Rainbow

It's been a while. I've been spending much of the last few weeks finding what and who truly makes me happy. Rebuilding a bit and definitely cutting a lot of crap from my life. In the midst of it all, I got a nasty cold last weekend that has made me appreciate days off without plans and a few moments of pure quiet. I had to work and, unlike some others, I won't cancel life just because I'm sick. I just get through it. I think it's something I inherited nearly four years ago. You do it because you have to. Not because you want to. 

In the last few weeks I have relished in the ideals and hopes that I have built and realized that, somewhere along the way the last few years, I decided to love me again. I decided it was okay and, even more, that it was necessary. Yesterday was valentines and I wasn't sad for a single second. I didn't dwell on all I had lost....I found myself surrounded by love, from friends and family and I was joyful. Gosh, I was joyful...and happy...and it felt so surreal. It felt like it wasn't me. But it was. And it was okay. In fact, it was the most "me" I've been in a long time. 

I have always answered the question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" with the response, "happy." I never imagined that it would be so hard sometimes. I am naive and I truly do believe there are silver linings in everything. I have been through some of the worst moments of my life and here I am....positive Polly....just trying to find the best in the worst. I don't know how or why...it is just who I am. I know what it's like to hurt...I know pain and I know suffering but I can't help but want to live in the light. 

I believe so hard that this is my year that it has to be. I believe in that. I also believe God's timing is always right on schedule so if next year is, in fact, my year then I'm ready. My heart has not been so open and willing in so long and I am so thankful. Truth be told, I didn't know if I'd get her back....if, after the storm, there would be a rainbow.....and there is. Somehow, there is. 

I am not fearful of the future. I know the right things will happen when they will and I believe that my hopes and dreams will come true....when I least expect it....and, until then, I'm ready.