ready or not.

soooo. i'm pretty stinkin terrified.

i found a studio space. and i'm in love. but it's terrifying. every fiber of my being is so scared. what if i fall flat on my face? what if people don't come? what if there isn't really a need and it's all in my head.

what if. 

two seemingly non-threatening words but when you put them together, everything changes.

i know it's time. i know that i have been building my business hard for this exact moment. but i'm so scared. 
on top of it, i'm not sure it would change anything but it would make things a billion times more convenient. i have to believe that's more than worth it right there.

here's the thing. i can see myself there. i can see myself and my clients and their littles....and there's even a perfect little space for hypothetical henry. i can feel it with my whole heart which tells me that it isn't just a fluke. 

it's like home.

you know that saying--if your dreams don't scare you they're not big enough...well, let me tell you, i'm plenty scared but i'm plenty ready, too. my heart is ready. i'm ready. and everything about this just feels right. 

it's just logistics now. i can do it. i'm committed and hell, i've come bouncing back from a lot worse. but it's signing the paper that scares me. it's the idea that nothing is guaranteed that gets me. it's knowing there's no turning back at this point. 

but then, it's exciting. it could be life changing and the space is perfect. no more rescheduling. no more meetings at starbucks. my own little whimsical place. i cannot imagine that it wouldn't be amazing. in fact, i know it could take me even further than i am right now.

so here's the hard part. you just have to leap. it's that whole being braver thing that i have been talking about all year. it's knowing that either you'll fly or there will be a soft place to land. it's KNOWING that you can't fail.

i'm ready. this business is ready. and i'm scared but it's a good scared--the kind that motivates you....the kind that moves you.....i have everything i need.

all i have to do is jump.......

ready or not....here i come.

.braver.

random rablings today. so much on my mind....just need to let it pour out.

i've decided on a fall european vacation.

i have not decided on where the heck i'm going to make the time for it. i love ireland. in fact, i miss it with my whole heart. but then there's london that i've been dreaming of for quite a while. i wonder if i can do london and ireland. that would require a solid 10 days off at least. not sure i can make room for that. 7 is doable. 10 seems impossible with my fall photo schedule. 

either way, the european air is calling me and i really need a break. 

i've already jumped into the full swing of summer sessions although it's freezing and i cannot believe i am shooting small kids outside. finding a studio is also on the list before the end of the year. i feel like i have so many balls that i'm juggling that i'm getting tired already but i'm mostly okay so far. 

i've also been working harder on myself than ever before. down 30 pounds. and fitting that into my daily life has been harder than i expected. mostly because it's been so busy....but so far so good and i'm  not turning back now. i am doing better at taking time for myself and not over doing it although i think last week got the best of me. i don't think i slowed down once. 

i'm also BURIED under emails. i mean BURIED. but i'm not looking today. trying so hard to embrace sunday's off. i shouldn't really say that either. i do most of my editing on sundays but i'm still working. although, i'm not missing much today--it's freezing out there. 

i've been thinking ahead on a lot....by a lot i mostly mean myself and what i'm hoping to accomplish in the next couple of years and by the end of the year. 

i said that i wanted to be more brave this year. more unafraid of the consequences of going after what i want--good or bad. I think, as always, I've been braver in my professional life but I can't seem to find the courage to execute the same bravery when it comes to friendships, relationships, and various other things. I don't know if it's just that it's harder than I thought it would be or if I don't believe that the outcome will be worth the try. I often justify it by saying that the other person can do something, too. but let's be honest, not everyone is brave. it's not easy being brave

i've read so many blogs lately about how important it is to say what you need to say--life is so short--and a million other eye openers that make me believe that no matter the outcome knowing is always better than not knowing. but it's hard.

putting yourself out there is scary. 

opening your heart is scarier. 

but both are necessary.

i've always believed that no one really wants to be alone. we are alone because we are afraid. but no one loves it all of the time, myself included. while i love my time and my own space, i also love being someone's partner and team mate. 

so here I am, trying to figure out where this brave girl went hiding. I used to not care--I definitely used to much more unafraid when it came to putting myself out there but my heart's been bruised and broken in the last 5 years....and I think it took a toll I wasn't exactly prepared for. but i've got to let it go and embrace where i am in this moment....and then i've got to leave the rest behind me. because that's what's important. right now is what matters.

so i'm going to try really really hard to be braver. to act without worry of the outcome and know that whatever is meant to be will find a way. 

i have to believe that. i just have to.

because i've got to believe He isn't finished with me yet.