.The Sounds Of Silence.

Silence speaks volumes....so does avoidance. Both of which I have experienced a lot of in the last few weeks. It's funny. You ask and they tell you that nothing's wrong but really....I'm not stupid. I'm fully aware and smart enough to know that you are a.) avoiding me and b.) ignoring me. Busy is quite an excuse when I see that you still spend time with other people and find 5 or 15 minutes to check in with everyone else. Nothing irritates me more than when people think I won't figure it out. Believe me, I've got it....loud and clear.

So, why can't we just be honest? Why can't we all just have five minutes of honesty and part ways or come back together? Why do the "golden rules" that we're taught as children not apply when we grow up....I know why. Fear. Intimidation. All the things we hate about life. I guess it could be worse...I could get a random text message about it without even a phone conversation to discuss it....then again, I don't even know what "it" is and my phone number could already be deleted out of the phone. Either way, it doesn't appear I'll be getting any answers any time soon....so this is me, accepting just that. I guess these are just the low points in life. The ones where we shake our heads in wonder trying to figure it out, knowing we just can't and somehow that's got to be enough.

I know all about not getting answers....but I don't know about walking away without looking back. I'm not good at that part....it's the very same reason I still hold on tightly to the small things I have left of Chris and take so seriously the way he is talked about or remembered. I have a hard time walking away...or maybe that it's hard for me to go far enough away where I can't see it in the distance if I'm looking back. Maybe it's all relative and maybe it's not. Maybe the inches and feet do count. Maybe the kind of shoes make a difference. Maybe who I am is someone who loves and cares too much. Maybe I am naive to believe that not everyone will hurt you.

There's nothing special about today. Nothing that happened or didn't happen. Just another normal day where I still search for answers I'll never have and where I hope for comfort in some form that would even come close to the comfort I had knowing there was someone who held my heart tightly and would have given anything to save it from breaking.