a lesson in loving people.

there is a lot on this heart of mine tonight. so much that I just don't know where to begin.

i have had a lot of hard lessons lately in how people love. i've always believed firmly that love is a verb....and that you should never let anyone doubt how you feel about them because you never know if you'll get a chance tomorrow or the next day. we know not the time or the hour, right? because i believe this and know it from experience, i go out of my way to do grand gestures, say the most meaningful things and genuinely build people up. i tend to surround myself with similar people who love hard like i do...they are loyal and generous with their words and time and they love hard-like it's a super power.

i have recently been challenged in one of my closest relationships...at least, proximity wise....and it's made me consider a lot of things i hadn't before. it's currently challenging me to accept and be okay with a love i do not understand. i don't know what it's like to have feelings you cannot give a voice to or what it's like to not lean on people. i have believed and told myself that a lot of my experiences have forced me to learn to rely and lean on people but i don't know if that's necessarily true. while i am very self sufficient, i have always cultivated deep relationships based on my ability to lean or hold another up. an orchestrated series of give-and-take events or so it would seem. it's part of how deeply i love people.

so the hard part comes in when you learn that not everyone loves like you do.

let me say it again. not. everyone. loves. like. you. do.

which means sometimes those people who give a love that you don't understand also don't understand the outpour and overflow of love that you stuff in their face. it means that even your best intentions, grand gestures and biggest love are sometimes smothering and not at all what another needs. it means that there are people who do not need to talk about their feelings and that's completely okay. it also means that you can still have alllll of your feelings but you need to know when it's appropriate to smother and when you need to reel it in. i think i'm trying to learn the art of that....because it's a dance....sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow.

i'm also learning that just because the reaction isn't what you wanted or hoped for doesn't mean it wasn't genuine. because they didn't use words you would have or given a response you wanted doesn't take away from what they did give....and sometimes all someone has to give are the small pieces and glimpses into their hearts.

i'm not sure, at this very moment, what i want out of this relationship going forward. i know that my heart has some mending and forgiving to do. things that i do feel justified in even though i have a better understanding of how another loves. i also know that you can't change someone and you can only hope that all of the things you are have made an impact.

so here i am, hoping that i'm not the only one who has a lot to learn about loving and accepting people....and that i can find a way to accept a love that is very different than mine. it's harder than it seems....because it requires a lot of faith and trust.....that even when you're unsure, you are loved deeply and hard even if that love is quieter and does not come with a bang....maybe it comes quietly and maybe you have to pay attention a little harder because if you aren't watching you just might miss it.