breathe through it.

the other day, i was giving advice to a friend when i said, "if i had known my husband was going to die, you better believe there would've been a lot of things i would have said when i had the chance"

those words...my words...have haunted me since. there is so much i need and want to say, some of it heavy and other parts not at all....some people who i feel like i have unfinished business with and others who have no idea what lies on my heart....but here i am, feeling those very words--even days later.

that's the funny thing about time.....you think you have it. you think you've got enough time to get your ducks in a row and make right all of the things that seem out of place. and just as i've aligned the proverbial ducks, i realized that they weren't mine anyway. that all the control i think i have, i don't. the One who loves me more than anything in the world is constantly shifting and rearranging my life and the people in it. which leads me to the next powerful thought....

nothing, and i mean nothing, is coincidence. 

it is not coincidence at all that i have been plagued by "random happenings" involving one certain mister. because they're not random. regardless of what it all means, these signs find me and while i have spent months trying to figure them out, i still have no idea what they all mean. all i know is that as i sit in the very coffee shop where i gave a piece of my heart away on that coffee date, i am reminded that it was necessary and purposeful. EVEN WHEN, i have absolutely no idea what the lesson was. even as i wonder what it is that i am supposed to do with all of these signs. literally, never ending signs.

but, if i'm being really honest, i'm finding that my heart is just heavy lately. that i need to let things go for the mere fact that i cannot carry it around anymore.

i find that while i am not most people's first choice, i am a great choice. my heart is open and ready....but i cannot carry the guilt of failed relationships with me. they didn't work out because they weren't supposed to. it wasn't because i wasn't enough. it wasn't my fault....it just wasn't in the cards so all of these dates and relationships that seemed like a waste of time weren't....they just weren't meant to be.

i was married. my husband died. it is not contagious and it does not make me breakable. i must care less about the people who still try to pity my journey. that, too, was written in my cards. it was not a punishment....it was awful...but if it was meant to punish me it would have happened to just me. i wear the word widow with poise and grace....because i can't have it any other way.....because i can not change the course....because, lost or not, i own this part of my life just as i own the rest....and, contrary to people who cannot understand, it does not define who i am. it just a part of who i am. i am certain i would not be the person i am if it hadn't happened but i don't know who i would be without it....it's all i know now. it's my life...and that's all there is to it so i have to stop caring about other people's stance on it. no one can tell you how to grieve. no one can tell you how to let go. and absolutely no one can tell you if you're doing it right.

here's another life lesson.

your job will not keep you company at night.

that's right....my business and my career won't bring me soup when i'm sick and they won't pick me up after i've fallen so you better believe that my friendships are sacred and cherished....i refuse to ever let my jobs take priority over people. it's easy for me to get caught up in it....but it's not okay....and it's not what i need. ever. so yes, it is even okay and GOOD for me to take time off. because of this, i refuse to feel bad when i'm not at the clinic or when i'm not editing or shooting. i refuse. i am learning to say no and that means i have to stop feeling bad about it.

i also feel the giant need to get this off my chest. dear scott, last week's date was awful. aside from the fact that you were insensitive, inconsiderate and the entire evening felt like a scene out of a bad movie (maybe the one we saw?), it was just not what i needed. soooooooo, i told you this and you don't get it. i can empathize but i'd rather that we just call a spade a spade...you weren't what i needed and i'm certain i can't be what you need. and you know what, i'm not settling. i realize i'm no heidi klum, but i do want to be happy and the happy train did not lead me to you.

i have always considered myself open and honest but i'm realizing i need to be more honest with other people. i need to be open about what i'm feeling when i'm feeling it and worry less about everyone else's opinion.

because, if i have the chance to say it i should.

if i have a chance to take, i should take it.

and if i have the chance to be happy, i should grab it.

so, it's true.....if i had known my husband was going to die, i would've told him a lot of things. but i didn't know. so here's my chance....to live from my gut and less from the place in my head. to just go for things without fear. to put myself out there, say things that i should have said a long time ago, and--mostly--to just breathe through it.

sign, sign, everywhere a sign

oh my heart. what a day it's been....not the greatest to say the least, but it's over now and for that, i am beyond grateful. I think everything that could have hit me today did and I'm, well, exhausted and have so much to spill that I feel like I might be here all night. 

i am reminding myself to just breathe and that tomorrow will be better. that's about all you can do in the moment, i think. pray that you just get through the minutes and hope for a better day tomorrow. all week we've been short staffed at work so i've been picking up the slack where i can and i found myself nearing the bottom of the tank this afternoon when a patient asked if i had any children. i responded, "not yet" and he said, "why? is something wrong with you? most women your age have children by now" which is absolutely true.

but i wasn't going to lay it all on him. i wasn't going to tell him that my five year plan was shattered and 2.5 kids and the hypoallergenic dog were definitely in the plan by now. instead, i smiled and quickly ushered him back to a room before i could let the tears in my eyes fall. because, well, that's what you do. you suck it up and cry about it later....when you have the time. i comforted myself with the idea that i have plenty of time yet and that God isn't finished with me yet but if we're being really honest here, it hit me pretty hard.

all day i was scheduling people 4 weeks out.......april 12......and that, my friends, is explanation enough.

then, my evening just took a turn when i realized a thing or three about people i care about. 

it's true what they say when they tell you that some days you should have stayed in bed.

but i didn't. i got up, i went to work. i lived my life and here i am...processing and editing and trying to find some kind of distraction. if i'm being honest, today was not my favorite. in fact, i can think of a lot of other better days but i can think of a handful of much worse. i'm hanging on to that tonight.

aside from the obvious, i'm just kind of here today....while i am tired, i am not exhausted and I know I will need to be exhausted to fall asleep tonight. it's just been one of those days. they come every so often....when you know it hasn't been your worst day but man, it's not even close to the mediocre ones. i know everyone has them and i am not immune but one can dream i guess. 

and, to top it off.....my signs that i had sworn off nearly a week ago--they're worse, like twice as bad. i've been FLOOOOOOOODED with them this week. bombarded. smacked in the face. all at the strangest times and when i'm least expecting it (not like i ever am) but yesterday's took my breath away and i'm fairly certain i'm still recovering.

so, there you have it....no hypoallergenic dog, hard days, you find out who your friends are, and EVEN MORE SIGNS. 

i do believe that is enough to send anyone into a bottle of wine and a bout of confusion but, for the most part, i'm still treading water and floating and, for tonight, i'll take it.

everyone needs a lint roller

I am making an effort to blog more...I have always loved to journal and I've loved to write since I can remember. I recently applied for a writing position for a photography blog and figured I might as well work on this blogging habit. Even if I don't get it, blogging has always made my heart happy so, in an attempt for more happy, here we go.

I took Maya and Finley for a walk early this morning....early as in 530 AM...I think all three of us were wondering what exactly I was thinking getting us up so early but I have been making a conscious effort to take better care of myself--I've been dropping weight and working exercise into my day on purpose and not just because I skipped a meal. Anyway, we have finally mastered the coupler for walks and I love it. We walk in unison, as a team, and for a brisk 40 minutes, we know each other enough to know everyone's next move. My dogs are my family...they love me so unconditionally and their loyalty is unfathomable. As I briskly walked them and commanded, right turn, left turn, straight, sit, and wait, I realized that there are few relationships in my life as truly reliable and remarkable as what I have with my pups.

It is entirely true that I have the most amazing friendships. I have had my very best friend for 8 years now and my longest friend who is more like my sister since I was 6 and the friend who gave me my precious Godsons and calls me her sister and a newer friend who came into my life last year and has completely become this permanent piece of my heart....and many other close friends. they're amazing. I can tell you at least 10 people, aside from my fantastic parents and brother, who would walk through fire for me....but I can promise you Maya and Finley would make sure that was a last resort because they'd be all over it first. Okay, let's be honest-it's more Maya than Finley but don't tell him that :) 

I also realize there are two kinds of people....there are dog people and there are...well....not dog people. I really don't understand that not dog people category....I get that they're work and that I have to use a lint roller every day (and everyone needs one by the time they leave my house) and that I have dog toys all over the floor sometimes, but I can't imagine not doing any of that. Even when my own life is busy and I just don't want to. I will always choose them.

And, in all of that, I realized just how fortunate I am to have quality relationships in my life....I am blessed with the best people, hands down. God hand picked each of them for a reason and I couldn't be more thankful for how they all play into my life. We laugh so much....laugh until it hurts and my heart is so full. they share their family with me....and their children beg me not to leave when it's time to go. it's amazing. I never knew how much I would love that--that their kids choose me, their family invites me to the things they love, and that they care so much about including me in everything. 

I often realize that if I hadn't been through all of the really hard stuff in my life, I wouldn't be here at all. Had it not been for the decision to take a chance on love, I would not be in Manitowoc. I would not have the friends I do....and I most likely would be using my English degree to write some boring newspaper articles that I hate every single day. I wouldn't have my business, my friends, my career, my house, or my dog hair filled life. 

It is so true that life's experiences change you....and that God gives you what He knows you can handle. Sometimes, He even wants you to fall so you learn how to stand back up. I always hated that--you know that He trusted me so much to deal with all the ugly stuff.....but I've learned I need to trust me. My heart is resilient and I am stronger than I think. I know God is leading my life and that he hand picked my losses and triumphs....even when I didn't want the hard stuff.....it's never been my choice. I'm learning to embrace that because I do believe there is a beautiful plan. I believe that someone will walk into my life again and take me by surprise and I believe that someday hypothetical Henry won't be hypothetical. 

So, this morning, on a brisk 40 minute walk just made me all kinds of thankful. It was a beautiful start to this Wednesday and I am left feeling warm and fuzzy which is my favorite kind of feeling.

.ordinary days.

so, i'm sitting here at starbucks and i'm supposed to be working buttttt.....there's free wi-fi so instead i'm perusing the internet, completely distracted, and wondering how long before i finish editing this session. some days, i'm not so great at this whole working for yourself thing. 

I just had coffee with a friend and convinced myself that if i went home, i wouldn't get anything done. funny, not sure i'm getting anything done right here, either. 

i feel like my heart is restless lately....but i'm content and happy, mostly. my wedding anniversary is in just a few weeks and i am feeling the "funk" come on sooner than it has before. but, in the same breath, my life is the best it's ever been since the bottom dropped out. i am the most open and loving toward myself than i've been in a very long time and i am, mostly, content. sure, i am feeling the effects of photographing babies every five minutes but aside from that, i am good. i have a beautiful life. i am so blessed. i know all of this....the thing is, i still want more. my dreams keep getting bigger. i keep striving for the best. i really have no idea how else to do it. 

but i'm learning. less is more sometimes. balance is key. i am enjoying a lighter workload and making time for myself. i'm even looking at vacations for late summer/early fall. europe. somewhere. maybe london. maybe ireland again. i'm not entirely sure...just that my heart misses the european air and i'm ready to take the 12382937493274 hour plane ride back to bliss. i left a piece of my heart in ireland and i feel like going back to visit it again. 

i have the most flooded feeling of contentment today. nothing special happened but, then again, nothing bad happened either and that's a victory for sure. sometimes, the ebb and flow is enough. sometimes, it's perfect. days like today remind me that i'm alive and really living. 

i know moments count. i know it more than a lot of other people and i feel like i might finally be MAKING them count. no more motions, no more fear, just unbridled courage. gosh.....it's been a while since i've found that part of myself. she's been missing for a long time but here she is, right in front of me and i think i finally put all my pieces back together--at least, the foundational ones....and then there are some new ones that have taken shape. either way, i'm glad i took the time to free my heart and find this woman who seemed to escape me for a while. i'm glad i was brave enough to want to know her again and not too scared to push her away for what is easy. 

i'm taking advantage of days like today. ordinary good days. and, now, for real this time, i'm going to get to work.