.One Step At A Time.

One of my patients came in this morning....excitedly telling me he now could place me--that we had met before. I hadn't recognized him before he came in for his first appointment so I asked how he knew me, sure he was confused, when he said, "I met you at your husband's funeral." Ouch. Sucker punched. Clearly, I didn't remember--not because of anything he did but it was just a terrible day and my mind has blocked so much of it. And there I stood, asking how he knew our family and making small talk about it as if it was just another day....because, well, I don't know what I was supposed to do or say but I still feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. 

Those scenarios happen when I least expect them. Someone I know puts two and two together and then they talk to me about it....and I know everyone has the best of intentions but gosh, I really wasn't expecting that today. Then, as he was leaving, he told me that I would surely find someone again--that I'm fun and pretty and smart and I have a lot to offer. Again, best of intentions, but I really just don't want to hear that. I'm sorry is enough. That's all I need to hear. I'm sorry this happened to you.

You see, I've come a long way since that awful day, but I still get the wind knocked out of me. It's not just when someone brings it up like that.....it could be when I see a couple that reminds me of what I had....or a song......or a quote......or just the most mundane, boring things that does it to me.....but it still happens and I don't doubt that it will happen for a very long time. I guess this is part of the grief....that it is a never ending circle.....and sometimes you feel like you're past the worst of it and then it hits you....and you slide backward and start again....picking up the pieces....one foot in front of the other.....hold on enough to let go....and by now, you know the circle like the back of your hand, but somehow, it doesn't make it any easier when those moments come.

 

So, for the rest of today, I'm going to be strong....strong enough to let myself fall apart later if I need to, and soft enough to know that it's okay to feel all of these things today. It's okay to remember....to hurt sometimes....as long as I also laugh and smile. I'll lean on my friends today.....take it one step at a time......and know that I'm going to be okay. Sometimes, that's just enough.