.Man's Best Friend.

I have two dogs and recently have been battling some potential orthopaedic issues with my youngest, Finley. We went to the vet today where they poked, prodded, pulled, pushed, and ultimately spent 2 hours handling my dog...all for good reason...and he sat there, tail wagging, almost smiling, tolerating every moment of it. He'd lay down, they'd make him stand up, we walked the length of this hallway at least 25 times, he'd get tired but keep on going, he'd think the end was near and then they'd pull on his hind legs, push in his joints, and he stood there, tail wagging...licking them....loving them. The power of a dog never ceases to amaze me. You cannot deny that there is a bond between an owner and their dog. Finley would shoot me glances, I'd reassure him that this is all okay, that he's okay, and he trusts me enough to know I wouldn't bring him somewhere that wasn't necessary or put him through anything that I thought wasn't worth it. These dogs of mine have loved and trusted me with more conviction than anyone or anything else in my life.

Let me tell you something--Maya, my oldest pooch, got me through the rough days. I got out of bed in the morning because I knew she needed me....she needed to be let outside, walked, and fed. She got me out of bed in the morning and I held her tightly at night. I can't tell you how many times I've cried into that fur....sobbed...and she just laid there for the whole thing, never flinched, and remained my soft spot until I was through the worst of it. She greets me each time with an excited, yet calm, love....she knows me well enough to know when I'm feeling my best and when I'm just needing a soft place to land. Maya is my rock and constant and I can tell you that this last year would have been harder without her.

Then there's Finley....who came to me when I needed him the most--Christmas....6 days before. This bundle of love and excitement wrapped into one little 12 week old, 16 pound puppy. He distracted me enough to get me through the holidays and came to me with a lot of kisses, cute faces and, well, needing direction and guidance. :-) He makes me laugh and his goofy little self always makes me smile. He greets me with excitement and pouncing, not on me, but next to me, and you can see in his face how happy he is that he gets to live here, with me.

These dogs have never gotten in an argument with me. They have done some naughty things but when scolded, they don't fight back. They have loved me even when I'm exhausted and over-react or when I am drained at the end of the day and even though they want more of me, they deal with what I can give them. They never ask for anything and are content to be fed and provided a soft place to sleep. They never tell me I should look a certain way and they have never judged any decisions I have made. They have loved me when I roll out of bed in the morning, when I get dressed up for a night out, when I am lounging in sweats without makeup, and especially when I'm pulling my Puma's on for a walk. They will sniff their butt, your butt, and everyone else's butt and then lick your face...they will roll in mud and then put their dirty paws on your furniture....they will chew your favorite shoes and bring them to you as if they should be rewarded....they will run away, send you on a wild goose chase, then come home and wonder what took you so long to find them....they will bark and bark at the stupid squirrel climbing the tree and no matter how many times you explain that they are inside and the squirrell is outside, they will still act like they can get it....they will drive you crazy.....and they will comfort you on those awful days.....they will love you on your great days and love you more on your worst days.....they will give you their bone if it makes you feel better....they will make you laugh....they will come back to you each time, even after they have been hurt....they trust in you......and they believe in you.

They say there are two kinds of people--dog people and well, not dog people. I am a dog person, proudly. I love these guys....and I'm happy they are mine. They teach me every day to take it all in, sniff every smell, lick everyone, and play with their old toys as if they're brand new again. I would suggest to try to live more like them, however, I'm not sure everyone would appreciate you sniffing them or their butts and licking may not be the best greeting either....butt (no pun intended) perhaps we can smell more flowers and greet everyone with a hug....judging less and loving more....maybe, if we did more of that, then everyone could be Man's Best Friend.

.Open Door.

I wasn't going to post about this but it is heavy on my heart and so....I need to....for myself. I had some electrical work done last week and I wasn't home--I left the side door open, they took care of it and went on their merry little way. Well, today, I went in the basement to do laundry and they must have used the bathroom down there (where Chris died) and they left the door open....the door that I shut 14 months and 5 days ago.....and it knocked the wind out of me. I know they couldn't have known....but I wasn't expecting it and I wasn't prepared...it was just there, staring me in the face--the picture I can never erase from my mind.....the screaming, the fear, the loss, the man I so loved that I couldn't help...the asthma attack that rocked my world.....staring me right in the face as I tried to just keep walking toward my washing machine....but I stopped and I cried. A lot. 

I've spent a lot of today thinking about Chris....living in the moment....and considering the thousand what if's that surrounded that day. It doesn't happen often that I find myself back here....reliving those moments...but I guess sometimes it's necessary. I believe that it might have been time to open the door...but I wish I had some warning...ha, that's ironic. God hasn't warned me for much in this life...and I'm not sure why I think I'm above Him sometimes....like I deserve to know....how arrogant of me. I guess God has a good way of throwing in a reality check every now and again...and maybe it's what I needed but certainly not what I wanted. 

I know that I will never understand....and that when I get to Heaven it won't really matter....but what about the time between now and then? I'm not quite sure. I guess that's part of the process....the not knowing...and the learning to trust that this didn't happen to all of us without good reason.

Maybe Chris knew it was time to open the door....to let myself heal fully....and you can't do that without revisiting the past....and then maybe I can put it away....in the very special place in my heart where our love still lives on. I don't know why things happen the way they do....but I didn't shut the door....I left it...and I can't tell you why....I just did....and maybe that's enough on a day like today. A little hope that soon enough I will see it for what it is......an open door.

.Face Value.

I am working on myself. It's a process. I've committed to myself to be there for myself, love myself, and create a beautiful world for myself. It can be discouraging.....but I am committed...to me....to be ever changing, always growing, forever loving, and always thankful. It's hard....but anything worth doing is hard. Makes us appreciate the give and take of things....rain for the sunshine....darkness for the light....tears for the miles of laughter...the bad for the good.....pain for more love.

Sometimes we make things worse than they really are. We are people who rationalize to make the bad things better and the good things less than they are. I've been working on taking things and people for face value....it's a realistic approach, much different than the dreamer approach that I've done for so long. Everything has it's time and place but maybe it would be easier if we just accepted and love each other for who we are. Maybe we wouldn't be so hard on ourselves when something doesn't go right and maybe we'd be more appreciative when things fall into place in just the right way. I wonder what life would be like if we could do this, even for a day or an hour. Would our stresses be less....would we have more respect and love for ourselves...would life be easier because we are more accepting or because sometimes it really isn't all that bad.

Maybe sometimes we just need to "reset." To see life like we did when we were younger and things weren't so complicated.  I wonder, often, how we get so jaded....at what point does the shift occur....and when do we lose sight of the present moments. I'm trying to be better at appreciating more and not taking things and people for granted. I think sometimes, that's a good first step. Being more thankful instead of looking at all of our shortcomings....ahh, if only we could master that all of the time instead of just when things seem to be going our way.

I'm not so sure what the answers are....all I can tell you is that I keep searching and keep trying and I learn from everyone else too. Life is a whole lot of trial and error....and even more love and patience. Nothing is perfect, no one is perfect, and sometimes all we can do is keep the hope alive....because there certainly are a whole lot of bad things in the world but there are also a whole lot of good.

.To The Moon.

Chris has been on my heart a lot the last few days.....a lot more than usual I suppose. While I think of him daily, it feels like a heavy weight the last couple days and I find myself tearful today.....remembering....thinking too much....and reflecting. I think it's because I have found myself at the bottom of people's priority lists as of late....people who promised they'd always be there, check in, and well, people I've counted on. This is life I guess....but I'm thankful for some constants that always remain... 

I often will go in my old email and Chris' to clean them out.....because, well, I don't want to lose any of these precious emails we had sent....they are what I have left, among many pictures and notes....this is all I have. I sent Chris 256 emails between 2003-2004, well, that he saved....and in my own inbox 378 between 2003-2006. In my current email, another various 68 and in his, another 46. All filled with love and boring, every day things....but enough to be something I looked forward to and counted on for the 2,193 days we got to spend together.

Gosh, I miss him. I mean, I really really really miss him. From the top of my head to my toes....I miss him. I really don't like the distance....or the universes that seperate us. I know this is just a bad day and that better days are always just around the corner....i guess maybe I just need today to be what it is. A rough one.

I truly have nothing insightful and there aren't enough cliches in the world to make the missing him less...but there is enough love to sustain me....because, even universes apart, you can't stop loving someone, and, as always, I love him to the moon and back.

.You Find Out Who Your Friends Are.

I've spent a lot of time lately reflecting on a few friendships I have. I have some super great ones and, well, some that are falling off the face of the earth. I've spent the last few days truly reflecting on these "one-way-street" relationships...you all know them.... the ones where I call you....I text you first.....I always check in and when it's convenient for you, you respond or just because you feel obligated, you call me when you have time but it's usually in between other appointments or when you're not shuffling everyone where they need to be.

I pride myself on being a great friend. You can count on me. Dependable. Reliable. Giving. Loyal. Compassionate. Loving. Honest. All the things I am I expect back....I don't feel that it is unfair to expect this. Relationships are hard work and love is required always.....it is reasonable to expect you to reciprocate the same love and work that I give when you consider me to be one of your good, or even best, friends.

I read a quote once that said, "Being a friend isn't about being there when it's convenient....it's about being there when it's not" I know we all have busy lives and schedules. I know we all have a ton of things on our plates....but it doesn't mean I don't need you....yep, there sure are a lot of people in my life but your perspective is what I need sometimes.

Then, in the midst of contemplating all of this, I realized that sometimes the people who love you the most are the ones who hurt you the most. We take for granted the gift of each other....the relationships we have created....and someone, undoubtedly, gets hurt. Some people may call me over-emotional but I do take every relationship in my life seriously. I care about you. I care about your heart and how it's feeling. I want to know how your day was. I want to hear about the mundane things and the big things. I want to share with you my heart and how it's feeling. I want to listen to you. This is the kind of person I am. The kind of friend I am. If you don't like it or can't take it, there's the door but leave and shut it....don't let it stay open and linger.

The best relationships in my life have come from a great deal of love and hard work....along with a whole lot of honesty. How is it that these relationships I have nourished are lacking? Because I'm tired of working for both of us. Because I am important too. Because I can't be both ways on a two-way street.

Fourteen months ago today I lost it all....and I still remember that feeling every day....the act of taking someone I love for granted. Maybe if we considered that tomorrow God may have a different plan .... well, maybe you wouldn't wait for when it's convenient ... maybe you'd take this moment to meet me in the middle .... but until then, you'll know where to find me ... I'll be here.

.Life 101.

Sometimes I think it's ironic that I blog. My life really isn't all that important or exciting. I don't have kids that run me ragged or a significant other who's either A) perfect or B) a douchebag. I don't have a corporate job that keeps me working 15 hours a day, 6 days a week and I don't entertain any extremely well known or important people....aside from some Manitowoc VIP's....and by that, I mean, they own lots of Subways, as well as various other business owners. But, I still write....and people read it--that blows my mind....my boring little life is a topic of conversation for some people. I find that, well, fun and a little bit ironic. So, this is what I know lately.

Some people just suck. I mean, there's no way around it. The world has been equipped with really great people and really sucky people....and sometimes it's one extreme or the other, there are very few in betweens, but there are still great and sucky humans wandering the earth....all of us together, and sometimes we end up in each others paths. The great people make you want to be better, they challenge you....and you want to be around them--all the time--it's because they are great. These are the people I want to surround myself with always. On the flip side, every once in a while, a sucky one has to come along and mess up your content little life with your really great people....and all I can do is dream of running this sucky person over with my fantastic Ford Explorer....and then use my tow package to haul him away. Yup. Some people just really suck. Thank God for the great ones.

You give what you get. Some people are selfish beyond control and don't even know how it happened....but I sure do. I've watched them spiral out of control for a while and withdraw more and more into their own little bubble....leaving their friends, spouse, and family to wait in the wings as they "figure out their life" when really they just want more time to take advantage of people because they know the end is near. I'm a giver by nature and am learning to give fully without expectation but selfish people tend to suck the life out of me sometimes. Say thank you and mean it. Be gracious. Give your time. Stop counting the dollars in the bank and start counting your blessings. Pray because you believe.

People don't appreciate their relationships the way they used to. My friends have been cheated on, stomped on, thrown under the bus and run over. Why? What purpose did any of that serve? Did it get you where you wanted....highly doubtful. I've seen it in friendships, work relationships, marriages, and relationships. Stop cheating. Stop being comfortable. Stop expecting. Stop thinking that you'll do better next time. I got comfortable once....it was the best love I ever knew....and in a split second it was all gone. Maybe if we really did live in the moment and we really realized how short life is.....well, maybe, just maybe we wouldn't take people for granted.

Love is hard. If it were easy....surely, people wouldn't fail so much at it so often. I struggle lately with the love I knew and the love I still long for. When Chris died I had committed myself to being alone forever.....but time changes things, people change, and the desire for companionship is very present in my life. It's a different kind of love this time around...and a lot of things for me to sort out....but I'm slowly putting myself back in the race. It's work and you know, some people just aren't willing to work.....I guess that's why the people who know love is hard work to make it work and the people who think it's easy are always complaining about what they don't have. Effort. It goes a long way.

Patience is a virtue. God did not give me patience. In fact, I think He laughs when he sees just how impatient I can be. I'm learning though.....slowing down....taking in more of life....and patiently waiting for the brick or soft whisper He will certainly give me. People, though, are not patient. We live in a society where we rely on how we can get there the fastest, the short cuts to avoid more work, and the quickest fixes. Sometimes I envy my grandparents. They never took the short way and always taught me that the long way will make you feel the most rewarded. I have forgotten some of that as I've gotten older but most of the time, I still take the long way....in hopes that I will learn patience.

Be who you are. People are always trying to impress one another--they will give you the answer you want to hear instead of the answer you need to hear. People get offended easily and often, we change ourselves so we don't have to deal with the aftermath. Tough. The aftermath is worth it. Honesty is hard. No one wants to hear that those jeans really don't do anything for them or that their relationship is falling apart or they're in a dead end job or they've been a bad friend....but, often, they are so far in the situation they can't see any of that....and what do we do, we say, "Do what makes you happy" Hmmm....how about, take those jeans to goodwill, stop enabling your partner, find a job that makes you happy, and call your friends--they need you. Harsh. Blunt.....but honest. I would encourage that there are probably nicer ways to say all of the above but sometimes, being who you are and honest about how you feel can make all the difference. One of my favorite quotes says, "Be who you are and say what you feel....those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

I'm certainly no expert on life but I call it like I see it....and I'm learning just like everyone else. How to juggle and balance. I've never been very coordinated so sometimes those very things become the hardest in my own life....but I'm also very aware that I need to keep juggling and keep walking that balance beam, even when I am unsure and don't want to.....because one day, you might just find me out there juggling on the beam for fun. :-)

.Moments.

I'm slowing down today. Taking it all in....driving slower....thinking more....praying deeper....you know, all the things we never have time for and have the best of intentions to do. It's quite a process--slowing down. I mean, consciously we need to make an effort to take it all in and let all the heavy stuff go for a little while. I like to consider myself good at it when I do it but the problem is I don't do it enough.

There are people all over the world living in their "moments" because they have to. Some are dying and those moments are all they have....some are getting married and hoping to capture all of the moments before their big day.....some are in labor....some are waiting for a child....some are praying.....some are dreaming....some are getting ready for college.....some are starting over. It doesn't matter where you are or where you come from, we all need these moments. Human existence relies on them...craves them. We complain when we don't have them enough and never once realize when we have them too much.

It's easy to get caught up in life....the hustle and bustle of it all....but I sure don't want to be someone who looks back on life wishing I would have done things back when I had the opportunity. I want to take a chance now. I want to live in a bubble of contentment. I want to create Heaven everywhere I go. I want everyone I meet to know I care. I want to leave this world a better place. I want to do something that scares me. I want to dream bigger. I want to hold on tighter, longer. I want to soak in the sun. I want to let it come as it does and stop worrying about what tomorrow might bring. I want to stop scheduling everything and instead, schedule myself. I want to laugh more. I want to live more. I want to love deeper....because who knows how long we have.....we have right now, just this moment......now, what will you do with it?

.One Step At A Time.

One of my patients came in this morning....excitedly telling me he now could place me--that we had met before. I hadn't recognized him before he came in for his first appointment so I asked how he knew me, sure he was confused, when he said, "I met you at your husband's funeral." Ouch. Sucker punched. Clearly, I didn't remember--not because of anything he did but it was just a terrible day and my mind has blocked so much of it. And there I stood, asking how he knew our family and making small talk about it as if it was just another day....because, well, I don't know what I was supposed to do or say but I still feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. 

Those scenarios happen when I least expect them. Someone I know puts two and two together and then they talk to me about it....and I know everyone has the best of intentions but gosh, I really wasn't expecting that today. Then, as he was leaving, he told me that I would surely find someone again--that I'm fun and pretty and smart and I have a lot to offer. Again, best of intentions, but I really just don't want to hear that. I'm sorry is enough. That's all I need to hear. I'm sorry this happened to you.

You see, I've come a long way since that awful day, but I still get the wind knocked out of me. It's not just when someone brings it up like that.....it could be when I see a couple that reminds me of what I had....or a song......or a quote......or just the most mundane, boring things that does it to me.....but it still happens and I don't doubt that it will happen for a very long time. I guess this is part of the grief....that it is a never ending circle.....and sometimes you feel like you're past the worst of it and then it hits you....and you slide backward and start again....picking up the pieces....one foot in front of the other.....hold on enough to let go....and by now, you know the circle like the back of your hand, but somehow, it doesn't make it any easier when those moments come.

 

So, for the rest of today, I'm going to be strong....strong enough to let myself fall apart later if I need to, and soft enough to know that it's okay to feel all of these things today. It's okay to remember....to hurt sometimes....as long as I also laugh and smile. I'll lean on my friends today.....take it one step at a time......and know that I'm going to be okay. Sometimes, that's just enough.

.Broken.

I'm not very good at trusting myself enough....thankfully, Chris was the best at reassuring me I could do anything....for six years he trusted my instincts, reminded me that I'm the best and always pointed out my true strengths, telling me they always overcame any weakness I had.....and now, well, it's just me trying to do all the reassuring for myself and while I like to consider myself mostly successful, sometimes I'm just not. It's one of the many things I miss about my wonderful husband...his ability to just say, "everything is going to be okay" and then, I believed him. Life seemed so much simpler then.....and it was....I wasn't fighting universes to communicate....but this is the cross God gave me to carry....and while the load is sometimes heavy, I continue to walk. 

Just today, one of my good friends asked me how I am....really....how I am....and I said, I'm all right and he asked me why I was just all right and the more I thought about it.....the more I realized the way self doubt, stress, work, relationships, drama, loss, gain, and everything else has factored in lately. Truth be told, I'm tired.....exhausted......and wondering when this tank is going to hit empty. Surprisingly, I keep on going.....so much is fueled by prayer and my love for others....wanting to be there for them.....to show people what it looks like to come from the bottom and rise to the top.....but I'm still tired and sometimes even broken. When I think of "broken" I consider that some of the world's most prized possessions and beautiful things come from broken pieces and years of decay.....but it doesn't change that they're still beautiful. The coliseum in Rome....falling apart....and one of the most visited places on Earth.....in my own home, one of my favorite thing is a mural made from broken pieces of glass---they don't fit together perfectly but the picture is still beautiful. The churches that have fallen apart but you can feel the grace coming from every piece that's left and still, people go and awe in the marvel.....take in it's beauty and take a million pictures of those very "broken" pieces.  

Maybe it's just that we all have some part of us that is broken....maybe that's just part of life.....and maybe, when you least expect it, you find the light in the darkness....you stop doubting and keep believing.....you stop worrying and let God take care of you--of everything fully....and you stop searching for that "missing piece" and somehow, it just finds you.....because, yes, everything is going to be okay.

.Drive.

When you dream, dream big....as big as the ocean blue. One of my favorite songs....because it was Chris' favorite first and since his passing, I have listened to the words with more intent than I do most any other song. Music has been my retreat many times when I just don't know what to do or what turn to take next. We all need something that grounds us. I listen to music and I drive. Yep, that's right.....I drive those country roads, much like I did when I was in high school and that boy just didn't like me back or I had to get away from my over-bearing parents--who really weren't that over-bearing, but give me a break, it was high school or the best friends I always thought I had turned out not to be my best friends....at all. So I drove....turned the volume up....and got lost in the scenery, in the words blaring at me, and in myself....and it always helped. I do that now, even at the age of 25, and it still grounds me....keeps me from internalizing everything and somehow always sets me back on my way in a better mood with a bit more insight. 

Most people tell me it's a waste of gas and money and that I'm only damaging the environment and as much as I appreciate everyone's concerns, there is something to be said for making my own environment healthy, happy, and safe. When I drive, I make new dreams.....think about what to add to my bucket list....I make a game plan on how I intend to cross every one of them off....and I sing--at the top of my lungs, as if I am a sold-out Celine Dion show. I only admit that to you, my faithful readers, because we all know I am no Celine....but ahh, in my car, I sure can try. 

Then I pull into my driveway, put the car in park, get myself back together and leave my oasis and wait for the time when I will do it again. Lately it has been often. Lots of things have happened, gone wrong, and stressed me out. My oasis has been necessary. Sometimes it's the only place I don't worry about anything else. Just me and the road and that is usually enough to bring me back home.....down to the ground....where I feel the deep breaths come out of me and I know that it might be rough right now....but it can't be like this forever.

.The Crossroads.

Sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads.....we make the best decisions we can and try our best to think every situation and scenario through and sometimes our best decision isn't what's best for everyone else in your life....but you do it anyway, because you believe something might be different this time. You have convinced yourself that this time will be the time that everything will work in your favor.....without ever considering that it might not. In the process, you push everything away.....people, family, dreams, hopes, and all fear that the bottom may fall out.....and then, when it does, what will happen? Who will you have then?


This world can be a lonely place when the only person on your radar is yourself. I know we all tell everyone to do what's best for themselves and all that warm, fuzzy, independent stuff that you learn from various other people in your life as you climb the ladder of life....but sometimes there is this desire to step in, shake the crap out of them, and tell them to rethink the left turn they just took. Sadly, all the shaking in the world doesn't stop them sometimes and you are left to try to figure out how you all got here....how this happened...and what the heck you're going to do from here.....then you shut off for a little while and you cry if you have to or you get angry or you just don't do anything and hope that tomorrow is a better day...and then you pray....because it's all you've got left....you, God, and this big, scary world.


The crossroads of life are never easy....in fact, you usually come to them when you are at a big point in your life and, well, we never quite know the exact time we're going to get there but there we are, staring this intersection in the face knowing we have to make a choice in order to keep going. Right or Left. Right or Wrong. Good or Bad. Hope or Despair. Happiness or Misery. Everything rides on these choices. It will change the course of our lives....and we hope for the best, not knowing....taking gigantic leaps of faith....and praying it will turn out okay in the end.


Maybe it's the not knowing that scares us into making these decisions. Maybe it's easier to stay safe and with what you know....but I've learned, from my own experience, it's when we put ourselves out there and take the less traveled road that our character is formed.....our joy is magnified.....and our love is forever changed. Maybe it's the leaps of faith that define us.....maybe it's the not knowing and reaching always for the better of the two choices....and the act leaving behind the sadness and misery that comes with that same "safety" that is so attractive sometimes because we know what we've got and to start over is, well, terrifying. Maybe it's doing something different that makes all the difference. Maybe the crossroads would be better if we always knew what road lead to the joy......but maybe the beauty of it is making the right choice and finding that the love and joy you were longing for was waiting for you as you turned the corner....and will follow you for the rest of your journey....or, at least, until you find yourself again at the intersection of this big, beautifully scary world.

.The Giving Tree.

I'm a giver by nature.....and boy, have I been burned in the past because of it....but it's who I am. I'm learning to accept that just because people will burn you, hurt you, and sometimes walk all over you, it shouldn't change who I am. It's hard not to become cynical but everyone gets burned....everyone gets hurt....and sometimes we have to get out of our own bubble to see the big picture and get over ourselves.

I've been surrounded by a sea of complainers lately.....people who are upset and anxious because they're stuck in my waiting room....people in front of me at the grocery store who are frustrated there's another person in front of them....people complaining about their significant other, children, or friends.....and so often, I want to interject and tell people that things could be so much worse.....but that would be rude and my workplace, the grocery store, and various other public places are certainly not the place to be offering my life experience up for discussion.....but I'd like to.

The selfishness of people has been more clear to me than usual as of late. I notice the hurried people who only seem to care about their own needs and wants. I've seen my friends take advantage of their spouse, family and friends. I've seen people walk without the love they used to carry because their lives have become too busy and when you need a helping hand....they just aren't there like they used to be because they only make time for the things and people they deem important when they know that if they need you, you'd drop everything for them. everything. and never ever think twice. Then you begin to move them around on your own priority list because you don't want selfish in your life. You want people you can count on....believe in....and, as hard as it is, you begin to put them at arms length---for the sake of yourself and them....because it's easier that way. easier to just do the best you can with what you've got and hope they will see, someday, the things they have lost....but it is a very real possibility that they just won't....and accepting that is, sometimes, just as hard as re-prioritizing.....but necessary for your own happiness.

Selfishness rarely leads to happiness....and when it does, it usually comes from justification for all the short comings because what they want what they need will always be more important and there just aren't enough hours in the day and a million other excuses to help them sleep at night. Giving to those who only take is part of life.....but giving to those who give back to you is why I remain a giver, someone you can count on always. believe in. dream with. hope with. and, most importantly, spread love with. Yes, I am a giver....a dreamer.....and an eternal optimist.....and, for the record, I sleep just fine :-)

.Stronger.

That which does not kill you makes you stronger. That's what they say. I'm stronger than I look and stronger than people give me credit for. It's not necessarily because of what happened to me but more because of how I chose to react. There is a lot of truth in the reaction....truth about who you are....that you can't even begin to comprehend until you're half way through it and there's no turning back. Somewhere in between the losing and the rock bottom and the upward climb and the never ending hole, I chose to stand back up and make the best of what happened.

It is true that our past shapes us....there is no way it couldn't....but it doesn't have to define us. Bad things, worse things, happen to people every single day and those whose reaction time provides healing and strength in order to stand back up are living proof that strength comes in all forms and that anyone can do it. anyone. 

I didn't want to be strong. At all. I wanted to let everything fall in around me and, for a while, I did. Then I heard somewhere that insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I had to stop and reorganize and it lead me here. To this beautiful place of love and kindness and acceptance. I prayed about it--I lived, breathed, and created hopeful tomorrows, not knowing what I would get and I was always strong enough to let the bad days go and to embrace the good ones when they come. 

Being strong isn't about how much weight I can lift--although, I'm pretty strong there too--but, for me, it's about how much love I can give myself to pull myself up from the bottom and try try again. I'm not sure that what didn't kill me made me stronger, but maybe how I reacted gave me strength. Maybe the love I still have gave me the strength to be stronger. Maybe love really does heal wounds and change people and changes our own self. If I've learned anything, it's that love really is what it's all about.

.Reprioritizing.

I'm in the process of reprioritizing. My life. My people. My loves. My desires. My dreams. Everything. Top to bottom. It's necessary at different parts of your life to do this.....there are definite commitments that require me to be fully present for and also to keep at the top of the list....myself coming first lately. I've taken on a lot--not realizing how burnt out it made me. I thought I could do it all, in fact, I still think I can most of the time....turns out we all need help--I'm learning to ask....some people are better at it than others. I think I convinced myself that I was by all technical terms, "alone" so I would have to go through much of these life projects alone. Turns out, it's okay to ask for help with those--especially when Lowe's makes your head swell and brings a whole new meaning to the feeling of rage. :)

It means I reprioritize my friend list and begin to lean, as much as they'll let me, until I come out of the dark and find a way to make my life a little less chaotic. I didn't stop doing anything when Chris died. I kept our house. I kept the cars. I kept working full time. I kept the remodeling. I kept the projects. I kept the pets. I kept the kitchen table-ditched the rest of the furniture. I kept the carpet-ditched the linoleum. I did everything I normally would and here I am....tired. Time for a change. To finally put me back in the "I kept" list.

First, I did all those "normal" things for distraction....except now....I don't need the distraction--I am in a better place and ready to place myself back at the top and ready to make the time I need to put my other priorities in just the right place.

I'm not the only one starting over....so many of us are.....in our own different ways. Some of my friends are still in the quest of finding themselves, some are on their way to reinventing themselves because of situations and things they couldn't control, others have felt failure in relationships and friendships and are needing to make a change....and yet here we all are, trying to figure out the meaning of life. I'm not sure that I know it myself but I do know that if I live more, love deeper, and spend less time worrying about all the things I cannot change, the best me will take shape....and if I change my priorities so that those 3 things can happen then I'll do the best thing of all....I'll set myself up for success....and then, well, there might just be a happy ending.