.Weird.

You know that moment where things just got weird.....the point where you just can't erase the turning point from your memory....yep....I'm there. I'm good at weird usually--in fact, I can play it off pretty well--but it gnaws at my heart for hours and days. 

That's the thing about hearts and feelings....they get tangled....and then we get lost in translation. It's like you're trying quickly to get out the dictionary for this other language to look it all up word by word but you can't keep up....and before you know it, you're in this jumbled mess with little time to make the words into sentences. Lost. Unsure. Stuck. Confused. So here I am, climbing my way out from under the mountain of feelings and emotions and hoping that somewhere along the way I'll realize just how everything got so weird. How it got to this point. Or maybe I'll finally realize that it's just not even worth the hours or days following to worry or think about it. That's really the point I hope to get to with everything that just got weird. Work weird. Life weird. Just plain weird. Then again, there is little in my life that didn't get messy at some point. I think that's just how I operate--I'm getting good at cleaning up messes.

Cleaning isn't my favorite thing....I like neat and organized but nothing stays that way forever. Even the things we don't touch collect dust and need to be tended to. Even the smallest of things need to be cared for....and the biggest of things need to be dealt with, cared for, and tended to. Nothing in this life is ever perfect....even that which appears to be is often the furthest from it....but we all need to learn that on our own sometimes. Maybe it's okay that there are those weird moments--I think it means we're living....sometimes unsure of where we'll step or end up but we're still living...and maybe that's just enough.

So, here's to the parts where things just got weird.....mostly, here's to hoping that they get back on track soon.

And, if you're trying to figure out what this is about--don't....it is what it is :)

.Jumper.

I get caught inside my own head too much. Some people say it's because I care too much. Some people think I'm crazy. I'd like to think I'm in between...you know, caring and crazy....but here I am, stuck, just wanting to turn off these crazy feelings that are circling in my head and heart....and let me tell you, it is no easy task to turn away from that which you want most with your whole heart....but at times, it is necessary...and healthy to do so. Sometimes you just have to know your limits and set your own boundaries....Sometimes you just need to know where you stand with yourself. Tough, but true. 

My heart is tired....my self is unsure....and I wonder all too often where these puzzle pieces might connect....but I also realize nothing is certain....nothing comes easy...and it's all about the getting there. That's where faith comes in....that I do not journey alone and that whatever comes my way I can handle.

So, this is me.....leaping....and hoping I reach the other side with little damage....no helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, or random pillows. all of me hoping for the strength to walk away....and be better for it.

.Today.

Sometimes it's not about where we're going....it's about where we are. I find myself so consumed with my next step, the thousand things I need to do and get done, the next year or five years, where I see myself, and a million other what if's that I miss the presence of each day. Everyone teaches you to dream big and with that we spend all these minutes and hours envisioning the specifics of our lives. We miss the little miracles and blessings that occur when we allow ourselves to just live in the moment. If you had just today left in your life, what would you do?

Isn't that a crazy thought--if you knew that today was your only day, what would you do? I would sleep in a little....take my dogs for a brisk walk that would turn into a run...I'd listen to the sounds, take in the smells, and pray nothing but thanksgiving. I would invite my favorite people to my house for a day of fun.....they would trickle in here and there and some would stay and some would leave and inevitably, some wouldn't make it. I would tell each of them how much I love them, how each has impacted my life, and what I hope for them as they continue this journey. I would soak in each moment, some with a glass of wine and others with laughter, tears, and a whole lot of heart. I wouldn't spend my day planning the next minutes or trying to fit in every last dream on my bucket list. I'd spend it as myself--loving, living, and hoping that the best parts of me will always be remembered.

So, maybe if I spent more time appreciating exactly where I am instead of anticipating the next best move for myself I would find my heart content and happy more of the time instead of stressed, worried, and lost. It sure sounds easy but we all know that it isn't. It's human nature to get caught up in the stress of it all....because we want to be everything for everyone but I'm realizing that I need to be everything for myself first.

It's all about priorities. Sometimes they need to be rearranged, but always, they need to be in the present, for just this very moment. It sure sounds cliche but we don't know what we've got until it's gone so we can't plan for what we don't even know yet. So, for today, I'm going to spend some time living in these precious hours. Soaking it all in....being thankful....being hopeful...and always being true to myself.

.Shedding Skin.

One day at a time....that's how I still take it. One day, one step....one minute...one hour. I think it's just part of life. I'm finding myself wondering what direction I'm heading in, especially with the new year upon us. I am completely unsure of it all. I knew that these days would come--the ones where I begin to wonder what the heck I'm doing and where in the world I'm being lead. So, here they are....the ones I've been waiting for, yet still wasn't entirely prepared for.

I've been realizing that there is more "stuff" for me to sift through and let go of. Things that will require time, patience, and a lot of love....but it is necessary to shed some skin in order to keep moving forward. I have an entire rec room full of things that need to put away or stored or given to Chris' favorite people.....and a car that I think it is time to sell. Believe me, these are the hardest parts. I go back and forth with myself all the time on whether or not it's a good idea or decision but sometimes you've got to go with your heart and my heart is nudging me in a direction that is scary, uncertain, and unsure....it sure is challenging me. I'm not sure what terrain I am on....hills, peaks, valleys, winding, or finally back to the seemingly straight road. I just know that to be sure of where I am going, I must fully accept where I have been and doing that requires tying up some loose ends. 

I am not so good at the letting go part....often, I find I've held on for far too long to things I should have let go of a long time ago but that's part of the forgiving I think. Forgiving of self and others. No one is perfect and I won't ever claim to be and I make mistakes....all of the time....but I try. Some people don't think I try hard enough and some will only point out my flaws but I'm learning to accept that for what it is. Only I know my true heart and only I can know what is best for me at this point in my life....and really, isn't that all anyone can ask for? Your best that sometimes turns into your worst....but the best effort you can give. 

I know letting go of these things is going to create a whole lot of judgment and opinion....but I'm learning to let go of them....to appreciate what it is that is left and to go forward with that....which, somedays doesn't feel like much, but is much more than others have. To find the peace and blessings among everything else. You know, to accept where I've been and hope for where I'm going.