One of my patients was grumbling about their pain today when another said to her, "They say that pain is how we know we're alive." I thought about that....for a long time....and you know what--breathing, that's how I knew I was alive. Sometimes I would watch my chest rise and fall and every once in a while I'd take in a deep, hard breath, and I'd do it over and over until I was able to get through the moments that felt like they would kill me. Pain and breathing....that's how I measured my "alive-ness."
If I paid attention to my breathing, I knew it was a bad day.....if I spent a day where it was natural, I didn't notice the pain so much it still was always with me, just like breathing, but it became second nature at times.
It has been a year and breathing has, most of the time, become natural again....but I still count my breaths on the moments that seem like years...and I still remember those pick-myself-off-the-floor-moments where it was all I could do to breathe through the deep cries to God for help and patience and understanding and most of all, acceptance and comfort. Yep--those were some ugly days.
In the same breath (no pun intended) I can tell you handfulls of beautiful days where I wanted to stop breathing for a while--just to stay in that wonderful place for more than a few beautiful seconds, minutes or hours.
The word breathe has become a mantra....a reminder of sorts....it means that life throws things at you that you never thought you could get through but it doesn't stop time from moving and your heart from beating and your lungs from filling and sometimes we miss people so much it hurts and sometimes we love people too much and sometimes we find ourselves in moments we never want to forget and wish time would stop.......but in all of those, you need to remember to breathe....because when the best in life happens, you'll definitely want to be breathing :)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
.Are there really other fish in the sea?.
Dating sucks. Let's be honest here....first of all, it is hard enough to start over on your normal routine than to even consider putting yourself back into the dating scene. For me-it's been anything but normal. I've talked to potential "dates" and have even gone on 2....and well, all I feel like is that I've been cheating on my husband each time. He doesn't look like Chris...or smell like Chris....or sound like Chris....and gosh, sometimes I want to just talk about Chris and all we did together and things we all would have had in common but the first date usually isn't the time or the place for that. Frustrating.
It certainly is different in the sense that it's an entirely different feeling the second time around...I have the want and desire to move slowly and when someone comes at me too fast, I panic....like when you call me and want a date within the first 72 hours of talking on the phone-I'm just not ready....or willing to be completely honest. Then there's a whole lot of fear....what if he doesn't like me or what if he likes me too much....or, worse, what if I like him? Then what...how do I tell Chris' family and how do I imagine not putting on my wedding ring each day....but, truth be told, I don't want to be alone forever either and I know Chris wouldn't want that for me either-in fact we had that conversation a few times and he always assured me he'd want me to find someone again. Too bad all the assuring in the world doesn't make this any easier. I feel like the hurdles I face dating are far worse than just being single. These hurdles are certainly high and, lets be honest--I'm certainly not built for track and field.
When I tell someone I'm a widow, all of a sudden all of these misconceived notions come about and people go on thinking whatever it is that they want and assume things that just aren't true. I'm not damaged or broken....I've been through hell but I didn't choose this, so please don't hold it against me. I have a lot of love to give and it wasn't all "used up" by my husband....your heart can grow and change and become something beautiful....and maybe, just maybe, you might even learn a thing or two from me about life and the beauty of living in the moment. I still have dreams and goals and things that make me happy. I still have hobbies and friends just like everyone else--the only difference is my life experience is a bit different than most...and believe me--I'm not contagious--this will not happen to you if you spend time with me.
Then, after the initial thoughts and suspicions are over--everyone wants to know how and why, at my age, I'm husband-less. Then people try to offer you some sort of condolences except most of the time I wish people would just offer a simple I'm sorry.
Now, the art of it is kindly listening and saying everything you think appropriate without scaring the other person off. Yep--definitely a balance I'm trying to master. Really-no one wants to hear about how God awful it was and no one really wants to laugh about it and no one really knows what to say after hearing your story so the best you can do is spin it into a positive about how much he taught me and how he'll always be a huge part of my life but that I still have room. At that point, it's almost like cheating....or, it feels like cheating. I know Chris is watching and listening and hearing....and then what.....what will he say when I get to Heaven....and suddenly, I'm really not listening to the other person much anymore--I throw in an "uh-huh" here and there and the next thing I know, I'm just off in my own little world wondering exactly what the hell I'm doing thinking that anything could be as good as what I had....and then before I know it, I've had to go or it's gotten too late and I've hung up the phone and the only person I wish was here to tell me how ridiculous that conversation was is a whole world away.
Ahhh, dating....is it really all it's cracked up to be? I feel like everyone is waiting for me to "announce" that I'm back on the market but really I'm embracing that if it's meant to be it will and until then, I'll enjoy myself and my life....if it should happen for me again I'm certain Chris' fingerprints will be all over it so maybe all I need is a sign...or a feeling...or just some patience. :)
It certainly is different in the sense that it's an entirely different feeling the second time around...I have the want and desire to move slowly and when someone comes at me too fast, I panic....like when you call me and want a date within the first 72 hours of talking on the phone-I'm just not ready....or willing to be completely honest. Then there's a whole lot of fear....what if he doesn't like me or what if he likes me too much....or, worse, what if I like him? Then what...how do I tell Chris' family and how do I imagine not putting on my wedding ring each day....but, truth be told, I don't want to be alone forever either and I know Chris wouldn't want that for me either-in fact we had that conversation a few times and he always assured me he'd want me to find someone again. Too bad all the assuring in the world doesn't make this any easier. I feel like the hurdles I face dating are far worse than just being single. These hurdles are certainly high and, lets be honest--I'm certainly not built for track and field.
When I tell someone I'm a widow, all of a sudden all of these misconceived notions come about and people go on thinking whatever it is that they want and assume things that just aren't true. I'm not damaged or broken....I've been through hell but I didn't choose this, so please don't hold it against me. I have a lot of love to give and it wasn't all "used up" by my husband....your heart can grow and change and become something beautiful....and maybe, just maybe, you might even learn a thing or two from me about life and the beauty of living in the moment. I still have dreams and goals and things that make me happy. I still have hobbies and friends just like everyone else--the only difference is my life experience is a bit different than most...and believe me--I'm not contagious--this will not happen to you if you spend time with me.
Then, after the initial thoughts and suspicions are over--everyone wants to know how and why, at my age, I'm husband-less. Then people try to offer you some sort of condolences except most of the time I wish people would just offer a simple I'm sorry.
Now, the art of it is kindly listening and saying everything you think appropriate without scaring the other person off. Yep--definitely a balance I'm trying to master. Really-no one wants to hear about how God awful it was and no one really wants to laugh about it and no one really knows what to say after hearing your story so the best you can do is spin it into a positive about how much he taught me and how he'll always be a huge part of my life but that I still have room. At that point, it's almost like cheating....or, it feels like cheating. I know Chris is watching and listening and hearing....and then what.....what will he say when I get to Heaven....and suddenly, I'm really not listening to the other person much anymore--I throw in an "uh-huh" here and there and the next thing I know, I'm just off in my own little world wondering exactly what the hell I'm doing thinking that anything could be as good as what I had....and then before I know it, I've had to go or it's gotten too late and I've hung up the phone and the only person I wish was here to tell me how ridiculous that conversation was is a whole world away.
Ahhh, dating....is it really all it's cracked up to be? I feel like everyone is waiting for me to "announce" that I'm back on the market but really I'm embracing that if it's meant to be it will and until then, I'll enjoy myself and my life....if it should happen for me again I'm certain Chris' fingerprints will be all over it so maybe all I need is a sign...or a feeling...or just some patience. :)
Monday, June 28, 2010
.Convertibles.
I have the mustang out today...it's crazy--I sink into that seat and it's like sinking into Chris. Good crazy of course. He loved that car. In fact, it was his dream car and how amazing that he had it before he died....he always thought he looked good in it too and he was right....he sure did.
I don't drive it all that often--truth be told, I really didn't love it the way he did...it's a bit too low to the ground for my taste and convertibles mess up my hair but I figure if I'm paying the insurance on it, and it takes up garage space, I should use it. I even took the dogs to daycare in it this morning--that had to be the sight. Finley had his head stuck out this tiny triangle window opening and Maya was in the front seat blocking my side mirror and trying to figure out how she too could get her head through that small little opening....Chris would take her for rides in the mustang and the side windows were her favorite-just big enough for her head to fit through. That's about all there was room for in the car this morning--the dogs, my purse, and me. While it certainly wasn't as packed as a clown car-it sure was a challenge compared to my SUV....but, Chris loved that car.
That car, lovingly named Trooper, is 9 this year and I have no desire to get rid of it or trade it in....even if we have a love/hate relationship. You see, I love looking at it, I love the idea of a convertible and the summer breeze with the top down....but I hate that it doesn't suit my needs and that it messes up my hair :) Chris always made fun of me for trying to keep it all looking somewhat decent while driving....except whenever we got from point A to point B it usually resulted in tangles and scared children at the sight....and he quickly reminded me he loved me anyway.
What a statement. I love you anyway....even when your hair is a mess and you get out on the wrong side of the bed....even when you over-react sometimes....even when you make mistakes....even when you laugh at the wrong moments....even when . . .
He loved me even though I wasn't perfect. Even though I had a lot to learn....and even though I often tried and failed. He cared even though I sometimes got upset easily and even though I didn't always know the right thing to say or do.
So, maybe I can convert a smidge and love Trooper even though it doesn't really suit my needs...even though it messes up my hair....even though it's nothing I would have chosen for myself....because, really, it's not going anywhere....so we might as well compromise.
I don't drive it all that often--truth be told, I really didn't love it the way he did...it's a bit too low to the ground for my taste and convertibles mess up my hair but I figure if I'm paying the insurance on it, and it takes up garage space, I should use it. I even took the dogs to daycare in it this morning--that had to be the sight. Finley had his head stuck out this tiny triangle window opening and Maya was in the front seat blocking my side mirror and trying to figure out how she too could get her head through that small little opening....Chris would take her for rides in the mustang and the side windows were her favorite-just big enough for her head to fit through. That's about all there was room for in the car this morning--the dogs, my purse, and me. While it certainly wasn't as packed as a clown car-it sure was a challenge compared to my SUV....but, Chris loved that car.
That car, lovingly named Trooper, is 9 this year and I have no desire to get rid of it or trade it in....even if we have a love/hate relationship. You see, I love looking at it, I love the idea of a convertible and the summer breeze with the top down....but I hate that it doesn't suit my needs and that it messes up my hair :) Chris always made fun of me for trying to keep it all looking somewhat decent while driving....except whenever we got from point A to point B it usually resulted in tangles and scared children at the sight....and he quickly reminded me he loved me anyway.
What a statement. I love you anyway....even when your hair is a mess and you get out on the wrong side of the bed....even when you over-react sometimes....even when you make mistakes....even when you laugh at the wrong moments....even when . . .
He loved me even though I wasn't perfect. Even though I had a lot to learn....and even though I often tried and failed. He cared even though I sometimes got upset easily and even though I didn't always know the right thing to say or do.
So, maybe I can convert a smidge and love Trooper even though it doesn't really suit my needs...even though it messes up my hair....even though it's nothing I would have chosen for myself....because, really, it's not going anywhere....so we might as well compromise.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
.Life Goes On.
I celebrated a memorial service for my wonderful husband just three days ago and a year ago today I buried him....it's put me in a smidge of a funk. One of those flat line periods where you're not entirely sad but you're definitely not happy. I've done my best to distract myself but God, sometimes I can't help that all I think about is what I've lost....then I let it go and try again...it's always about trying again....one foot in front of the other just long enough until you're through the day--even a year later it still is one day at a time most of the time. Grief never ends--the process will go on forever...it certainly does get easier but it never goes away.
I remember the funeral...the burial...the days after that felt like years....and still, there are days I wish I was back in that moment. Not to relive the hell but because so many people were around and calling and checking in....and, sadly, that changes and stops--life just goes on. Everyone tells you this will happen--all the people who try to offer their condolences and well wishes reminds you that 5 years from now this will feel like just a rough patch--except, if they've ever been through it, they'd know that 1 year later it was more than just a "rough patch" It was the rough patch that altered my life forever and took away everything I ever dreamed of...but here I am, replacing those things with new dreams, new hope, and lots of new beginnings. No, it definitely wasn't what I planned for but even the best laid plans often need rearranging. Life happens.
They promised me that life would go on...and it has...not in the most pleasant of ways and not without a lot of heartache and stumbles but it does....and truthfully, that is something everyone can relate to. I don't think there's a single person who hasn't had their own version of the bottom dropping out at some point in their life. It happens in different ways but, as human beings, we all know the feeling of loss, gut wrenching tears, and the sleepless nights when we lay awake wondering if the sun really does come out tomorrow.
We always have a choice though--rise up to meet the challenge or let it destroy us. Our choices dictate all we are and all we can become. I choose every day to get out of bed...walk with love...and always carry the memory of Chris close in my heart. I also choose to let this experience change me for the better....because, if I've learned anything in this last year it's that life really does go on.
I remember the funeral...the burial...the days after that felt like years....and still, there are days I wish I was back in that moment. Not to relive the hell but because so many people were around and calling and checking in....and, sadly, that changes and stops--life just goes on. Everyone tells you this will happen--all the people who try to offer their condolences and well wishes reminds you that 5 years from now this will feel like just a rough patch--except, if they've ever been through it, they'd know that 1 year later it was more than just a "rough patch" It was the rough patch that altered my life forever and took away everything I ever dreamed of...but here I am, replacing those things with new dreams, new hope, and lots of new beginnings. No, it definitely wasn't what I planned for but even the best laid plans often need rearranging. Life happens.
They promised me that life would go on...and it has...not in the most pleasant of ways and not without a lot of heartache and stumbles but it does....and truthfully, that is something everyone can relate to. I don't think there's a single person who hasn't had their own version of the bottom dropping out at some point in their life. It happens in different ways but, as human beings, we all know the feeling of loss, gut wrenching tears, and the sleepless nights when we lay awake wondering if the sun really does come out tomorrow.
We always have a choice though--rise up to meet the challenge or let it destroy us. Our choices dictate all we are and all we can become. I choose every day to get out of bed...walk with love...and always carry the memory of Chris close in my heart. I also choose to let this experience change me for the better....because, if I've learned anything in this last year it's that life really does go on.
.Twelve Months.
It seems almost strange to be sitting here, reflecting on a whole year. Truth be told, most of the time it doesn't ever feel like a year but I suppose that's mostly normal too and maybe normal doesn't mean much...maybe normal is just a measurement so we don't always feel so crazy.
You all have walked this journey with me....day to day...month to month...sometimes hour by hour...and I want you all to know how much strength I draw off your comments, love and prayers. I feel your prayers wrap around me....even on the hardest days. I promised myself when I started these ramblings that I would document this journey so that I might be able to see progress at the end of a year and I have seen just that.
If there is anything I have learned it is that life does go on and that finding your place in life again requires patience, work, love, and a whole lot of prayer. It is with God's grace that I find myself here, at the end of a year, with more peace than sorrow. I can tell you that it is true, I have laughed again--with my whole heart....I have smiled to the ends of the earth...I have made beautiful new dreams...I have spoken from my heart....I have learned to let go and accept that which I couldn't have changed then and still can't change now....I have picked myself up, dusted myself, and learned the true beauty in trying again-always trying again....I have made beautiful memories....I have learned the power of love....I have sung at the top of my lungs again....I have seen Chris' memory change people....I have been a part of my own change of self...and because of that, I am better, stronger, and braver than I could have ever known a year ago.
Today certainly is a day I will never forget....I will forever mark time by this day....but I will also remember, with my whole heart, the beauty that is Chris--the way he smiled and laughed and sung and loved....and no, the missing him never goes away....and the loving him never stops....and the thoughts of where we'd be if this didn't happen come into mind often....but then, time stops for a moment and I can feel him near me. A year later I still remember the sound of his voice, the depth of his laugh, the way it felt when his arms wrapped around me, the way his hand would reach for mine, and the love that envelopes me every single day. He is still here....everywhere....in everything...and everyone--and that is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world.
The ups and downs will always exist....and the grieving is always a process and sometimes I go forward and sometimes I find myself falling behind but always, I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I couldn't have known the strength that would accompany me on this journey a year ago....after the numbness wore off, all I remember is feeling stuck, sad, and angry....and then the anger subsided, and just sadness was left--this emptiness...this longing...and then the living started to happen again--the participating in life and not just feeling like I was better off watching and before I knew it, I had turned a corner without even realizing I was walking instead of just standing....and sometimes, it felt like I was running--running toward this peace...and then acceptance creeped in ever so slowly until I was ready to get over the hump...and then, it happened...and all that was left was this unending love that pours into my heart each day.
So....this next year hold much promise and new hope as I continue on this journey. I have big plans for myself...and I plan on carrying Chris with me through them all....I have lots of big news that I will unveil when the timing is right and I pray you all will support me through more bad and good days. You all have been a part of my healing....and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing beside me, sometimes carrying me, and always holding me close to your heart.
You all have walked this journey with me....day to day...month to month...sometimes hour by hour...and I want you all to know how much strength I draw off your comments, love and prayers. I feel your prayers wrap around me....even on the hardest days. I promised myself when I started these ramblings that I would document this journey so that I might be able to see progress at the end of a year and I have seen just that.
If there is anything I have learned it is that life does go on and that finding your place in life again requires patience, work, love, and a whole lot of prayer. It is with God's grace that I find myself here, at the end of a year, with more peace than sorrow. I can tell you that it is true, I have laughed again--with my whole heart....I have smiled to the ends of the earth...I have made beautiful new dreams...I have spoken from my heart....I have learned to let go and accept that which I couldn't have changed then and still can't change now....I have picked myself up, dusted myself, and learned the true beauty in trying again-always trying again....I have made beautiful memories....I have learned the power of love....I have sung at the top of my lungs again....I have seen Chris' memory change people....I have been a part of my own change of self...and because of that, I am better, stronger, and braver than I could have ever known a year ago.
Today certainly is a day I will never forget....I will forever mark time by this day....but I will also remember, with my whole heart, the beauty that is Chris--the way he smiled and laughed and sung and loved....and no, the missing him never goes away....and the loving him never stops....and the thoughts of where we'd be if this didn't happen come into mind often....but then, time stops for a moment and I can feel him near me. A year later I still remember the sound of his voice, the depth of his laugh, the way it felt when his arms wrapped around me, the way his hand would reach for mine, and the love that envelopes me every single day. He is still here....everywhere....in everything...and everyone--and that is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world.
The ups and downs will always exist....and the grieving is always a process and sometimes I go forward and sometimes I find myself falling behind but always, I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I couldn't have known the strength that would accompany me on this journey a year ago....after the numbness wore off, all I remember is feeling stuck, sad, and angry....and then the anger subsided, and just sadness was left--this emptiness...this longing...and then the living started to happen again--the participating in life and not just feeling like I was better off watching and before I knew it, I had turned a corner without even realizing I was walking instead of just standing....and sometimes, it felt like I was running--running toward this peace...and then acceptance creeped in ever so slowly until I was ready to get over the hump...and then, it happened...and all that was left was this unending love that pours into my heart each day.
So....this next year hold much promise and new hope as I continue on this journey. I have big plans for myself...and I plan on carrying Chris with me through them all....I have lots of big news that I will unveil when the timing is right and I pray you all will support me through more bad and good days. You all have been a part of my healing....and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing beside me, sometimes carrying me, and always holding me close to your heart.
.I Couldn't Have Known It Then.
I have been surrounded by new beginnings lately....felt them all around me....and I've done my best to embrace them....and how freeing it has been. Love. Life. Laughter. Dreams. They are all in plain sight and clear view...and after having truly forgotten how they felt for quite some time, it is a welcomed return.
I wish I could tell you how hard I laughed in Ireland. Sitting at the Arch House with my two best friends....I laughed so hard I cried and then I felt--these tears of absolute joy...and they flooded over me so quickly and I felt this joy that I thought had escaped me and yet, there it was, finally in my grasp again. Finally close enough to hold, to feel, and to use to put myself back together. I left a piece of myself in that beautiful country.......along with the sorrow I left it, I gave it such love so that I may go back and feel nothing but love again and again and when I return I hope to have found that my heart could only ever keep growing
I couldn't have known it then....but I do now....that the sun could shine again.....I could dream new dreams again... I could laugh with my whole heart again and smile to the ends of the earth.....the world would be a little less scary and I could love myself by myself enough for myself....and yes, all of these things have happened for me so that I could reach the light at the end of that very dark, seemingly long, tunnel.
And it is true that I miss Chris every day....and that I wish he could be here....and that I still have my rough days....but I use his light and love to guide me....to hold me close when I need it the most...and to know that I've been through the worst......it can only ever go up from there.
I know we all have bad days and bad things happen to really good people.........but I also know that good things happen to those great people too and that there is a great plan for us all. I couldn't have known it then....but I do now....and it's filled with more love than anyone can imagine and it will leave you bursting at the seams again....for the days filled with hope and promise that tomorrow might be even better than today....and maybe sometimes, it won't be....but most of the time--I hope those tomorrows are always better than your best yesterday so the joy you feel may be deeper, bigger, and more beautiful than anything you've ever known....and I pray each day that we all may know that kind of love.....that unending joy.
I wish I could tell you how hard I laughed in Ireland. Sitting at the Arch House with my two best friends....I laughed so hard I cried and then I felt--these tears of absolute joy...and they flooded over me so quickly and I felt this joy that I thought had escaped me and yet, there it was, finally in my grasp again. Finally close enough to hold, to feel, and to use to put myself back together. I left a piece of myself in that beautiful country.......along with the sorrow I left it, I gave it such love so that I may go back and feel nothing but love again and again and when I return I hope to have found that my heart could only ever keep growing
I couldn't have known it then....but I do now....that the sun could shine again.....I could dream new dreams again... I could laugh with my whole heart again and smile to the ends of the earth.....the world would be a little less scary and I could love myself by myself enough for myself....and yes, all of these things have happened for me so that I could reach the light at the end of that very dark, seemingly long, tunnel.
And it is true that I miss Chris every day....and that I wish he could be here....and that I still have my rough days....but I use his light and love to guide me....to hold me close when I need it the most...and to know that I've been through the worst......it can only ever go up from there.
I know we all have bad days and bad things happen to really good people.........but I also know that good things happen to those great people too and that there is a great plan for us all. I couldn't have known it then....but I do now....and it's filled with more love than anyone can imagine and it will leave you bursting at the seams again....for the days filled with hope and promise that tomorrow might be even better than today....and maybe sometimes, it won't be....but most of the time--I hope those tomorrows are always better than your best yesterday so the joy you feel may be deeper, bigger, and more beautiful than anything you've ever known....and I pray each day that we all may know that kind of love.....that unending joy.
.Eleven Months.
Eleven months has come so quickly some days and other days it feels like the days have gone so slowly. This last month...mostly this trip to Ireland...has allowed me for much healing. It's amazing the perspective you get when you are somewhere you can be just you again....not the young widow or the poor girl who lost so much...just Chris' wife, Olivia, who found her building block to put herself back together and start over.
St. Patrick's cathedral was beyond moving for me. I found myself crying and praying the deepest prayers I had ever known and it was there, in that beautiful sanctuary, among travelers, tourists, locals, and my two best friends, that I realized I never really said goodbye...at least, not in the way I would have wanted if I had the time to let my heart out and say what it wanted. I sat in that hospital room, numb, not knowing what to say or if he'd hear me but I know he does...I know this goodbye that I write today will be more than enough and it will reach him, wherever he might be.
Eleven months is so close to the one year mark....and so far from the nearly 7 years we would have spent together this year....he blessed me with the most beautiful life--I hope you can all see, among the sorrow, there is great joy...joy in the way he loved me and taught me to love...joy in the beauty of just being myself in a love so deep that I never worried about saying the wrong thing or how I looked when I rolled out of bed in the morning...a love that washes over me, even now, and is gently pushing me to start living for me again--to make myself a priority, to care about me and to start over....but not before I tell the man who showed me the most beautiful sunsets and made every sunrise brighter than the last....and who, even on the stormiest of days, always reminded me to look for the rainbows...and if I was lucky enough, I might even see two at once. The man who comforted me...made my bad days better...and gave more of himself than I ever even realized until it was too late....the man who would never be mad at me for starting over and taking care of me....and who visits me in my dreams. This one, my love, is just for you....
Dear Chris,
If I had known this is how it would end, I would have had more to say to you than I did that day nearly a year ago. I would have told you the depths of my heart...and I would have memorized your heart beat as we slept that night. I couldn't have known though, so this is my proper goodbye...at least in this lifetime.
I loved the way you love me. I love your curly hair and those beautiful hazelnut colored eyes....I love the birthmark on your forehead that you always thought stuck out too much...I love the traveling we got to do together...I love the quiet moments when you'd say something out of nowhere and it made me laugh so hard I would cry....I love how ticklish your feet are...I love that at 28 you had the most beautiful laugh lines....I love the way you laughed with your whole heart....you felt joy with your entire being.
You are the best man I ever met....you believed there are great things inside of me and you reminded me to take it slow, breathe deeply, and always love with my whole heart--no regrets, just more love. You sing in the shower and I'd stand by the door just to listen to it all....you made mistakes and were quick to apologize. I love the lists and the routine you created around me and us.
I miss you. I miss everything you are.....but I know that you are always here....and you always hold me in the palm of your hand, even when things get hard....but God knows, I miss you so much. I miss the sound of your razor in the bathroom every Sunday and Wednesday....I miss your quirks and the passion you had for so many things. You taught me that--passion, love, all of it wrapped into one beautiful person.
I want you to know that just because time changes me....that because I will put myself back together someday, I will always be your wife and I will always love you. There will be a day when starting over doesn't seem so scary and I dive right in...and I want you to be there for all of that too....I want you to know there are still going to be the really hard days but I am choosing to remember the beautiful days of your life...to celebrate you each and every day....in every possible way that I can. I want you to be proud of where I'm going and the honor I have of carrying your memory in the depths of my heart each and every day.
I want you to know I'd do this all over again every day....and that you will always be my best friend, confidant, and husband....even if you can't talk back--I will always talk to you--when I'm sad, mad, happy, content, thriving, joyful, numb, defeated, and blissful.
I want you to feel the prayers and love I send to Heaven each day....and I want you to know how thankful I am for bringing me into your life--enveloping me in it--and never letting me go. You promised you'd love me until the end of time and you did....every day you loved me just like the first day you said it out loud....and you take care of me-even now when I cannot see you...and you always will.
You are the best man. I couldn't find anyone better. Maybe love will come for me again someday and if it does, I know your fingerprints will be all over it...and if it doesn't, I will at least know what it felt like....but no matter what, you will love me and I know this--there is no shame in starting over...you give me the courage each day to try again....and my strength comes from you...fueled by your love and protected in your safe arms. So, I'm going to stop worrying about how things look to the outside and I'm going to live our love each day so that you would be proud....thank you for giving me the space to do this....and for still wrapping me in your heart each day.
Maybe it's not goodbye....maybe it's just that our conversations will be one sided for a while....because I still feel you....I still know you're here...and I will always love you from here to the moon.....and maybe the day when I dive in and start over will be scary....but you'll be there, holding my hand, making sure I don't go in too deep before I'm ready.
Goodbye is permanent...but I will see you again-I'm sure of it-and when I do, just know that every step I take I have carried you with me. See you when I get there, love....until then, I'll be meeting you in my dreams.
Love always,
Your Livvy.
St. Patrick's cathedral was beyond moving for me. I found myself crying and praying the deepest prayers I had ever known and it was there, in that beautiful sanctuary, among travelers, tourists, locals, and my two best friends, that I realized I never really said goodbye...at least, not in the way I would have wanted if I had the time to let my heart out and say what it wanted. I sat in that hospital room, numb, not knowing what to say or if he'd hear me but I know he does...I know this goodbye that I write today will be more than enough and it will reach him, wherever he might be.
Eleven months is so close to the one year mark....and so far from the nearly 7 years we would have spent together this year....he blessed me with the most beautiful life--I hope you can all see, among the sorrow, there is great joy...joy in the way he loved me and taught me to love...joy in the beauty of just being myself in a love so deep that I never worried about saying the wrong thing or how I looked when I rolled out of bed in the morning...a love that washes over me, even now, and is gently pushing me to start living for me again--to make myself a priority, to care about me and to start over....but not before I tell the man who showed me the most beautiful sunsets and made every sunrise brighter than the last....and who, even on the stormiest of days, always reminded me to look for the rainbows...and if I was lucky enough, I might even see two at once. The man who comforted me...made my bad days better...and gave more of himself than I ever even realized until it was too late....the man who would never be mad at me for starting over and taking care of me....and who visits me in my dreams. This one, my love, is just for you....
Dear Chris,
If I had known this is how it would end, I would have had more to say to you than I did that day nearly a year ago. I would have told you the depths of my heart...and I would have memorized your heart beat as we slept that night. I couldn't have known though, so this is my proper goodbye...at least in this lifetime.
I loved the way you love me. I love your curly hair and those beautiful hazelnut colored eyes....I love the birthmark on your forehead that you always thought stuck out too much...I love the traveling we got to do together...I love the quiet moments when you'd say something out of nowhere and it made me laugh so hard I would cry....I love how ticklish your feet are...I love that at 28 you had the most beautiful laugh lines....I love the way you laughed with your whole heart....you felt joy with your entire being.
You are the best man I ever met....you believed there are great things inside of me and you reminded me to take it slow, breathe deeply, and always love with my whole heart--no regrets, just more love. You sing in the shower and I'd stand by the door just to listen to it all....you made mistakes and were quick to apologize. I love the lists and the routine you created around me and us.
I miss you. I miss everything you are.....but I know that you are always here....and you always hold me in the palm of your hand, even when things get hard....but God knows, I miss you so much. I miss the sound of your razor in the bathroom every Sunday and Wednesday....I miss your quirks and the passion you had for so many things. You taught me that--passion, love, all of it wrapped into one beautiful person.
I want you to know that just because time changes me....that because I will put myself back together someday, I will always be your wife and I will always love you. There will be a day when starting over doesn't seem so scary and I dive right in...and I want you to be there for all of that too....I want you to know there are still going to be the really hard days but I am choosing to remember the beautiful days of your life...to celebrate you each and every day....in every possible way that I can. I want you to be proud of where I'm going and the honor I have of carrying your memory in the depths of my heart each and every day.
I want you to know I'd do this all over again every day....and that you will always be my best friend, confidant, and husband....even if you can't talk back--I will always talk to you--when I'm sad, mad, happy, content, thriving, joyful, numb, defeated, and blissful.
I want you to feel the prayers and love I send to Heaven each day....and I want you to know how thankful I am for bringing me into your life--enveloping me in it--and never letting me go. You promised you'd love me until the end of time and you did....every day you loved me just like the first day you said it out loud....and you take care of me-even now when I cannot see you...and you always will.
You are the best man. I couldn't find anyone better. Maybe love will come for me again someday and if it does, I know your fingerprints will be all over it...and if it doesn't, I will at least know what it felt like....but no matter what, you will love me and I know this--there is no shame in starting over...you give me the courage each day to try again....and my strength comes from you...fueled by your love and protected in your safe arms. So, I'm going to stop worrying about how things look to the outside and I'm going to live our love each day so that you would be proud....thank you for giving me the space to do this....and for still wrapping me in your heart each day.
Maybe it's not goodbye....maybe it's just that our conversations will be one sided for a while....because I still feel you....I still know you're here...and I will always love you from here to the moon.....and maybe the day when I dive in and start over will be scary....but you'll be there, holding my hand, making sure I don't go in too deep before I'm ready.
Goodbye is permanent...but I will see you again-I'm sure of it-and when I do, just know that every step I take I have carried you with me. See you when I get there, love....until then, I'll be meeting you in my dreams.
Love always,
Your Livvy.
.Love Is A Beautiful Thing.
They say you should write about what you know....well, what happens when you just don't know anymore. I'm finding myself in that very predicament.
It is true life does go on....but for me, different parts have gone and others haven't. It's strange--sometimes you make huge strides....other times baby steps...and, even other times, you find yourself going backward. I certainly have gotten back into the normal life routine of going to work, coming home, taking care of the pets, and even taking out the garbage--which, ten months later, I still hate....but then there are other parts, moving into other relationships or cementing myself at an address that I still struggle with. Currently, I am feeling a bit stuck....I'm still searching for that epiphany that comes and then you quickly realize everything is going to be warm and fuzzy again. This is the hard part, friends....it doesn't exist. I have to work every day to get through all the feelings and emotions and normal routine that I can't avoid. It is hard work and that's as honest as it gets. Sure, there are always easier days but you work for them and lately, I work just to keep my head above water.
I've been wondering a lot lately how we treat people....what happened to "treat others as you'd like to be treated" That was one of my grandma's favorite lines--and truly, if she was here to tell them-it certainly might change things. I've been around people lately who are hurting each other in their marriages, relationships, friendships, family bonds, and even strangers who are only trying to help....and yet, we sit, treating others without compassion or respect or the same love we demand from others. I just don't understand. When Chris died I was truly blessed with more love and compassion than I ever anticipated at a time like that....and it taught me a lot about how to treat people. It doesn't mean I'll turn the other cheek at avoiding an argument or that I still don't believe in actions and that words are important...and believe me--I know people make mistakes, myself included, but what happened to having enough love to save someone from more hurt than was ever necessary. Like I said, I don't understand....maybe that's just a small part of the many lessons I'm trying to learn from.
Something I have learned from working with all kinds of people is that you never know the burden one is carrying....I recently ran into an old patient of mine that I hadn't seen before I got married. She excitedly greeted me saying, "Congratulations is in order!" and when I asked her why she said, "Well, you got married since I last saw you" and I certainly had but she had no idea I had also become a widow since she last saw me as well....and I walked away, not telling her that part....but it stung...and reminded me that what you say to others matters....always. It doesn't matter if you're a Christian, Atheist, or otherwise....it's about being a kind person. It's easy to take things out on other people...and believe me, people tell me all the time that they would understand if i did.....but at what cost? Only God truly knows this pain.
We each have our own story....and, in writing this, maybe I do know something--I know that it is important to acknowledge that story in ourselves and in others who we may or may not know. I am challenging myself, and perhaps you will as well, to treat people better.....it will only pay back in more love....so I think it's worth all the time I can give. Love is a beautiful thing.
It is true life does go on....but for me, different parts have gone and others haven't. It's strange--sometimes you make huge strides....other times baby steps...and, even other times, you find yourself going backward. I certainly have gotten back into the normal life routine of going to work, coming home, taking care of the pets, and even taking out the garbage--which, ten months later, I still hate....but then there are other parts, moving into other relationships or cementing myself at an address that I still struggle with. Currently, I am feeling a bit stuck....I'm still searching for that epiphany that comes and then you quickly realize everything is going to be warm and fuzzy again. This is the hard part, friends....it doesn't exist. I have to work every day to get through all the feelings and emotions and normal routine that I can't avoid. It is hard work and that's as honest as it gets. Sure, there are always easier days but you work for them and lately, I work just to keep my head above water.
I've been wondering a lot lately how we treat people....what happened to "treat others as you'd like to be treated" That was one of my grandma's favorite lines--and truly, if she was here to tell them-it certainly might change things. I've been around people lately who are hurting each other in their marriages, relationships, friendships, family bonds, and even strangers who are only trying to help....and yet, we sit, treating others without compassion or respect or the same love we demand from others. I just don't understand. When Chris died I was truly blessed with more love and compassion than I ever anticipated at a time like that....and it taught me a lot about how to treat people. It doesn't mean I'll turn the other cheek at avoiding an argument or that I still don't believe in actions and that words are important...and believe me--I know people make mistakes, myself included, but what happened to having enough love to save someone from more hurt than was ever necessary. Like I said, I don't understand....maybe that's just a small part of the many lessons I'm trying to learn from.
Something I have learned from working with all kinds of people is that you never know the burden one is carrying....I recently ran into an old patient of mine that I hadn't seen before I got married. She excitedly greeted me saying, "Congratulations is in order!" and when I asked her why she said, "Well, you got married since I last saw you" and I certainly had but she had no idea I had also become a widow since she last saw me as well....and I walked away, not telling her that part....but it stung...and reminded me that what you say to others matters....always. It doesn't matter if you're a Christian, Atheist, or otherwise....it's about being a kind person. It's easy to take things out on other people...and believe me, people tell me all the time that they would understand if i did.....but at what cost? Only God truly knows this pain.
We each have our own story....and, in writing this, maybe I do know something--I know that it is important to acknowledge that story in ourselves and in others who we may or may not know. I am challenging myself, and perhaps you will as well, to treat people better.....it will only pay back in more love....so I think it's worth all the time I can give. Love is a beautiful thing.
.Ten Months.
Ten months.....that brings us into the double digits. Sometimes, it still feels like yesterday--well, to be honest, a lot lately. I've been confronting the past as of late....the moments, the conversations, the texts throughout the day....the missing those things....the everything. Nothing seems to change the degree of devastation at times....and other times, i feel like I'm on my way. Truthfully, things still change each day. some people think it's been ten months so I should be just fine....but, for me, it's only been ten months.
I still walk around wondering where to go from here and I still try to put the pieces back together...and even though I try every day-some days are more successful than others. I have done well learning to take time for myself and also living in the moment. The here and now are all I can change...the past is in the past and while I don't like it--I can't change it.
I've found myself missing Chris a lot lately...more since my anniversary. It kind of sent me into a funk...and while I am hopeful I'll be on the other end of it soon--I just don't know when or how to go up from here. Grieving provides quite the crazy cycle....I don't know that you're ever out of the grieving process. I think you can get through it, but you always go back to some parts.
It's all about learning to live again. Some days are better than others....but other days are pretty good and the hope fills your sails again and you believe that you can make it. You see yourself making decisions you didn't think you could make on your own and carrying love with you every day in your heart.
It's still one day at a time most of the time...but that's okay....I'm doing my best to put the life back in my living and sometimes trying is the best you can do....even ten months later.
I still walk around wondering where to go from here and I still try to put the pieces back together...and even though I try every day-some days are more successful than others. I have done well learning to take time for myself and also living in the moment. The here and now are all I can change...the past is in the past and while I don't like it--I can't change it.
I've found myself missing Chris a lot lately...more since my anniversary. It kind of sent me into a funk...and while I am hopeful I'll be on the other end of it soon--I just don't know when or how to go up from here. Grieving provides quite the crazy cycle....I don't know that you're ever out of the grieving process. I think you can get through it, but you always go back to some parts.
It's all about learning to live again. Some days are better than others....but other days are pretty good and the hope fills your sails again and you believe that you can make it. You see yourself making decisions you didn't think you could make on your own and carrying love with you every day in your heart.
It's still one day at a time most of the time...but that's okay....I'm doing my best to put the life back in my living and sometimes trying is the best you can do....even ten months later.
.Love Is Patient.
Feels like home. That was our wedding song. It's that safe, unconditional love that you never knew you were missing out on until it showed up and filled your life with it's beauty. It's what I've been searching for, longing for, and missing for the last nearly ten months....and it's nothing you can buy or build or put together....it's something you find when the right person comes along and changes your life for the rest of your life.
My two year anniversary is finally here. For some reason I almost thought time would stop and I wouldn't have to go through it just yet. Just as I find myself having better days, the hard ones come all too quickly.
It's this great paradox. Two years. Just Two. Cheated and Blessed. Happy and Sad. Joyful and Angry. Nostalgic and Bitter. Thankful and Jealous. If you ask me what I feel--it's not just one of these things, it's both. That's the craziest part...that you CAN be both at the very same time and that it's completely okay to throw all of it up in the air and just take it one minute at a time if you have to.
This day is different than any holiday or other special days thus far. This day was one we picked, planned for, and took a five hour nap recovering from on our honeymoon. We made this beautiful day and we spent last year marveling at all the challenges and joys our first year of marriage brought. We spent it making dinner at home, wrapped up on the couch, dreaming, mapping out our lives....our five year plan...and where we wanted to retire. The places to see....the 2.5 kids who would run our lives. All the things we never imagined wouldn't happen...all the things we were preparing for.
And...in an instant..."home" would become a feeling I can only now remember...and miss every single day....but if you asked me if I'd do it all over again if I knew then what the outcome would be...my answer every single time would be yes....so now I will patiently wait until it's my turn to see him again.
It was a snowy day in April when I married my best friend. Truth be told, I read vows that were way too long, I overthought every detail, I agonized over favors, food choices, and napkin colors. I had the most ridiculous argument over a ribbon punch. I cried at bumps in the road that felt like the end of the world (and they weren't) I made my best friends fluff pew bows and hang them ever so perfectly on every other pew and watched as our fantastic groomsmen tried to figure out how to decorate a church with tulle......and in the grand scheme, none of that really mattered....in the end, it was just us and God....and here we are, two years later....just us and God.
My two year anniversary is finally here. For some reason I almost thought time would stop and I wouldn't have to go through it just yet. Just as I find myself having better days, the hard ones come all too quickly.
It's this great paradox. Two years. Just Two. Cheated and Blessed. Happy and Sad. Joyful and Angry. Nostalgic and Bitter. Thankful and Jealous. If you ask me what I feel--it's not just one of these things, it's both. That's the craziest part...that you CAN be both at the very same time and that it's completely okay to throw all of it up in the air and just take it one minute at a time if you have to.
This day is different than any holiday or other special days thus far. This day was one we picked, planned for, and took a five hour nap recovering from on our honeymoon. We made this beautiful day and we spent last year marveling at all the challenges and joys our first year of marriage brought. We spent it making dinner at home, wrapped up on the couch, dreaming, mapping out our lives....our five year plan...and where we wanted to retire. The places to see....the 2.5 kids who would run our lives. All the things we never imagined wouldn't happen...all the things we were preparing for.
And...in an instant..."home" would become a feeling I can only now remember...and miss every single day....but if you asked me if I'd do it all over again if I knew then what the outcome would be...my answer every single time would be yes....so now I will patiently wait until it's my turn to see him again.
It was a snowy day in April when I married my best friend. Truth be told, I read vows that were way too long, I overthought every detail, I agonized over favors, food choices, and napkin colors. I had the most ridiculous argument over a ribbon punch. I cried at bumps in the road that felt like the end of the world (and they weren't) I made my best friends fluff pew bows and hang them ever so perfectly on every other pew and watched as our fantastic groomsmen tried to figure out how to decorate a church with tulle......and in the grand scheme, none of that really mattered....in the end, it was just us and God....and here we are, two years later....just us and God.
.Nine Months.
Nine months has come seemingly fast. It has been a bit of a change in the last month. I've really felt a bit more myself. I think a lot of it is the weather--it definitely has done a lot for my mood...but, on the flip side, I think a lot of it is truly beginning to put myself back together. I've made a lot of changes, albeit good and scary, and I'm ready to tackle another huge challenge. Some call it distraction. I call it starting over.
The changes between eight and nine months have been monumental for me. I'm switching jobs....a bittersweet decision. Chris carried our insurance and after dislocating my shoulder and seeing true medical expenses I had not expected, it became a necessity to go back to a group health plan. This was a hard decision, one I wish I had Chris here to help talk it through with. he always did the listening and the nodding and the assuring that yes, Olivia, we would always be okay. He was quick to remind me that we have each other so, even if we lived in a cardboard box, we'd at least have love. I was quick to remind him that a cardboard box surely couldn't house our dog and cats and he was quick to remind me of leashes and various other techniques in which to keep them close by....and that they do make igloo looking dog houses where maya could live and be comfortable. He always had an answer...and a way to make me laugh, even in the thick of it.
I wish I could explain how much I miss him to you. It is deep and quite unending....it's the quietness right before I fell asleep where my head would rest gently on his chest that I miss the most. That safeness. The one thing I have done most for myself the last nine months. Protect. my heart. my feelings. all i have left of everything he was and everything we were.
At nine months I've found the true beauty in preserving....and the true appreciation in the hand written notes, the phrase he recorded in a picture frame, our wedding videos, any videos, and everything that came from his very heart. I've spent a lot of time this month going through those very things...sifting...keeping...letting go of....and doing a lot of preservation of memories so that my heart may never forget the many gifts Chris gives me each day.
In between nine and ten months, our two year anniversary falls. This day will be hard. It is the one day I own all to myself. It would have been 2 years this year...that is the wood anniversary....i'm not sure what he would have come up with but at this point, he would have been telling me he has no idea what to get me and he would have asked me for ideas to which i likely would have responded i don't know but i'm sure i'll like whatever you choose. Those are the moments I miss the most. the normal, routine, mundane moments where we sat in our pajamas talking about our day and vacations we want to take and the life we were building.
Nine months later and it is the little things I miss the most. nothing extra special. just how he smelled just after a shower. how he asked me for lotions for his dry hands but definitely unscented because he didn't want to smell like a girl. how he sang in the shower. how he kissed me every morning before he left for work and did it ever so gently so he wouldn't wake me. how he made the bed. how he loved me and told me very day. and just, simply, how he lived.
The changes between eight and nine months have been monumental for me. I'm switching jobs....a bittersweet decision. Chris carried our insurance and after dislocating my shoulder and seeing true medical expenses I had not expected, it became a necessity to go back to a group health plan. This was a hard decision, one I wish I had Chris here to help talk it through with. he always did the listening and the nodding and the assuring that yes, Olivia, we would always be okay. He was quick to remind me that we have each other so, even if we lived in a cardboard box, we'd at least have love. I was quick to remind him that a cardboard box surely couldn't house our dog and cats and he was quick to remind me of leashes and various other techniques in which to keep them close by....and that they do make igloo looking dog houses where maya could live and be comfortable. He always had an answer...and a way to make me laugh, even in the thick of it.
I wish I could explain how much I miss him to you. It is deep and quite unending....it's the quietness right before I fell asleep where my head would rest gently on his chest that I miss the most. That safeness. The one thing I have done most for myself the last nine months. Protect. my heart. my feelings. all i have left of everything he was and everything we were.
At nine months I've found the true beauty in preserving....and the true appreciation in the hand written notes, the phrase he recorded in a picture frame, our wedding videos, any videos, and everything that came from his very heart. I've spent a lot of time this month going through those very things...sifting...keeping...letting go of....and doing a lot of preservation of memories so that my heart may never forget the many gifts Chris gives me each day.
In between nine and ten months, our two year anniversary falls. This day will be hard. It is the one day I own all to myself. It would have been 2 years this year...that is the wood anniversary....i'm not sure what he would have come up with but at this point, he would have been telling me he has no idea what to get me and he would have asked me for ideas to which i likely would have responded i don't know but i'm sure i'll like whatever you choose. Those are the moments I miss the most. the normal, routine, mundane moments where we sat in our pajamas talking about our day and vacations we want to take and the life we were building.
Nine months later and it is the little things I miss the most. nothing extra special. just how he smelled just after a shower. how he asked me for lotions for his dry hands but definitely unscented because he didn't want to smell like a girl. how he sang in the shower. how he kissed me every morning before he left for work and did it ever so gently so he wouldn't wake me. how he made the bed. how he loved me and told me very day. and just, simply, how he lived.
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