.Can Lightning Strike Twice?.

I still believe in happy endings. I believe love can happen more than once and that you can live happily ever after again. I didn't always believe this was possible....in fact, I thought it was like lightning--it will only strike the same place once and you could only find that kind of love once in a lifetime and then it was stripped away from me....and now, here I am, hopeful that it could again occur for me....hopeful that lightning could strike twice. 

It's a pretty amazing transformation from where I was once....and there's nothing like the renewing hope that fills my heart when I think about it. It's scary too.....really scary....but what isn't scary in life? Taking that new job is pretty scary and sometimes, staying where you are at is pretty scary too....anything can happen at any time so I think fear is built in to life....but I'd hate to look back on life and think what if? What if I had done that sooner or what if I had taken a chance or what if I just stopped thinking so much and let lightning strike without dodging it....a million what ifs and no answers make for a lot of hypotheticals. 

I wonder, often, about when the right time is to put myself out there again....people tell me I'll just "know" and I'll just have the right feeling about it. Sometimes I over think it....wonder about it...and then, well, I usually don't get very far. I think that's just human nature....to get caught up in the analyzing of it all....so I'm going to try to be simpler...if it's even possible.

If I've learned anything it's that there will never be an exactly perfect situation with two perfect people at exactly the perfect time. Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and find perfection in all of the crazy ways that life occurs....sometimes you even have to make it for yourself, because when lightning strikes it sure can stir things up....or it can be the most beautiful sight you've ever seen.

.The Sounds Of Silence.

Silence speaks volumes....so does avoidance. Both of which I have experienced a lot of in the last few weeks. It's funny. You ask and they tell you that nothing's wrong but really....I'm not stupid. I'm fully aware and smart enough to know that you are a.) avoiding me and b.) ignoring me. Busy is quite an excuse when I see that you still spend time with other people and find 5 or 15 minutes to check in with everyone else. Nothing irritates me more than when people think I won't figure it out. Believe me, I've got it....loud and clear.

So, why can't we just be honest? Why can't we all just have five minutes of honesty and part ways or come back together? Why do the "golden rules" that we're taught as children not apply when we grow up....I know why. Fear. Intimidation. All the things we hate about life. I guess it could be worse...I could get a random text message about it without even a phone conversation to discuss it....then again, I don't even know what "it" is and my phone number could already be deleted out of the phone. Either way, it doesn't appear I'll be getting any answers any time soon....so this is me, accepting just that. I guess these are just the low points in life. The ones where we shake our heads in wonder trying to figure it out, knowing we just can't and somehow that's got to be enough.

I know all about not getting answers....but I don't know about walking away without looking back. I'm not good at that part....it's the very same reason I still hold on tightly to the small things I have left of Chris and take so seriously the way he is talked about or remembered. I have a hard time walking away...or maybe that it's hard for me to go far enough away where I can't see it in the distance if I'm looking back. Maybe it's all relative and maybe it's not. Maybe the inches and feet do count. Maybe the kind of shoes make a difference. Maybe who I am is someone who loves and cares too much. Maybe I am naive to believe that not everyone will hurt you.

There's nothing special about today. Nothing that happened or didn't happen. Just another normal day where I still search for answers I'll never have and where I hope for comfort in some form that would even come close to the comfort I had knowing there was someone who held my heart tightly and would have given anything to save it from breaking.

.Soft Spot.

We all have them. That weak spot that you don't tell anyone about because it makes you vulnerable and well, it hurts. Then someone, not knowing, brings it up or attacks you about it and your weak spot is exposed and you are left to try to explain just why it hurts so much.

Most people assume that mine is Chris....but it's not. Chris and his amazing life speak volumes for itself and there is no one who would dare attack a dead man's character....at least, not in the company of his wife. But then....there's me and a million and one judgments on how I've "moved on" or how I've spent the last 16 months putting myself back together and I can take most of them until someone would even dare to question who I am now...because I've worked really hard to get here....to this point...where my whole life isn't consumed by what I've lost and still registers joy and happiness. The point where I laugh more than I cry and where my days are spent filled with hope and love.

So here I am....weak spot exposed....knowing I had the wind knocked out of me....and what's funny is I never expect it. I always find myself caught off guard. Well maybe not funny, but ironic. You'd think by now I'd be half expecting it with nearly every person I meet....maybe it's me being naive....maybe it's me trying to find the rainbow in every storm. Maybe people are just unhappy in their own lives. Either way, it still stings and seems to grab on to me without letting go....probably because I have to see this person nearly every day and mostly because I just don't want to. 

We all have that soft spot...the spot that we only reveal when we aren't sure what else to do. The spot that will make us laugh and cry at the very same time. the spot that gives us hope and despair....it's the spot where both good and bad collide and somehow there seems to be a big mess of things in between. For tonight, it's my hope that I can make my way out of the mess and try again tomorrow. Every day is different. Maybe tomorrow could be the best yet. Maybe.

.Taking Chances.

Sometimes I lose sight of the big picture....what is most important...and then, out of the blue, something comes along and slaps me across the face as if to tell me I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Tonight, it was a group of seven eighth grade girls who really didn't know each other but made every effort to be loving and welcoming....to be living examples for all of us to see.

It doesn't take much for me to understand it....I suppose a slap in the face works just fine to get the message across and believe me, I get it. Life isn't as complicated as people say. Sure....it's not easy, but we all want the same things. We all want to be happy, to find that we've spent our days in such a way that we will be welcomed into Heaven by the angels....and yet we count our hard times far more than our many blessings. It makes me wonder, when will anything ever be enough? What or how much do you need to have before you start saying "thank you" more than "I need....." ? How much does one need to be happy? The ideal answer is just love....but so many people aren't satisfied with that gift. It really is. Love hurts sometimes. Love is hard work. Love is a verb. We say it quickly and often forget that those three words mean something....and sometimes we forget the meaning and we say it too soon or even to those who hurt us.....but love anyway. Love the finest way you know. No one will ever scold you for loving too much....but you will quickly find that if you don't love enough you will scold yourself. 

I think it's easy to worry about what loving can do....what if my heart gets broken....what if my pieces never fit back together....what if I'm not good at it......but what if you are.....what if you took the love you had to give and just gave it....sure you might get hurt, but chances are you might also find your soul satisfied and fed. 

So, I think I'll take my chances and hope for the best....for it is true, broken hearts do heal....but the heart that remains intact has never known the depth of true joy.

.The Art Of Running Down Hill.

For better or worse I will love you....from here to the moon. It is true....and it never ever goes away. I've done a lot of praying and reflecting about acceptance as of late....and, well, the best way for me to get it out is just to talk to Chris....because, as always, he's been the best sounding board I've ever had.

Hi Monkey,
It's been a while since I've resorted to a real letter...a while since I've really thought about you and me and well, where I'm at. I'm not sure why but I think it's time to cross over the top of this hill....you know, the one where I accept what's happened fully and the one where I think about you with more laughter than tears. That big one that I've been climbing but stopped part way up. A lot of it is fear that I will forget....your voice, your hug, your everything....and that you might not come around as much anymore. Believe me, I know it's ridiculous. I know that you're here. I know that I could never forget the arms that wrapped around me nearly every day for 2194 days....but it was always my job to be the worrier and I did it well and so, here I am...telling you I'm ready to start the downhill run to joy and happiness....but it would be easier if I knew you were ready too. You know I've always needed reassurance.

Anyway, I want you to know that I love you....more than I've ever loved anyone....that I'm going to be okay....and that I will always need you. You told me I have to communicate my needs effectively, so this is me, telling you I'm going to continue to talk to you every day and that you could send me a sign once in a while....this is me letting you know that I will need you to just listen and not say anything sometimes....this is me, needing you for better or for worse until death do us part.....because no matter what I will always be your wife....I will always love you from here to the moon....but I need to start the descent....I'm getting tired of climbing and we all know what a whiner I can be. I need to do this for us....and for me. I know you get it, I know you understand, but it's so hard to say these words out loud because, while I carry you with me every day, I need to carry less of the burden and more of the love.

There's one more thing before I go.....I met someone....and I'm sure you have had your hand in this....I'm not sure where it will go or what will happen but I appreciate him. He wants to know about you and he laughs when I tell him about our funniest moments....I just want you to know I still love you and if there is any comfort, know that I loved you first and last.....because this love never ends....this love won't ever go away and well, we were the greatest team....and that can't get erased or put away in a box.

I'm going to start going over the hill now....and if I seem to run down the hill instead of walk, don't be discouraged....I'll always find myself running to you and us and our beautiful love. always.

Love,
Your Livvy.

.Tick Tock.

The only permanence in life is it's impermanence. I've been thinking about that statement a lot lately. Time is what we all wish we had more of and yet we pack our days with everything and anything we can so that when we want and need time for ourselves, it can't exist--we haven't penciled ourselves in. I've made a huge effort at making myself a priority again...a real one--not just one that I tell others I've done--and taking time for me. This means I'm learning to say no....and as hard as it is, I'm trying to embrace it. 

I'm not very good at change....the only reason I've changed anything in the last 15 months is because I didn't have a choice. When you don't have a choice your options become quite clear cut....you have choices but the alternatives are less than desirable. Of course, I could have hosted my own pity party each day but that didn't go with my job or my faith or anything else for that matter. My choice was to keep moving, make the best of it, and start over. I wanted to fight it....but truth is, I didn't have much fight left in me when I committed to making the best of it....and, well, I committed.

I've had a rough couple of days. It comes and goes but this one makes me wonder what I'm doing with my precious time. What purpose is left for me....and where do I fit exactly? It's hard not to feel like I'm nowhere on a map....but I am. I'm still figuring it out. I'm not quite sure where I'm going but I realize that my time here is short and that adds a bit of impatience to it all. I don't want to wait. I want to know now where I'm headed and if I should keep going that way. Believe me, my head knows this is all part of the process but I just get discouraged and need reassurance that I'm going to make it.

So much of life is a shot in the dark. Nothing always makes sense and we make decisions by following our heart....even when it's broken...and we hope for the best or we hope that it can't be that bad and that if it is, we comfort ourselves by saying it could always be worse. Somehow we rationalize that life experience will count for something someday....but maybe it's not about the things that happened to us as it is how we reacted. Were we honest with ourselves and others....did we do the best we could....did we let it change us for the better? Did we adapt? 

So, it is true, I don't know where I'm going....but I'm on my way...

.The Push and Pull Effect.

I reached. I tried. You didn't reach back. I can't make you....I don't want to force you. Either you want to or you don't. It's pretty simple, really. I'm not going to make it bigger than it is...you were there and you're not now...and somehow, I'm okay with it. I'm okay because I tried. I gave it all I could. I sent out a handful of flares hoping you would see one in the air, but you didn't....and I knew you wouldn't....and here we are. 

It's funny, I thought it would hurt more....I thought your silence was better than walking away...turns out, walking away is better. I don't know why I thought your avoidance was easier--maybe that we'd run into people we both know and still talk about each other using the word "friend" but the hard truth is, we haven't been for a while. You kept me around because you needed me and now you don't and here I am...shutting the door and doing so without any regrets. 

The other part that gets me is that I thought we wouldn't get to this point....I thought we were adult enough to deal with it....talk about it...and be better for it.....but the worst part is that I don't even know what "it" is. You pulled away, I watched it happen, blamed it on a thousand excuses like you're busy, you've got a lot of irons in the fire, you just don't have the time but the hardest truth of all is knowing that if I mattered enough you would make the time. It would be hard but you'd prioritize. You'd walk out of the little bubble you live in and you'd want to know what goes on in mine....even for five minutes....but you haven't and I truly hope you are happy. I hope your bubble can sustain you for the rest of your life. I hope you don't need me. I hope you won't miss me. I hope I'll just be a part of your past.....because you pushed away and I didn't pull back. 

It's simple really. All comes down to science. You pushed, I stopped pulling. I'll miss you....but reprioritizing is necessary. Always.