Live Your Love.

I believe in being happy.

I know, it doesn't seem all that profound at first but it really is when you step back and think about it. It is so much easier to carry the weight of every bad thing and experience....so much easier than to carry only a smile in your heart and a hop in your step. I recognize fully that happiness is not always attainable and that you must believe in what you're doing and where you want to be for it to work....and--mostly--that it is a conscious effort every day.

I am fueled by my emotions...every little thing rattles me some days and other days I feel like I can take on the world. It is rare when both of those worlds collide and I find a balance that lasts more than a few days or even hours...but I can assure you that the balance does exist and I am going to be better at making it so. It's part of choosing to be happy.

I'm learning the hard way that being happy is more a choice than I ever thought it was before. It is not just a chain of events that falls right into place. I am consciously choosing to love and accept every blessing and hardship that is coming my way...and I am also consciously choosing what it is that I will feel sadness over, loss with, and ultimately the energy I will allow to accompany me on this journey. I am responsible for that and that alone.

This leads me to another belief. I believe in owning your actions and ultimately who you are.

Again, not that profound....but accountability, within yourself, is crucial. I control the fact that I sometimes have bitten off more than I can chew...but I own it every single moment. I am owning that my own shortcomings are self-limited and not because of anyone or anything else. I own every mistake, every triumph, and every moment of bliss that I allow in my life....that while I am overwhelmed at times and feel like I have my "hands full" I need to recognize that as an abundance of blessings...and how absolutely amazing is that?!

The power of thought and perspective is huge. I own those too. I can allow myself to see things in positive or negative ways and while there is certainly room for both at appropriate times--the point is that it must be the appropriate time for both and owning those moments is crucial for the balance to come back.

This morning, while I was getting ready, I was completely indecisive on what to wear and every time I looked in the mirror, I found fault with something somewhere. In a true this-only-happens-in-the-movies moment, I decided I was going to own this outfit, especially the sweater that I normally would never wear, and I walked out of the house and didn't think about it again until I got compliment after compliment on it. I recognized it wasn't just the sweater...it was deciding to own the fact that my choice to see past the imperfections I so quickly noticed in the mirror just don't matter as much as I think--especially with a good sweater :)

Every action, word, and thought has a reaction--good or bad. Of course I want them to be good...but we are all human and with that comes pride and jealousy and those very things spark the negativity that I am so consciously choosing to avoid....but, on a bad day and even on the really good days, life happens....we act without thinking....we choose words that don't reflect our heart....and we forget that people's feelings matter. It is likely that I will not leave behind a legacy with my name engraved on it....but it is more likely that you will always associate how I made you feel with a negative or positive connotation....that, when I'm not in the room and my name comes up, you will have a distinct feeling about me.

Because of that very sentiment, I am choosing to be kind, happy, and fully myself.

Again, not that profound--not a single big word in that sentence--but the effect of those very things has the ability to ripple...to inspire...and to challenge others...which leads me to believe that, often, big words are not necessary when it comes to matters of the heart....for, even the smallest of children know the power of short, sincere sentences like I love you and I'm sorry.

Live your love. Own it. Choose happy. Be kind.

Goodbye is never easy.

I feel like I have so much to say today...I'm not sure where it's all pouring from, except that my heart is exploding with words that maybe weren't there just a few days or weeks ago. I recognized today that, for too long, I allowed myself to be used by a "friend" in hopes that it solidify my spot in his life....and I feel foolish. This friend, who I still care so much about, rearranged his priorities by who could do or give him something in return...and whether or not he realized it, he put me at the top of the list for every wrong reason--babysitter, listener, at times-housekeeper, someone else in the house, and I'm sure a bunch of other things that "filled" the empty hole in his heart at the time....the problem is that, for me, it wasn't a matter of convenience...and now that  he's found someone else...and I know that only through the grapevine...well, I am no longer needed, important, or anything at all in his life. It's been nearly 2 months since I've seen him....and maybe even longer since he checked in on me. He always called me his little sister but family doesn't leave family....and now I'm a bit peeved, mostly hurt, and left wondering how you just leave someone. I've reached out....gotten a few word responses here and there....and, aside from bits and pieces I hear from other people, I have now become a spectator in his life. Wow. 


He made a lot of promises that I know he won't follow through on....and while I'm not entirely surprised, I had bigger hopes than I should have...that's my fault I suppose. Expectations always do me in...and while I've spent the last 6 weeks thinking about the many memories we made and all the times we laughed, I'm having a hard time accepting that God brought him to me and me to him for just a short time....and that my "big brother" has chosen to walk away without even giving me a reason why....and that, until the bottom falls out again--if it ever will, I will be taking a backseat....and that is one hard pill to swallow. 


I never considered that this would have happened....that the many times we stayed up and promised each other that whenever we found someone else we'd still leave room for the other would change when that scenario came into play. I feel foolish and a bit angry at myself for allowing myself to be used...and because I'm a giver and he was one of my best friends I just wanted to be there for him and his family....and here I am, big brother-less, and there he is-completely oblivious to the fact that I even feel like this....wrapped up in his new life, himself, and I'd be lying if I told you I didn't miss him because I do...but you learn people's true colors real fast when you need them the most.


I've learned a lot of hard lessons from him....that sometimes the people who say they love you don't know what real love really is....because real love doesn't abandon you when the next best thing comes along...that sometimes you learn the hard way who a person really is....that all the good intentions in the world won't fix this....that your birthday dinner absolutely won't come, even though he still tells you it will....that your heart needs to put some relationships away so that it doesn't get bitter...and seeing someone through the hardest times doesn't mean they'll keep you around for the better ones. 


I think this is goodbye...at least, from me.....because there isn't a single thing left to say that he'll even hear. All the talking in the world won't make him see how hurt and saddened I am that this friendship lasted for only a short time....that someone who I confided in, relied on, made a place for as family, laughed with, considered a best friend, cried with, and dreamed with has closed the space for me in his heart...and maybe not entirely on purpose but then again, maybe entirely on purpose. 


And, for the first time in those six weeks, I have finally allowed myself to cry...to recognize the loss and to grieve a friendship that I thought I'd be able to count on forever. The reality of it all is sinking in...and the missing him sucks....what's worse is being a spectator in a life you care so much about....or maybe that the big brother I had grown used to walked away--on his own accord, without even telling me....and without me even doing anything wrong.....for the second time--the only difference is, I don't think he's coming back this time. 


He likely will never read these words or know how my heart is breaking...and I guess it's enough to know that I've at least gotten it off my heart for now. That has to be enough.


The worst part of all is that I still need my big brother...but he doesn't at all need his little sis. 

.Vanity.

We are all entitled to be a bit vain every now and again...I suppose now is that time for me. I have never considered myself to be at all consumed with how I look...in fact, it usually takes me about 20 minutes to get ready in the morning--hair, makeup, out the door. I have always prided myself in being pretty but not beautiful...and I say that not in a negative way but a very honest real fashion. This week, though, has given me a reality check when it comes to my vanity when I woke up Wednesday morning with quite a case of poison oak. 


I noticed two spots on my arm on Tuesday, didn't think much of it, flew home from Virginia and went on with my normal day to day activities. Wednesday, though, hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up with all of these bumps on my face--all over my face--my forehead, lips, cheeks, chin, and nose. At first I thought it was the chicken pox because I've never had them before but I quickly remembered being in the woods this past weekend and decided it had to be poison ivy, poison oak, or poison sumac....after some googling and a lot of itching I decided on poison oak. You can't tell from the picture of my face--I think it just looks pretty blotchy but if you got a close up look you'd think I was 13, just got my first period and training bra, and a bonus breakout just for fun....and because I've also been on prednisone and a super anti-itch cream that lasts about an hour before I want to claw out my face again. I was urged to go to the doctor because of the proximity of it all to my eyes--and as bad as it is, I can't even imagine if it would have gotten in my eyes. OUCH!


Anyway, it's given me some time to consider the vanity in me...I've always been one of those people who has said that people should love you for who you are...I think I do a pretty good job of that with others but learned quickly that I don't do that with myself.....at all. Immediately I ran to my boss asking if I looked okay, if you could notice, and spent the day wondering how many of my patients would notice or say anything. Most of my patients didn't say anything but then there were the handful who, upon noticing, said, with fear in their voice at the answer, "What happened to your FACE?...is that a RASH?...and (my favorite) Oh my gosh! I didn't know you could break out like that in your 20's" and, I was immediately upset because A.) people noticed and B.) they asked about it. I guess I had hoped that if people did notice they just wouldn't say anything because that would be rude and if I was a health hazard I wouldn't be here. Wishful thinking I suppose. Yesterday my face was a bit more red so I got more questions yesterday and am expecting more today as a new batch flood through the office. 


In the midst of my itching and feeling like the phantom of the opera, I had gotten every cream, lotion, and potion that showed any sign of hope for relieving the itching, drying out the oils that had infected my face, and thought I could bypass every person who told me I'd just need to wait it out....turns out, none of those creams, lotions, or potions allowed me to bypass....I am currently waiting it out. I wake up every morning hoping that it has dissipated or, better yet, disappeared, and each morning I am met with a twinge of disappointment when I still see it lingering there. The itching is what gets me...it's literally like something crawling in your skin. Remember when your mom would tell you to stop picking at your skin or that zit and she'd tell you she'll make you sit on your hands--yep, I'm at that point...the sitting on your hands point. 


In all of this, I've taken a good, hard look at the many facets in which I have viewed myself. Of course, everyone wants to be noticed and beautiful and well-liked....of course, we all wish that shirt that we just love would fit us like a glove but we're all different for a reason. I was driving to work this morning when the song "Beautiful Things" came on my iPod.....there is a line that says "You make me new...You are making me new" and I considered that this change, while physical for now, might change the way I see myself and others. This change is uncomfortable, painful at times, and definitely not what I had in mind...but, it sure has made me think about what I am choosing to see in myself and others. I can tell you that I haven't always been kind and that I have judged when I shouldn't have...that I have often wondered if people realized what they were wearing when they left the house in the morning...and that I've envied others "perfect" looks and beauty. The funny thing is, we're all just people...and I look this way because none of us are meant to be the same. It doesn't mean that I'm any more or less attractive than anyone else...I am not anyone else...so comparison is pointless and self-defeating...but every time I got overlooked by "that" guy or I got passed up for "that" job or I didn't get what I thought I deserved, I allowed it to be a physical thing...instead of it being preference....and we all have our own varying versions of what we prefer, like, and dislike. 


I am challenging myself to see myself, flawed and all, as a beautiful person....to stop getting caught up on my looks that will eventually fade anyway but to nurture the soul in me that can see the beauty in everyone, starting with myself....to see, with a more God-like love than I have before, that we all have a light inside of us that we simply cannot deny...and that very light will guide someone, many people even, at different points in their lives....so, for today, I'm going to love this face--eruptions and all--and I'm going to smile about it. At this point, there's not much else I can do anyway....with this, and with much of life, I'm just going to wait it out.

Here, there, everywhere

I have considered that life is not always fair and that the answers to big questions--any questions--do not come printed on the back of the test. Trial and error....that is mostly key...and a whole lot of praying, wondering, dreaming, and hoping. 


As of late I have truly considered my physical address. Sure, things are mostly good...and, from the outside looking in you might wonder why I am searching....and really, so am I to be entirely honest. They say you shouldn't leave until you know where you want to go...and, if we're being completely honest, it's just a feeling I'm going off of. Something just feels "off." It's not a normal, typical funk....it's not even a bad feeling...just that something isn't quite right. I am a bit confused myself--mostly because I am in the peak of my business booming, my job is finally rearranging itself back to a place of contentment and my friends and family are awesome. I have considered that the change needs to be more internal than anything else....but my internal meter keeps telling me that it is where I am, in this moment, that is not where it wants to be....yet, I am entirely uncertain of where I WANT to be. Perhaps that is the perk of coming back from vacation...it is far easier to consider the life you had for the last 5 days than to actually put into action a gigantic move, a new job, new surroundings, and a million other details that would easily take stress to a whole different level....but still, it hovers in my mind and I find myself wondering why not do it now...while I can still turn back when I have the chance....but change is hard and thinking of doing it and actually doing it are two very different things.


I want to spend the next few weeks deciding where it is that I need to be...whether that is right here, down the block, or somewhere totally different. I feel like I'm really on a quest to finding my whole heart instead of bits and pieces of just making it work....the bits and pieces are nice, but they aren't enough. 

.Vanilla.

Literally, 12 hours ago, I was in a different zip code, area code, state abbreviation, and time zone. Traveling blows my mind. I spent ample time in an airport today....I watched people, couples, children, grandparents, hurried travelers, people my age, people on business and vacation...and there I sat--contemplating "home." I have always been bad at the leaving part in a trip...I'm great at the beginning and the middle but it's always the end that gets me--I think, mostly, because wherever I go family and friends are the focal point of why I've left my cozy little home in Manitowoc. I've been to Richmond many times but today was the first time in a while that I walked in the airport and had tears well in my eyes....these boys that I have had the honor of knowing and loving are growing up before my very eyes. Jack started school today. Charlie is walking and talking and identifying colors and numbers and shapes. These are fleeting moments that I don't have enough of and only last for 5-7 days at a time. Quality time, absolutely. Quantity...not so much.

So, as I sat among other passengers today, I pulled out the book I had been meaning to read for some 4 or 5 months now....The Happiness Project. It poses the age old question...."What makes you happy?......"  Happy. Now there is something I think everyone knows about. It seems like we are always awaiting the day that when someone else asks, "Are you happy?" You can emphatically, without a doubt, say with 100% certainty--why, yes I am. Often it is equated by someone else or validated by whatever it is that is important to you....but, just today, when I spent my time in 3 different states, I didn't find time to ask anyone else that....just myself. There definitely were people who didn't look very happy, overheard conversations expressing frustration over visa's to Cambodia or your mother-in-law taking the children ALL day or the mistakes that are made.....but there, in the hustle of the Cincinnatti airport, was a beautiful older couple. They were in my gate and I sat across from them....the gentleman was sitting there with his frozen custard and his wife was walking around to calm her nerves....he saw what I was reading and offered to me that, "Young lady, if there's anything you want to know about being happy, you can find it in a dish of ice cream." Of course, I knew he was right, we laughed a bit and I learned he was on his way to his granddaughter's wedding this coming weekend-he and his wife had never flown before and he added "Sometimes you just need to go for it--remember that too--that's a big part of being happy." Of course, he told me that after he suggested to his children that he drive all the way here from Fairfield, OH, and that was met with much disapproval--he said, "When you're my age you leave the risk taking to the younger generation."

His wife joined our conversation adding that part of being happy is giving yourself hints to avoid needless embarrassment--then she pointed to her cell phone with the phone number taped to the front...apparently she has been known to forget that. We talked for another 10 or so minutes until we would board and as I said goodbye and wished them well, the gentleman turned to me and said, "happiness is simple. don't think too much about it." I smiled and walked away as I heard the lady boarding zone 2...and that was me. I spent the whole trip home thinking about that...a man whose name I don't even know was quick to point out that I wouldn't learn to be more happy by reading a book or taking tips from the self-help section at Barnes and Noble. There isn't a checklist like I had always thought....no corporate ladder or amount of contacts in your phone....there isn't a prestigous friend or colleague...fame won't keep you company on a bad day....and certainly, all the times you had said 'no' because it didn't fit perfectly into your plans instead of saying 'yes' won't give you happy. Of course, there are events that will lead you there--a flawless 5 year plan--or so you think...and pivotal moments that will change you, shape you, define you, and hold you accountable. I think real happiness is the light in our hearts that we can still find after the worst days, the worst moments, and is still recognizable when we have been broken, hurt, and are unsure of where this journey will lead....and, as Jack will sing for you, "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart..." 

All that being said, I think everyone hopes that their happiness is right around the corner...and while we are all mostly happy it is our nature to strive for more...to want better...and to dream bigger....when sometimes we just need to keep it simple. A dish of vanilla...chocolate syrup...and nuts....that was a wise man's recipe for "happy" and I don't think he was too far off.