home.

i believe that sometimes you need to reset.

you need to find a place where you can get out of your head and away from everything you know in that moment and just breathe.

literally, breathe..

i believe that when you love what you do it doesn't feel like work.

and it isn't

because you love it.

and i believe that loving something too much can make that work stressful and hard.

but you can still love it....you just have to loosen your grip and be gentle with yourself. 

because doing your best with what you have at the time is enough.

i believe in forgiving yourself.

and others.

because it took me a very long time to realize that people love differently.

and that i can still be loved hard and appreciated even if it isn't the way i would do it. 

i believe that slowing down is necessary.

it's okay to not rush through it and it's okay to not live so hard. 

i believe you had better tell people you love them. 

a hundred times. 

because they deserve to know.

i believe hard work pays off.

and it takes you places you never thought possible.

i believe that unpacking is more work than any other part of being away.

because i hate laundry.

it's my least favorite chore. 

i believe in taking pictures. 

of everything.

not just because i'm a photographer.

but because i know what it's like to only have boxes full of photos and memories left.

so i won't take a chance on missing a moment....at least, not one that i want to remember.

i believe that people can and will surprise you.

and you have to be open and ready for that to happen.

i believe that life is imperfect and comes with so many uncertainties

but it's mine.

and i own it. every single day.

and i know that if i had the chance to relive every day, the frustrating things wouldn't be so frustrating because i would know the outcome. 

but i don't know it--so i need to stress less and just live through it.

most things are minor and not a catastrophe.

i had forgotten the difference for a minute or four. 

but i'm ready to regain my perspective.

i believe in being brave.

in choosing to remember that the sun is always on the other side of the clouds. 

because i had forgotten that, too.

i believe you don't have to see people every day to know they're right there and to feel like you're home when they're near.

home is wherever you are. 

it's beautiful when you learn to embrace that.

i believe in sunshine.

that it can completely melt the winter in your heart.

i believe in today. 

because every day i wake up, i am endlessly thankful. 

i believe in answering children when they call for me. 

in listening to them.

in rocking them to sleep.

and in hugging them with my entire self.

i believe i'm blessed. 

so blessed.

God has been so good to me.

and i am beyond grateful.

i believe that this heart needed to get away in order get back.

and while it was good to be on southern ground, it is so ridiculously good to be home. 

home sweet manitowoc 

brave.

we all have one.

a brave face.

you feel like you're holding your breath while it's on....because if you let it all out....you may just lose it and you've already lost it too much already.

so you fight like hell.....to breathe and own your brave face....and in the back of your mind, you just really hope that your brave face becomes your real face soon. that your heart stops hurting. aching. crying on the inside. and someone or something makes it okay again.

but sometimes it just isn't okay. sometimes it won't be for a little while.

sometimes the answers you seek are not simple.

because i care too much. i love too hard. and when i begin to feel like i'm on my own in all of it, i question everything. right down to the color i painted my toes.

and tonight, while i have been here crying and switching loads of laundry, i am reminded that i've been through much worse. the problem is that those moments seem so far away. it's both a blessing and a curse. it means my heart has healed far more than even i thought i was capable of....and that the "regular" hardships really are real again. they're not easily dismissed by knowing things could be worse and they're not swept under the carpet because i know how bad and hard it was once. they're just right here with me. in all of my makeup-smeared-face glory.

i don't know. i'm pretty uncertain and unsure in this moment.

but i am certain of one thing.

it won't be this way forever.

it can't be.

but, for tonight, i'm going to take comfort in this beautiful disaster and own this brave face until i can't anymore....and, by then, i hope the worst will be over.

thank you, God, for giving me another day. i promise to be more grateful tomorrow.

teddy.

i've had a rough week. if i'm being honest, i don't know if there's been a single day when i haven't cried ... or a day where i haven't wondered what exactly i'm trying to do and accomplish.... or a day where my insides didn't just hurt to the core.

and tonight, as i took the longest and hottest shower that i was able to muster, i just cried....i let my tears fall as the same song played on repeat through that little speaker in the shower head....i decided that it was okay to be sad...and it was okay to melt down.....because i'm human and my heart hurts.

i practiced conversations in my head should anyone ask me where i'm at or what's going on. i even practiced different ones for different people....
and i let myself get angry...
because i'm hurt.
and so incredibly frustrated.

that's the real truth.

as i've been fighting the many feelings in my perimeter, i decided that it was okay to let them crash over me today....

maybe it was the late night at the clinic last night and coming home to my poor puppy with an upset stomach who had an ugly accident and realizing i've been giving so much to so many people who don't necessarily give back to me.

or maybe it was driving home last night, completely emptied of myself.

or maybe it was this morning when it took everything in me to just get out of bed.

or maybe it was when i decided it was okay to make bad food choices because i was sad today. and then beat myself up for them minutes later.

or maybe it was that moment yesterday, the distinct moment, when i realized i may just be a helper and nothing more.

because i am the type of person who needs to feel valued. and wanted. and needed. and i sure haven't felt like that much lately.

it's like jennisa says....i'm teddy....faithful and a bit tattered and torn....and some day you'll just want teddy and not that new sparkly bear.....not because that sparkly bear isn't awesome but because teddy is comfort and strength and a hundred and one other things that just makes your heart feel good.

but teddy's missing his eyes...and has been sewn at least a dozen times....his fur is coming off...and he smells a little.

and sometimes you only see teddy's stitches and missing eyes. you forget the countless hugs and mooches and ways you squeezed him when you put him in a corner the minute the new bear arrived....because sparkly and new seems so much better right now.

and teddy waits. until you pick him up and love on him....maybe it's a day. or a week. and maybe it's even longer. but teddy is faithful and loyal and waits.

it's just the waiting that eats at a person....it's what allows me time to start believing the many things i told myself weren't true. it's that extra time that allows me to over think and feel my heart breaking.

then you stop.

you stop yourself from believing it. for just a minute.

and you just need to hear that it'll be okay. that you'll be okay.

you need a cheerleader. someone to cheer you on while your heart recovers from the bruises. someone to pick you up and hold you and all of your imperfections just long enough for you to feel like you matter and are important.

and you find it in you to try again.

because, like kid president says, some days you'll get ice cream and some days you won't.

sometimes, everyone needs a pep talk...

i think that's the point i'm at.

a pep talk, a hug, and someone to hold me long enough to feel like i am a priority. a factor. important. valued. loved. needed. and wanted.

i just need a glimpse. a moment.

someone to tell me it'll all be okay.

someone to make me believe it.

growing

what a bittersweet day. such blessings and such hard moments. it's amazing how that works....

it's like sometimes nothing hits you and then everything at once....and then you're just staying afloat until you figure it out....and i guess that's okay--it reminds me that life is ever changing....and that the only constant really is change.

i've always fought change....and not for any good reason...just that transition has never been easy for me....maybe because, most of the time, it hasn't always been my decision. and maybe, quite simply, because it's really stinking hard.

but here i am....finding myself in a lot of transition....some things as simple as the seasons....other things in my family and friendships...work stuff....life stuff....and my business moving faster than i can keep up.

and what i know for sure is that God means for me to be right here in this moment. and He means for me to thrive.....so i need to get caught up less in the "stuff" and see the bigger picture for nearly everything....because there IS one.

I imagine that if I had every day to live over, my days would look severely different. I wouldn't get as frustrated at some things because I'd know what battles matter and which ones don't.....and i wouldn't worry as much....because i'd know that i'm okay at the end of the day....and, like my momma says, worrying is like carrying an umbrella around every day waiting for the rain.

that's the thing about being better about what to get emotional about and what to let go of....when you wear your heart on the outside it's harder to do that. because i feel everything SO deeply. every word. every action. i feel it to my core. i wear it. i live it.

and in those moments, when i'm feeling everything, i find myself listening to the same song on repeat just to get out of my head for a minute.....and hoping for comfort to calm this restless heart.

because some days, you just need to know that you're valued, needed and wanted and you need some kind of constant in the middle of the vortex. so those insecurities that you have about what will happen once the storm is over are just tiny blips on the radar....and you decide to believe, with every piece of yourself, that you are enough. that what you do matters. and that you are, in fact, a part of something bigger than even you know.

the hard stuff makes you grow.

i believe that with every piece of myself.

so....for now....i'm growing.

days 6 and 7 of 40

• warmer weather than we've had in a while
• my beautiful business that is flourishing. i can't wait to see where it takes jennisa and i this year. a magic carpet under our feet lately. it's amazing.
• fun work days lately. and beautiful new beginnings for many reasons.
• a cleaner editing plate than i've had in a while.
• a somewhat free weekend....that's also full of some very fun and random happenings.
• a successful week....everything that needed to get done got done and i lived to talk about it. :)
• good friends. good people. surrounding me everywhere

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i love my feet....they've taken me so many places and i'm thankful for that.

i love how strong my quads are getting....and that i can see muscle definition in my legs. 

five.

i'll never forget it.
the words that haunt me.

i was at the funeral home. someone told me that five years from now, i'd be okay.
i didn't believe her. in fact, i thought she was crazy. i couldn't fathom five minutes from now...and now, i really am approaching five years.

i've missed him more than usual lately. i don't know exactly why.

i just know that i miss him.

i've driven through the cemetery more often than i have since he first died. i've been reading his love notes, watching the videos, thumbing through photos, and all together missing his sweet face.

i find myself wondering what he's doing....what we'd be doing if he was still here....talking about him....remembering his habits and the anal things that drove me crazy that i now miss more than anything.

so, tonight, when i changed my profile picture on facebook to an old one of us i couldn't remember the girl staring back at me. i don't know her anymore. i remember she was a little obnoxious and so ridiculously happy......i remember that she was so loved.....and i remember that her heart was so entirely whole....

but i don't remember her anymore. the woman i am now is because of that girl and i know this......but days like today, i really miss her.....because, as more time passes, it's harder to remember.

i have faith that someday it will all make sense.

but that faith is hard to keep some days. and some days it's all it's the only thing that remotely makes sense.

one day at a time. it still rings so true for me.

so today is one of those 'one days' and i'm owning that.

at least, for now.....

days 5 and 6 of 40

yesterday and today blurred together a bit....the fact that it is 946 pm and i JUST sat down will tell you that i've been working a lot this week and not seeing my fur kids nearly enough. but they are patient and i am ever so thankful for that.

so for my silver linings.....here it goes....

• i am thankful to be headache free for two entire days. i don't even know what to do with myself.
• for endless possibilities....drawing up a contract to do a destination wedding in Cozumel. how am i so stinking blessed?
• for my beautiful friends who have stepped up, stepped in, and taken me under their wings in the last few days.
• for my mom....who does so much for me.
• and my dad....who is dependable and reliable. 
• for the beautiful texts i've received that simply tell me i'm loved and i'm not myself. people know me better than i give them credit and i'm so glad they are here to remind me when i have forgotten.
• for my dogs....who are so patient and still wag their tails when i walk in the door too late lately. 
• for my patients....the ones who make me so thankful to work in a place where we make a difference. 
• for a long and beautiful day yesterday with someone who motivates me personally and professionally. while i do not have a perfect boss, it is the closest i've been to a truly great one in a very long time and i'm thankful for that. 
• for alaina and logan who leave me leftover joy for days. i'm still smiling about logan snuggles and alaina giggles on sunday. 
• for jennisa who, today, told me i'm amazing and being connected to me means so much to her. i never saw it like that before. she called me a rock star and i believed her.

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i love my nose....it's a fantastic little button that centers my face so beautifully.

i love my calves and how strong they are feeling after this week's workouts. they have definition....even for a fluffy girl :)

trust.

i have a lot to say today. most of it i can't put into words for many reasons and i'm learning that's okay. sometimes you learn that grace is more to do with how you react than the things you do for others. 

so i'm choosing to not react....to not let them steal my joy....and to gracefully keep moving forward. 

not because it's easy.

but because it's the best option. the only scenario that even remotely feels right. 

and i'm fighting for my heart to stay afloat after a couple of rough days.

tonight, though, alaina climbed all over me.....only wanted me to do nearly everything with her...and proved to me that i am loved. it was beautiful and lovely. she so perfectly called for me, needed me and loved on me. kids have a funny way of knowing what you need before you do....and maybe they don't know that you need them as much as they need you. maybe their timing is just perfect. maybe their hearts are so innocent that they can hear yours a mile away. or maybe you stop trying to figure it out and you just become ever so grateful for tiny hands and feet. 

either way, i find myself trying to let go and trust in the journey. the peaks and valleys exist everywhere and in everything. when you're on the upswing, you let go more easily.....but when you're heading into a valley, nearly everything becomes harder to swallow. sometimes you give too much. sometimes you take too much. and sometimes you don't even know if you're giving or taking. sometimes you're just breathing. 

while i'm here breathing, i'm learning i have been on my knees a lot lately. praying. hoping. finding myself. and i guess that's why the journey is so hard sometimes.....you have no idea if you're doing it right....if you're listening enough, being clear about what you need or if you're even on the right track.

so you decide to trust--because, honestly, the other options don't seem that great.

that's it.

the long and the short of it.

i'm finding it in me to gracefully trust in this plan. i have to believe there is one....and that it's good....

because it has to be. 

it just has to.

day 4 of 40

today's silver linings are harder to find than they've been so far....but here we go
beautiful babies and clients who feel like friends in front of my lens.
my ear finally popped
i got to see my oldest friend.
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i love the dimple on my cheek that's coming back since i started eating better and working out. i haven't seen it in too long and i'm glad it's making a come back.

day 3 of 40 a day late

i went to bed early to battle more of this sickness with rest....so here are yesterday's silver linings:
logan snuggles for much of the morning
a great photo shoot.
dinner with my bestest.
felt like i actually DID something with my day.
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affirmation:
i love the way my muscles feel after a good workout.

2 of 40

today's silver linings
lots of laughter.
fun banter.
pajamas on by 720 pm.
early bed time.
wore pants i haven't fit into in 3 years.
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i love my hands. they have created and crafted more dreams and ideas than even i knew possible. they've made things tangible, held babies and comforted people. they're beautiful.

1 of 40.

the start of my lenten promises. conscious blessings and a physical affirmation about my body.

today's silver linings......
i laughed with some of my favorite afternoon patients today. a lot. and it felt like joy.
ash wednesday mass with sarah.
tails wagging when i came home.
my mom's encouraging email this morning.
jennisa and jill checking in on me today.
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my eyes are beautiful. big brown doe eyes.
they're perfect.

more.

remember how i said my work world would be an escape for me this week....
i think i spoke too soon.

it's been tense here.
and frustrating.
and i'm tired of being stressed.

i work so hard to make everywhere i go feel a bit like family but it doesn't....at least, not in a giant circle. i have my links connected but the other people i work with don't.

i know it has a lot to do with the past. stuff that's happened that you can't let go of or move past.

but there also hasn't been much effort, lately, to move on or be better.
we never affirm each other.
at least, i don't. i don't tell them when they do something really well. because i forget how important it is.
and i take it for granted.
that i work somewhere where i have the ability to have a family.
not everyone has that and not everyone wants that.

but i do.

i want to love the crap out of the people i work with. because i see them more than i see my dogs or my friends or my parents. and i genuinely miss all of those things.

so here i am, frustrated.
because of words people are choosing to use.
and the lack of communication.

i feel like i'm constantly searching for a silver lining when i leave here.....instead of leaving with all of these amazing parts of my day. in the last few days i've struggled getting out of bed and getting myself motivated enough to be here and i haven't had that since i started here. i've loved coming here every single day.

but it's hard to do that when things are tense and it "feels" weird.

no one will talk about it.

but we all know it's happening.

so we ignore it because no one loves confrontation. and no one loves admitting when things aren't right.

but i need my family back. i need my work family to be solid. because i cannot invest in others when they're not invested, too.

i just don't operate that way.

here's hoping we can get back on track and that, the first night of me lenten journey will be full of amazing things that i'm grateful for rather than searching for silver linings and finding leftover joy from things that made my heart happy weeks ago.

there has to be more than this.

trying.

i'm not quite sure where i'm at today.
well, i know where i'm physically sitting right now.
it's my desk.
and it's covered in things to do and finish and more than enough work for a while along with marks from the intermittent tears i've been shedding today.

but, emotionally, i'm feeling drained and a bit sad today. 

you see, i'm one of those wear-your-heart-on-the-outside kinds of people and it's hard for people like me to explain how exhausting that can be. mostly because my brain and heart never turn off. they're conditioned to be available to everyone at any time for anything. it's crazy, i know. someone can't be ALL of that....right?! the fair answer is no....but the real answer is that i try to be. 

and it's the trying that gets to be draining.

but here i am, trying to be something to myself today....the girl in the mirror....and i just can't seem to find the space where that's possible. 

my heart is aching with what ifs.....
what if i never find someone to love again
what if i never have a child of my own
what if i am wasting my days and i don't even know it....
what if those days are shorter than i think....

and what if, right now, i have no idea that something wonderful could happen because i don't fully believe it anymore. what then?

i can't find my hope today.

and i need a cheerleader.

because this week isn't at all what i have been hoping for. and i know that happens. it's life.

you do the best you can and hope that it matters enough someday to look back and feel like you did what you should.

and if you can't....then you just keep trying, right?

silver linings.

almost time for bed. i feel a cold coming on and i did the neti pot but i know i need to rest so this one is going to be a short one.

today's silver linings:
one of my favorite patient's children declaring 'olivia day' and showering me with love and hugs and giggles.
an evening assembling favors for my friend's baby shower. this included wine and gluten free crackers which was just perfect.
dogs who were happy to see me when i got home.
knowing that daylight savings time is on it's way this weekend.
leftover warm fuzzy's from yesterday's date with alaina.

when i put it all down on paper, it doesn't seem like much. but it's a whole lot when you consider that today wasn't really my favorite....so i'm going to run with it for the rest of today.

i believe tomorrow has to be better.

it has to.

blessings.

i'm exhausted.
i've had such a full weekend that i'm looking forward to my work week being an escape.
crazy how my weeks change based on the days. sometimes i need the office to balance me out and sometimes i need getting out of the office to balance me out. strange, i know.

i'm finding myself a bit sad tonight but, in line with my lenten journey, i'm deciding to find my silver linings and blessings instead tonight.

i'm thankful that i have the ability to take my favorite kids on adventures
i'm thankful for the many friendships that sustain me and keep me moving forward.
i'm thankful for the many ways that life has allowed me to bounce back.
i'm thankful for my family who is always there.
and i'm beyond thankful that today i woke up when so many others did not.

for tonight, that seems like enough.