unplugged.

300+ miles. 6 photo shoots. 1 pontoon ride. 2 speed boat rides. 2 sleeps in a cottage. 1 game of cards against humanity. 1 game of catchguesstures. 2 nights of acoustic guitar. hours of laughter. zero sunshine. little rain. and my best friends all under one roof.

this is the first weekend in too long where i turned off my phone and truly disconnected myself from anything outside my three foot bubble. i didn't miss it. at all. it would go off and i'd ignore it. or i'd leave it by my bed and not even think about it. the only thing i used it for was to take pictures....and it got me thinking. how much time have i spent being connected to a 4 inch rectangle. when i was up north i wasn't thinking about facebook or my email or the dozens of different sounds it's been programmed to make so i knew which was of importance every time i hear something go off. i love the connection that it brings me to others but i also love how nice it was to not have any service and not have to be in control of every single part of my life.

it forced me to disconnect from my email and messages for my business along with checking over resume attachments for the clinic. i didn't touch my computer once. i have a giant pile of work but i allowed myself to breathe....i lived a little. and i was present. granted, it's much easier to do this when most of your favorite people are just a few rooms from you but it was so fantastic to slow down. i never allow myself the ability to do that. it's either guilt about all of the work on my desk, feeling like i need to do more and this unrealistic desire to DO EVERYTHING. ridiculous. i need to find a way to do it more and feel okay about doing it....because it's good for me.

i also had the opportunity to have one amazing conversation. one of my friends is like my brother. he and i have been through so much together....and last night we snuggled up and talked about so many things that are so very close to my heart. i haven't had one of those in too long. he reminded me of all of the things i know so well...but he does it in this genuine and loving way that only few people really know how to do....especially to get straight to this heart. he remembered with me...cried with me...and made me feel like everything i'm feeling is absolutely okay. he held me and i felt like my entire world was okay. everyone needs a friend like that. someone to help your world stop and allow you a soft space to land. the timing was perfect. as was his phone call tonight just to tell me he loves me.

it's truly amazing what roles people have in your life. i have different friends for so many different reasons. some make me laugh. some bring me comfort. every one of them brings me joy. it is rare to have so many beautiful people in my life. i know this. i see others who have nothing close...in fact, i know that each of my closest friends would be here in a heartbeat. right here. they'd rally around me and they'd hold me up until i could do it on my own. you know how i know this? because they've done it for me countless times. sometimes minor, sometimes tragic and sometimes over the most ridiculous things.

and now, i am soaking in the quiet that is my house. it feels a bit empty when i'm not surrounded by 6-14 others who fill my heart in so many different ways....but i am reminded that these weekends don't happen very often. people don't love like we do and i am beyond grateful to be loved by all of them. i am so sad it's over....yet so thankful for a weekend on a lake where we celebrated each other and our beautiful lives.

digging.

i have been doing a lot of soul searching lately....professionally and personally i have struggled in many places....and i always find that the moments when you are at a crossroads usually cause 2 responses for me....get in there and dig or run.

so, in an attempt for more....i've been digging.

it hasn't always been easy...and it has been hard. my heart physically hurts some days. those are the days when i get home and feel a bit lost and exhausted.....i also feel like there have been days, especially lately, where i have begun to think about big steps and decisions...like putting this house up for sale and donating the rest of chris' things instead of hanging on to them like a hoarder. they're just things...but they're his things...and while i don't look at them often, if at all, it is a little comforting knowing that they're just upstairs if i should need them. the beautiful part about this digging is it's made me realize i don't need them. i have him with me everywhere. it's like ee cummings said...."i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" and i believe that.

speaking of hearts, the most difficult lesson i've learned as of late is to accept and be okay with the fact that people love differently. a blog (or three) ago i let it all out about how hard it is....and you know what, it's still hard for someone like me. really hard some days. because i don't. get. it. but it's not impossible. it's perspective. i wear my heart on the outside and it's the best part of me. it doesn't mean i need to wear it less. it just means i have to be aware that other people's hearts are on the inside (technically mine is too, i am aware). i believe that understanding who people are is important....it takes a lot of compromise and care. i also believe that watching my dogs tug an old toy not made for tugging makes me laugh because any minute it will break and one of them is going to go flying. which leads to my next point.

living presently. i've made it my goal this birthday to be more present in my 29th year. i don't know if it's because 30 seems SO scary and big that it's allowed me the space to truly enjoy the minutes. my friend mike casey says, "if you focus on right now, i bet there's nowhere else you'd rather be" and he's right. i feel like i've learned that so much lately. it's why i've been working my heart out at making time for myself. every single day. carving time and minutes that will make life slow down just a little. but, in all of my digging, i have found that i am better and happier when i'm surrounded by my friends, family and the kids in my life.

and you know what?

it feels good.

i'm a better person to myself which makes me better for everyone else...and that's really an amazing feeling for me because it's validation that i'm doing everything i'm supposed to.

it also means i need to do more of it....that's the real challenge i think.

although, it becomes inherently easier to do when you feel like you're at the crossroads....because, if i'm being honest, i hate forks. they could be used as a weapon if necessary and, aside from eating, have no other use....which is why i am not a fan of forks in the road.

i am thankful for the space to learn and the ability to find what truly makes me happiest and do it. i feel like it would have been much easier to run. in fact, i know it would have, but it wouldn't have taught me a single thing. if there's anything i know, it's that there is always a lesson...but if you leave before you learn it, it's just a crappy situation.

so, if you find yourself in a position where you aren't sure if you should run or dig, i suggest digging....not because it's easy but because it makes you grow. it's dirty and there are rocks and sometimes even glass....but when you plow through all your stuff, you'll find a great big hole ready to be filled with the things YOU want and love. that may be my favorite part so far....filling it back up....with the things that make me happiest.

so, if you should find yourself needing a shovel anytime soon, i'd be happy to lend you mine.

happy friday, friends!

the wedding circuit.

i have always wanted to write a book. when i was in middle and high school, i had high hopes of being a writer, having my own column and letting my love affair with words be my sole (and soul) purpose. as i grew up, i realized that getting your own column is hard. so is having a lot of different material to work on. but i have not let go of the fact that i've wanted to write. i've used this blog to get out thoughts, feelings, etc and have, recently, thought hard about finding time to make/write a book.

you see, i'm in the wedding business. a photographer to be exact. let me set the stage. i was 24, newly married and also newly widowed, when i decided that i needed a giant distraction from the widowed part. what better way to honor my loss than to freeze time for others...something i didn't do nearly enough of in the short time i had with my husband. it made sense. so. january 4th, 2010 i applied for my business license and the rest is kind of history. i spent the better part of 2 years being a photographer who had an eye but sucked at editing unless it was black and white. anyone can pull off a black and white. yep. that was me. in those two years, people didn't think i was that bad and somehow i built a beautiful client base. many of them are still clients and i've had the beautiful opportunity to show them i now know how to edit and see their babies grow.

i was approached to do my first wedding and had absolutely no idea what to charge, how much time i was investing and, even more, just what a crazy ride i was in for. one wedding lead to two and now i have successfully shot 52 weddings. some destination, some more local and some complete chaotic messes. in those 52 saturdays (and sometimes fridays) i've come to know dj's, cake makers, photo booth experts, banquet managers, florists, designers and pinterest gurus as if we were good and close friends. recently, i photographed a wedding and said hey to the dj, chit chatted and caught up, and went to find my seat. while on my way there, my friend asked me how long i've known him. i told her not long, we just know each other through the wedding circuit. after saying it, she gave me a funny look and i explained that we are all a very different kind of people. we're magic makers. we get paid to bring out the best in these people and their guests. we are not just photographers or dj's or banquet hall managers. we are therapists, comforters, boutonniere pinners, kleenex fetchers, family-that-you-really-don't-love-distractors, comedians, veil straighteners, bobby pin experts and your everything person.

i can tell you that i've taken amazing photos. i can also tell you that i've talked brides off a ledge, sat with them, cried with them, and loved them as if they were my own sister. i've watched them cry over forgotten flowers, dresses gone bad, spilled drinks on their dress and a slew of other trivial things. i've held them, helped them to see the bigger picture and created moments for them that, after all of the dancing is over and the food is gone, will last a life time. it's truly the most challenging and rewarding position to be in.

any photographer will tell you there is so much pressure behind a wedding. these people trust you more than most of the people they've hired. bad food? most people won't notice too much. lame dj? if you've had enough to drink, anything is fun. bad photos? you can't fix that....at all. it's why i take so much care in each photo....why my lenses and gear has been chosen specifically...why every photographer is different...and why some people have magnificent photos and some do not. you have to hire someone who can be your everything person and still give you the experience and quality that you expect and need. for me, i am always saying that i need today to be my best wedding. for them. i wake up and turn on my wedding play list...get my heart in the right zone and hope for the best.

along the way, though, there have been so many stories and moments that have pushed me to really start putting my love affair with words into a concrete form. so, here it is, my declaration that i'm working on it. i'm about 20 pages in. and it's rough. but it's a start....and really, that's what most dreams are. a start.

as for now, i've got to get ready for another wedding....because today is going to be my best one.

life through statuses.

i haven't forgotten it.
the moment when someone i love so fiercely told me she couldn't get past her own stuff to celebrate or get me through mine.
i remember feeling hurt.
defeated.
and like i had no idea where the person who used to be my mirror was.

people change.

and they grow apart.

when you're not careful and you're not cultivating relationships, your birthday, your anniversary, your hardest moments, your hard anniversaries, your stress, your business, your life (and theirs), gets pushed lower and lower on the priority list and before you know it, they're missing all of the above.

so here i am, soaking in facebook statuses of a woman i once called my best friend.

and wondering where the shift happened but knowing there is no way to turn back.

so i have to go forward....find strength in the people who make an effort to be here and genuinely want to take part in this ride with me....

i am certain that it's hard. and some days, i am not easy to love.

but i am fiercely loyal. and i love deeply. harder than most. wider than a select few. and i promise that my heart is the best part about me.

i'm clinging to that tonight. and choosing to let go. friendship shouldn't be hard. in fact, it should be the best and easiest thing in the world.....and, if it isn't, then surely it's time to move on....at least, for this heart.