.Love Thyself.

Life gets and stays busy. That's part of the process too. Sometimes you feel drained and tired and forget that it happened but it did and you keep on doing what you think is best even though half the time you're doing it blindly. Busy is good for a little while.....it keeps you distracted and keeps your mind moving off of things....but busy catches up with you. It gets tiring and you find yourself frazzled and stressed....and you have to be your own comforter....you have to take care of yourself.....and you have to make everything feel better for yourself all by yourself.

I've learned a lot about loving me....that it has to come from me first and that my own self matters the most. It doesn't matter what I drive, who I'm with, or how I look if I don't love me. I call this part of the journey falling in love with my self. People have said for centuries that you have to love yourself first before you can love anyone or anything else--most people brush it off as some new age crap but it's true....you can't be happy with your surroundings if you're not happy with yourself and that includes the people in your life.

So....I made a list. Things I love about me and things I want to change about me. It went a little like this

LOVE:

My compassion

My generousity

My love and passion for everything I put myself into

My committment to starting over

My ability to empathize

My hair

My feet

My toes--yep, they're pretty cute

My ability to work hard

My dependability

My loyalty

My faith

My strength

My hope

My ability to see the bigger picture

My resilient heart

My dreams

My ability to roll with the punches

My never ending desire to be better

My hobbies

My pictures

My memories

Things to CHANGE:

My weight....but I'm proudly working on it and 30 pounds later I'm noticing results.

My impatience.

My sometimes impulsive nature

My jumping to conclusions

My generousity....I need a better balance with my time

My schedule....it is too busy for my own good....I need a slow down.

My inability to live in the moment at times.

My insecurites about my weight, my time, and my self being good enough.

My cares for what other people think.

My self doubt

My act of apologizing....too much

I've worked on a lot of these and truthfully, a lot of them I work on daily.....but I'm loving my self more than I ever have before...because I'm learning to forgive myself for the things I couldn't help or change....and more than that, to forgive myself for the things I could. I'm learning to appreciate my self for just who I am and not expecting more than I can give to others but most importantly to me. What you see is what you get. It's a beautiful concept.

Maybe loving yourself isn't so hard.....maybe it's the accepting....that no one is perfect.....and that it's perfectly okay to fall short sometimes as long as you are always trying to be better....and I think, if you do that right--the bettering part-soon you'll find yourself in love with who you've become....and what a beautiful thing that is.

.Bucket List.

My bucket list:

X Skydive (done nearly 7 years with the best old friend I've ever had)

   Sing karaoke in front of an entire bar 

   Sing in front of my church
X Go to Ireland (done 2 months ago with the best friends a girl could have)

X Fall in love without fear or reservation (done nearly 7 years ago with the man who would change my life forever)

    See New York At Christmas
    Play the guitar
    Learn how to golf
X Go down a terrifying water slide (done with some amazing friends in april) 

    Go To Italy

    Learn to speak another language--maybe Italian for the voyage

    Have a child

    Try sushi

    Make my own recipe that everyone wants

    Change the lives of those I touch

X Be on the radio for more than 30 seconds (Done just yesterday for work)

    Learn how to build something I can use :)

    Write a book (in process)

    Fall in love without fear or reservation.......again.

X Go to the Caribbean (done 4/08 for the honeymoon adventure of a lifetime)

X Get a tattoo (hmm, ongoing for a while)

    Learn how to swim

    See dolphins up close

    Touch a turtle

    Kiss the blarney stone

    See the pyramids in Egypt

    Eat a true Chicago pizza while in Chicago

    Learn to play the guitar

    Drive a motorcycle

    Go to Las Vegas

X Take ballroom lessons ( done last year in the most ridiculous class ever)

   Go to London

   See the beauty of Spain

   

There will always be ones to add as we cross off....but it's a good start.

.No Regrets.

The sadness lingers for a while after the rough nights....but I am hopeful to be on the upswing soon. I'm good at being strong....and not letting people on to how I feel....too bad I haven't figured out how to hide it from myself sometimes. Sometimes, it feels like it just might be easier that way.....but anyone will tell you that you have to hurt to heal.

I'm hanging my heart on hope.....and praying for better tomorrows....those two constants drag me through the days mostly. I guess there are worse things.

I'm back to the checklist today--smile at least 5 times, laugh, engage, live, breathe, and put one foot in front of the other. If I do all of that, I'll be okay.....just long enough to get me out of this funk so I can feel like myself again. People often have misconceptions about time.....it certainly has been a year but a year really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. I've watched years pass quickly for 25 years and while I only really remember the last 20....they move quickly and time becomes a measure of growth, love, pain, memories, and dreams--some lost and others created, but most of them always changed. Nothing in life is permanent and the plans we make are often modified for our own good.....it doesn't mean we shouldn't or can't have them....we just have them in a different way....a way that suits our life for the place we are in. It may not be what we expected but it's difficult to live life on promises and five year plans....most of the time, we only get angry at ourselves later for even putting so much of our hearts into the promises that proved to be empty and the five year plans that changed in the matter of an instant.

There are no guarantees....so maybe if we were better at saying what we need to say now, and telling others how we feel right away, and doing what we've always wanted before someone talked us out of it, and falling in love without reservations and walls, and maybe if we lived more--loved deeper--and only kept one foot on the ground so the rest of our selves could know the beauty of truly flying.....well, maybe then we wouldn't regret a thing....and maybe that should be the five year plan.....no regrets....I mean, truly, no regrets. Not even one.

.The Ugly Nights.

I don't feel him lately...at least, not the way I used to. They say this is part of the transition--part of moving on....but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I know, in my heart, that he is here....but I fear I am forgetting....the sound of his voice, the depth of his laugh, the strength in his loving arms, the very things that made Chris who he was. It has always been my biggest fear that I might forget.......so now, how do I go about remembering?

I'm not quite sure--pictures......movies........cards......books.....distractions.....songs....a million and one ways to remind me that he's gone.....and then a good, hard, deep cry.....one that washes over me so that I can feel something, anything....just long enough to remind me that I'm still here....and he's not.

I haven't been this very low in a while....I've been fortunate enough to watch people I love so much find their own true loves--some of them in their new beginnings, others about to get married, and others finding their comfortable place in each other....all of them experiencing the joys of "together" and here I sit, missing mine each and every day wondering if I will ever find "together" again. Will I always be the third wheel? The one that people feel obligated to invite because, well, it would be rude not to.....and the friend you want to find someone for but since you're out of the dating scene that becomes increasingly harder. I'm assured I won't be "that friend" but it's hard not to wonder....what if it happens without you realizing it....and I become, forever, the third, fifth, seventh, or ninth wheel on this crazy road of life....or worse, will I become the flat tire....

These, my friends, are my insecurities. They creep in when I am least expecting it and they hold me tightly in their grasp until I get through this rough patch. This is as real as it gets.....an ugly real....that I face each and every day--it's just whether or not I'm strong enough to push them away or drained enough to let them in. Each day is different.....and while I am pretty good at staying strong.....these days come and let me tell you, it's a long way down....and it's pretty lonely. It makes me thankful for the good days.....but so very aware of the loss.

So, here I sit, searching for just the right song to ease this ache in my heart tonight....flipping through my music library hoping that the right one will stick out at me long enough to get me through the tears and hopefully, on to a better tomorrow....but I've been flipping for a while....shuffling.....changing artists....going from piano to guitar....up tempo to slow.....and here I sit, unsuccessful..........Still searching.....always searching.

.A Long Trip Alone.

The lonliness has been suffocating lately. I am very independant but I so miss the companionship of someone else. The one who just gets you....knows you so well....and holds you closer than anyone else because they care more than anyone in the world about you....your feelings...and your happiness. Ahhh, comfortable.

I crave comfortable. I miss it with my whole heart. I now have just memories of that feeling...the one that put me at ease in the matter of moments, comforted me on my worst days, and pushed me to keep on going when I just didn't want to anymore. People tell me all the time that I will have it again but how can they be so sure? How can anyone know what will come for me....sometimes I think it's just what people say to try to make me feel better....but all the reassuring in the world really just doesn't. I can't replicate comfortable....and it won't come for me in the same way ever again....that's comforting and sad all at the same time. Comforting because no one will ever be Chris....but sad because what if I never have the best comfortable again.

No one is ever happy all the time....we all have bumps in the road. I know about all of this. I just feel like I'm forgetting what "happy" felt like. Sure, it's different for everyone....but it's been in such a haze for me. I just don't remember lately. Sure, I'm good....at a decent spot in life....but happy? Hardly. I'm confident in myself and my own independance--I know I can make it on my own.....it's just that it's such a long trip alone.

I know I need to be thankful for what I had. I'm trying. So hard. I just really don't want to. For tonight, I don't want to be strong. I want to cry....a hard, deep, cathartic cry....and I want to be sad.....and angry....and lonely.....and I don't want to have to explain it. I just want to let my guard down long enough to feel it in the depths of my heart.....but not so long that I lose all hope.

.Five Minutes.

I write because it's cathartic....and truly the most healing thing I can do. The self realizations I make when I just start typing amaze me. We all need something....or we'll go crazy. This is my outlet--the one expression I have that I hold without fear--it is in the depths of my heart that I find myself really alive and I get there through writing and self discovery. It's really been one of the corner stones of putting myself back together. The discovery of so many things I didn't even know about myself and the ability to describe to most people who can't imagine walking this journey what just 5 minutes feels like.

I'll give you five minutes of today:

I was in a doctor appointment....with a PA I knew for all of five minutes before....and she asked me to tell her about my last year. At this point, I was a smidge irritated-I'm sure she was filled in by my prior doctor that my husband died just over a year ago....why don't you want to know about my whole life? I obliged and told her about how he died and synopsed the whole thing by telling her--Well, it really just sucked.........a lot.....but I'm here now and I'm making it every day. She looked at me blankly, wanting me to expand, and again, I dug in the gutwrenching part of my life and told her about some of my ugly days...you know, where you just don't want to get out of bed and when you do it's too late to do anything special with your hair so you spend the day apologizing for looking like crap and not taking care of yourself....and then you don't eat that day because there isn't any kind of appetite and then you run through the contacts on your phone at least three times before finally deciding to call one of your friends or your mom or dad who loves you more than anything in the world but just can't offer any kind of advice for this. As I explained all of this, she held no expression and only nodded here and there. Well, you wanted honesty I thought. She didn't say much...just that she was sorry it happened to me. I know. Everyone is sorry it's happened to me. I don't say that in a mean way, but really, I know. It's been a year of rebuilding and I know more than most how sorry everyone is that they watched me go through it.....but I did....and here I am.....so, I'd like for you to ask me what I'm doing now-right this moment. She didn't. I didn't throw it out there either. She wrote some notes, gave me a hug that just felt forced and continued on with the rest of the appointment--never talked about it again, never acknowledged, just wanted to know I guess....and I sat there, the whole time, crying inside. That's what most of my five minutes feel like sometimes. Crying inside. Strong outside. You won't know if you can't see it--and if you can, you won't be able to fix any of this for me, so cry inside....strong outside.

I guess it sounds crazy and if you want to know for sure, I guess I am a bit, but aren't we all? No one goes through this kind of thing with all of their scars healed. I still have definite red, ugly scars. Don't you? From something? And yeah, maybe I can be a bit over the top but it's called a coping mechanism.....until I'm somewhere safe enough where I can let it all fall apart.

Five minutes turns into 24 hours of being strong.....and when I'm surrounded by love, you will see this armor fall....but sometimes five minutes is just enough for you to imagine one whole day in this place full of strength, love, and a lot of hope....because just one year ago, that was only one minute for me. Five minutes is at least progress.

.Thankful.

A lot of my dreams have changed in a year....well, most of them had to. I fought it for a while, trying to convince myself that God would miraculously give me our child, that I could still have the same 2.5 kids and white picket fence with Chris, that I could do it all on my own without help--but I couldn't and I can't....and God loved me enough to let me dream it for a while and then helped me to accept what my new reality is.

The permanence of this loss is different than any other. Many of us will go through the grief process for different losses--divorce, break ups, death of a parent or grandparent, friend, or sibling, loss of job, and the list goes on and on. Most death occurs when the person is older or suffering--it is quite rare that a 24 year old woman should lose her 28 year old husband due to an asthma condition that was well controlled....but it happens, I'm living proof....and when it happens, well--no one can prepare you for the many losses that come with losing your husband, child, brother, cousin, or best friend when he's only 28. Not only do you lose the person but you lose the dreams and life you just got done preparing for. We had been married just 14 months.....but it was long enough to have made dreams, cemented plans, and given ourselves a permanent address--well, one that would last at least 30 years....and in the matter of, literally 17 minutes, I learned how quickly those plans can change.

Life can change in an instant....I guess that's why I've learned not to get so caught up in 5 year plans....rarely does it ever happen the way we want or expect--all we can guarantee is the now and how we choose to live our love right this minute. Some people call it impulsive--others call it embracing the moment--but no matter what name you give it, this can only happen after you accept where you've been and fully release all control....only then will you feel the peace and calm of comfort wash over you.

It took me a long time to accept that my journey, though it is made of plenty of decisions, is in the hands of someone much greater and bigger than me. I'd love to tell you that because I did this specific thing I got here. It is with grace and love that I am here, able to share with you the ups and downs of a year of rebuilding. I would be foolish not to acknowledge the power of God on this journey. My faith has literally been the base of my new foundation--it was the only cement I had to build on and it was my only constant 24 hours a day....7 days a week....and it helped me to build the walls of myself again.....believe me, this house could certainly crumble again but I'm fairly confident it can't be much worse than where I've been--and that is such a huge lesson I've learned. Sure, there are bad things that still happen to me-I am not immune--but nothing has been as bad as that day a year ago when I learned I was really working with a house of cards and all it took was one gigantic huff and puff for it to fall.

So, bring on the bad days when they have to come, because, God knows, that's nowhere near my worst....and then, let every prayer I whisper come with thanksgiving for that very same reason.

.I am.

As I move along in my grief process I'm finding myself with the need to let go....of people, things, and just various areas of my life that are in need of improvement.

Let's be honest....there are people in all our lives that it's just time to let go of--cut the ties and move on, right? Except it's rarely that easy and it often comes with tangled feelings that make it difficult to cut those final ties. Sometimes, we hold on hoping that it will get better....only to realize later, that sometimes it's better to leave before you are left....and then, we find ourselves angry at our own selves for having held on as long as we did. ahhh, retrospect.

There are "things" I need to let go of too....material things that have no place in my life anymore. I hold on for the memory or the feeling I associated with it once but those feelings change shape too. Rarely do we remember something in the same way as the moment we got it or in that moment of impulse when we had to have it.....time to move on from that too....in the healthiest, most loving way. There's no shame in letting go of things...whether they were once our things or just mine.....they're all mine now, and that is, at times, the harshest reality of all.

I want to work on accepting myself better....as just myself and acknowledging the parts of myself that I'm really good at. I'm a really good friend....better than most....and I'm so proud of that. I'm a good wife. I'm good at the little things. I'm good at my job. I'm good at listening to people and giving honest-without-hurting-you-most-of-the-time opinions, though sometimes you will just have to get hurt. I'm good at being generous with my heart and my time. I'm good at follow through. I'm really good at commitment. I'm good at communicating what I need and how I feel...to God. I'm good at writing out my feelings and being open enough for others to see. I'm good at being brave when it matters.

I could make an even longer list about the things I need to do better but maybe I'll save that for a different time.....for tonight, I'm going to absorb all that I am in hopes that the "I'm nots" aren't all that important anyway.

.Separation.

I took my wedding rings in today to get separated so I can wear my wedding band on my right hand. They asked me if I wanted to do something with the diamonds from my engagement ring. No-not yet. I'm not quite sure what I will do with them, if anything. 

I haven't worn it regularly in a few weeks....not because I don't want to be associated with it but it's just becoming too hard. People compliment it on me so often and I hate having that pang in my heart when I'm asked about it or someone says something.....I know why it's hard but complete strangers do not. I am not ashamed of it....it's just that life goes on....and while I'm in no hurry to date, I want to keep my heart open to anything.

Opening my heart means that there are some bridges I must burn and others I must mend....lately, I am finding that there are some ties I need to cut in order for the bridges in my own heart to heal.....and that it's okay to walk away from people who hurt you and those who offer no real love or healing in your own life. Yes, it sure is all right to keep on moving, even if that means some people get left behind. I'm learning to re-prioritize so that I can always be in a position for my best self to take shape and that I can always be exactly what I need for myself first. This is hard for me to do--I always put everyone else in front of me but then I think of Chris and he always put me first....so maybe it's time to start doing that for myself now....and maybe it's okay that I don't feel all that bad....maybe it's okay that I want to take care of myself and what's important to me....and maybe I shouldn't have to answer for how I live my life or spend my money or take care of things as long as I'm happy. Maybe others can be happy that I'm happy and as okay as I can be and that I'm putting my heart back together one piece at a time. It is certainly enough for me and really, that's all that really matters.

So, yes, sometimes we have to change things....cut things apart to make ourselves better. A ring won't change that I was married or that I was loved by and in love with the best man in the world. Sometimes we change the shapes of the pieces in our puzzle but it doesn't ever change what it looks like--that the big picture holds something undoubtedly beautiful for us all....and that is all we can ask for. A little faith and a lot of hope that all of this will be worth it in the end.

.Ordinary Time.

Ordinary days. The year date has passed....I've even gone through my second "first" holiday....and now I feel like I'm back in ordinary time....except, it's still strange.

It would be Chris' 30th birthday this coming Sunday....for him, just another ordinary day, but for me...I'd be organizing the surprise bash of the year for him....and he'd be trying to make me slip up and I wouldn't....because I'd be calling Jill and Amanda and everyone else to keep my mouth shut.

Yep. This ordinarily big surprise would be upon me....but, sadly, it's not. Most people don't understand that these ordinary days are sometimes harder than the bad days because, well, they're just ordinary. People expect you to cry on Christmas and your anniversary and the holidays that creep in on you....but they hope that your ordinary days are the easier ones. This is the thing, my friends, those are the hardest. You're not surrounded by friends or family on the ordinary days...no one is there to hold you while you cry or to watch sappy movies about how the sun will come out tomorrow. The ordinary days are the ones I dread because I get through them on my own most of the time and some days I barely have enough left in me to give to myself....but you muddle your way through it and go to bed in hopes of a better, ordinary, tomorrow.

I will spend the rest of my life trying to manage these ordinary days....and while I have no doubt that someday it certainly will get easier, I have a hard time mustering the patience to wait for that day. I believe that ordinary time prepares you for the holidays, special days, and other days that you've marked on your calendar like normal because it maintains your routine.... but even routine can sometimes set you up for failure. Sometimes you just crave different. Different address. Different job. Different friends. Different landscapes. Different everything.

Sometimes different helps. It's good to make things your own again....and to change the things you are ready to.....but sometimes different just pushes you further into your funk of everything you had together and now have as just you....and sometimes, it helps you feel accomplished, productive, and confident in the baby steps you take in this seemingly ordinary world....and sometimes, without even realizing it--those confident baby steps are leaps and bounds. And, when you least expect it, you find yourself flying through ordinary time with more strength than you ever thought possible and the courage most people spend their whole lives searching for...all because you stopped running from the clock and the days....and you realized the only way to get to the good is to take the bad with it, even on the most ordinary of days.

.Silver Linings.

I believe in silver linings....and I believe that it takes a brave person to look for the best in themselves and to expect it from others. You won't always get it back....the expectation that is....but I believe it's okay to hope for the best, strive for better, and live for right now...in whatever capacity that may be.

When you stare rock bottom in the face you wonder how things could ever get better without ever contemplating how they could get worse.....then it hits you that you're becoming a negative nancy...that shutting out the world isn't going to make you feel any better and the only person you have to blame is yourself for beginning to shut out the world. It's a pretty lonely place--I can tell you that from experience. Pushing people away didn't get me anywhere....in fact, I can look back now and tell you how awful it feels to know I denied their love. People naturally want to help....and if you're anything like me-you're a doer and a fixer. Rock bottom made me so aware of the capacity of love people have. the hardest part, though, is knowing it took rock bottom for me to see that it could always be worse and that silver linings always exist.

What is your silver lining? Well, maybe, what was your rock bottom...or maybe, what is your rock bottom? Each of us finds it differently....has different struggles....but we are all united in pain--we ache for one another when the pain comes....and we dream of the day when it doesn't ever hurt like this again....when we finally stare hope square in the face and leap to her--hold on for dear life--and never again let what happened to us define us.

We are strong you know.....those who hope....we have stared the worst situations in the face and kept going. We have picked ourselves off the ground, dusted ourselves off, and tried again. We have had sleepless nights and long, long days....we have loved and lost....experienced failure and defeat...and live to tell the story. We, who believe in the silver linings......are survivors.

.Starting Over.

One of my good friends is at a cross roads....and asked me today, " How did you start over? " I only said....I don't know....but I've thought a lot about it since being asked. Starting over is different for everyone but it starts with one day at a time. First, you just do what you can to stay above the water...just everything you can do to get through the day and before you know it days become weeks and weeks become months and then, you start to stop feeling so numb. Then, you try to figure out how to make those days worth while....and you make your own checklist so that you have routine. This is mine:

• Smile at least five times a day. Real ones....not the smirks or the fake smiles you give so people think you're okay--find something great each day to make you smile and then run with it. Some days are easier than others.

• Do something that scares you as often as you can. Talk to someone you normally wouldn't, try different foods, dance in public, sing loud enough for everyone to hear, go somewhere you've always wanted to go but were too scared to try, apply for that promotion, find something that makes you feel alive and do it.
• Life will change you.....let it. Let it wash over you and embrace you in it's arms.
• Pray....as often as you can for as long as you can and as long as you need to. God will carry you--of this I am certain.
• Laugh at least twice a day--you know, the laugh that comes from the bottom of your heart. The one that reminds you that you're still alive.
• Do something that only you would love to do and make it your own.
• Change small things....I started with the shower curtain--the rest just naturally came together. It's not erasing--it's preserving....yourself.
• Do something you love. I love to read and write and take pictures....and I have now done more of them all....they ground me.
• Don't put yourself on a timeline....starting over is a process and takes time--deadlines are not allowed here.
• Lean on those who care. Let them listen to you, reassure you that you're going to be okay, and take care of you until you are ready to do it on your own, and even then, keep leaning.
• Sing in the shower. It's the only place in the world that the acoustics don't matter.
• Love yourself, by yourself, enough for yourself. That's right--fall in love with yourself....and never cheat on yourself....don't compromise and don't settle.
• Believe in silver linings.....that comes more toward the end, but it is possible.

If there is anything I've done, it's learned how to take care of me again--put myself at the top....and then, to let what happened to me make me better. I'm better for having known and loved Chris. I'm better for having risen to meet the challenge of life on my own again. I'm better for taking the time to heal myself so that, maybe someday, I can be better for someone else.

.Follow Your Heart.

Follow your heart. That's what everyone tells you....that sometimes you have to trust your gut and know you're going to end up somewhere amazing. I have spent the last two months going through background checks, financial checks, and every other kind of check to go through the adoption process. It has been a huge decision and one I haven't taken lightly...I fully understand it is a LOT of work....and that it is usually why it requires two people to do it....but I also know I have a lot of help....and a lot of determination and a whole lot of love to give. It's one of those things that I was waiting for "a sign" for....and funny, it was under my nose all along.

Three weeks before Chris died I purchased baby announcements because we were trying to have a baby and these were on clearance and well, I loved them....so I bought them. Today, I was rummaging through this closet looking for something completely unrelated and found them--after they had been buried for a year....and the sample invitation was a birth announcement that said "The Wallentons announce (insert name here) adopted into love on (insert specifics here)" All along, my sign stood next to me, under my nose, and all around me.

Sure, I'm pretty nervous and even a little scared but I also know that I'm not alone and that my heart has lead me here with a clear purpose....and that I will give a child a wonderful, loving, stable home that is filled with new adventures and lots of learning experiences. People will obviously judge this decision and go ahead....I have no one to prove except myself and this little one who has no idea how much love I have for him/her already.

I am excited and I have done my research and I have spent the last two months weighing all the pros and cons and, for me, this is going to be one of the best, life changing decisions I ever make. Best of all, I think Chris would be pretty proud. In fact, I'm sure he's already got one hand picked and waiting for me....and I can't wait.

.Army.

An army. That's how many people it takes you get you through this kind of loss. The army comes equipped with love, prayers, kindness, comfort, laughter, tears, sometimes food, and always time. It's a beautiful sight...this army--coming together or in seperate pieces, to remind you that you're going to make it and to kick you in the ass when you really need to stop watching PS I love you over and over. Yep...the army protects you from the people you thought you could trust but knew better and the army brings you pieces of the world you had forgotten about....little league baseball scores, newspaper articles, funny stories about that girl you don't get along with, their love life reports, and various other things that distract you long enough to get out of the pajamas you've been in for the last 4 days.

It's true, most of them don't wear camoflauge but that doesn't matter....they are all different kinds of people, coming from different places in their lives, just to try to help you find your life again. They take you to lunch at the same spot once or twice a month and always check in when they can. They come to your house for sleepovers and hold you when you cry. They sleep on your couch and your floor for days....they clean your house....they hold your hand through the worst of it and, as much as you want to, you can never repay them for the selfless acts of being the strong ones so you could fall apart. They live states away but they feel so close. They answer the phone at midnight. They listen. They hold you. They cry with you. They laugh with you. They travel with you. They do all the things with you that you hate doing as just one. They remind you to just keep swimming, put one foot in front of the other, and keep your chin up.

As in any other army, sometimes people go missing and leave without warning....and some stay just through the rough spots and then you see or hear from them every once in a while....and others come in and stay a while but often in the background. Either way....your army is ever changing except for the nucleus of those who you can always count on....and they stick around even after a month or six months or a year....and they get you, there is no need to explain anything. they just know....and believe me, most of the time they know you better than you give them credit....and they make you laugh so hard you cry. Yep...my army is one of the best and believe me-it takes a while to build a strong one but you get what you give. Sometimes you give too much and you learn quickly who your friends are....and other times you get back everything you've put in....those are the times when you know you've got the right people in your corner because they'll fight as hard for you as they do for themselves. It's a beautiful feeling when that happens.

I've learned it's okay to call on your army whenever you need them and not to feel bad about it-if they are true soldiers, they'll always answer, always give, and never need more than a simple "thank you" for their time and service.