words.

sigh. i have a lot to say today.

mostly, that words are important. 

i have never been one to recover from a low blow or dig very well and the last week has been no exception. i realize that most people don't even know that what they're saying is hurtful and rude.....but perception is everything unfortunately. even if we, as humans, mean one thing but don't effectively communicate that one thing, there is a chance it can be hurtful and sometimes even mean. and sometimes, it stays with you...right down to your core.

as i get older, i find that words have more weight than they ever have before. that they come with a price and sometimes that price is trust and respect and a lot of things you don't necessarily get back easily. 

that's hard to swallow.

even for the person on the receiving end....which, in this case, is me.....because i teeter on the edge of wondering what to say and how to say it because i don't want my words affecting others the way they so easily affect me.

and here's the thing, i know i'm sensitive and take things to heart....but it's because my heart is so big. i'm thick skinned to a point, but when you make me feel like i'm not good enough, that's where i draw a line.

on top of it, i've done a lot of work to eliminate people from my life who are no longer serving a positive purpose for me....and here i am, staring my decisions in the face as i contemplate the words that have been on repeat since they were said. 

you can't take them back--that's the most real thing i know. you can apologize. and you can hope that someone sees it as a genuine display and attempt at making things right. but, with many things, you can't always get back what you lost....and i worry that the small chips in this relationship will one day become holes and soon enough i'll be staring at a rim with nothing in the middle. 

so you learn to talk about it--and you know that you're going to look like an over sensitive ball of emotions. but that's the thing about life--everyone is different. everyone has their own feelings. and everyone takes things differently. at the end of the day, i'm only certain that i can control my own actions and reactions. 

and those feelings of mine...they're important.

just like my words.

and yours.

because who wants to leave someone feeling less than awesome.....

not me.

so, here i am, choosing to make my words worth it.....to give them all of the love and care they deserve.

to think before i speak

and, even more, to say what i mean and how i feel.....because, unfortunately, words mean too little when they're a little too late.

that, friends, may be the hardest truth of all.....

the exception

this heart is tired today....just tired. 
i had a pretty overwhelming day.
and i know i'm one of those people who takes on a lot....too much, even.....and i've always believed it'll all even out in the end...but here i am, in the middle, feeling a whole lot of stressed. 

and, on top of it, someone who is important to me and matters made an off the cuff comment that i knew he meant to be funny and it just wasn't in the moment or after. and, quite honestly, it hurt.

so here i am...feeling rather unappreciated, defeated and tired.

i wear my heart on the outside. it's who i am....i am so transparent and open with my feelings and where i'm at in the moment that i forget not everyone is capable of being the same. i love to share human experiences with people. i love to build and make connections. i love for them to be nourished and deep. and i love, even more, for them to be a true representation of who i am.....because i refuse to make any kind of human connection that doesn't have substance or make me better. i spent a lot of time learning about what i want out of people and life and i refuse to surround myself with anything less than awesome because i know what i bring to the table. 

and, as with many things in life, i know that timing is everything. that comment may have been better received at a different moment or not after i had explained how overwhelmed i was feeling. mostly because i feel like, if anything, i try SO hard all of the time. 

but we're human.

and people forget that. even me.....

so, in an attempt to remember, i'm trying to let it go. because no one likes an over sensitive crazy and i'm feeling like i took it too much to heart.

sigh.

when who you are is not what people are used to, it's hard to find a balance. 

i'm learning that people like me are a rarity. people don't love as hard or invest as much as i do....and that makes me sad for a lot of reasons. mostly because i feel like people's hearts have hardened....how does someone become so guarded? i wish i knew....only because it sure would make things easier for me....but i guess that's why we're all different and it isn't about me. 

there have to be people with their hearts on the outside to even out people with their hearts buried on the inside, otherwise we'd all be the same and i like being a rarity most days. most days, i'm proud of the way i allow my heart to lead my life.

so, i believe today was just an exception.

only an exception.

and tomorrow has to be better.

good night, friends.

focus.

i've been fighting a pretty bad headache for most of the afternoon and evening. maybe it's exhaustion or the sign of stress creeping in but i hate these hours....because they are exhausting. i'm also fairly certain that blogging my little heart out isn't going to do a thing for this head of mine but it will do something for me and sometimes it's a trade off.

i've had a lot of full weeks lately....and while i love them, i worry about my time management and where it all goes. i find myself worried and unsure about how i'm going to balance my life when summer comes and is busier. how on earth will i manage time between the clinic and my business....

and, in those moments, i remember that i do it. every year. and i can do this. because i'm supported and loved. but as i stare at the final scans from one wedding and i know i have to start another, i feel my anxiety kicking in....and i have no idea what to do with it. 

so i just keep swimming....because the days come and go too quickly and all of this energy that i spend trying to figure it out really doesn't work....at some point you just learn to be a doer....and find your time and heart are hopefully split in the right places. 

prioritizing. sometimes it really is a numbers game. 

and sometimes you find yourself reprioritizing. 

because, when you get caught up in everything, chaos happens and when you're not looking some of your priorities get thrown around and before you know it, you're just juggling a hundred and one things and not putting them in their rightful position.

i hope that is a decent analogy. 

because i definitely feel like i'm juggling lately....or like i have adhd in this moment. i've switched songs about 12 times already and am not even getting to the end of one before i start another......and that's for an entirely different blog.

anyway, i've got to get focused. on something. or everything. 

because i have just the same about of hours in the day as albert einstein did. and anne frank. and a trillion other people-well known or not-who have made a difference. 

so i can, too.

i can make an impact.

and i can manage my life and schedule.

one day at a time.

love letters.

i have had a rough week.
well, that's not true. my heart has had a rough week.

instead of my brave face, i let myself cry the nearly entire drive home tonight...and i didn't fight it....

if i'm being honest, i know that i'm torturing myself by playing our wedding song on repeat but i. miss. him. i say that with every child like whine that i have inside myself which is pathetic and very ridiculous. i know for a fact that i can't kick and scream to get him back....i know it.....but there are distinct moments in my life where i am so frustrated that a man who so loved life isn't here any longer. he had passion. he lived every day with his entire self....he was thoughtful, compassionate, kind, and understanding. he loved to love people and he never ever let an opportunity to tell someone he loved them pass him by. he wasn't outgoing which was perfect for me since i was enough for both of us most of the time....but he was aware of everything and everyone. what they needed and wanted and how he could be there and that for them....it's amazing the way he loved people. he was my very best friend....and if you ask me what i miss the most, it's that. i miss my best friend. the person who knew me better than i ever gave him credit for.....he knew when i needed to laugh, when i needed to cry and when i didn't need a thing at all. i miss him taking out the garbage, planning our meals together, planning our calendar for the month, him shoveling so i didn't have to and a slew of other "every day" things. 

i miss the ordinary. the things that you never knew were going to mean something until they did. 


i know i've moved on in so many ways....and i feel it....my pieces aren't so sharp around the edges anymore and i've done a great deal of work to mend this heart of mine. and then there are weeks like this one when i remember how chris celebrated the shit out of valentines day. how he planned these beautiful moments for me and never thought twice about it. and yes, it's silly that i've held onto those little moments....but they're my details. and i love details.

so, tonight, i am reminded that life is too short. i feel it all too much lately. people die every day. and not everyone lives. 

because i know this, i try to live the length and the width of my days....never knowing when an adventure will come my way and rarely saying no to things that sound like an opportunity to be better, do better, or love better. 

i hope he'd be proud. i hope he'd smile and throw me a sign. i hope he'd be happy with what i've done since he's left. 

so, while i sit with a box of love letters and cards on my lap, i find myself thankful for the few tangible things i have left.....words written by his hands, a quilt made out of his favorite tee shirts, videos with his voice, and photos.....so many pictures....each with a story. 

i was the lucky one. what a beautiful example he gave me when he chose me to love. what a beautiful dream come true. it may not have lasted very long but it was worth every minute....every heartache...and every beautiful and hard moment. i wouldn't trade it for anything....i only wish it could have lasted longer.

fight for it.

love always wins.

i've believed that for the better part of the last 4.5 years.

it's crazy how much i believe it....even after tremendous loss. i found myself endlessly grateful and hopeful that i had enough of God's grace surrounding me to allow my heart to wrap around those few words. 

and, somewhere in the middle of it all, i realized that love had been wrapped around me the entire time.

soooooo, here i am....in the middle of this sappy and love filled week.....and here i am....believing in what i've always known to be true--love does always win. sometimes you've got to fight for it. 

fight like hell for it.

breathe through it.

and sometimes you'll need to take the deep breaths.

ones that let you stop and take it all in.

no one is guaranteed a single thing. 

but i'd rather live in love than anything else.

i'd rather be here, in this life, than in anyone else's.
because it's lovely.
and fun.
and it is entirely mine.

when i grow up.

when i grow up, i want to be more brave. unafraid. more courageous.
i want to be a leader.
a doer.
a thinker.
a lover of life.
braver.
i want to live.
i want to breathe. deeply.
i want to inspire people.
and i really want to sing. for no reason at all.
except that i love it.

sometimes i forget that i still want to be these things. it's easier to just get caught up in the moments you're currently in and not focus on what you really want in life.

and some days, it's really hard to remember who you want to be when you grow up.....because we should all still be growing....fighting....and learning to live.

but i remembered today.

and it was perfect.
and beautiful.

and exactly what this heart needed.