restless

Ahhh, Christmas....we meet again. I am somewhere between numb and unsure...mostly, unsure. I got through most of today with my brave face but, if we're being honest, I'm tired...really tired. I don't know how to "do" this exactly....I'm still finding my footing...three years later. I haven't cried, I haven't sobbed...I've just been sitting here....a bit numb and completely unsure. I know the waves are going to hit...I just am not sure when...so I'm just waiting....holding out and waiting.

I should be editing photos but my mind is wandering. like crazy. thinking about this year and all of the things I thought I would have accomplished. I am vowing for a more balanced 2013. I am still unsure on how to get there.

Trying to wrangle these feelings is proving to be harder than I thought. I'm posting my Christmas card on Facebook. seriously. in between skipping songs on pandora and trying to find my center. i keep watching my phone like it will blow up with a thousand people checking on me...but they aren't. in fact, my best friends haven't even checked. i think that's the hardest part. that 'alone' feeling where the rest of life has moved on but you're still a step behind....maybe even a few steps when the hard days come...and while a hundred other things and people circle around you, sometimes you just have to bring the walls down and let it all come. sometimes you just have to let it consume you...not because you want it but because it needs to before you can let it all go.

while i am certain that this feeling will not last forever or even for very long, i am also sure that there is little in my heart that feels like home anymore....or that really resembles it.

i fear that there are pieces of me that are still lost. i also fear there are pieces i'm holding on to that i should truly let go of....because i am scared that good love won't happen twice...that it couldn't happen for me again...and here I am, just holding on but I'm not quite sure for how long or when I will just let go and trust that I can and will fly. I thought I was there...so certain...but I wasn't and I'm still hanging on by a thread.

so, for now....i am going to do something with this restless heart. i am completely uncertain as to what but i'm going to try.

.my heart.

six years ago today we got in the biggest fight ever. i was upset. so was he. we argued about getting married, not getting married, and he kept telling me i just needed to be patient. definitely not my strong suit. we had plans with friends that night. i didn't want to go. he said i had to so i got ready and went.

the car ride was silent. i pretended to sleep. he pretended i was sleeping. 

we both said things we shouldn't have. i'm not going to lie-we were not perfect in the slightest. i over reacted. he was always so calm when i was angry. 

dinner felt so forced. we smiled and talked and i laughed and joked and put on my happy face. i was still reeling.

on the drive to the concert, he apologized. he gave me this sappy sweet speech and i felt my heart sink into my stomach--you know, the moment when you just don't want to be mad anymore so you're not..and while my eyes were still puffy, i decided that he was worth the fight, the wait, and i would stop wondering why he took me ring shopping 2 months ago. i would just let it go. i would decide to just be happy instead of wondering if and when he was going to get down on one knee. he knew it was gnawing at me....that he took me 8 places and had me pick out 6 different rings. so, i stopped. i decided that i was going to enjoy the night out with my boyfriend and our friends. i wasn't going to wonder or over think. i was just going to live.

i left that night with my fiancée.

in the middle of martina mcbride singing Christmas carols, he got down on one knee and pulled out the most beautiful ring I'd ever seen...that I also never picked out. after he told me some of the most genuine things i'd ever heard, i said yes....called my dad at intermission, my best friend, everyone i could think of that i could get to in 15 minutes and, excitedly, i showed our friends this glittering and sparkling gem that just found a home on my left hand. 

gosh. i remember it so vividly. the people around us. the moment. what he said. all the planning i was getting ready to do. it was my most favorite thing.

so, today, is a hard day for me. the holidays are harder. we had some of the best and most beautiful Christmas traditions and memories. it hasn't been the same since he's been gone. 

i had no idea where our journey would go and that i'd have him for just a short time but i would say yes today, yesterday, and every other day, even knowing where we are now. 

it's amazing how life has shifted. i no longer am 18 looking for a knight in shining armor. i am a bit more realistic and grown up at this point. my heart is open and i am ready when God is....but, for today, I am ever so thankful for the man who showed up on his white horse and gave me his entire heart without reservation. 

and, even more than that, i miss him.

so much. 

1,095

I will forever mark time by this day. I came here on the 24th of every month for the first year to mark progress so because it is what I know, it is only fitting to be here again.

Sometimes it seems like forever since then and other moments, like it was just yesterday. This week has been difficult...I found myself in bed by 7:30 just a couple of days ago because I was sick of hurting and just wanted it all to go away. In the last week, I have laughed and cried and remembered him in ways I never imagined I could without feeling guilty for having moved forward. I have watched my wedding videos, remembered those promises that we exchanged and reminded myself I am not the only one who has ever lost or will ever lose their spouse too young. But really, I just miss him. I miss him with all I've got. I wish there was some profound way of saying that but there just isn't.

For the last three years I have rearranged dreams, plans and a life that we so loved and I have listened to our beloved Maya cry and howl at the sound of an ambulance each time one passes by. I have stared at photos of a time when I was so happy and wondered who that girl in that frame is. I have clung tightly to every moment, every memory, every little piece that I have had left knowing there is nothing tangible that can bring me comfort on a day like this--not a hug in a box or a kiss in a jar--my most favorite things are only in my heart.

In the last three years I have traveled, opened my heart and eyes to more things than I ever imagined, tried my hand at finding love again, started a business on the fact that life is short and you better do what you love while you have the chance, taken leaps of faith, volunteered, worn my heart on the outside, and continuously put one foot in front of the other. I have carried this amazing man's memory with me every single day and could not ever imagine that this year would bring me to 1095 days without him. 

I have come such a long way but this is only my third June 24th...and I still miss him like crazy. I am reminded by this day that there is not a single thing I have to complain about. I had a husband who loved and adored me for a variety of reasons and losing him was the hardest and most leveling experience of my short life....suddenly I found myself building a foundation on rock bottom and hoping it would hold and here I am living proof that you can start over. I have laughed again and found joy and happiness in the simplest of pleasures. I have learned to enjoy my own company and have lately enjoyed dinners at a table for one at my favorite spots, movies on my own, and various other excursions where I had always been too uncomfortable to go alone. I have found that so much of me is because of this man and so much of who I am has been shaped by the loss of his beautiful life. 

In the last three years, I have lost friends but the few steady and strong remain and I am so thankful for the way those friendships have strengthened. I have been blessed to have a family who has cared for me and taken care of me in a way I can only describe as unconditional love and I am so grateful. I have met new people, made new friendships and I've seen just how much care and compassion there still is in this world. 

I don't know much about life but I know a bit about living and I write this with a heavy but gracious heart tonight. There are defining moments in each of our lives and it all comes down to what we do with what we've got. I am thankful I have had the space to take this journey at my own pace and so grateful for the love that has been with me the entire way. 

And, finally, to my Christopher--there is never a single day I do not think of you. Today, I will remember your laugh, curly hair, hazelish eyes, and your amazing heart. If I knew then what I know now, I would still say "yes"....I would still promise with "I do" and I would still give you my heart...without any hesitation at all. I miss you.....I miss my very best friend....the one who knew always what I needed before I did and laughed at my jokes even when they weren't that funny. I miss your singing....I miss your laughter....and a hundred other things. I love you, Monkey....from here to the moon. Until we meet again...

.Educated Guesses.

It's been a whole seven days since I woke up and cried into Maya's fur....one whole week since he walked away...and for a whole week I've wondered what he's doing, if he's okay, if he's thought of me, and if he even knows that I exist.


People have asked me if I'm heartbroken and while I'm sad-it's all relative. I buried my husband. That's heart breaking. This....well, this is just par for the course in starting over, I suppose--or at least, that's what I tell myself. I wonder how I got so attached and how he couldn't see the love I had to offer....but I also think that I did everything I could...sometimes, your timing is just off. 


I think, in general, people are scared of loving someone....or maybe of love in general. What if it doesn't work and you get your heart broken and you're stuck starting over again....but then, what if you don't? It's so easy to let fear drive us--we stay on the safe side because it's what we know and we find ourselves stable and stuck in what is easy instead of pushing ourselves for what is hard. I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be and I am scared too...of getting hurt....of giving my heart away....of trying again....but I refused to let those fears and insecurities drive me. At the end of the day, we were not meant to be alone. God did not just make Adam or Eve....he made both-as partners. 


Being alone has it's place and it is important to prove to yourself that you can exist entirely on your own....but it isn't everything....to be self sufficient is sometimes just enough. Sometimes you have to let something take you off balance in order to find your balance....sometimes you have to just have faith that God wouldn't bring someone into your life if you weren't intended to meet them. 


I am still trying to find the lesson--maybe it's that I am seeing myself as finally ready to put it all out there again...or maybe the lesson comes later. I'm not so sure....maybe I just need to wait and see. 


I don't know much about life...but I know about living and I know that denying love because you're scared won't get you where you want to go....and sometimes it takes another person to help you see who you are. I only wish he could have seen that before he walked away or that I would have known then how to show him  just how beautiful good love can be....but sometimes, you just do what you know and hope for the best and really, isn't that all any of us can do? We just keep making educated guesses in hopes that one day it all makes sense and it will, at least, I believe that it will....not because I have to believe that, but because I trust His plan. 

Keep the faith.

I believe in starting over. If I didnt, well, I wouldn't have made it this far. 


I am exhausted today. I have felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time and can't process them all at once. Losing my grandma today set off what feels like a thousand triggers. She is the first person I've lost since Chris that was close enough for me to feel the impact of the tremors...almost like an earthquake. After I said goodbye on Tuesday, I came home and put in my wedding videos and got lost in translation for what seemed like an eternity. I know that God has created our hearts to heal but, in healing, I don't remember things like I used to. I don't remember his laugh or the way his eyes lit up when he smiled....how he always thought I was much funnier than I actually am...how he always knew just what to say....how he balanced my heart without even knowing....and the moments I need those very things, he is another universe away.


You see, I've determined that if I remembered everything, I would live in the past completely so I am understanding the purpose in it...I just wish that in these, my weakest moments, there was more clarity than I have....anything definite...anything that remotely makes my heart feel like it isn't going to fall apart again....and so, I wait out the storm--like any person in a crisis, I am unsure of when the tide will turn and when these waves will stop crashing over me....but I am trying to see all of the good things and the many characteristics of myself that are resilient and redeeming. My heart has bounced back from so much and I have so bravely gone for everything I've wanted....but it isn't exactly easy for me to be the catalyst. Sometimes, I just want to be the one who gets to sit back and take it all in...but I'm learning that I wasn't made for that. At some point, you just find yourself breathing and laughing and doing all of the necessary things to get through the days and the moments....you reach out to the few people you trust and mostly you just tell people you're okay and you don't disclose anything major....just keep on swimming, right? 


I find that I am learning to be patient, although it is hard....but mostly, I'm learning that God has placed a lot of responsibility on my shoulders for a reason that I don't yet understand. I have come a long way....but there are always bumps and bruises...and just when you think you've got it figured out, something else comes your way that throws you off. 


For tonight, as uncertain as I am today, I am hopeful that I will see my own strength and see the beauty in the many ways I've begun again...started over...and kept on believing. 

Foggy.

There are days and moments when I have to remember that I am enough. Today is one of those very days and moments.

For the first time in a really long time, I let a boy into my life. He came in softly, nothing too hurried, and surprised me. I remember his handshake the first time I had met him...that it felt like a hug...and that I needed to know him. I, thankfully, knew his mom and-long story short-I gave it a shot in the dark that he would want to get to know me. I spent my time enjoying the phone calls and here and there texts and a day spent talking and laughing by the lighthouse....we had a great time. He gave me every indication that we were headed in some sort of direction but I soon found out he had a wife-his job. I hung in there....tried to get him to see that there was more to life than work and that your work wouldn't bring you soup when you're sick or comfort you when you're sad....but he couldn't balance...and here I am, unsure of what is next. He hasn't said he's out or walked away but I've reached several times only to find myself empty handed and the rejection is something I am trying not to let eat me from the inside out. Everyone says it's his loss...and while I believe it for a moment, it isn't long enough to convince myself of it fully.

I had finally opened myself up to the idea of someone else again...given him enough time to make me laugh and giggle and now I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea of hanging on or letting go....I could keep hanging, but I'm not entirely sure for what....his priorities are so top heavy with work that I could never compete. It's not as if a girl and work are even in the same category--put me next to another woman and I could maybe fake my way through it but I can't compete with the one thing that has brought him comfort since his traumatic losses. My head says I need to let it go because it's not doing any good for me but my heart...see, that's the problem--it's attached to the knowledge that something good could come of this....that he might surprise me...and it's taking everything in me not to text him or pick up the phone...and then, I wonder how I ever let myself like someone so much.

I wish I knew all of the things I should do but the only thing I know is that he's great and has so much to offer but I can't keep on holding on to what might as well be nothing. I am hoping for distractions and some kind of clarity....because right now, everything is just so foggy and nothing quite makes sense at all. ahhh, sounds a lot like dating.

30,240 minutes.

Have you ever stood back and just looked at everything around you? I have. Sometimes by choice but a lot of the times because God has forced me to take a step back and slow down. You know those commercials where the person is standing in the middle of a crowded street and the traffic is flying by them--neon lights, and you're just paused...that's kind of how it feels for me. 

I was sitting here editing, as usual for a night at home, and suddenly my phone rang. I usually don't answer when I don't know the number but I did tonight and the voice on the other end was that of a strong, brave woman contacting me to take her family's last photos with her husband who is losing his battle with cancer. Immediately, my heart dropped and I knew I had to be brave for her. We chit chatted which is so obviously awkward but I did my best to ease her worries and promised she'd literally have to get them ready and I would do the rest when they came....it was then that she shared they have two small children....3 and 7...and a dog--we musn't forget the dog. Time frame? Three weeks. 

Three weeks. 21 days. 504 hours. 30,240 minutes. 

Process that for a moment. Three weeks isn't long enough to see the world, buy your daughter her first prom dress, teach your son how to hunt, fish, and play football. It isn't long enough to equip your spouse with all they need for every bill, scraped knee, car repair, or home improvement. There aren't enough hugs and kisses, heartfelt conversations, or even tears to stitch together the void that, while you can anticipate it...until you're in it, you won't have any idea how it feels. 

My heart broke for this family....when I asked how she heard of me she told me quite simply, she loved my work and had followed me on facebook for quite a while but more than that she knew my story--that I survived and that I know more than anyone else the moments I miss the most. She said she chose me because I am a survivor...and because I have known what it's like to lose the love of my life. 

I had always known that this dream of mine was a gift but not until today did I realize the magnitude of myself in it. I have always just seen it as a passion and dream and something I'm good at by the grace of God and while I pour my heart into it, I had never considered that the broken parts of myself are also what allows me to capture the moments you will hang on your wall for all of time. I had never considered that my own story...my own heart breaks would make someone choose me....because my heart has known sorrow. 

We talked some more....and I hung up the phone and felt the tears come. I cannot tell you whether or not I would have wanted to know that Chris was going to die. I can tell you that two weeks from tomorrow would have been our fourth wedding anniversary and if I had known then what I know now, the only thing I would have done differently is danced longer.

I would have never considered that nearly three years from the day I lost my best friend I would be consoling another woman headed in my same direction...in fact, I would have told you that I wouldn't be capable or worthy of that very sentiment...and I certainly couldn't have imagined that I would be a small fraction of her story in the moments she is trying so hard to cling to. 

All I know is sometimes someone needs and chooses you because of where you've been and because of who you are....and sometimes they just need to know you did survive...you still smile...and your heart is still beating...but mostly, every single human being just wants to know they are not alone. 

So, I will meet this family tomorrow and we will laugh and maybe we'll cry...but, mostly, we'll live because for an hour or so, life will stand still in those images and, years from now, they won't remember the bad parts--they'll feel the love and every beautiful moment in their story...that, my friends, is the most beautiful thing--the good does outweigh the bad...every single time. 

Love always wins.

Random Acts of Kindness

I feel like I'm a good person....ha, isn't that a great way to start a blog....good, though...not great, but always striving. I am relatively nice and try to see the good in everyone, even when it's difficult....but I have my moments of frustration and clear rudeness but I give effort every day in being better...


That was what I would have told you before I started Random Acts of Kindness for Lent....I now realize just how much I have had to learn. I've spent the last couple of weeks since Ash Wednesday filling my mailbox with brownies for my mailman, paying for the person behind me in the drive-thru line, sending flowers to random people-some of which I don't even know, sending cards to random people in the phone book, bringing goodies to the fire station, leaving post it's in the bathrooms of NYC with positive affirmations, and even giving away photo sessions....all of these things have filled my heart in so many different ways but Saturday, I got to witness the actual gift in the giving and it has changed the way I viewed this challenge midstream...in a way that I had never dreamed.


I always strive to be the photographer who would be known, not just for the images, but for who I am when we're together--that, for a brief moment I am a part of your life and I see you just as you are....sure I move your arms here and your feet there, but I see you as entirely good--I know nothing else about you and have no preconceived notions...and it shows in every frame I take. I laugh with you-either you love me or you hate me and, regardless, I am better for each session. I have always wanted to be more than just a girl who photographs people--I want to the person you recommend to your friends because she loved your kids through the tantrum or the faces or the inability to cooperate...I wanted to be seen, too.


Saturday morning I woke up early, grabbed some cereal and began to look outside at the snow...my neighbor's snow blower broke so he came to borrow mine--at first, I was clear that it alone was my random act of kindness for the day...then I realized I would have done that anyway. I wanted to make today extra special. I had families and people waiting all year for snow photos and here was my rare chance to capture six heavy inches before it melted. The idea popped into my head and quickly I shooed it away thinking no one would actually participate or I could go get a pedicure during that time instead...then, I remembered something my mom always told me, "If your heart feels it, you can't deny it-just go for it" The result of my heart that day were breathtaking.


I stood in the middle of the snow as people were waiting under a pavilion, building snowmen, meeting new friends, playing with everyone's kids, having snow ball fights, and living in the moments...or, as I often think of it-chasing the daylight. I met each new face with an open heart and got more out of that hour and a half than I have in a very long time. While it has been truly wonderful not to have witnessed the receivers of all of those other acts of kindness and just to know I've given of my own heart and will, there was something so beautiful to see a group of strangers bond over snowmen, snow pants, and high heeled boots trekking through the snow. To watch each of them wait patiently and love each other's children...such a sight...and I have favorite moments of each of their sessions...like the hats those sweet Knapp boys wore....and the fact that I could not remember who was Logan or Mason....sweet Izzy who somehow plopped herself in the snow and couldn't quite manage to move properly...two sets of twins....Sydney's fierce faces.....Jordan's intense and moving love for his mother...mowhawk hats and three C's....a sweet pixie in the white snow....two boys loving on their mama and their dog....and a mom who let her son be a little boy and eat whatever snow he wanted. 


Anyway, I left that Saturday afternoon knowing those people had impacted my heart. I thought, that morning, that I didn't NEED to go beyond allowing Mr. Wilson to use my snow blower but it turns out I did NEED that. Giving always makes me feel so good and I've not spent enough time doing it and to bear witness to the impression it can leave on another soul is the whole reason I do what I do. I need to make these random acts of kindness a part of my very soul--more than just the nice things I do for people--I should never go days without being kind or helping another.


Those sessions were not earth shattering....in fact, they likely will not change anyone's life but they changed mine....made me realize and so thankful to have been raised by such giving and amazing parents who always gave to my brother and I before themselves and still do...every day. I am learning that being kind is so different from being nice....take some today, pay it forward....I can promise you that it will bring you more joy than you had ever imagined.....


And, finally, to those very families who showed up on Saturday--thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for bringing a piece of myself back that had missing....thank you....

Keep Calm And...

I am finding myself more okay day by day...It's been over a month since I last wrote of my struggles and overwhelming sense of feeling lost...and so much has happened since then. I'd like to think that I've come to terms and to peace with the many ways my relationships have changed and also with the new spaces they currently occupy in my heart. I am learning to love myself fully, for all that I am. I have stuff to work on, but who doesn't...things I'm not proud of, spaces that still hurt, and losses that feel wider than the ocean...but I'm here, living and some days that has to be enough. 


I spent the weekend doing some spring cleaning....parting with things, letting things go....finding boxes and things I had forgotten were there....and I stumbled across Chris' cell phone....of course, it was like a train wreck-you don't want to look but you can't help but stare--and as I turned it on, thinking it wouldn't even get past the welcome screen--this battery hasn't been charged in almost three years--and then I saw the background, a photo of us with the words "True love never fades" and I clicked the menu button, spent hours scrolling through the 500+ texts that this Motorola Razor still held and never once did it turn off...never flickered, nothing. I was comforted and reminded in so many different ways--a week or so ago I laid in bed unable to fall asleep just praying that I could hear his voice and as hard as I tried, it was faint. I remembered the way his laugh sounded but not his voice--sounds crazy, I know...but I just couldn't wrap my ears around that sweet sound. I knew I could have watched our wedding videos but, to be honest, the thought made tears well in my eyes....so instead, I just closed my eyes and remembered his laughter the best way that I could...until I found this phone and the way he even put sentences together in a text brought back his voice, his laughter, and the many memories I have of our beautiful life. Keep calm and walk on...


I kept digging through things, letting go of the many notes he had written about what tv shows he needed to record (if you know him--this was his Sunday ritual), finding photos I had tucked away to protect myself in those first few months, and embracing the fact that all of this stuff was just stuff--none of it would bring back his hug or fill his clothes ever so perfectly...absolutely none of it. In the midst of all of this finding of things I reflected on another piece of him that I have been holding on to for so long--his beloved Mustang. Last week I drove it for most of the week as my car was on loan and it was probably one of the most healing moments I've had in a very long time. This car was Chris' dream car....he LOVED every bit about that convertible...loved it so much that when he died, I couldn't imagine parting with it. As I sunk in the seat of the car I had never loved, I remembered the countless times I would complain about how the seats sat so far back and how expensive the tires were and how low it was to the ground....and every time I had thought of selling it, I justified it by saying it was his dream car--I couldn't possibly sell his favorite material possession--but so clearly, it is time. Holding on to that car won't bring him back any more than the totes full of clothes and various other favorite things. For the first time I drove that car as if it was mine, not his....and it changed so much of me. We still have memories in that car but we can't make any new ones in it...time to let go...to move on....because that car was never mine to begin with--not my dream, not even our dream. Keep calm and carry on...


Sunday evening I was driving home from my best friend's house....and my prayer was for a sign--perhaps that I was going in the right direction...and maybe even more, that I was doing the right things--mostly for the validation I so often seek from the man who changed my whole life because when you lose the love of your life you hope, more than anything, that you've just done right by them...even now. I continued that prayer for much of the night, among many others and whatever was on my heart...and woke up Monday morning feeling rested and mostly content--in fact, I only prayed thanksgiving on Monday after feeling like it was not my place to be asking for a sign when so many others have such needs. I left EDGE last night to three texts and four missed calls from my neighbor. I got in my car, frantic--maybe my house burned down, my dogs escaped, or something traumatic happened....and she, so sweetly, asked me if I was missing something. Dumbfounded, I replied--nope. We share the garbage and since Tuesday is garbage day she was calling to tell me consolidated some things and found something she didn't think I meant to throw away. I had gone through everything on the curb--in fact, my dad also went through it with me...of course, I thought Sheila was crazy and couldn't have found anything of value. She assured me I wouldn't want to throw it out and would leave it for me in my mailbox today. Of course, I went to pick up my mail tonight and inside was a white case...a sunglasses case...immediately, my heart began to skip and skip and skip....and I opened it to find a pair of Oakley sunglasses that one of my best friends had given me on my wedding day, engraved with "Mrs. Brey" on the lens. I have been looking for these glasses for over a year....I knew they were in my house somewhere but I couldn't find them....and I have no idea how they got themselves into the trash--I can say with all certainty that I did not put them there...but I had them in my hands...placed them on my face and could only feel a wave of comfort wash over me...this was, in fact, my sign. 

I am listing my house this year...it is time. This house has served well for me--sheltered me, housed so many different dreams for so many different times, held me in the moments I was so uncertain, welcomed friends for short and extended stays, and I have outgrown it...and that is okay...my heart is ready. I am completely unsure of where God is leading me, just that I'm doing okay and I'm on my way...and sometimes, that has to be enough.


Keep calm and move on.....