time.

my touch lamp has been turning off pretty frequently since i turned it on this morning. no one is near it...not the dogs...not me...and the plug is fine....

i believe in signs. i believe, firmly, that i have a visitor this morning while i edit.
it's given me a beautiful opportunity to think about how far i've come. five years ago, i didn't think i'd ever be okay again. i didn't believe anyone when they told me that time would help. i don't know that it's easier. but i do know that it hurts less some days and other days it still hurts more. i also know that time has been one of my most faithful and loyal teachers. it has given me some of the best memories and moments of my life. it has also served as an awful reminder of dates and hard things that i've lost. if there is anything it's done, though, it has certainly allowed me the space to recreate myself and that may be the best gift i've received. i would not be who i am if i had not gone through every single part of my life. there are days i would love to give it back and start over....but most days, i'm really thankful that i've had the ability to learn about life by living it and not just by standing by.

earlier this summer, i ended up at miller park and it has been with me ever since....on our way to summerfest, we had to stop to pick up a race packet. i remember feeling my heart constrict and i knew, then, that it would be a defining moment in this journey....so far, i have continued to process the many ways in which i thought i'd be okay with it and wasn't. i have avoided that place like the plague. it was the very last thing i did with chris. he was such a brewer fan--more than most and as we pulled into the stadium and made the same loop i had made with him a dozen or more times, i felt my heart clench and come so close to breaking. it was surreal. i remembered him so hard....it smelled like him...i could see him more vividly....i heard him laughing in my head....i heard him asking me where to park and outlining just how much time we'd have before we had to get inside. there was no way out and it felt like a brick house was just laying there on my chest.....and then, before i knew it, we were gone and i was prepared to cry and feel something awful but instead i just decided to breathe and hold on until i got to one of my best friends and she reminded me it was okay and squeezed me so tight...

you see, i'm not sure that i could have bravely moved even an inch inside of that place 3 or even 2 years ago. it was the one place in the world that i didn't think i'd ever be able to go again. but i did....and if you had asked me to choose to go, i wouldn't have. in fact, i'm pretty certain i still wouldn't go if you asked me even now.....but i know that i can....and that's more than i had just a few short months ago. i am always learning and growing...it's one of the few things i am proudest of....i know just how far i've come. 

time has taught me so much, especially in the last 10 months.....i've learned that big changes are scary but they aren't impossible. i've learned people love people differently and that's okay. i've learned, for myself, that small steps are still steps and i'm braver and stronger than i ever considered. i've learned that taking time to enjoy the small things and making room for the people who love you most is necessary so it means i've been behind on many parts of my life but it's because i've been spending my time making my own memories and that is okay. 

so, today, i soak up the last day of summer with a flickering touch lamp and a thankful heart. this summer gave me a beautiful birthday, the ability to chase the daylight, live music, a festival, a trip to a cottage with no cell service, memories, visits with friends, adventures, celebrations and a lot of unexpected lessons. how short it was....but, i suppose, it was the perfect amount of time to live through it....and not just get through it. 

happy labor day, friends.