another trip around the sun.

I had a beautiful conversation with one of my best friends the other night. She was discussing how one of our mutual friends gave an assignment in their poetry circle where you had to write something as if you were 75 years old and then as if you were 15ish, and now. She found that her 75 year old self was so content and happy but her 15ish year old self was angsty and dissatisfied. her present self also resembled more of her 15 year old self than that of her 75 year old self. So we came to this question.....

When does the shift occur, if ever?

When do all of our "have to's" and "I haves" become enough?

When we dissected it and counted our blessings, we certainly found more than a lot of other people have....yet we still desire more or we hang our validation and happiness on things that shouldn't be the source of it. When I stop and think about it that way, it's true. I measure my worth, often, on other people's opinions, where my time is spent, how successful I am in my career and my business and none of those things are what keeps me company at the end of the day or comforts me when I'm sad. Don't get me wrong....I love all of those things but let's be real, my stapler and my computer don't bring me soup when I'm sick and the opinions I so often worry about really don't matter. The ones that matter are those of the people surrounding me in my life....the ones who love me unconditionally.
I want to be the 75 year old woman who notices the first beautiful fall day and, instead of complaining about it, chooses to relish in another trip around the sun and cozy sweaters. Yesterday was that fall day here...and first, I was cold and chilled....but I did actually think about the last year on my drive home last night. I thought about all that I've done instead of all I didn't get to doing.

I photographed an Aspen wedding...two Georgia weddings....countless families, couples, children and seniors have crossed my path....my WI brides have been solidified into my heart....I've changed jobs and found myself challenged and outside of my comfort zone. At times, it's been terrifying and exhausting but most days it's pretty awesome to see the changes that have happened for the better. I've been an active long distance participant in my Godsons lives. They keep growing....time keeps moving....and I live for facetime bedtime stories and the many ways i get to be a part of their little lives even being 1000+ miles away. Alaina and I have had some amazing adventures and little Logan has gone from an itty bitty to this little person with the sweetest personality. I, too, have had some pretty fantastic adventures with some of  my most favorite people. I've also learned a lot about who I am and what I want in this life. I've learned that my deal breakers have changed a bit recently and the things that are priorities are different than they were last year because I'm a bit different than last year.

When I shift my focus and look at the many things I have done instead of all of the things waiting for me on my desk, I believe I am strong and fantastic and brilliant and capable of doing anything I want. 

The trick is shifting that focus more often so the fulfilling parts of my life are less about the amount of work I have to do and more about the many beautiful victories and miracles that happen around me every day....because they do happen. All of the time. And, I can be content with my life if I allow it more often. I have been such a perpetual climber that sometimes I forget to stop where I am and soak in the world around me.....the many accomplishments I've had recently and since I stepped foot into this great big world.

Last night's drive home was good for my heart. It reminded me that I'm not as far off as I think I am sometimes and just because I CAN do everything doesn't mean I HAVE to do everything. I didn't think about the things on my to do list or 5 year plan. I just thought about how beautiful it is to be me and how blessed I am to truly live every day of my life. It's more than I ever dreamed possible most days.

I am here. I am doing. And that, friends, is enough.

time.

my touch lamp has been turning off pretty frequently since i turned it on this morning. no one is near it...not the dogs...not me...and the plug is fine....

i believe in signs. i believe, firmly, that i have a visitor this morning while i edit.
it's given me a beautiful opportunity to think about how far i've come. five years ago, i didn't think i'd ever be okay again. i didn't believe anyone when they told me that time would help. i don't know that it's easier. but i do know that it hurts less some days and other days it still hurts more. i also know that time has been one of my most faithful and loyal teachers. it has given me some of the best memories and moments of my life. it has also served as an awful reminder of dates and hard things that i've lost. if there is anything it's done, though, it has certainly allowed me the space to recreate myself and that may be the best gift i've received. i would not be who i am if i had not gone through every single part of my life. there are days i would love to give it back and start over....but most days, i'm really thankful that i've had the ability to learn about life by living it and not just by standing by.

earlier this summer, i ended up at miller park and it has been with me ever since....on our way to summerfest, we had to stop to pick up a race packet. i remember feeling my heart constrict and i knew, then, that it would be a defining moment in this journey....so far, i have continued to process the many ways in which i thought i'd be okay with it and wasn't. i have avoided that place like the plague. it was the very last thing i did with chris. he was such a brewer fan--more than most and as we pulled into the stadium and made the same loop i had made with him a dozen or more times, i felt my heart clench and come so close to breaking. it was surreal. i remembered him so hard....it smelled like him...i could see him more vividly....i heard him laughing in my head....i heard him asking me where to park and outlining just how much time we'd have before we had to get inside. there was no way out and it felt like a brick house was just laying there on my chest.....and then, before i knew it, we were gone and i was prepared to cry and feel something awful but instead i just decided to breathe and hold on until i got to one of my best friends and she reminded me it was okay and squeezed me so tight...

you see, i'm not sure that i could have bravely moved even an inch inside of that place 3 or even 2 years ago. it was the one place in the world that i didn't think i'd ever be able to go again. but i did....and if you had asked me to choose to go, i wouldn't have. in fact, i'm pretty certain i still wouldn't go if you asked me even now.....but i know that i can....and that's more than i had just a few short months ago. i am always learning and growing...it's one of the few things i am proudest of....i know just how far i've come. 

time has taught me so much, especially in the last 10 months.....i've learned that big changes are scary but they aren't impossible. i've learned people love people differently and that's okay. i've learned, for myself, that small steps are still steps and i'm braver and stronger than i ever considered. i've learned that taking time to enjoy the small things and making room for the people who love you most is necessary so it means i've been behind on many parts of my life but it's because i've been spending my time making my own memories and that is okay. 

so, today, i soak up the last day of summer with a flickering touch lamp and a thankful heart. this summer gave me a beautiful birthday, the ability to chase the daylight, live music, a festival, a trip to a cottage with no cell service, memories, visits with friends, adventures, celebrations and a lot of unexpected lessons. how short it was....but, i suppose, it was the perfect amount of time to live through it....and not just get through it. 

happy labor day, friends. 

unplugged.

300+ miles. 6 photo shoots. 1 pontoon ride. 2 speed boat rides. 2 sleeps in a cottage. 1 game of cards against humanity. 1 game of catchguesstures. 2 nights of acoustic guitar. hours of laughter. zero sunshine. little rain. and my best friends all under one roof.

this is the first weekend in too long where i turned off my phone and truly disconnected myself from anything outside my three foot bubble. i didn't miss it. at all. it would go off and i'd ignore it. or i'd leave it by my bed and not even think about it. the only thing i used it for was to take pictures....and it got me thinking. how much time have i spent being connected to a 4 inch rectangle. when i was up north i wasn't thinking about facebook or my email or the dozens of different sounds it's been programmed to make so i knew which was of importance every time i hear something go off. i love the connection that it brings me to others but i also love how nice it was to not have any service and not have to be in control of every single part of my life.

it forced me to disconnect from my email and messages for my business along with checking over resume attachments for the clinic. i didn't touch my computer once. i have a giant pile of work but i allowed myself to breathe....i lived a little. and i was present. granted, it's much easier to do this when most of your favorite people are just a few rooms from you but it was so fantastic to slow down. i never allow myself the ability to do that. it's either guilt about all of the work on my desk, feeling like i need to do more and this unrealistic desire to DO EVERYTHING. ridiculous. i need to find a way to do it more and feel okay about doing it....because it's good for me.

i also had the opportunity to have one amazing conversation. one of my friends is like my brother. he and i have been through so much together....and last night we snuggled up and talked about so many things that are so very close to my heart. i haven't had one of those in too long. he reminded me of all of the things i know so well...but he does it in this genuine and loving way that only few people really know how to do....especially to get straight to this heart. he remembered with me...cried with me...and made me feel like everything i'm feeling is absolutely okay. he held me and i felt like my entire world was okay. everyone needs a friend like that. someone to help your world stop and allow you a soft space to land. the timing was perfect. as was his phone call tonight just to tell me he loves me.

it's truly amazing what roles people have in your life. i have different friends for so many different reasons. some make me laugh. some bring me comfort. every one of them brings me joy. it is rare to have so many beautiful people in my life. i know this. i see others who have nothing close...in fact, i know that each of my closest friends would be here in a heartbeat. right here. they'd rally around me and they'd hold me up until i could do it on my own. you know how i know this? because they've done it for me countless times. sometimes minor, sometimes tragic and sometimes over the most ridiculous things.

and now, i am soaking in the quiet that is my house. it feels a bit empty when i'm not surrounded by 6-14 others who fill my heart in so many different ways....but i am reminded that these weekends don't happen very often. people don't love like we do and i am beyond grateful to be loved by all of them. i am so sad it's over....yet so thankful for a weekend on a lake where we celebrated each other and our beautiful lives.

digging.

i have been doing a lot of soul searching lately....professionally and personally i have struggled in many places....and i always find that the moments when you are at a crossroads usually cause 2 responses for me....get in there and dig or run.

so, in an attempt for more....i've been digging.

it hasn't always been easy...and it has been hard. my heart physically hurts some days. those are the days when i get home and feel a bit lost and exhausted.....i also feel like there have been days, especially lately, where i have begun to think about big steps and decisions...like putting this house up for sale and donating the rest of chris' things instead of hanging on to them like a hoarder. they're just things...but they're his things...and while i don't look at them often, if at all, it is a little comforting knowing that they're just upstairs if i should need them. the beautiful part about this digging is it's made me realize i don't need them. i have him with me everywhere. it's like ee cummings said...."i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" and i believe that.

speaking of hearts, the most difficult lesson i've learned as of late is to accept and be okay with the fact that people love differently. a blog (or three) ago i let it all out about how hard it is....and you know what, it's still hard for someone like me. really hard some days. because i don't. get. it. but it's not impossible. it's perspective. i wear my heart on the outside and it's the best part of me. it doesn't mean i need to wear it less. it just means i have to be aware that other people's hearts are on the inside (technically mine is too, i am aware). i believe that understanding who people are is important....it takes a lot of compromise and care. i also believe that watching my dogs tug an old toy not made for tugging makes me laugh because any minute it will break and one of them is going to go flying. which leads to my next point.

living presently. i've made it my goal this birthday to be more present in my 29th year. i don't know if it's because 30 seems SO scary and big that it's allowed me the space to truly enjoy the minutes. my friend mike casey says, "if you focus on right now, i bet there's nowhere else you'd rather be" and he's right. i feel like i've learned that so much lately. it's why i've been working my heart out at making time for myself. every single day. carving time and minutes that will make life slow down just a little. but, in all of my digging, i have found that i am better and happier when i'm surrounded by my friends, family and the kids in my life.

and you know what?

it feels good.

i'm a better person to myself which makes me better for everyone else...and that's really an amazing feeling for me because it's validation that i'm doing everything i'm supposed to.

it also means i need to do more of it....that's the real challenge i think.

although, it becomes inherently easier to do when you feel like you're at the crossroads....because, if i'm being honest, i hate forks. they could be used as a weapon if necessary and, aside from eating, have no other use....which is why i am not a fan of forks in the road.

i am thankful for the space to learn and the ability to find what truly makes me happiest and do it. i feel like it would have been much easier to run. in fact, i know it would have, but it wouldn't have taught me a single thing. if there's anything i know, it's that there is always a lesson...but if you leave before you learn it, it's just a crappy situation.

so, if you find yourself in a position where you aren't sure if you should run or dig, i suggest digging....not because it's easy but because it makes you grow. it's dirty and there are rocks and sometimes even glass....but when you plow through all your stuff, you'll find a great big hole ready to be filled with the things YOU want and love. that may be my favorite part so far....filling it back up....with the things that make me happiest.

so, if you should find yourself needing a shovel anytime soon, i'd be happy to lend you mine.

happy friday, friends!

the wedding circuit.

i have always wanted to write a book. when i was in middle and high school, i had high hopes of being a writer, having my own column and letting my love affair with words be my sole (and soul) purpose. as i grew up, i realized that getting your own column is hard. so is having a lot of different material to work on. but i have not let go of the fact that i've wanted to write. i've used this blog to get out thoughts, feelings, etc and have, recently, thought hard about finding time to make/write a book.

you see, i'm in the wedding business. a photographer to be exact. let me set the stage. i was 24, newly married and also newly widowed, when i decided that i needed a giant distraction from the widowed part. what better way to honor my loss than to freeze time for others...something i didn't do nearly enough of in the short time i had with my husband. it made sense. so. january 4th, 2010 i applied for my business license and the rest is kind of history. i spent the better part of 2 years being a photographer who had an eye but sucked at editing unless it was black and white. anyone can pull off a black and white. yep. that was me. in those two years, people didn't think i was that bad and somehow i built a beautiful client base. many of them are still clients and i've had the beautiful opportunity to show them i now know how to edit and see their babies grow.

i was approached to do my first wedding and had absolutely no idea what to charge, how much time i was investing and, even more, just what a crazy ride i was in for. one wedding lead to two and now i have successfully shot 52 weddings. some destination, some more local and some complete chaotic messes. in those 52 saturdays (and sometimes fridays) i've come to know dj's, cake makers, photo booth experts, banquet managers, florists, designers and pinterest gurus as if we were good and close friends. recently, i photographed a wedding and said hey to the dj, chit chatted and caught up, and went to find my seat. while on my way there, my friend asked me how long i've known him. i told her not long, we just know each other through the wedding circuit. after saying it, she gave me a funny look and i explained that we are all a very different kind of people. we're magic makers. we get paid to bring out the best in these people and their guests. we are not just photographers or dj's or banquet hall managers. we are therapists, comforters, boutonniere pinners, kleenex fetchers, family-that-you-really-don't-love-distractors, comedians, veil straighteners, bobby pin experts and your everything person.

i can tell you that i've taken amazing photos. i can also tell you that i've talked brides off a ledge, sat with them, cried with them, and loved them as if they were my own sister. i've watched them cry over forgotten flowers, dresses gone bad, spilled drinks on their dress and a slew of other trivial things. i've held them, helped them to see the bigger picture and created moments for them that, after all of the dancing is over and the food is gone, will last a life time. it's truly the most challenging and rewarding position to be in.

any photographer will tell you there is so much pressure behind a wedding. these people trust you more than most of the people they've hired. bad food? most people won't notice too much. lame dj? if you've had enough to drink, anything is fun. bad photos? you can't fix that....at all. it's why i take so much care in each photo....why my lenses and gear has been chosen specifically...why every photographer is different...and why some people have magnificent photos and some do not. you have to hire someone who can be your everything person and still give you the experience and quality that you expect and need. for me, i am always saying that i need today to be my best wedding. for them. i wake up and turn on my wedding play list...get my heart in the right zone and hope for the best.

along the way, though, there have been so many stories and moments that have pushed me to really start putting my love affair with words into a concrete form. so, here it is, my declaration that i'm working on it. i'm about 20 pages in. and it's rough. but it's a start....and really, that's what most dreams are. a start.

as for now, i've got to get ready for another wedding....because today is going to be my best one.

life through statuses.

i haven't forgotten it.
the moment when someone i love so fiercely told me she couldn't get past her own stuff to celebrate or get me through mine.
i remember feeling hurt.
defeated.
and like i had no idea where the person who used to be my mirror was.

people change.

and they grow apart.

when you're not careful and you're not cultivating relationships, your birthday, your anniversary, your hardest moments, your hard anniversaries, your stress, your business, your life (and theirs), gets pushed lower and lower on the priority list and before you know it, they're missing all of the above.

so here i am, soaking in facebook statuses of a woman i once called my best friend.

and wondering where the shift happened but knowing there is no way to turn back.

so i have to go forward....find strength in the people who make an effort to be here and genuinely want to take part in this ride with me....

i am certain that it's hard. and some days, i am not easy to love.

but i am fiercely loyal. and i love deeply. harder than most. wider than a select few. and i promise that my heart is the best part about me.

i'm clinging to that tonight. and choosing to let go. friendship shouldn't be hard. in fact, it should be the best and easiest thing in the world.....and, if it isn't, then surely it's time to move on....at least, for this heart.

a lesson in loving people.

there is a lot on this heart of mine tonight. so much that I just don't know where to begin.

i have had a lot of hard lessons lately in how people love. i've always believed firmly that love is a verb....and that you should never let anyone doubt how you feel about them because you never know if you'll get a chance tomorrow or the next day. we know not the time or the hour, right? because i believe this and know it from experience, i go out of my way to do grand gestures, say the most meaningful things and genuinely build people up. i tend to surround myself with similar people who love hard like i do...they are loyal and generous with their words and time and they love hard-like it's a super power.

i have recently been challenged in one of my closest relationships...at least, proximity wise....and it's made me consider a lot of things i hadn't before. it's currently challenging me to accept and be okay with a love i do not understand. i don't know what it's like to have feelings you cannot give a voice to or what it's like to not lean on people. i have believed and told myself that a lot of my experiences have forced me to learn to rely and lean on people but i don't know if that's necessarily true. while i am very self sufficient, i have always cultivated deep relationships based on my ability to lean or hold another up. an orchestrated series of give-and-take events or so it would seem. it's part of how deeply i love people.

so the hard part comes in when you learn that not everyone loves like you do.

let me say it again. not. everyone. loves. like. you. do.

which means sometimes those people who give a love that you don't understand also don't understand the outpour and overflow of love that you stuff in their face. it means that even your best intentions, grand gestures and biggest love are sometimes smothering and not at all what another needs. it means that there are people who do not need to talk about their feelings and that's completely okay. it also means that you can still have alllll of your feelings but you need to know when it's appropriate to smother and when you need to reel it in. i think i'm trying to learn the art of that....because it's a dance....sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow.

i'm also learning that just because the reaction isn't what you wanted or hoped for doesn't mean it wasn't genuine. because they didn't use words you would have or given a response you wanted doesn't take away from what they did give....and sometimes all someone has to give are the small pieces and glimpses into their hearts.

i'm not sure, at this very moment, what i want out of this relationship going forward. i know that my heart has some mending and forgiving to do. things that i do feel justified in even though i have a better understanding of how another loves. i also know that you can't change someone and you can only hope that all of the things you are have made an impact.

so here i am, hoping that i'm not the only one who has a lot to learn about loving and accepting people....and that i can find a way to accept a love that is very different than mine. it's harder than it seems....because it requires a lot of faith and trust.....that even when you're unsure, you are loved deeply and hard even if that love is quieter and does not come with a bang....maybe it comes quietly and maybe you have to pay attention a little harder because if you aren't watching you just might miss it.