I spent the weekend doing some spring cleaning....parting with things, letting things go....finding boxes and things I had forgotten were there....and I stumbled across Chris' cell phone....of course, it was like a train wreck-you don't want to look but you can't help but stare--and as I turned it on, thinking it wouldn't even get past the welcome screen--this battery hasn't been charged in almost three years--and then I saw the background, a photo of us with the words "True love never fades" and I clicked the menu button, spent hours scrolling through the 500+ texts that this Motorola Razor still held and never once did it turn off...never flickered, nothing. I was comforted and reminded in so many different ways--a week or so ago I laid in bed unable to fall asleep just praying that I could hear his voice and as hard as I tried, it was faint. I remembered the way his laugh sounded but not his voice--sounds crazy, I know...but I just couldn't wrap my ears around that sweet sound. I knew I could have watched our wedding videos but, to be honest, the thought made tears well in my eyes....so instead, I just closed my eyes and remembered his laughter the best way that I could...until I found this phone and the way he even put sentences together in a text brought back his voice, his laughter, and the many memories I have of our beautiful life. Keep calm and walk on...
I kept digging through things, letting go of the many notes he had written about what tv shows he needed to record (if you know him--this was his Sunday ritual), finding photos I had tucked away to protect myself in those first few months, and embracing the fact that all of this stuff was just stuff--none of it would bring back his hug or fill his clothes ever so perfectly...absolutely none of it. In the midst of all of this finding of things I reflected on another piece of him that I have been holding on to for so long--his beloved Mustang. Last week I drove it for most of the week as my car was on loan and it was probably one of the most healing moments I've had in a very long time. This car was Chris' dream car....he LOVED every bit about that convertible...loved it so much that when he died, I couldn't imagine parting with it. As I sunk in the seat of the car I had never loved, I remembered the countless times I would complain about how the seats sat so far back and how expensive the tires were and how low it was to the ground....and every time I had thought of selling it, I justified it by saying it was his dream car--I couldn't possibly sell his favorite material possession--but so clearly, it is time. Holding on to that car won't bring him back any more than the totes full of clothes and various other favorite things. For the first time I drove that car as if it was mine, not his....and it changed so much of me. We still have memories in that car but we can't make any new ones in it...time to let go...to move on....because that car was never mine to begin with--not my dream, not even our dream. Keep calm and carry on...
Sunday evening I was driving home from my best friend's house....and my prayer was for a sign--perhaps that I was going in the right direction...and maybe even more, that I was doing the right things--mostly for the validation I so often seek from the man who changed my whole life because when you lose the love of your life you hope, more than anything, that you've just done right by them...even now. I continued that prayer for much of the night, among many others and whatever was on my heart...and woke up Monday morning feeling rested and mostly content--in fact, I only prayed thanksgiving on Monday after feeling like it was not my place to be asking for a sign when so many others have such needs. I left EDGE last night to three texts and four missed calls from my neighbor. I got in my car, frantic--maybe my house burned down, my dogs escaped, or something traumatic happened....and she, so sweetly, asked me if I was missing something. Dumbfounded, I replied--nope. We share the garbage and since Tuesday is garbage day she was calling to tell me consolidated some things and found something she didn't think I meant to throw away. I had gone through everything on the curb--in fact, my dad also went through it with me...of course, I thought Sheila was crazy and couldn't have found anything of value. She assured me I wouldn't want to throw it out and would leave it for me in my mailbox today. Of course, I went to pick up my mail tonight and inside was a white case...a sunglasses case...immediately, my heart began to skip and skip and skip....and I opened it to find a pair of Oakley sunglasses that one of my best friends had given me on my wedding day, engraved with "Mrs. Brey" on the lens. I have been looking for these glasses for over a year....I knew they were in my house somewhere but I couldn't find them....and I have no idea how they got themselves into the trash--I can say with all certainty that I did not put them there...but I had them in my hands...placed them on my face and could only feel a wave of comfort wash over me...this was, in fact, my sign.
Keep calm and move on.....
