a lesson in loving people.

there is a lot on this heart of mine tonight. so much that I just don't know where to begin.

i have had a lot of hard lessons lately in how people love. i've always believed firmly that love is a verb....and that you should never let anyone doubt how you feel about them because you never know if you'll get a chance tomorrow or the next day. we know not the time or the hour, right? because i believe this and know it from experience, i go out of my way to do grand gestures, say the most meaningful things and genuinely build people up. i tend to surround myself with similar people who love hard like i do...they are loyal and generous with their words and time and they love hard-like it's a super power.

i have recently been challenged in one of my closest relationships...at least, proximity wise....and it's made me consider a lot of things i hadn't before. it's currently challenging me to accept and be okay with a love i do not understand. i don't know what it's like to have feelings you cannot give a voice to or what it's like to not lean on people. i have believed and told myself that a lot of my experiences have forced me to learn to rely and lean on people but i don't know if that's necessarily true. while i am very self sufficient, i have always cultivated deep relationships based on my ability to lean or hold another up. an orchestrated series of give-and-take events or so it would seem. it's part of how deeply i love people.

so the hard part comes in when you learn that not everyone loves like you do.

let me say it again. not. everyone. loves. like. you. do.

which means sometimes those people who give a love that you don't understand also don't understand the outpour and overflow of love that you stuff in their face. it means that even your best intentions, grand gestures and biggest love are sometimes smothering and not at all what another needs. it means that there are people who do not need to talk about their feelings and that's completely okay. it also means that you can still have alllll of your feelings but you need to know when it's appropriate to smother and when you need to reel it in. i think i'm trying to learn the art of that....because it's a dance....sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow.

i'm also learning that just because the reaction isn't what you wanted or hoped for doesn't mean it wasn't genuine. because they didn't use words you would have or given a response you wanted doesn't take away from what they did give....and sometimes all someone has to give are the small pieces and glimpses into their hearts.

i'm not sure, at this very moment, what i want out of this relationship going forward. i know that my heart has some mending and forgiving to do. things that i do feel justified in even though i have a better understanding of how another loves. i also know that you can't change someone and you can only hope that all of the things you are have made an impact.

so here i am, hoping that i'm not the only one who has a lot to learn about loving and accepting people....and that i can find a way to accept a love that is very different than mine. it's harder than it seems....because it requires a lot of faith and trust.....that even when you're unsure, you are loved deeply and hard even if that love is quieter and does not come with a bang....maybe it comes quietly and maybe you have to pay attention a little harder because if you aren't watching you just might miss it.

deep breath, commence.

I just took the biggest breath I've taken in quite a while. It's been a long time coming. If I'm being honest, I feel like I've been holding for the better part of 6 weeks....knowing that my hard days were all coming in great succession and feeling like I have been waiting for july 12th to grace my calendar for too long.

I have contemplated a lot lately....many changes and losses that have wrecked my heart and even more uncertainty and hope for a future that I cannot fully plan. I'm a doer and believe fully in shaping my life around the dreams and goals I have for myself. I carefully cultivate one, two and five year plans. I choose to surround myself with successful, like-minded and driven individuals.

And, sometimes I don't always meet all my goals. Sometimes I lose sight, change direction and feel like I've failed.

But if I allow myself permission to also see the many things I have done I find that there is much to be proud of and strength in the ability to start over.

So while I have lately felt like I am miserably failing at work and fighting the feeling like I'm not doing enough in my business or at home, I have allowed myself to take off the blinders and see the many things I am doing right and well....even if it's just for a short time.

this is the last year of my 20's....so it, of course, feels like I need to do something big. I'm not sure what--but something to symbolize the end of this era. I have done well, especially in the last few weeks, at living in my present, doing what i can and trying not to take on too much. I know it's a balance and it will all change....but right now, I feel like all I've got to do is figure out a few very hard challenges and I'll be alright....and that, right now, is more than enough.

So, while i consider all of the plans I've made and the many things I've set out to do, I am also very aware that it's entirely okay to let myself off the hook for the many things I wanted to accomplish but didn't. I also believe, fully, that I've done a lot of other fantastic things that I never expected. Give and take. Ebb and flow. Knowing that you can fake it for as long as you possibly can until you get it together again. Believing that you are more than you can see....and knowing that you are your own worst critic.

I have faith that what I've done is plenty. I also believe that celebrating today was less about what I lost and more about what i still have. It's easy to lose sight of that and while I was certainly said, I am also beyond grateful for the many who have come to my side and rescue lately. These days will always be hard...even with an open heart for the chance at love to come again. I cannot compare my journey to anyone else's.....so, because I love hard, I will always feel them and I will always miss him. That doesn't mean I'm not still moving forward or fighting another relationship....it means that someone gave me so much of himself that I will never forget it....and I am grateful to have experienced his love on this earth.

It isn't easy. One foot in front of the other is hard. But I'm doing it. And tonight especially, I am breathing through it.

I'm glad the worst of the hard days is nearly over. I'm more glad to report that I survived them all....because that, friends, is plenty.

emotional.

there's something to be said about letting yourself off the hook. after 7 days of emotional uncertainty, i am trying harder than i have previously to let go of the many things on my heart.
i lost a friend last week....by no fault of my own....but she's gone. and i cannot tell you how that hurts my heart. especially since i was so excited to work beside her. after some very hard conversations and a lot of soul searching, i'm reminded and very aware that nothing lasts forever and even if you build a relationship, it can easily be broken. and that's hard.

on top of that, i have been fighting the awful hardness that came with showing up somewhere i'd avoided for 5 years. last thursday, i was on my way to summerfest with one of my friends when he told me he needed to make a pitstop at miller park to pick up his race packet for sunday. i have avoided that place like the plague. it was the very last thing i did with chris. he was such a brewer fan--more than most and as we pulled into the stadium and made the same loop i had made with him a dozen times, i felt my heart clench and come so close to breaking. it was surreal. i remembered him so hard....it smelled like him...and while it brought me comfort for a few moments, it mostly reminded me why those things are still so hard for me. i felt like i was in the middle of a very bad dream and had no idea what i was supposed to about it. there was no way out and it felt like a brick house was just laying there on my chest.....and then, before i knew it, we were gone and i was prepared to cry and feel something awful but instead was distracted by some of the people i love the most....so it hit me much later and has stayed with me through the weekend.

yesterday i allowed myself the space to process all of that and the many ways i need to continue to move forward which also means purging relationships that are no longer serving a purpose....one of my most beloved relationships is no longer making me a better human and it was time to put on my brave face and conquer the many feelings i had been fighting lately. so. in true olivia fashion, i decided to take a deep breath and let go. it sucked. it was hard. but it was necessary. it's crazy the many ways that life changes and, even more, the ways that you must change together in order to remain close. if you're not growing together you're growing apart, in every relationship you have. so, in an effort to keep my personal vision for myself in line, i followed that rule....and it hurts....but the hard stuff makes you grow. i believe that because i know it to be true....even if it's one of the hardest truths i know.

and, finally, the last of my hard days for a while is just around the corner. in four days, my husband would be celebrating ihs 34th birthday...i cannot imagine him any older...in fact, it's weird to me that we could have ever been older together....and while his birthday is one of the "easier" hard days, it still makes me stop in my tracks and look at how i'm spending my days and minutes. they all count. each of them....which is exactly why this hard stuff has gotten me right down deep in my soul.

so tonight, i am reminded to keep breathing. that sometimes the days when you've kept your head above water are worth more than gold....and that tomorrow has to be better. i know that, in the end, it'll be alright....it's just getting there that is the hard part. i also know that i'm stronger than i think and, on days like today, i am reminding myself of just that.