Rocky

It's odd...you quickly learn where you stand when you find you're on shaky ground. Isn't that life though? Nothing is perfect and even the strongest foundations can be rocked. How we react is key.

I'm realizing my attachments to things and people are, at times, one sided. It's unfortunate but people don't give the same effort that you always give. Sometimes it's the best they can do and sometimes they've convinced themselves there is no time in which to make you a priority. The two way street becomes a one way half way thru and, by then, it's too late to turn around. I was always hopeful I wouldn't get to this point but here we are....and now the detachment begins. Not because I don't care but because I need my heart to be open for someone else who really wants it.

I'm a romantic by nature....I believe in fairy tales and while it seems like a good thing, it doesn't exist...at least, not in the way everyone thinks of and hopes for. That's life I suppose. I keep trusting and hoping that God has a plan for me. I am lacking patience....but I am trying. Trying to keep my head above water long enough to know how to get out of the deep end. That's how I do it...one day at a time.

It's a good motto. One day...one minute...one moment. Just until hearts mend and time heals because we all know that it will...that time will make this heart whole again....so until then, I pray...and I work on myself.

First new endeavor...piano lessons. Stay tuned....

.Grief.

Death is a funny thing. Often unexpected, it leaves you numb, emotionless, emotional, and creates quite the paradox of feelings. When one is grieving, it is acceptable for them to feel multiple things at the very same time....healthy even....but for me, it always leaves me numb for a while and then it hits me later.

My uncle died today. While I was by no definition "close" we had a few moments that I remember...and I always knew what I could expect from him. When I got the news today, my heart immediately went back to the place where I was nearly 2 years ago....and truth be told, any death sends me there.....and I'm left holding on to a million and one different moments of that awful day....and while I certainly have done a lot of healing, I find myself clinging to God tonight....praying, listening to Him...and hoping that somehow I will find the very thing that brings me comfort....and then, I wait for the tears....but none have fallen. I feel like something is wrong...surely, I would have had something by now...but nothing. Just numb. I even feel guilty that nothing has poured out of me....but you can't force something that just isn't there yet....

I'm tired..tired of always going back to this place when I'm faced with loss. Does it ever go away? The hospital room...the funeral home...the caskets, vaults, and prayer cards...all right in front of me again....and all of the loss and the feelings that it brings....all right there....the exhaustion, utter exhaustion....and the reminder that life really is too short. How many times will I have to be taken to this place to truly understand that though? I'm not sure. You would think I would know better by now....but I still take for granted those things and people that I love...and I still find myself searching for the very things that are often right in front of me....but maybe that's all part of the learning. I'm certainly not perfect...and I'm still learning.

Whatever the reason, be thankful today....for what you have....and--for five minutes--forget about what you don't....we all draw the short straw at some point....be glad you have any straw at all.