.True.

Words have weight. Some people don't take them seriously enough. For instance, I've seen more people say wedding vows and not take them seriously in the last year than I should have. I've seen promises broken. I've seen rules bend. I've seen people give excuses instead of taking accountability. I've seen hearts break. I've even felt it myself. But it doesn't stop anyone from doing it....it doesn't stop people from promising things they don't have in them to give or from making a decision they know isn't right for them. We so badly want to convince ourselves that this is the life we planned for ourselves when sometimes, it's just not and it's even okay that it's not. It's okay that he isn't the one for you....even if you do like his paycheck....and it's okay if you can't be at every girl scout meeting, school play, piano recital, and school function that ever existed for your kids--I assure you there will be more...and it's okay if you have to say no more than you say yes sometimes. Sometimes, it's enough to be true to yourself so you can be true to others.

That also means knowing when you've changed and when the people you love just don't fit anymore. That's okay too...easier to know that than to try to force a square peg into a round hole. It's beautiful if we can grow together, but sometimes we just can't....and then it is best to know if it is time to move on or keep trying when we all know it's a lost cause. Sometimes it's okay to know that and walk away...sometimes, it's even better than okay.

Nothing is perfect and the perfect situation will rarely fall into your lap, but there are the unique moments when it does happen, and then--we need to be prepared....you know, for that amazing moment when everything you've waited for and every true-to-yourself moment has paid off....the moment when you can look yourself in the mirror and know that the person staring back is someone worth knowing, loving, and being....

.Eighteen Months.

Time is relative. Today is Christmas Eve, 18 months after I lost the love the life, and I am now approaching my second Christmas without him. It doesn't feel that long....in fact, it barely feels like this should be my second Christmas without him. And here I am, missing the person who made every part of my life better and it is difficult not to cry....but that is all part of the process. That's what they will tell you at least. I remember asking when this gets better.....and everyone says in time....but there are still these hard days that will always exist. 

Time has made things a bit easier....I don't cry every day but I think of him every single day. Now I think of the memories we have instead of the time we've lost but there are still days like today, when he would have been 30, and I reflect on the life we might have had by now....maybe a baby or maybe planning our third anniversary trip or maybe another cozy year as just us. Either way, we would have had something....anything....and it would have filled our hearts with joy. I try not to let myself go down that path all too often, only because it is difficult to consider all the plans we had made actually happening. So, yes, time has made things a bit easier but it never takes away the pain....it just puts it in a different place.

As I've watched myself change in the last 18 months, I've learned that emotions are difficult to control and grief never stops--it just changes direction. I am far less angry now than I was then but I still have days when I find myself arguing with God about how unfair it is....funny thing is that He knows it's unfair, but He trusted me with this because He needed our beautiful Christopher....and while I've accepted that this is my life now and part of me, I still struggle with the "why" and the "when will I see him again" part. All the selfish things that I think might bring me comfort and closure but I have no guarantees of that either. I have right here and right now....and that's all I know for sure....that he loved me with his whole heart and that every night when we'd stay up into the early hours of the morning, knowing we both had to work the next morning, but just deep in conversation that our marriage was built on the grounds of honesty, communication, and trust....and what a beautiful gift that is.

So, yes, today you might find tears running down my face but it's just a side effect of loving someone so much that I miss him more than I could put into words. 

But know this, above all else, I am in the best place I've been in a very long time.....my heart has come a long way from the many shattered pieces that once laid in chaos on the floor. I have let my heart open again to absolutely everything....I laugh and I have a heart full of hope that there are going to be even better moments coming for me....and I'm ready for all of that....but, for today, I'm going to miss him, think about him, remember him, and love him....because, there isn't another place in the world that my heart would be today...and that, my friends, is enough....it's just enough.

.Lost.

I thought today would be better. Hoped for it too. I re-certified my CPR license today. While people in my office were laughing at the bad acting of these real-life situations, I was reliving it in my heart. I was there when he died. I tried. I couldn't call 9-1-1 and do cpr at the very same time so I rushed to get help and came back....but they fail to tell you that the dispatcher will keep you on the phone for at least 10 minutes before you can do anything. I tried hanging up on her. She called back. If I had one more person or more time it might have made a difference but it's too late now and it doesn't change that he's gone....but every time we do this I feel that stab at my heart where those memories still live, and I re-open wounds that run deep and I can feel the blood pour out...except, it's more like tears streaming down my face. 

It's not fair. All this remembering. Every day a sign or a challenge or something that was his, reminds me of him, or sounds like him. Everyone promised it would get better....it would be easier....but it's just not. Why have I spent so much time and energy rebuilding only to be reminded of what I've lost every day? Why are the holidays the hardest and when will they get easier? Why did God give me this cross to carry? Why did He pick me? I just don't understand.

Just because I put my brave face on doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt every day and just because you don't see me cry doesn't mean that I don't. Just because I smile and laugh doesn't mean that I'm fixed. Every night half of my bed is still empty and every day I still wait for him to come home...but all I'm doing is waiting.....

And yeah, I tell people I'm okay because I am most of the time but I'm also not okay some of the time and no one really wants to be there when you're not your greatest self. No one wants to hold you while you cry because that's the deep stuff. The stuff that so many people shy away from....because they're scared, they don't know what to say, and they don't want to be the ones who send you off the deep end....but every once in a while you just need a hand to help you up off the ground....because, sometimes, this load is too heavy to carry on your own. 

So, this is me, reaching....

.Just Another Day.

The hard days still come....the days when I miss being someone's and when I miss the content feeling of comfortable happiness. I wish I could say I was immune by now but even thinking that is foolish and idealistic. Life doesn't hand you experience without the pain. I guess that's why, even now, it still burns when I get too close to the flame. 

Life goes on....it's true. Time never stopped for me as much as I begged it to some days....but it has given me a pace in which I am able to keep up most of the time....except for days like today when I found myself at the bank, troubleshooting a check made out to my husband a year and a half later, that I didn't expect. The worst is explaining it all from the beginning to people who didn't know our story....just the sad ending. I, of course, didn't have time to explain to the woman from the state that our life was filled with love and joy and that his smile made my heart beat faster and that he would text me throughout the day, every day, to let me know how I loved I am...and that he was the kindest, gentlest man you'd ever meet....that he took care of me and tried harder than anyone else I've ever known. No, I didn't get to explain that to her, or the member services representative who asked me a million questions on why I never became personal representative. I never had to...and in the midst of a funeral and putting my life back together at 24, it never became a priority.

But it happens, at the most unexpected moments....and you do the best you can to wait until you get to the car to cry or you put your brave face on until you're in the comfort of people who love you where you can break down and they will still understand. 

I still see him....his curly hair and freckles. I remember his cold nose as he'd kiss me goodbye after blowing out our driveway. He told me that every morning he prayed to God to protect me....his family....and to let him come home each night. I remember the rare chance that I would catch him leaving as he blew a kiss goodbye and how we often wished we could spend these snowy, cold, blustery days curled up in bed together....when we both knew we'd find ourselves quite bored by 10:30 and would be up doing other things. I still remember his hands--they were always a bit dry, especially in the winter....but they always reached for mine. 

It's great to remember but with the remembering comes the harsh jab of loneliness....and, for me, the loneliness often brings tears....but I think that's okay....means I'm human....that I have a heart that feels the highest highs and lowest lows at any given moment....and that I'm real....I have bad days just like everyone else. But I'm a little bit stronger for it....and sometimes, the best thing about experience is about knowing when to call it a night and hope that tomorrow will be better.

.Messy.

You can't have everything.....but you can love what you have. That is something I've learned the hard way too many times. The unfortunate part is that some people convince themselves they love what they have and that they're happy, when everyone sees right through it. Being miserable is a choice....one that too many people choose for all the wrong reasons.

I used to think that people could see the messes they were in....I'm certain now that some people just keep adding to it....for fear that they will have to start over from scratch and well, who really wants to do that? No one. Someday, though, we all meet our crossroads--you know, the one where we have to make a choice and go left or right, not on the same straight, worn and beaten path. The hard part is we never know when someday is here....and often, we miss it--we let ourselves get caught up in daily life....in everything that got us in the mess in the first place and then what....where do we go from there? I don't know the answer to that. I've, thankfully, spent the last nearly 18 months staring every crossroad in the face and used them all to make me better. Sometimes it didn't work and I found myself back a few steps, but it was inevitable that I would meet those crossroads again, at a better time, when I knew myself enough to know my own limitations. It's a beautiful thing when you know where you stand.....with yourself. 

I know a few things for certain...you get what you give.....you don't know what you've got until it's gone....and sometimes we hold on for far too long to the things we should have let go and other times we let go of the things we should have held on to. Life is made up of trial and error, decisions, and the thought that we do the best we can. It doesn't mean it's easy or fair all of the time....just that our best judgment is all we can count on. I think we hold ourselves to high expectations and rarely let ourselves off the hook when our needs change. We try to mold our needs to our wants and sometimes they just don't fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. Sometimes things change for a good reason....and sometimes we have to modify our plans so that something better can come along......but it's all about timing and knowing when we are ready for that change....and then, embracing that change is even scarier than just staring it in the face. 

But, here I am, knowing that I'm better for having gone through every rough patch and for having been hurt for no reason by a lot of different people at a lot of different times....and I refuse to let myself become bitter for things outside of my own control. You have to take the good with the bad...nothing in this world has ever survived without both.

.Reflection.

I lost a friend today. By no fault of my own....or his. Insecurities from someone else who, I thought, knew me well enough to know the kind of person I am....yet she drove this decision....in good faith that she was protecting what was hers...and here I sit, a little emptier for it.....by no fault of my own....because her poor decisions brought paranoia and worry to the forefront. 

I often wonder how people com to conclusions about things they know little about. No one knows the depth of my heart except for me and while I've always been straight forward on where I stand with everyone, people still second guess, doubt, and believe whatever it is that they want. Removing me from the situation won't make you any happier and it won't solve any of your problems. I was never one of them to begin with. It will, though, make you feel like you did something and if that's what you're looking for, I think you picked the wrong something.

I am disappointed, hurt, and upset, too, that he didn't stand up for me. I'm a great friend--he knows the kind of person I am--but apparently it means little when faced between a rock and a hard place. I have learned the hard way that I am replaceable....which is almost as hard to swallow as losing a friend by no fault of my own. I'd like to think that if I was faced with the same situation that I would fight for the people and things I love and that I would be respected for it. 

I know things are more complicated....that it's not just black and white or cut and dried but sometimes I wonder how we end up here....looking selfishness in the face and I wonder how I've drawn the short end on both sides of the stick. I keep telling myself it's okay in hopes that soon enough, I'll start believing it.

It's hard to find a silver lining in all of this. I'm trying to find one--that maybe it will send them back on the upswing or maybe it will halt the downward spiral or maybe it will make them happy again...maybe. All I know is that it better be worth something because I'd hate to have been hurt for no good reason.

So, now is the part where I pray for patience and acceptance as I become a spectator in a life that I care about. I have stayed true to myself and for that, I am thankful....I have nothing to be ashamed of....and while none of that means anything to her, I know that I can look myself in the mirror and I'll sleep just fine tonight.

.Live.

My best friend and I got to talking about dying last night....more specifically, what would happen if we died? Who would come to our funerals? Would anyone miss us? Who would take care of our homes and the pieces of our lives? What would happen to our pictures and would people have memories they'd hold on to for the rest of their lives? 

It wasn't discussed in a depressing, morbid kind of way...more of, what can we do now to ensure that when that final date goes on our tombstone that we didn't miss out on anything--that we lived with our whole hearts and our whole lives. I don't know that there's a formula for living well--just that you should try each day....and I'm not sure that once we get to Heaven, it will all even matter. In fact, I know it won't. I think, now, about the things I would miss from earth....while I also realize that once I'm there I will likely not miss a single thing, instead, I will be able to check in on those very people and things I so love now. 

I don't know what it's like to die and I don't know what Heaven is like but I do know what it's like to live. I know what it's like to feel the blood pump through my veins when I'm excited, nervous, or have something amazing happening. I know what it's like to see a beautiful sunrise and a breathtaking sunset. I've seen parts of the world and I've left my footprints there. I've loved deeply. I've fallen and gotten back up. I've been hurt and I've been unconditionally. I've gotten in stupid fights, meaningful fights, and I've found the true healing in forgiveness. I've rocked babies to sleep and I've worked hard. I've gotten on my knees and prayed and Iv'e heard and seen God answer back.

So much of living is in the little every day things that we often find ourselves frustrated, exhausted, and over-run with. So much of it is the way we appreciate people and how we treat them....how we carry ourselves and how we bounce back from the bottom. It's days like these when I realize so much of living is in the loving.

.Maybe.....Maybe Not.

It's been a while since my heart felt compelled to write. Truth is, I've spread myself a bit thinner than I would like and I'm trying to find the balance again. Trying, at least, to carve out some time for myself among the time for everyone and everything else I've committed too. It's been a challenge and a blessing all at the same time.

I have been more aware of my surroundings lately, especially with the holidays upon us. Thanksgiving this year was harder than last, for a number of reasons I'm sure....but somehow, they don't really matter except that my heart hurts and notices now, more than ever, the emptiness that still lingers. Things feel less joyful than ever before and while I have a desire to break out the Christmas tree this year, the act of taking it out of the box and putting the ornaments on it seem treacherous. I planned to put lights outside this year but I've yet to get them down from storage and am still searching for the motivation to tackle them....and maybe it's baby steps--one thing at a time....maybe the tree and the interior is enough for this year, maybe it's a step to redecorating the interior of my own heart while I'm at it. Maybe. And maybe it's just one of those things that will come over me and I will do out of the blue. Maybe.

Life is made up of a whole lot of maybes. I think it's why people are so scared of commitment. Maybe it won't work. Maybe it won't be what I was hoping for. Maybe it'll be too much of a good thing. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe if we stopped over thinking it and committed to what makes us happy then maybe we'd get the maybe that made all the difference. Believe me, I know that's a lot of 'maybe's' but I often wonder if I'm the only one who thinks about....I wonder if I'm the only girl in the universe who doesn't wonder how some people are so blissfully happy while others are so miserably unhappy. I'd love a balance of both.....maybe it's even myself who says maybe too much.....or maybe my over-committing is my downfall. I will say yes to just about anyone for just about anything. See, there's a fine line for both--saying yes too much and then saying no entirely too much too. There must be a balance I haven't achieved yet. I continually try to find it but I've got some work to do.

For now, though, I'll work on a few less maybes and a few more definites....even if it just one more no that gives me five extra minutes a day....it's five minutes that I will surely take.

.Can Lightning Strike Twice?.

I still believe in happy endings. I believe love can happen more than once and that you can live happily ever after again. I didn't always believe this was possible....in fact, I thought it was like lightning--it will only strike the same place once and you could only find that kind of love once in a lifetime and then it was stripped away from me....and now, here I am, hopeful that it could again occur for me....hopeful that lightning could strike twice. 

It's a pretty amazing transformation from where I was once....and there's nothing like the renewing hope that fills my heart when I think about it. It's scary too.....really scary....but what isn't scary in life? Taking that new job is pretty scary and sometimes, staying where you are at is pretty scary too....anything can happen at any time so I think fear is built in to life....but I'd hate to look back on life and think what if? What if I had done that sooner or what if I had taken a chance or what if I just stopped thinking so much and let lightning strike without dodging it....a million what ifs and no answers make for a lot of hypotheticals. 

I wonder, often, about when the right time is to put myself out there again....people tell me I'll just "know" and I'll just have the right feeling about it. Sometimes I over think it....wonder about it...and then, well, I usually don't get very far. I think that's just human nature....to get caught up in the analyzing of it all....so I'm going to try to be simpler...if it's even possible.

If I've learned anything it's that there will never be an exactly perfect situation with two perfect people at exactly the perfect time. Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and find perfection in all of the crazy ways that life occurs....sometimes you even have to make it for yourself, because when lightning strikes it sure can stir things up....or it can be the most beautiful sight you've ever seen.

.The Sounds Of Silence.

Silence speaks volumes....so does avoidance. Both of which I have experienced a lot of in the last few weeks. It's funny. You ask and they tell you that nothing's wrong but really....I'm not stupid. I'm fully aware and smart enough to know that you are a.) avoiding me and b.) ignoring me. Busy is quite an excuse when I see that you still spend time with other people and find 5 or 15 minutes to check in with everyone else. Nothing irritates me more than when people think I won't figure it out. Believe me, I've got it....loud and clear.

So, why can't we just be honest? Why can't we all just have five minutes of honesty and part ways or come back together? Why do the "golden rules" that we're taught as children not apply when we grow up....I know why. Fear. Intimidation. All the things we hate about life. I guess it could be worse...I could get a random text message about it without even a phone conversation to discuss it....then again, I don't even know what "it" is and my phone number could already be deleted out of the phone. Either way, it doesn't appear I'll be getting any answers any time soon....so this is me, accepting just that. I guess these are just the low points in life. The ones where we shake our heads in wonder trying to figure it out, knowing we just can't and somehow that's got to be enough.

I know all about not getting answers....but I don't know about walking away without looking back. I'm not good at that part....it's the very same reason I still hold on tightly to the small things I have left of Chris and take so seriously the way he is talked about or remembered. I have a hard time walking away...or maybe that it's hard for me to go far enough away where I can't see it in the distance if I'm looking back. Maybe it's all relative and maybe it's not. Maybe the inches and feet do count. Maybe the kind of shoes make a difference. Maybe who I am is someone who loves and cares too much. Maybe I am naive to believe that not everyone will hurt you.

There's nothing special about today. Nothing that happened or didn't happen. Just another normal day where I still search for answers I'll never have and where I hope for comfort in some form that would even come close to the comfort I had knowing there was someone who held my heart tightly and would have given anything to save it from breaking.

.Soft Spot.

We all have them. That weak spot that you don't tell anyone about because it makes you vulnerable and well, it hurts. Then someone, not knowing, brings it up or attacks you about it and your weak spot is exposed and you are left to try to explain just why it hurts so much.

Most people assume that mine is Chris....but it's not. Chris and his amazing life speak volumes for itself and there is no one who would dare attack a dead man's character....at least, not in the company of his wife. But then....there's me and a million and one judgments on how I've "moved on" or how I've spent the last 16 months putting myself back together and I can take most of them until someone would even dare to question who I am now...because I've worked really hard to get here....to this point...where my whole life isn't consumed by what I've lost and still registers joy and happiness. The point where I laugh more than I cry and where my days are spent filled with hope and love.

So here I am....weak spot exposed....knowing I had the wind knocked out of me....and what's funny is I never expect it. I always find myself caught off guard. Well maybe not funny, but ironic. You'd think by now I'd be half expecting it with nearly every person I meet....maybe it's me being naive....maybe it's me trying to find the rainbow in every storm. Maybe people are just unhappy in their own lives. Either way, it still stings and seems to grab on to me without letting go....probably because I have to see this person nearly every day and mostly because I just don't want to. 

We all have that soft spot...the spot that we only reveal when we aren't sure what else to do. The spot that will make us laugh and cry at the very same time. the spot that gives us hope and despair....it's the spot where both good and bad collide and somehow there seems to be a big mess of things in between. For tonight, it's my hope that I can make my way out of the mess and try again tomorrow. Every day is different. Maybe tomorrow could be the best yet. Maybe.

.Taking Chances.

Sometimes I lose sight of the big picture....what is most important...and then, out of the blue, something comes along and slaps me across the face as if to tell me I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Tonight, it was a group of seven eighth grade girls who really didn't know each other but made every effort to be loving and welcoming....to be living examples for all of us to see.

It doesn't take much for me to understand it....I suppose a slap in the face works just fine to get the message across and believe me, I get it. Life isn't as complicated as people say. Sure....it's not easy, but we all want the same things. We all want to be happy, to find that we've spent our days in such a way that we will be welcomed into Heaven by the angels....and yet we count our hard times far more than our many blessings. It makes me wonder, when will anything ever be enough? What or how much do you need to have before you start saying "thank you" more than "I need....." ? How much does one need to be happy? The ideal answer is just love....but so many people aren't satisfied with that gift. It really is. Love hurts sometimes. Love is hard work. Love is a verb. We say it quickly and often forget that those three words mean something....and sometimes we forget the meaning and we say it too soon or even to those who hurt us.....but love anyway. Love the finest way you know. No one will ever scold you for loving too much....but you will quickly find that if you don't love enough you will scold yourself. 

I think it's easy to worry about what loving can do....what if my heart gets broken....what if my pieces never fit back together....what if I'm not good at it......but what if you are.....what if you took the love you had to give and just gave it....sure you might get hurt, but chances are you might also find your soul satisfied and fed. 

So, I think I'll take my chances and hope for the best....for it is true, broken hearts do heal....but the heart that remains intact has never known the depth of true joy.

.The Art Of Running Down Hill.

For better or worse I will love you....from here to the moon. It is true....and it never ever goes away. I've done a lot of praying and reflecting about acceptance as of late....and, well, the best way for me to get it out is just to talk to Chris....because, as always, he's been the best sounding board I've ever had.

Hi Monkey,
It's been a while since I've resorted to a real letter...a while since I've really thought about you and me and well, where I'm at. I'm not sure why but I think it's time to cross over the top of this hill....you know, the one where I accept what's happened fully and the one where I think about you with more laughter than tears. That big one that I've been climbing but stopped part way up. A lot of it is fear that I will forget....your voice, your hug, your everything....and that you might not come around as much anymore. Believe me, I know it's ridiculous. I know that you're here. I know that I could never forget the arms that wrapped around me nearly every day for 2194 days....but it was always my job to be the worrier and I did it well and so, here I am...telling you I'm ready to start the downhill run to joy and happiness....but it would be easier if I knew you were ready too. You know I've always needed reassurance.

Anyway, I want you to know that I love you....more than I've ever loved anyone....that I'm going to be okay....and that I will always need you. You told me I have to communicate my needs effectively, so this is me, telling you I'm going to continue to talk to you every day and that you could send me a sign once in a while....this is me letting you know that I will need you to just listen and not say anything sometimes....this is me, needing you for better or for worse until death do us part.....because no matter what I will always be your wife....I will always love you from here to the moon....but I need to start the descent....I'm getting tired of climbing and we all know what a whiner I can be. I need to do this for us....and for me. I know you get it, I know you understand, but it's so hard to say these words out loud because, while I carry you with me every day, I need to carry less of the burden and more of the love.

There's one more thing before I go.....I met someone....and I'm sure you have had your hand in this....I'm not sure where it will go or what will happen but I appreciate him. He wants to know about you and he laughs when I tell him about our funniest moments....I just want you to know I still love you and if there is any comfort, know that I loved you first and last.....because this love never ends....this love won't ever go away and well, we were the greatest team....and that can't get erased or put away in a box.

I'm going to start going over the hill now....and if I seem to run down the hill instead of walk, don't be discouraged....I'll always find myself running to you and us and our beautiful love. always.

Love,
Your Livvy.

.Tick Tock.

The only permanence in life is it's impermanence. I've been thinking about that statement a lot lately. Time is what we all wish we had more of and yet we pack our days with everything and anything we can so that when we want and need time for ourselves, it can't exist--we haven't penciled ourselves in. I've made a huge effort at making myself a priority again...a real one--not just one that I tell others I've done--and taking time for me. This means I'm learning to say no....and as hard as it is, I'm trying to embrace it. 

I'm not very good at change....the only reason I've changed anything in the last 15 months is because I didn't have a choice. When you don't have a choice your options become quite clear cut....you have choices but the alternatives are less than desirable. Of course, I could have hosted my own pity party each day but that didn't go with my job or my faith or anything else for that matter. My choice was to keep moving, make the best of it, and start over. I wanted to fight it....but truth is, I didn't have much fight left in me when I committed to making the best of it....and, well, I committed.

I've had a rough couple of days. It comes and goes but this one makes me wonder what I'm doing with my precious time. What purpose is left for me....and where do I fit exactly? It's hard not to feel like I'm nowhere on a map....but I am. I'm still figuring it out. I'm not quite sure where I'm going but I realize that my time here is short and that adds a bit of impatience to it all. I don't want to wait. I want to know now where I'm headed and if I should keep going that way. Believe me, my head knows this is all part of the process but I just get discouraged and need reassurance that I'm going to make it.

So much of life is a shot in the dark. Nothing always makes sense and we make decisions by following our heart....even when it's broken...and we hope for the best or we hope that it can't be that bad and that if it is, we comfort ourselves by saying it could always be worse. Somehow we rationalize that life experience will count for something someday....but maybe it's not about the things that happened to us as it is how we reacted. Were we honest with ourselves and others....did we do the best we could....did we let it change us for the better? Did we adapt? 

So, it is true, I don't know where I'm going....but I'm on my way...

.The Push and Pull Effect.

I reached. I tried. You didn't reach back. I can't make you....I don't want to force you. Either you want to or you don't. It's pretty simple, really. I'm not going to make it bigger than it is...you were there and you're not now...and somehow, I'm okay with it. I'm okay because I tried. I gave it all I could. I sent out a handful of flares hoping you would see one in the air, but you didn't....and I knew you wouldn't....and here we are. 

It's funny, I thought it would hurt more....I thought your silence was better than walking away...turns out, walking away is better. I don't know why I thought your avoidance was easier--maybe that we'd run into people we both know and still talk about each other using the word "friend" but the hard truth is, we haven't been for a while. You kept me around because you needed me and now you don't and here I am...shutting the door and doing so without any regrets. 

The other part that gets me is that I thought we wouldn't get to this point....I thought we were adult enough to deal with it....talk about it...and be better for it.....but the worst part is that I don't even know what "it" is. You pulled away, I watched it happen, blamed it on a thousand excuses like you're busy, you've got a lot of irons in the fire, you just don't have the time but the hardest truth of all is knowing that if I mattered enough you would make the time. It would be hard but you'd prioritize. You'd walk out of the little bubble you live in and you'd want to know what goes on in mine....even for five minutes....but you haven't and I truly hope you are happy. I hope your bubble can sustain you for the rest of your life. I hope you don't need me. I hope you won't miss me. I hope I'll just be a part of your past.....because you pushed away and I didn't pull back. 

It's simple really. All comes down to science. You pushed, I stopped pulling. I'll miss you....but reprioritizing is necessary. Always.

.Ireland.

I miss Ireland. Sigh. That trip changed my life....and I miss the beauty of it all. I miss a whole week with my best friends and a culture that would ultimately capture my heart. There's nothing like finding yourself among those who don't know you....it's freeing and beautiful. Ireland changed me and I miss that country.

I've never fallen in love with a place before....but it was hard not to here. The people were so sweet, everyone so helpful....the scenery so breathtaking....the castles filled me with awe....and the churches--well, they captivated me. There is nothing about that trip that I didn't love....except maybe the first day of driving. I miss the way I felt when I was there....it's amazing to not have any stress other than what you are going to do that day. It's amazing to just explore something I could never have known before and to learn absolutely everything I could in such a short amount of time. Amazing. 

I want to go back. A million times. I want to see more....meet more people.....find more little restaurants....spend more time in the green pastures....see more sheep. Sigh. I miss Ireland. I wish I could take everyone I love there. I wish you could all feel the love I have for it in these words. I wish we could teleport there. I wish you could know, for five minutes, the feeling I still get in my heart. 

Oh, Ireland, how I miss you....don't worry, I'll be back again someday...to be ever changed again.

.Observations.

There are no do-overs in life....for me, only in mini-golf and even then, they're usually pointless....but why do we often choose to do things as if we have a do-over in store somewhere and can pull it out when necessary? I don't understand it. People get hurt and we rely on apologies and forgiveness and while both of those are very important, why not just do the right thing to begin with? I understand that people will always get hurt, often unintentionally, but it's the intentional decisions that make me question people and their motives.

I guess that's how people get cynical....because we get burned one too many times....because hearts get broken and people's tolerance shattered.....because we begin to actually believe we really are better off alone.....but who wants to be alone? No one. Then we become bitter. It's a vicious cycle really....and all because, sometimes, people don't say what they mean because they don't want to hurt someone else....and instead, people get trampled on and run over and sometimes you don't come out of it the same....sometimes it just hurts.

I've seen it happen a lot....experienced it myself a few times too. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes....I guess I just wish people were more true to themselves....and less worried about how everyone will see them. I need to work on this myself but I think if we tried harder at this, everything else might fall into place. It's funny though, we keep on doing the same things, often hoping they're working and even the people closest to us have a hard time telling us how it is....I guess I'm a believer that if I love you enough, then you deserve to know how you're treating yourself and others....not everyone appreciates this....in fact, there are few people who want you to dig deep enough to move past the surface and tell you how it is. Maybe that's why I've lost some friends....because honesty, as much as everyone wants it, isn't as appreciated as a sugarcoated compliment.

I'm not sure what made me think of all of this today....just that I'm a good observer and, lately, a better listener. I've seen the way people treat each other and it could be better. I've been this person at times in my life....but I'm thankful I'm not her anymore. I'm not getting any kind of a do-over....so I'm going to make the best of what I've got right now.

.Fifteen Months.

For good measure, I want to reflect on today. Today is 15 months since I last laid eyes on my beautiful Christopher....and so much has changed since then. I remember this time last year--Christmas was creeping in, Thanksgiving, the change of seasons....the cold....the long winter I was dreading....the tears, the laughter, the numbness...all of it is so fresh in my mind still. I don't know why that stuff stays with you. I mean, those ugly moments have a way of sticking around. The difference now is that they are mostly just an after thought....and my heart is filled with more hope than anything else. I am hopeful that my future will be filled with more of the beautiful moments than the ugly. While it takes time for that...I am hopeful.

In fact, I am hopeful and even a bit excited for Christmas this year. I've been thinking of getting myself a new tree. Ours has been quite climbed on from the cats and I compromised for color lights when I really wanted white. Chris thought white was boring. So, maybe I can go with boring this year.....boring is good sometimes. And, maybe a smaller one...maybe even a real one. Except real ones are a lot of work. Hmm. Decisions and options. I'll probably still get a fake one....I do boring well.

I still dread the long cold winters but this year I'm doing better at occupying my time. I've got things going on, stuff planned, and well, more activities that are less about distractions and more about constructive things that make me happy...or happier. You know, the good stuff that I wasn't so aware of this time last year.

Fifteen months...I still can't wrap my brain around that number. Fifteen. 1-5. It feels so long. In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't....but each day feels like forever. Sometimes the minutes still feel like hours and most of the time I stand back wondering if it could really be this long since I heard his voice or saw him smile or felt his arms wrap around me...and then I am reminded that it has been this long and while the days that pass are hard....most of the time, they're pretty all right. I laugh with my whole heart and I have joy in my life again. I sing as if no one can hear me and I listen harder to the people I love.....I dream bigger...I pray more.....and I love deeper. 

Sometimes people lose someone they love and they become bitter and angry instead of appreciating what we still have left. Believe me, I know as much as the next person that it doesn't always feel like much....but I also know that I am so blessed. I believe my heart will explode again....and for what reason, I'm not quite sure. So much of it is just having faith that this is just part of the journey. Yes, it happened to me. The love of my life died...but I'm not the only one it's ever happened to and it won't define me. It's just part of me. A big part.....but only part. I still appreciate being called Mrs. and I still am Olivia....I can be both....because God gave me the gift and, at times, the burden of being both....but it is because of hope, faith, and a lot of love, that I stand here today with more strength than I could have ever imagined having....all because of one man who would change the course of my life forever....and how blessed am I that he chose me. Beautifully blessed.

.Off The Hook.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing....forgiveness of self is even more powerful. I've been thinking a lot about that lately....letting myself off the hook for the things I could have probably handled a little differently and didn't....but can't change now. 

We surely are our own worst critics....we judge ourselves on how we look....how many abbreviations follow our name....how many zeroes are on our tax returns....how many friends we have on facebook....how big and fancy our car is....and how many square feet our house is. Rarely do we judge ourselves based on the random acts of kindness we have done....the depth of our prayers....the times we have been there when we were needed the most...the number of people we have helped....the countless hours we put into our full-time jobs and even more, the hours we put in when we come home and take care of everyone else. 

Don't get me wrong it is good to want more and to strive for better....to want our dreams to come true....but how long will we spend hanging our hats on our shortcomings? I used to think it was just me who always held myself accountable for all the things I haven't done but....on the other hand, I sure have done a whole lot with my life....and I'm a good person....there isn't a single abbreviation I could put after my name more important than that. 

Maybe today is the day I let myself off the hook....forgive myself for all the things I wish I could have been and accept that who I am is nothing less than any of those other big dreams I had once imagined....my life just truly went in a different direction and when people ask me, I always tell them I would do it all over again. I wouldn't say that if I didn't believe it. Maybe today is the day I stop holding myself to the unattainable and embrace the person I have become....because, while this journey has been long already....I have become a strong, faithful, loving, compassionate, caring, giving woman...and there isn't a single thing that could trump any of the above on the shortcoming list....not a house, a clothing size, a salary, any amount of friends on facebook, or any kind of brand name car. 

So, tonight is the night I forgive myself....let myself off the hook....and love every single bit of who I've become. She's pretty amazing....you might want to know her :) 

.Quality.

Talking is hard sometimes. I mean, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but you must, at times, let them know how you feel....and hope, that, if they're your friends they understand where you're coming from or they will try to understand. Sometimes, it doesn't go that way. Other times it goes better than planned...and sometimes, you just don't know how it went. Sometimes it's enough to just hope that you get through to the other person, even if it doesn't always make sense or seem right. 

That was my pep talk for myself. I feel it's time to address these very things with a friend or two of mine. It's funny, we don't know what we've got until it's gone and I'm pretty close to walking away. This isn't to say that they will miss me, but I know I will miss them and wonder what is going on in their lives and as much as I want to be there for them, I might not be and that is well, scary.....but sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. I always consider what I would tell one of my own friends in this very same situation....and then I try to take my own advice...you know, lead by example....except, example can sometimes be the hardest part. I don't want to be that person that puts it all out there because maybe, instead, they will walk away from me. Maybe I will be the one that loses. You never know how it will go....uncharted territory. Scary.....but I have faith that sometimes we do what is necessary, and that isn't always necessarily what is easiest. I sure could keep treading water and not get anywhere and sit in this spot with these friends who don't care enough to dig deep with me....and sure I'd have enough friends to invite to a cookout once or twice a year....but it's quality that I need, not quantity.

I'm not quite sure when the right time will be...if there ever even is a right time to have these blunt, honest conversations. I'm hopeful that it will just happen and before I know it will be over and we can see where we go from here. I believe God brings people into our lives at different times for different reasons...I'm not always sure of what they are but I hope that maybe we can get back on the same path and if we can't, then I am hopeful that I can be thankful...for the time we had and the things they have taught me....and mostly, for the love that they gave me.

.Ramblings.

I have a lot on my heart tonight. A lot. I'm not even sure where to begin. 

I'm blessed to have spent the last two days with really amazing people and friends. Today I got to go to an EDGE conference....it's for our church and I am a core team member leading middle schoolers to dig deep in their faith. So I was there today, soaking in all this information and trying to figure out how God lead me to this place in my life....but I don't know....maybe that's the true gift and beauty of it all....that I ended up here....that God placed me on this journey in just the right places at just the right times. It's days like today where I realize what little control I have over everything...

I've recently taken a look at my life as if I was on the outside....a look at this journey of mine. Realistic. Honest. Positive. I've come a long way from the stupid things I once did to the massive loss that changed my life forever to just being so thankful. It's been a long road and it's not even close to being over yet but I am so blessed. 

It is easy to find the negative in things. So often we forget all of the good we do....affirmation is necessary. We need to build people up--focus less on shortcomings and more on the positives, even when they don't seem to be all that much at times. I think if we did that we might be more successful in our own expectations and desires. Maybe we'd be happier....or more content with our own place in life. 

There are a lot of variables....but I have a whole lot of faith that good will always win and the good guys don't always finish last..

.Drip...Drip...Drop.

I love the rain....in fact, I would take a rainy thunderstorm once a week if I had a choice. It soothes me....and gives me an excuse to move a little slower and take things in that I normally wouldn't. I love the smell of it, the way it looks on the grass, and the way the air feels when you walk into it just after a good storm...crisp and cool (most of the time) 

I used to hate thunderstorms.....I have a vivid memory from when I was about 4 or 5 and I ran and hid under my dad's desk....he didn't see me under there and kicked me on accident when pulling in his chair--I squealed, of course, and it was then he told me that only Oscar The Grouch is afraid of thunderstorms and if I wasn't careful, the next time I went to hide under his desk, Mr. The Grouch himself might be waiting. Well that scared me enough to fall in love with them....I slept in the upstairs of our house at the time and when it would rain I'd go to the window and watch...even though I knew I should be sleeping....it became a relationship for me....the lightning and the thunder, and a little girl wishing a thousand wishes and talking to the Heavens as if they were her best friends. 

Not much has changed since then....except that I now know Oscar The Grouch lives and stays on Sesame Street...and I now have my own home where I open all the blinds to watch the rain hit the windows in some sort of rhythm. Maybe I love it so much because I know I can always count on the rain....I can count on it to be wet, the sky to be dark (usually), and I have relied on it my whole life to be the perfect lullaby just before bed. The thing I love the most though....are the rainbows.....little glimpses of Heaven wrapped into 7 or so magical colors, in perfect alignment, arching the sky. I always wondered how a rainbow happened until I just stopped worrying about it and, instead, took in the awe and wonder of it all. 

There are few things I rely on in my life as much as I do the rain....the pitter patter of the raindrops calms me....brings me inside my own head long enough to sort things out and sets me on my way again when the sunshine peeks through the clouds. Most of them time people associate these gloomy days with gloomy moods....but for me, it brings much needed peace and consistency....and while it is even difficult for me to get out of bed on these rainy days, it doesn't take much for me to go to my own windows and wish a thousand wishes.

.Slow Fade.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone....that's what they tell you. I just wonder, lately, why it must take the losing for people to have appreciated the having. Today isn't any different than any other day....but today is the day I think I'll stop making excuses for everyone else that hasn't made the time for me.

I'm good at throwing out life vests when people need it....in fact, I will throw you a life vest, bring you ice cream, and sit and talk about whatever it is that has you sinking.....but when I need a life vest...well, I find myself floating until I reach land on my own. It's becoming exhausting....and I'm finding myself drained. I don't know that I need anything but your time...and it seems that has become less and less. Yet, I spend my own time considering all the things that make you busy and make excuses as to why you just can't make time for me...and then I get upset and then I ask myself why I'm so upset about it--it's not like it hasn't been this way for a while....but I still want you to be a part of my life.

Sometimes I wish cutting ties was easier...but it always gets messy--seems, the blades are never sharp enough to cut straight through...there are always pieces that linger. Pieces that are left behind and memories....but the pieces won't ever fit back together again....at least, not in the same way. That's life though. Life happens. All the time. Unexpected things happen and people change and the people you once knew aren't the same. Sometimes we change with them and other times we don't....other times we stand back and watch as they go a different direction and we stand here, in our same spot, wondering how we got separated. It can happen quickly or it can take a while....most of the time it's just a slow fade.

So, here I am, wondering why it has taken all of this for me to see that the slow fade has happened and now someone just has to walk away. At this point, it will have to be me. I'm not sure if I'm ready but I don't know that there are any other options. Or maybe I should throw out the life preserver one last time....you know, for old times sake....except, I'm not even sure you'll be there to catch it.

.Stories.

Have you ever walked through a cemetery? I, of course, have....but not with as much curiosity as just this last Friday. My longest best friend came for the weekend....and she had never seen Chris' spot so, of course, I took her to his beautiful place beneath the large tree that now sheltered his body from the storms and the snow. We began to walk....checking dates, doing the math in our heads, wondering about these people's lives and stories, and in turn, wondering if there are people just like us that walk by Chris' and my stone and wonder those very same things. Maybe. 

This is what I would tell them......that he was loved. So often people have told me of the many things and reasons Chris was taken so early but what I think people forget is that Chris, too, was touched by all of us...and loved unconditionally. I've had many tell me about his "purpose" in my life...but perhaps I, too, had purpose for him...perhaps my love was part of his very beautiful life. I would tell them he was happy....so full of life. He loved with his whole heart and was the best man you'd ever meet. I'd tell them he was funny....so funny. I'd talk about his love for his sports teams and how he'd turn into the biggest grouch when they lost....I would dread Packer Sundays if they lost. I'd invite them to sit under the comfort of this very large tree and listen to his story while I reminisced about his life. It really doesn't feel this long.....sometimes I still feel like this is the longest game of hide and seek we've ever played. Of course, I wouldn't have to tell anyone that. 

Then, we would walk away....and I would think about those people every now and again for the rest of my life....and they might think of me.....but they would always think of Chris...because, well, I'm sure they would be back to walk through the cemetery again and he's not going anywhere. It amazes me how some things will always stay with you. Some lives, some people....because we all have a story. 

Often I would walk past those headstones just on my way to get to Chris......and now, I have a much different view. It has made me so conscious of how short and precious life is....how sacred love is....and that we never know when the time will be....I certainly don't want my end date on our stone just yet....so it's time to make the best of the moments we've got....because my story certainly isn't done being written yet.

.Getting Real.

What's the best part of your day? Or what made you happy today? I've been focusing more on those two things....asking people what has made them smile instead of just "how are you." I've noticed that people tend to always give you the same old "good" response when you ask them how they are and even when you give them an honest answer....it sometimes catches people off guard. How are you has now become a means of quick communication--you know, just something to say in between your busy meetings and appointments so people actually think you want to know....but I really do want to know....the real answer.

I have found more and more that people want you to believe their lives are more than what they are. People will lie to themselves and others when confronted on how they are, their relationship is, their job is or how their checkbook looks. It's amazing...we all want others to see more than there is but what we need to see is what really is. It's hard--we don't want people to know what hurts us or what we carry in the darkest places of our hearts....and maybe it doesn't have to go that deep....maybe we just need to use a different word. Maybe we just have to have one person who we can tell the darkest places of our hearts to. Maybe that's enough....or, for some of us, a good start.

So, how am I....I'm sure you are wondering. : ) I am pretty all right. Busy. Trying to juggle lots of different balls in the air and, at times, I am not quite so successful....but trial and error is what defines us. You know, the whole falling and getting back up part. My relationships is challenging--long distance has never really been my thing. My job is good--I find myself happy at work and feel like I do a good job and make a difference....I can tell you I don't know how I landed this job or how God placed me here but it has been a true blessing. My checkbook is balanced...after a lot of backyard projects, I'm back to saving, saving, saving....but thoroughly love this backyard of mine. I have a super busy day of appointments ahead of me tomorrow and a wedding for some of my very best friends this weekend. It's going to be pretty amazing and I'm excited I get to share in it. It has made me think of my own wedding and what a beautiful day it was. I don't know how else to describe it....just happy and lovely. A pretty good combination

So there you have it....real, honest answers. How are you today? What's been the best part so far? I would really like to know : )

.Ditch The List.

I'm a sucker for chick flicks. This weekend I have managed to watch Pretty Woman twice and Jerry Maguire....I love these movies. Love. I think it's because I love a good ending....and really, who wouldn't love either one of their endings? The knight in shining armor rescues them....and promises to take on the world together. Yep, I still believe in happy endings....the sappier the better. I don't know quite what it is but so much of it lies in the story and so much more in the love....we all know how they'll end. Rarely are there sappy movies without a sappy ending....but we wait, in great anticipation of what will come...and when it does, sometimes we cry....sometimes we find ourselves envious....and usually, I let out one of those happy, contented sighs, as if to say, "That's exactly how it should be."

Love can make people do crazy things.....and sometimes, it even makes you feel like you are going crazy....yet, we all long for it and dream of those same sappy-happy endings. My idea on love is a bit different now. Of course, I still love Chris from here to the moon...and I'm not sure that it ever stops....so, then what? I still believe that someone could come into my life and change it.....though, I'm also accepting that it may not happen...and well, that's becoming more and more okay. I'm learning love comes in many different forms and isn't always entirely what we envision it to be when we're younger. 

I have always carried a list in my head of things I want in someone....wants, needs, and deal breakers. One of my friends told me I need to let go of the list....to have no expectations....and well, I'm embracing it. Don't get me wrong, I sure don't want a douche bag in my life....but maybe it's not necessarily about a checklist and more about getting to know someone and appreciate them for who they are, even with some shortcomings. I wonder if we all ditched the lists what we would find....would we take a second glance at someone we normally would have turned our cheek at initially? Would we sit and have a conversation with someone instead of avoiding them because they just don't meet our height requirement? 

Sometimes I think love and life without expectations is really the way to go-it certainly would be easier-but achieving it is hard...and it requires effort each day to stop finding yourself disappointed in the little things and instead, appreciate the big every-things. 

So, are happy endings just in the movies? Does it really exist? I think so....I just think we often spend so much time wishing for the sappy-happy knight in shining armor that we miss what is right in front of us....love. Love is all there is when you think about. When you're sad-you want someone you love to just love you, when you're happy you want to share it with someone you love, when you're angry you want to vent to someone you love. Love is hard work and can be complicated and messy but anything worth having requires effort and patience.....if it were easy, people wouldn't fail at it so often. 

Here goes nothing.......no more list.....just more love....no expectations....just appreciation for who we all are. Now, isn't that a beautiful concept.

.Lemons.

Life is what you make it--that's what they tell you. Sometimes you get lemons so make lemonade. Sometimes nothing goes right, instead go left. Unfortunately, none of these give me much comfort as of late. I'm not good at making lemonade and I'm naturally right hand dominant so I don't really like to go left. In fact, if I'm lost, my first instinct is always to turn right....I'm not sure why, just is.

I wonder, often, how we get to where we are going....and when we are off track, how we get back on. Unfortunately, we never have a road map and we fight the whispers God tries giving us until he slams us with a brick wall...and then, of course, we begin to listen and then wonder why we ever even tried to fight.

I have a great friend who I have known longer than most of the people in my life. She has eased my bad days with strawberry pancakes and chocolate chip cookies. She is amazing. She has also been faced with hard decisions that will change the course of her life, undoubtedly. I am constantly amazed by the strength she has and, even more, her will and character. She makes me want to be better...and challenges me to be more loving, more caring, more selfless....all the things she embodies. I don't think she always sees this in herself, but I do. Every single day. I see this beautiful woman fight for herself and her beautiful child and her family. She has never been a quitter and doesn't give up easily. She makes me strive for more. She is one of the few people I would squeeze those lemons for....because sometimes we all need a friend....someone to help carry our load for a little while--just long enough to dust ourselves off and try again. That's just what friends do....they show you who you are through their eyes so that someday you might see those same things through your own and they stand by you until that day comes.

Life gets and, sometimes, stays messy. What they should tell you is not to wear white...and that sometimes even the lemonade tastes sour....and sometimes U-Turns are in order.....and that you should lean....lean on the people who love you.....let them love you.....and maybe that we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We live and we learn....and hopefully, we move on from it and we are better for it.....and maybe we should hug more. Hugs make me feel better....so maybe we should always have a hug before we start taking on those lemons.

.Man's Best Friend.

I have two dogs and recently have been battling some potential orthopaedic issues with my youngest, Finley. We went to the vet today where they poked, prodded, pulled, pushed, and ultimately spent 2 hours handling my dog...all for good reason...and he sat there, tail wagging, almost smiling, tolerating every moment of it. He'd lay down, they'd make him stand up, we walked the length of this hallway at least 25 times, he'd get tired but keep on going, he'd think the end was near and then they'd pull on his hind legs, push in his joints, and he stood there, tail wagging...licking them....loving them. The power of a dog never ceases to amaze me. You cannot deny that there is a bond between an owner and their dog. Finley would shoot me glances, I'd reassure him that this is all okay, that he's okay, and he trusts me enough to know I wouldn't bring him somewhere that wasn't necessary or put him through anything that I thought wasn't worth it. These dogs of mine have loved and trusted me with more conviction than anyone or anything else in my life.

Let me tell you something--Maya, my oldest pooch, got me through the rough days. I got out of bed in the morning because I knew she needed me....she needed to be let outside, walked, and fed. She got me out of bed in the morning and I held her tightly at night. I can't tell you how many times I've cried into that fur....sobbed...and she just laid there for the whole thing, never flinched, and remained my soft spot until I was through the worst of it. She greets me each time with an excited, yet calm, love....she knows me well enough to know when I'm feeling my best and when I'm just needing a soft place to land. Maya is my rock and constant and I can tell you that this last year would have been harder without her.

Then there's Finley....who came to me when I needed him the most--Christmas....6 days before. This bundle of love and excitement wrapped into one little 12 week old, 16 pound puppy. He distracted me enough to get me through the holidays and came to me with a lot of kisses, cute faces and, well, needing direction and guidance. :-) He makes me laugh and his goofy little self always makes me smile. He greets me with excitement and pouncing, not on me, but next to me, and you can see in his face how happy he is that he gets to live here, with me.

These dogs have never gotten in an argument with me. They have done some naughty things but when scolded, they don't fight back. They have loved me even when I'm exhausted and over-react or when I am drained at the end of the day and even though they want more of me, they deal with what I can give them. They never ask for anything and are content to be fed and provided a soft place to sleep. They never tell me I should look a certain way and they have never judged any decisions I have made. They have loved me when I roll out of bed in the morning, when I get dressed up for a night out, when I am lounging in sweats without makeup, and especially when I'm pulling my Puma's on for a walk. They will sniff their butt, your butt, and everyone else's butt and then lick your face...they will roll in mud and then put their dirty paws on your furniture....they will chew your favorite shoes and bring them to you as if they should be rewarded....they will run away, send you on a wild goose chase, then come home and wonder what took you so long to find them....they will bark and bark at the stupid squirrel climbing the tree and no matter how many times you explain that they are inside and the squirrell is outside, they will still act like they can get it....they will drive you crazy.....and they will comfort you on those awful days.....they will love you on your great days and love you more on your worst days.....they will give you their bone if it makes you feel better....they will make you laugh....they will come back to you each time, even after they have been hurt....they trust in you......and they believe in you.

They say there are two kinds of people--dog people and well, not dog people. I am a dog person, proudly. I love these guys....and I'm happy they are mine. They teach me every day to take it all in, sniff every smell, lick everyone, and play with their old toys as if they're brand new again. I would suggest to try to live more like them, however, I'm not sure everyone would appreciate you sniffing them or their butts and licking may not be the best greeting either....butt (no pun intended) perhaps we can smell more flowers and greet everyone with a hug....judging less and loving more....maybe, if we did more of that, then everyone could be Man's Best Friend.

.Open Door.

I wasn't going to post about this but it is heavy on my heart and so....I need to....for myself. I had some electrical work done last week and I wasn't home--I left the side door open, they took care of it and went on their merry little way. Well, today, I went in the basement to do laundry and they must have used the bathroom down there (where Chris died) and they left the door open....the door that I shut 14 months and 5 days ago.....and it knocked the wind out of me. I know they couldn't have known....but I wasn't expecting it and I wasn't prepared...it was just there, staring me in the face--the picture I can never erase from my mind.....the screaming, the fear, the loss, the man I so loved that I couldn't help...the asthma attack that rocked my world.....staring me right in the face as I tried to just keep walking toward my washing machine....but I stopped and I cried. A lot. 

I've spent a lot of today thinking about Chris....living in the moment....and considering the thousand what if's that surrounded that day. It doesn't happen often that I find myself back here....reliving those moments...but I guess sometimes it's necessary. I believe that it might have been time to open the door...but I wish I had some warning...ha, that's ironic. God hasn't warned me for much in this life...and I'm not sure why I think I'm above Him sometimes....like I deserve to know....how arrogant of me. I guess God has a good way of throwing in a reality check every now and again...and maybe it's what I needed but certainly not what I wanted. 

I know that I will never understand....and that when I get to Heaven it won't really matter....but what about the time between now and then? I'm not quite sure. I guess that's part of the process....the not knowing...and the learning to trust that this didn't happen to all of us without good reason.

Maybe Chris knew it was time to open the door....to let myself heal fully....and you can't do that without revisiting the past....and then maybe I can put it away....in the very special place in my heart where our love still lives on. I don't know why things happen the way they do....but I didn't shut the door....I left it...and I can't tell you why....I just did....and maybe that's enough on a day like today. A little hope that soon enough I will see it for what it is......an open door.

.Face Value.

I am working on myself. It's a process. I've committed to myself to be there for myself, love myself, and create a beautiful world for myself. It can be discouraging.....but I am committed...to me....to be ever changing, always growing, forever loving, and always thankful. It's hard....but anything worth doing is hard. Makes us appreciate the give and take of things....rain for the sunshine....darkness for the light....tears for the miles of laughter...the bad for the good.....pain for more love.

Sometimes we make things worse than they really are. We are people who rationalize to make the bad things better and the good things less than they are. I've been working on taking things and people for face value....it's a realistic approach, much different than the dreamer approach that I've done for so long. Everything has it's time and place but maybe it would be easier if we just accepted and love each other for who we are. Maybe we wouldn't be so hard on ourselves when something doesn't go right and maybe we'd be more appreciative when things fall into place in just the right way. I wonder what life would be like if we could do this, even for a day or an hour. Would our stresses be less....would we have more respect and love for ourselves...would life be easier because we are more accepting or because sometimes it really isn't all that bad.

Maybe sometimes we just need to "reset." To see life like we did when we were younger and things weren't so complicated.  I wonder, often, how we get so jaded....at what point does the shift occur....and when do we lose sight of the present moments. I'm trying to be better at appreciating more and not taking things and people for granted. I think sometimes, that's a good first step. Being more thankful instead of looking at all of our shortcomings....ahh, if only we could master that all of the time instead of just when things seem to be going our way.

I'm not so sure what the answers are....all I can tell you is that I keep searching and keep trying and I learn from everyone else too. Life is a whole lot of trial and error....and even more love and patience. Nothing is perfect, no one is perfect, and sometimes all we can do is keep the hope alive....because there certainly are a whole lot of bad things in the world but there are also a whole lot of good.