.Tick Tock.

The only permanence in life is it's impermanence. I've been thinking about that statement a lot lately. Time is what we all wish we had more of and yet we pack our days with everything and anything we can so that when we want and need time for ourselves, it can't exist--we haven't penciled ourselves in. I've made a huge effort at making myself a priority again...a real one--not just one that I tell others I've done--and taking time for me. This means I'm learning to say no....and as hard as it is, I'm trying to embrace it. 

I'm not very good at change....the only reason I've changed anything in the last 15 months is because I didn't have a choice. When you don't have a choice your options become quite clear cut....you have choices but the alternatives are less than desirable. Of course, I could have hosted my own pity party each day but that didn't go with my job or my faith or anything else for that matter. My choice was to keep moving, make the best of it, and start over. I wanted to fight it....but truth is, I didn't have much fight left in me when I committed to making the best of it....and, well, I committed.

I've had a rough couple of days. It comes and goes but this one makes me wonder what I'm doing with my precious time. What purpose is left for me....and where do I fit exactly? It's hard not to feel like I'm nowhere on a map....but I am. I'm still figuring it out. I'm not quite sure where I'm going but I realize that my time here is short and that adds a bit of impatience to it all. I don't want to wait. I want to know now where I'm headed and if I should keep going that way. Believe me, my head knows this is all part of the process but I just get discouraged and need reassurance that I'm going to make it.

So much of life is a shot in the dark. Nothing always makes sense and we make decisions by following our heart....even when it's broken...and we hope for the best or we hope that it can't be that bad and that if it is, we comfort ourselves by saying it could always be worse. Somehow we rationalize that life experience will count for something someday....but maybe it's not about the things that happened to us as it is how we reacted. Were we honest with ourselves and others....did we do the best we could....did we let it change us for the better? Did we adapt? 

So, it is true, I don't know where I'm going....but I'm on my way...