies, sorrow, sadness, tears, anger, and confusion as I held tightly to the casket that only housed what was left of my amazing husband's earthly self. Again, before I knew it I was standing before 108 people talking about him as if he was gone....and, somewhere in all of that, I realized that he was. I can't tell you how many different ways I've tried to make sense of it all. I can tell you, though, that every time I come up short. All the rationalizing in the world doesn't fill the other half of our bed and there isn't a single justification I can make to take the hurt away.

The walk back down the aisle, after all the blessings had been said and the peace-be-with-you hugs were given was just as long...as Be Not Afraid was sung and I, again, clung tightly to his casket I remember vividly asking God to hold him and, in the same breath, to carry me until I can do it on my own again. I trusted, believed, and somehow, had hope that it wouldn't be this way forever...and I knew I had nothing to fear...I knew God would provide....but I didn't know when or for how long or even how I was going to continue getting through the days. But, still, I walked down that aisle and out of that church and again, I was changed.

I still have rare moments where I need to go to the cemetery and read his name on our headstone to really be convinced that he's not on vacation....but today is one of those days. I have quickly learned in the last few weeks that it wasn't just one anniversary he'd miss....it's all of them. The continued moments that mark time that he is absent for....and each one is just as hard, if not harder, than the first. My heart still breaks a little each time...but, thankfully, I can count the hours and even the minutes and know that it will all be over when the clock strikes midnight....then it's 364 days away...which is a long enough distraction to get me through until it comes again.

I have hope that it won't be this way forever and that, while it will always be hard, it will someday become such a constant that I know exactly what to do. Until then, though, I'll just keep swimming and pray that soon enough the tide brings me to you.

.Forgive.

She knew nothing about life but she knew everything about living. I've lived more than most people have at the young age of 25....and tonight was no exception. Tonight, I learned that forgiveness is the most healing and peaceful thing anyone can do for themselves.

I went to Starbucks tonight with a friend I hadn't seen since Christmas....and as we were chatting and talking about life, mommy-hood (her second is on the way), and the various people we both knew, I heard the coffee-making-man call, "tall, skinny, decaf, caramel macchiato," and as I turned to see the owner of the drink, I realized I knew her. In fact, I'm part of the duo who put together her and her soon to be husband. We locked eyes--she looked away, avoiding eye contact at all costs--and I smiled for quite a while before returning to my conversation. 

Something happened right then. I had let go of the anger and the not knowing that had haunted me for quite some time and I forgave. I didn't speak it to her or even say it out loud until this very moment, but I let go....for me....because it had been too long.

You see, when someone dies, some of your friendships die too and every single one of them changes shape. Some people don't know how to be around you...they don't know what to say or if they can talk to you about the normal things they used to and they don't know how to fix it so they distance, walk away, ignore, and sometimes it's not done in the most graceful of ways. Sometimes hearts break and feelings are hurt and sometimes, we just aren't our best selves. And, unfortunately, that happens whether or not you're the widow on the receiving end--people get hurt with or without a situation...whether we're in middle school, going on 16, graduating college, turning 30 or, even worse, 40, and as we find ourselves growing older and more importantly--growing up. That's life. Sometimes we get hurt and it stings....and sometimes we fight back because we think it might change something or at least you've said what you need to say....but, most of the time, it leaves you clinging to more hope that you got through to them or that something could have changed....when I wish I had known then that forgiving was the only thing that could possibly bring peace to this heart. There's a difference between fighting for something you believe in and seeking revenge. Peace and comfort rarely comes with the latter. 

So, no, I didn't run over to her like someone in the movies would have. Quietly, in my chair across the room, I finally let the distance be comfortable. I didn't wonder if she was looking at me. I didn't hope that she could see me smiling. I didn't even pay attention to who she was meeting. I lived as if she was someone I knew once. And she was. 

I had always been hard on myself for holding on for far too long to the things I should have let go of....and for the first time in a long time, for just long enough, I let go of the wheel and it was as freeing as I imagine it would be for Maya to spend the entire car ride home with her head hanging out the window.

I am certain that she couldn't have known that her presence alone did that for me tonight but I am thankful for the moment that gave myself the room to grow.

Sometimes we don't have these big, dramatic, eye opening moments. Sometimes they come to us quietly and we can miss them if we're not careful...if we're not paying attention to the only moment we have for certain which is right now. Sometimes we wait for the brick wall to stop us in our tracks so we can have that "defining moment" on our journey....when, sometimes, we just need to define the moment. So, that's what I did....I let love be my avalanche tonight...and it was enough to stop me in my tracks, take a good look around, and whisper to my heart, "I forgive you"

And I walked to my car and never once looked back....not even for a second.