Some Days You Don't Win.

It's been a while since I've been here....mostly because this time of the year sucks the life right out of me. I feel extra grinch-like this year....not that I haven't been here before. I know this place, this season, this feeling...what to expect and how I'll feel on Christmas year...but every year the depth of the loneliness changes...last year I felt like I was on top of the world and had a million and one reasons to be thankful....this year, not so much--this year the length and width of the very darkness seems overwhelming and it just might be. On top of that, I am still so unsure of who I am lately--I hide behind smiles, laughter, positive facebook statuses and jokes hoping that just once someone will see it for what it really is--a giant act....that there is a girl inside of me that wishes someone could see inside my heart for just a moment....even more, hold it until I get my proverbial act together.

That all brings me here, trying to sort it out....and completely unaware of where it will take me. I have a big heart and with that heart comes feelings, expectations, disappointments, and uncertainty. I have often wondered if I expect too much and if every let down has begun to harden my heart. I would be foolish not to acknowledge it...but, I am very aware of the many ways it has impacted me as of late. Friends who just aren't there...bridges I've burned without meaning to....and the ever apparent expectation I've placed on myself--be strong, at all costs....and even when you're not, be stronger. Enough said. Those very things are what has brought me to this pretty ugly place as of late. I feel like I am burdened by should haves and empty promises and it has surfaced a lot of different emotions....literally and honestly, my heart is broken and I am losing hope which, if you know me, is not like me at all....but I'm tired, hurt, and quite lost without direction.

I am counting my blessings--sometimes twice or three times--and reminding myself how fortunate and lucky I am but I don't feel anything lately....no joy, no real sadness..I cry but I'm not entirely sure what triggers it. I just float....hoping either my balloon will pop or someone will catch it and bring me back into reality. It feels like I'm just waiting....stuck...perhaps for God to show me just how limited I am on my own and that I need to trust Him....but it's sure hard to trust. Just when I think I'm getting there, something else hits me--someone says something or does something and here I am, again, wondering just why I try so hard....and how much I'm willing to continue to take until I realize this isn't working. I'm not a punching bag...but right now, you wouldn't know it. I am wondering how many apologies it takes until someone lets me off the hook for something I didn't mean to do....how many different ways I can beat myself up for that very thing....and how many times I will really convince myself they'll come through this time--last time they didn't know how much I needed them but somehow this time they have to see it....they have to see the hurt I am carrying...they just have to know...

Reality is, they don't. They don't have any idea how much I need them or how my heart is breaking and that every day isn't easy for me. I struggle, get back up, and try again....but people see me behind the lens or busily rushing into work or getting settled in my pew....and never think twice about it...and here I am, lost, alone, and completely defeated.

Some days you don't win. Some days you just have to hope tomorrow has got to be better, pull the covers over your head and hope that you can escape for just a little while.

.Hindsight.

I have really been struggling lately...with a variety of things...failing friendships...body image...whether or not "here" is where I'm supposed to be...and, of course, if I'm actually ever going to figure it out. That's the thing..just when I think I've got it...when I feel like I'm "golden" God shakes me a little harder and reminds me that nothing is ever really "safe." 


I am the queen of inspiration....or so it would appear. I post those sentences that pop into my head in hopes that it makes you think and consider things you hadn't before...or maybe it will make you take a hard look in the mirror....and they're the very things I consider myself....and I rarely let anyone see the part of me that struggles, hurts, and is desperately crying for help. I was faced just Friday with one of those moments and the shuffle of the business of setting up games and life reminded me that, by no fault of my own, we are not always warranted the time we need and often we cry out for help at all of the wrong times in all of the wrong places. It was terrible timing that left me feeling leveled, needing to take my bravest face and put it on....and so, I did. 


The thing about those moments is they are designed to teach us about ourselves....how strong we are, how much we can take, and how much we SHOULDN'T take on our own. Often, I wait for far too long to lean on someone else and by then it feels as if I am already losing the battle....and I've already convinced myself that the very doubts I have are true and will define me...instead of seeing the good in me--the beauty in myself--the friends that have stayed--the God who has loved me through it and in spite of it. 


I think we all have such a desire to take everything on ourselves...let's face it--we were all raised to believe we could do it all. Every teacher, my own parents, friends, and colleagues have all told me at one time or another that I could have it all--the husband, 2.5 kids, hypoallergenic dog, successful carreer(s) AND happiness...all rolled into one...but the act of taking it all on has been exhausting...especially because my plans didn't really go as planned...but the hopeful girl in me still believes that one day I will be waiting for the days when I complained only about my house being messy and not having time to fit in a nap while I chase around those two and a half kids all with strong names who are trying to grab the dog's tail and have dinner in the oven and am just waiting for Mr. Wonderful to walk through the door after a long day....that's the thing about Hope--it's more than just a pretty word--it's a state of being....a true state of believing in the simple fact that, like Annie says, the sun will come out tomorrow. 


But everyone, even me, loses sight of that very hope-filled feeling. Everyone has moments of feeling lost, unsure, and completely left behind. Perhaps it is the change of seasons that has taken me into the hardened parts of my heart or the exhaustion that has surrounded me lately. Either way, my hope has been lacking and my heart is tired....but I am aware of perspective and just how bad things could be. I know more than most that time stops for no one and I think I'm finally recognizing that resisting the changes that have occurred in my life....sometimes so rapidly...will not take me anywhere....and certainly won't bring back what's been lost--relationships, friends, missed opportunities, and a million other "what ifs" that sometimes haunt me. I gain nothing from digging in the past...and yet, I have spent far too long dwelling in it. These are the moments where I have to remind myself to let myself off the hook....that I can't change what's happened to me--even when I did laugh so hard my chocolate milk came spewing out of my nose in 4th grade and I felt like I was going to die--but I can let.it.all.go. 


I have hope that someday I will see myself for who I really am...that someday I will know with all certainty that I am right where I'm supposed to be....that fewer expectations make less disappointment....and that His plan for me is greater than anything I could ever begin to imagine if only I trust in it. 


And, for the record, if I had known that the chocolate milk incident was going to be the least of my worries it might have changed my high school career...especially that awful meeting with the softball hill my freshman year as the senior boy I was convinced would marry me drove by while I was writhing in pain nearly eating grass....if only I had known it then.

.Goodbye To You.

I have taken a lot of time to really think about this decision...mostly because, when your heart is as big as mine is, you don't want to hurt anyone and you want to know that the decision you've made has been well thought out and that every opportunity has been given in which to turn things around. 


It's not a matter of fault...there was no big blow up...and there certainly hasn't been a "defining moment" in deciding that it's time to end a friendship that still means so much to me....sometimes, you just begin to accept that the person and friend they were once isn't the friend and person they are anymore....and, truthfully, I really need the person they were before....so, perhaps, a lot of little moments that lead to believe it was time to begin moving on. 


Life is busy...we are all busy...and because of this, the time that I do have is limited and needs to be spent with people who truly do want and deserve my friendship. I have very clearly, multiple times, laid out the expectations I have...and some people may think I ask for too much but each and every time they look me in the eye and make promises they can't possibly keep. Part of me is hopeful that it's not purposeful and another larger part of me knows that it easy to want to please someone and so we make empty commitments that always end up coming up short...and someone is always disappointed...usually the one to which something was promised. There is no apology....they couldn't possibly feel bad for swapping you with another, more important friend....but you sure feel sucker punched when you truly realize the rank in the priority list and you find yourself wondering where exactly on the totem pole you fit...if, at all. Harder than all of that is knowing that once you knew your place and while people change...the part you've lost is that you haven't changed together...somewhere along the lines you got lost in translation and one of you is still standing at the train station waiting to board while the other is long gone by now. 


The tricky part is the many ways your lives are tangled together...you will undoubtedly see each other and interact with each other...and it will be awkward and uncomfortable at times...but you will tell yourselves that it can't possible be as strange as you think it is. The silence that was once easy is now awkward and tense and your heart which once understood this person is now bewildered, sad, and empty....really empty. 


The first few days are hard...you hear or see something and you want to call them, but you don't...because you're, A...fearful they won't answer and B...knowing that you could find a million reasons to try this again but you know that the past will likely repeat itself....and you just don't have it in you to wait it out, again...so instead you begin the long, hard walk into acceptance and while your heart breaks you know you have got to be stronger for it in the end...there is no way you would have gone through all of this if you wouldn't but if I'm being completely honest, you're not sure of that very thought. You might just need that person who has come through every now and again to be there for that "now and again" time when your struggles seem so much bigger than you. Somehow, though, you put on your brave face and keep walking...and, it is my great hope that, before I know it, I will remember you only as someone I grew apart from and all of the hurt and bad feelings will be gone...that seeing your face won't feel like a dagger to my heart and that I will be thankful for the brief part of my life you were once a staple in. 


In the mean time, I am patiently waiting for that very moment.

.Fishing.

I am reminded daily of how short life is...I am, though, not always aware of how much I take things and people for granted. I have always believed that if you know where your heart is you're okay...good, even. But in the midst of a busy life, I have often lost track of it--priorities, passions, dreams, relationships, things, and...unfortunately...people. I try so hard, but I am human and often find myself trying just to stay above water...for example, I should be editing photos right now...but my heart is important and for now, this is where it needs to be.

I am amazed at the many gifts I have received, even among great loss and sorrow I have been fortunate enough to have such blessings. Just yesterday I noticed a bracelet and it read "strength"...it was for breast cancer awareness...but I considered the word for a few moments...and I felt this overwhelming sense of ownership to that word...being strong is so many things. It's the simple act of getting out of bed when you just don't want to or answering that phone call every single time someone calls--no matter how many times--so that, at times, you can be strong for them...it's knowing today might not be your best day but tomorrow has got to be better...it's putting on a brave face when you want to fall apart...it's knowing you've given everything and done more than you can when you feel like you have nothing left. Being strong is in the little things as much as it is in the big things....it's in a sincere apology....it's letting go of the past and the hurts that haunt you--of which, I have many....it's knowing that your heart is healing, even when we don't fully understand it.

I am convinced that we don't always see things the way we should...that our hearts get cold and tired and we forget to count the moments. I know better than most how quickly those moments can be taken away...and it is my greatest hope that we will learn to soak them up...so completely that our hearts may never become dry and bitter....but I know that we will, and that sometimes we will act out of impulse and anger instead of love...but I am learning to be more completely forgiving. I say completely knowing that I will let the past be the past...and I will actually move on, turn the corner, and let it be....to let love be bigger than me. 

Speaking of moments..I was on a photo shoot this morning and noticed the frisbee golf hole at Silver Creek Park where I tried so hard to "participate" in one of Chris' favorite hobbies and flung my frisbee in the creek where he lovingly fished it out and promised me he'd always go fishing for those discs as long as I always tried my best....and here I am, still trying, knowing that somewhere in that great big sky my Anyway Person is still fishing out my discs and setting me back on my feet when I find myself staring at the ground. 

For today, I am reminded of how grateful I am for the people who are in my life...for the moments I wouldn't trade for anything...for memories...for tears and laughter...and for knowing just where my heart is. 

Live Your Love.

I believe in being happy.

I know, it doesn't seem all that profound at first but it really is when you step back and think about it. It is so much easier to carry the weight of every bad thing and experience....so much easier than to carry only a smile in your heart and a hop in your step. I recognize fully that happiness is not always attainable and that you must believe in what you're doing and where you want to be for it to work....and--mostly--that it is a conscious effort every day.

I am fueled by my emotions...every little thing rattles me some days and other days I feel like I can take on the world. It is rare when both of those worlds collide and I find a balance that lasts more than a few days or even hours...but I can assure you that the balance does exist and I am going to be better at making it so. It's part of choosing to be happy.

I'm learning the hard way that being happy is more a choice than I ever thought it was before. It is not just a chain of events that falls right into place. I am consciously choosing to love and accept every blessing and hardship that is coming my way...and I am also consciously choosing what it is that I will feel sadness over, loss with, and ultimately the energy I will allow to accompany me on this journey. I am responsible for that and that alone.

This leads me to another belief. I believe in owning your actions and ultimately who you are.

Again, not that profound....but accountability, within yourself, is crucial. I control the fact that I sometimes have bitten off more than I can chew...but I own it every single moment. I am owning that my own shortcomings are self-limited and not because of anyone or anything else. I own every mistake, every triumph, and every moment of bliss that I allow in my life....that while I am overwhelmed at times and feel like I have my "hands full" I need to recognize that as an abundance of blessings...and how absolutely amazing is that?!

The power of thought and perspective is huge. I own those too. I can allow myself to see things in positive or negative ways and while there is certainly room for both at appropriate times--the point is that it must be the appropriate time for both and owning those moments is crucial for the balance to come back.

This morning, while I was getting ready, I was completely indecisive on what to wear and every time I looked in the mirror, I found fault with something somewhere. In a true this-only-happens-in-the-movies moment, I decided I was going to own this outfit, especially the sweater that I normally would never wear, and I walked out of the house and didn't think about it again until I got compliment after compliment on it. I recognized it wasn't just the sweater...it was deciding to own the fact that my choice to see past the imperfections I so quickly noticed in the mirror just don't matter as much as I think--especially with a good sweater :)

Every action, word, and thought has a reaction--good or bad. Of course I want them to be good...but we are all human and with that comes pride and jealousy and those very things spark the negativity that I am so consciously choosing to avoid....but, on a bad day and even on the really good days, life happens....we act without thinking....we choose words that don't reflect our heart....and we forget that people's feelings matter. It is likely that I will not leave behind a legacy with my name engraved on it....but it is more likely that you will always associate how I made you feel with a negative or positive connotation....that, when I'm not in the room and my name comes up, you will have a distinct feeling about me.

Because of that very sentiment, I am choosing to be kind, happy, and fully myself.

Again, not that profound--not a single big word in that sentence--but the effect of those very things has the ability to ripple...to inspire...and to challenge others...which leads me to believe that, often, big words are not necessary when it comes to matters of the heart....for, even the smallest of children know the power of short, sincere sentences like I love you and I'm sorry.

Live your love. Own it. Choose happy. Be kind.

Goodbye is never easy.

I feel like I have so much to say today...I'm not sure where it's all pouring from, except that my heart is exploding with words that maybe weren't there just a few days or weeks ago. I recognized today that, for too long, I allowed myself to be used by a "friend" in hopes that it solidify my spot in his life....and I feel foolish. This friend, who I still care so much about, rearranged his priorities by who could do or give him something in return...and whether or not he realized it, he put me at the top of the list for every wrong reason--babysitter, listener, at times-housekeeper, someone else in the house, and I'm sure a bunch of other things that "filled" the empty hole in his heart at the time....the problem is that, for me, it wasn't a matter of convenience...and now that  he's found someone else...and I know that only through the grapevine...well, I am no longer needed, important, or anything at all in his life. It's been nearly 2 months since I've seen him....and maybe even longer since he checked in on me. He always called me his little sister but family doesn't leave family....and now I'm a bit peeved, mostly hurt, and left wondering how you just leave someone. I've reached out....gotten a few word responses here and there....and, aside from bits and pieces I hear from other people, I have now become a spectator in his life. Wow. 


He made a lot of promises that I know he won't follow through on....and while I'm not entirely surprised, I had bigger hopes than I should have...that's my fault I suppose. Expectations always do me in...and while I've spent the last 6 weeks thinking about the many memories we made and all the times we laughed, I'm having a hard time accepting that God brought him to me and me to him for just a short time....and that my "big brother" has chosen to walk away without even giving me a reason why....and that, until the bottom falls out again--if it ever will, I will be taking a backseat....and that is one hard pill to swallow. 


I never considered that this would have happened....that the many times we stayed up and promised each other that whenever we found someone else we'd still leave room for the other would change when that scenario came into play. I feel foolish and a bit angry at myself for allowing myself to be used...and because I'm a giver and he was one of my best friends I just wanted to be there for him and his family....and here I am, big brother-less, and there he is-completely oblivious to the fact that I even feel like this....wrapped up in his new life, himself, and I'd be lying if I told you I didn't miss him because I do...but you learn people's true colors real fast when you need them the most.


I've learned a lot of hard lessons from him....that sometimes the people who say they love you don't know what real love really is....because real love doesn't abandon you when the next best thing comes along...that sometimes you learn the hard way who a person really is....that all the good intentions in the world won't fix this....that your birthday dinner absolutely won't come, even though he still tells you it will....that your heart needs to put some relationships away so that it doesn't get bitter...and seeing someone through the hardest times doesn't mean they'll keep you around for the better ones. 


I think this is goodbye...at least, from me.....because there isn't a single thing left to say that he'll even hear. All the talking in the world won't make him see how hurt and saddened I am that this friendship lasted for only a short time....that someone who I confided in, relied on, made a place for as family, laughed with, considered a best friend, cried with, and dreamed with has closed the space for me in his heart...and maybe not entirely on purpose but then again, maybe entirely on purpose. 


And, for the first time in those six weeks, I have finally allowed myself to cry...to recognize the loss and to grieve a friendship that I thought I'd be able to count on forever. The reality of it all is sinking in...and the missing him sucks....what's worse is being a spectator in a life you care so much about....or maybe that the big brother I had grown used to walked away--on his own accord, without even telling me....and without me even doing anything wrong.....for the second time--the only difference is, I don't think he's coming back this time. 


He likely will never read these words or know how my heart is breaking...and I guess it's enough to know that I've at least gotten it off my heart for now. That has to be enough.


The worst part of all is that I still need my big brother...but he doesn't at all need his little sis. 

.Vanity.

We are all entitled to be a bit vain every now and again...I suppose now is that time for me. I have never considered myself to be at all consumed with how I look...in fact, it usually takes me about 20 minutes to get ready in the morning--hair, makeup, out the door. I have always prided myself in being pretty but not beautiful...and I say that not in a negative way but a very honest real fashion. This week, though, has given me a reality check when it comes to my vanity when I woke up Wednesday morning with quite a case of poison oak. 


I noticed two spots on my arm on Tuesday, didn't think much of it, flew home from Virginia and went on with my normal day to day activities. Wednesday, though, hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up with all of these bumps on my face--all over my face--my forehead, lips, cheeks, chin, and nose. At first I thought it was the chicken pox because I've never had them before but I quickly remembered being in the woods this past weekend and decided it had to be poison ivy, poison oak, or poison sumac....after some googling and a lot of itching I decided on poison oak. You can't tell from the picture of my face--I think it just looks pretty blotchy but if you got a close up look you'd think I was 13, just got my first period and training bra, and a bonus breakout just for fun....and because I've also been on prednisone and a super anti-itch cream that lasts about an hour before I want to claw out my face again. I was urged to go to the doctor because of the proximity of it all to my eyes--and as bad as it is, I can't even imagine if it would have gotten in my eyes. OUCH!


Anyway, it's given me some time to consider the vanity in me...I've always been one of those people who has said that people should love you for who you are...I think I do a pretty good job of that with others but learned quickly that I don't do that with myself.....at all. Immediately I ran to my boss asking if I looked okay, if you could notice, and spent the day wondering how many of my patients would notice or say anything. Most of my patients didn't say anything but then there were the handful who, upon noticing, said, with fear in their voice at the answer, "What happened to your FACE?...is that a RASH?...and (my favorite) Oh my gosh! I didn't know you could break out like that in your 20's" and, I was immediately upset because A.) people noticed and B.) they asked about it. I guess I had hoped that if people did notice they just wouldn't say anything because that would be rude and if I was a health hazard I wouldn't be here. Wishful thinking I suppose. Yesterday my face was a bit more red so I got more questions yesterday and am expecting more today as a new batch flood through the office. 


In the midst of my itching and feeling like the phantom of the opera, I had gotten every cream, lotion, and potion that showed any sign of hope for relieving the itching, drying out the oils that had infected my face, and thought I could bypass every person who told me I'd just need to wait it out....turns out, none of those creams, lotions, or potions allowed me to bypass....I am currently waiting it out. I wake up every morning hoping that it has dissipated or, better yet, disappeared, and each morning I am met with a twinge of disappointment when I still see it lingering there. The itching is what gets me...it's literally like something crawling in your skin. Remember when your mom would tell you to stop picking at your skin or that zit and she'd tell you she'll make you sit on your hands--yep, I'm at that point...the sitting on your hands point. 


In all of this, I've taken a good, hard look at the many facets in which I have viewed myself. Of course, everyone wants to be noticed and beautiful and well-liked....of course, we all wish that shirt that we just love would fit us like a glove but we're all different for a reason. I was driving to work this morning when the song "Beautiful Things" came on my iPod.....there is a line that says "You make me new...You are making me new" and I considered that this change, while physical for now, might change the way I see myself and others. This change is uncomfortable, painful at times, and definitely not what I had in mind...but, it sure has made me think about what I am choosing to see in myself and others. I can tell you that I haven't always been kind and that I have judged when I shouldn't have...that I have often wondered if people realized what they were wearing when they left the house in the morning...and that I've envied others "perfect" looks and beauty. The funny thing is, we're all just people...and I look this way because none of us are meant to be the same. It doesn't mean that I'm any more or less attractive than anyone else...I am not anyone else...so comparison is pointless and self-defeating...but every time I got overlooked by "that" guy or I got passed up for "that" job or I didn't get what I thought I deserved, I allowed it to be a physical thing...instead of it being preference....and we all have our own varying versions of what we prefer, like, and dislike. 


I am challenging myself to see myself, flawed and all, as a beautiful person....to stop getting caught up on my looks that will eventually fade anyway but to nurture the soul in me that can see the beauty in everyone, starting with myself....to see, with a more God-like love than I have before, that we all have a light inside of us that we simply cannot deny...and that very light will guide someone, many people even, at different points in their lives....so, for today, I'm going to love this face--eruptions and all--and I'm going to smile about it. At this point, there's not much else I can do anyway....with this, and with much of life, I'm just going to wait it out.

Here, there, everywhere

I have considered that life is not always fair and that the answers to big questions--any questions--do not come printed on the back of the test. Trial and error....that is mostly key...and a whole lot of praying, wondering, dreaming, and hoping. 


As of late I have truly considered my physical address. Sure, things are mostly good...and, from the outside looking in you might wonder why I am searching....and really, so am I to be entirely honest. They say you shouldn't leave until you know where you want to go...and, if we're being completely honest, it's just a feeling I'm going off of. Something just feels "off." It's not a normal, typical funk....it's not even a bad feeling...just that something isn't quite right. I am a bit confused myself--mostly because I am in the peak of my business booming, my job is finally rearranging itself back to a place of contentment and my friends and family are awesome. I have considered that the change needs to be more internal than anything else....but my internal meter keeps telling me that it is where I am, in this moment, that is not where it wants to be....yet, I am entirely uncertain of where I WANT to be. Perhaps that is the perk of coming back from vacation...it is far easier to consider the life you had for the last 5 days than to actually put into action a gigantic move, a new job, new surroundings, and a million other details that would easily take stress to a whole different level....but still, it hovers in my mind and I find myself wondering why not do it now...while I can still turn back when I have the chance....but change is hard and thinking of doing it and actually doing it are two very different things.


I want to spend the next few weeks deciding where it is that I need to be...whether that is right here, down the block, or somewhere totally different. I feel like I'm really on a quest to finding my whole heart instead of bits and pieces of just making it work....the bits and pieces are nice, but they aren't enough. 

.Vanilla.

Literally, 12 hours ago, I was in a different zip code, area code, state abbreviation, and time zone. Traveling blows my mind. I spent ample time in an airport today....I watched people, couples, children, grandparents, hurried travelers, people my age, people on business and vacation...and there I sat--contemplating "home." I have always been bad at the leaving part in a trip...I'm great at the beginning and the middle but it's always the end that gets me--I think, mostly, because wherever I go family and friends are the focal point of why I've left my cozy little home in Manitowoc. I've been to Richmond many times but today was the first time in a while that I walked in the airport and had tears well in my eyes....these boys that I have had the honor of knowing and loving are growing up before my very eyes. Jack started school today. Charlie is walking and talking and identifying colors and numbers and shapes. These are fleeting moments that I don't have enough of and only last for 5-7 days at a time. Quality time, absolutely. Quantity...not so much.

So, as I sat among other passengers today, I pulled out the book I had been meaning to read for some 4 or 5 months now....The Happiness Project. It poses the age old question...."What makes you happy?......"  Happy. Now there is something I think everyone knows about. It seems like we are always awaiting the day that when someone else asks, "Are you happy?" You can emphatically, without a doubt, say with 100% certainty--why, yes I am. Often it is equated by someone else or validated by whatever it is that is important to you....but, just today, when I spent my time in 3 different states, I didn't find time to ask anyone else that....just myself. There definitely were people who didn't look very happy, overheard conversations expressing frustration over visa's to Cambodia or your mother-in-law taking the children ALL day or the mistakes that are made.....but there, in the hustle of the Cincinnatti airport, was a beautiful older couple. They were in my gate and I sat across from them....the gentleman was sitting there with his frozen custard and his wife was walking around to calm her nerves....he saw what I was reading and offered to me that, "Young lady, if there's anything you want to know about being happy, you can find it in a dish of ice cream." Of course, I knew he was right, we laughed a bit and I learned he was on his way to his granddaughter's wedding this coming weekend-he and his wife had never flown before and he added "Sometimes you just need to go for it--remember that too--that's a big part of being happy." Of course, he told me that after he suggested to his children that he drive all the way here from Fairfield, OH, and that was met with much disapproval--he said, "When you're my age you leave the risk taking to the younger generation."

His wife joined our conversation adding that part of being happy is giving yourself hints to avoid needless embarrassment--then she pointed to her cell phone with the phone number taped to the front...apparently she has been known to forget that. We talked for another 10 or so minutes until we would board and as I said goodbye and wished them well, the gentleman turned to me and said, "happiness is simple. don't think too much about it." I smiled and walked away as I heard the lady boarding zone 2...and that was me. I spent the whole trip home thinking about that...a man whose name I don't even know was quick to point out that I wouldn't learn to be more happy by reading a book or taking tips from the self-help section at Barnes and Noble. There isn't a checklist like I had always thought....no corporate ladder or amount of contacts in your phone....there isn't a prestigous friend or colleague...fame won't keep you company on a bad day....and certainly, all the times you had said 'no' because it didn't fit perfectly into your plans instead of saying 'yes' won't give you happy. Of course, there are events that will lead you there--a flawless 5 year plan--or so you think...and pivotal moments that will change you, shape you, define you, and hold you accountable. I think real happiness is the light in our hearts that we can still find after the worst days, the worst moments, and is still recognizable when we have been broken, hurt, and are unsure of where this journey will lead....and, as Jack will sing for you, "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart..." 

All that being said, I think everyone hopes that their happiness is right around the corner...and while we are all mostly happy it is our nature to strive for more...to want better...and to dream bigger....when sometimes we just need to keep it simple. A dish of vanilla...chocolate syrup...and nuts....that was a wise man's recipe for "happy" and I don't think he was too far off.

Actions.

I find it funny that Pandora ironically reads my heart better than most people in my life and, often, better than myself...but here I am, much like before, feeling a bit removed...a little bit sad....and a whole lot of unsure. I always come back to the same thing--that the people who truly want to be in your life will make the space and time to be in it....but somehow, I come back to the conclusion, often, that either A) I am not as much of a priority as I had hoped or B) All the words in the world do not make it so...meaning, you can tell me all of the time all of the things we will do but that doesn't mean we are actually going to do them. 

Action. It's a funny thing...you're either doing something or you're not and often, it is just as much problem to be not doing something as it is to be doing that something. I think of how many times I turned people away and opportunities down....mostly fueled by fear....some by a desire to "wait and see"....and others due to a sense of my stubborn "I know best" attitude. Either way, here I am...plagued by those same questions and while I know there is a reason I am feeling them, I am trying to find out exactly what I'm supposed to learn in this very long lesson. I have, for so long, tried to make every step a large action....to live better in spite of all I've been through....but, truth be told, I'm tired...feeling as if all this action and inaction has made me more confused than before.

If I allowed myself the space to just let it all hang out there I'd tell you that I'm really sick of people still looking at me as if I should break at their feet....and, on the other side, I hate that people look at me as if I am less of a person for laughing and smiling and moving on...and I hate that I have been belittled, criticized, and the center of a 17 year old girl's frustration because my photography business is doing well and if I hear one more time that people only book with me because I'm cheap and that I've stolen people out from under her it will sure be even harder to turn the other cheek....I hate that poor decisions have plagued someone who once was so true to his morals and beliefs....and I hate that this house that I bought 3 years ago WITH my husband is the only piece of my life where our electric bill can still have Chris' name on it...because his social security number will be reassigned someday and his driver's license number maybe already has.....and one of the few things that remind me that he lived is the WPS and MPU bill that I can count on like clock work each month....and I hate that I wait for those very bills, just to see his name written by someone other than me. If I gave myself the real space to throw it all out there I'd tell you that people like me don't come around forever and just because what I look like isn't a 10 doesn't mean that my heart isn't a 15...and that HAS to count for something. I'd tell you that you need to take care of the people you love when you have the chance.....because MY GOD....the very people who tell you to live in the moment are the same ones who watch life pass them by....and it's not my place to judge you or them but don't tell me how to pick up the pieces when you've not walked for 30 seconds in these shoes. I'd tell you that I still question God...that He gets me at my worst and my best....and He loves me anyway--why is it so hard for me to just accept that and love Him back? Why do I have such a desire to be in control? If I gave myself the space to let my heart open wide I'd tell you that I have no idea what I'm doing...that so much of me still feels so broken...and that I put on a damn good front....that, if you don't poke or prod at me, you'd never know the internal struggles I face every day. I'd tell you that I hate doing it on my own but I can......I'd let you see that I let myself fall for my best friend who had no idea just how far I fell and now the "just friends" idea haunts me...because that very same friend with morals and values is the same person that I once envisioned a white picket fence with...and suddenly there is no fence, no hypoallergenic dog, and no 2.5 kids...and letting go of that is gutwrenching but necessary.

If I let it all hang out there, just once...for even five minutes....if nothing else, you'd see just how brave I am.

Even Rubber Bands Snap.

My heart hurts today. I come here often when I'm in a place that it is all too familar...when words have pierced me, or someone has betrayed me, and when I'm unsure of the next step. So, that is where I am today--I suppose I've found myself here, overwhelmed, and frustrated....hurt and upset....and using this as my outlet to just let it all go. 

I come back to the fact that there are defining moments in all of our lives that show us our true levels of maturity and teach us the true meaning of growing up. I have, unfortunately, learned most of them the hard way....and while I've taken them mostly in stride, I am now watching someone else use me to learn those very hard life lessons. I have let every bad comment, back handed compliment, and immature action, slide off my back until now...when I just seem to be past the end of my proverbial rope....and while I have no intention of using the same tactics it takes a big effort to be the bigger person....and an even bigger person to allow themselves to be the platform in which another needs to learn from. I suppose I am just sick of being the platform...even rubber bands snap and trampolines get tired. While everyone says that jealousy is what fuels these very actions, it certainly doesn't change the fact that I am hurt and that, regardless of what anyone says, there is no way to take back what's already been said and done. 

There have also been a lot of changes both personally and professionally for me this month and while change is necessary, it certainly isn't always good. I made a promise to myself that I'd give it 31 days. I'd give it the good college try and while I'm learning that I am only one person and I can only do so much it doesn't change that I hate feeling like I'm stressed out 40 hours of my week (at least) and that I am not at all appreciated or valued. It's amazing what a sincere "thank you" or "good job" can do...one that comes from your heart and not because someone else told you to or because you read this very blog today. It seems my well is nearing empty and while I've always considered myself quite adaptable, I wonder how much longer I can continue to go like this until I've completely burned out. I feel myself slowly shutting down....not because I can't take it but because it is just easier if you don't share parts of your life with people--gives them less ways to hurt you. I have watched some of my co-workers use me as a punching bag...not that I am proud of it--but when you're in the middle of someone scolding you as if they are your father and they are pointing their finger, have raised their voice and are literally yelling at you, it is difficult to see clearly the best thing to do so you don't do anything...and before you know it, they've pushed you down, trampled you, and you realize that what was once a happy healthy environment is no longer fun or even remotely good....all while soaking in the words that being thrown at you as if you're not a person and that you don't have feelings. I have realized the value of that simple fact in the last 31 days--I am a person, I have feelings and they matter.

So, now what? That's the big question here. There's a fine line between walking away and knowing things will turn around. I'm not sure where I am on that very rocky ledge yet. Jumping would be easy but full of fear....and staying in the same spot, getting the same results and answers is also one of those things that causes tension and uncertainty to make a gap in your heart where your smile used to be. 

For today...I am going to soak up these last few hours of the weekend, turn off my phone, grab my iced tea, and allow myself the space to let the tide come in.....hoping that soon enough I will be standing, stronger, watching it go out again.

Words.

Words have weight....they hurt and they stay with you...and while we'd all like to repeat the rhyme "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" we all carry one (or three) bad experiences with us where the wrong words were chosen and feelings were hurt. Truth is, they sting...and it's difficult to not take things personally. I struggle with that very thing in my personal and professional life...usually telling myself it is what it is...but is it?

I have also been thinking of the weight of someone's word. Promises broken and kept, words said that are deceitful and truthful, and a million and one pros and cons lists for just such situations. I was reminded again this weekend of that very thing...mostly because to a child your word is everything. They rely on it, cling to it, and hold you to it without even thinking twice about asking you again and again when you will do or when they will receive whatever it is that you promised. When do we lose that trait...the part where we are brave enough to ask for what we've been promised from someone. I ponder that as I think of the weight of follow through....dinners promised, time promised and other expectations all turned into disappointments. Because-as adults-we've stopped asking and allowed for excuses to keep happening...but yesterday, when I tried to talk a 4 and 7 year old out of a trip to the zoo out of town, I was reminded that I had promised and for them, that was all that mattered....so we went....even though it was 95 degrees and disgusting.....because my word had weight and they remembered. 

Soon enough all of those empty promises and failed handshakes become cold reminders of heart aches. I have tried my best to let most of them go but there are always those ones that just stick with you. Those few moments where the weight of the words was far greater than you could have known at the time....so, choose wisely...or the weight of your own words might begin to weigh you down.

Heavy.

I have a heavy heart tonight. Not for one particular reason...but many. Sometimes I find myself unsettled, asking for directions, and unsure of the road in front of me....and while I trust that the Man bigger than anyone else will lead me, there are times I wish I had a road map. I know, I know...just trust...but I'm human which makes me want more than He can give me at times. 

I wonder if I stood still for a moment....just let it all wash over me...and finally gave into the very things that feel like burdens...if I could breathe again. Sometimes we need to get leveled to get built back up...but I wonder how many times...and how many ways we can be taken down before we begin to stop taking the very people for granted who love us the most....and how many times before we stop asking for things...instead of just being thankful for what we have. I'm not sure to be honest. I don't know just how many times before I find myself recognizing and acknowledging people all of the time for their help and generosity...and I also don't know how long before I stop looking for validation in all the wrong places. I know, in my heart, that only I can fill it to the brim with bliss...but it seems so impossible sometimes to keep on trying...to love myself for just who I am, flaws and all....to give myself credit for the many things I've done with my life instead of my short comings....and to give back to my own heart instead of to everyone else's. I'm a giver by nature but not where it counts most...to give to people who don't appreciate it or me has gotten me nowhere....and, sadly, there are people who have given far more to me than I have to them. It's amazing really...that our hearts are so willing even after having been hurt. I think it's one of the many reasons our head rarely beats our hearts. We love deeply....and, unless you're a good swimmer, it's hard to get out of the deep end once you've gone off the diving board. Turns out, I can't swim at all.

So, where do I go from here? Up I hope. I hope that the only place I go is a place full of compassion and love provided by my self for my self....but it requires a lot of strength and patience...and I'm not sure I've got enough in my tank of either. The silver lining is that God provides me with grace and love when I am reaching for that life preserver. Most people, in fact, don't see me reaching...and they miss my signals...because I have no physical scars...and if you can't see it you won't ask....and you certainly won't be digging deeper. Looks can be deceiving...hearts can be broken without anyone knowing...and life can throw curve balls in any direction but you'll miss it if you're not looking. 

I guess this is me hoping someone sees past the hurt and into this broken heart long enough to help me put it back together...instead of just walking by....

.Tomorrow.

I came here today just needing to let it all out. I'm feeling a bit lost in translation. My body has an urge to cry one of those deep sobbing cries and I feel like I'm trying to catch my breath....but nothing happens when I give myself the room to let it all out. It feels, literally, like a weight on my chest....a large wooden box placed upon it...but when I open the box there is nothing there....just a big space where things used to be--where my life was once. It is true...so much has changed since that day two years ago....since the moment when the bottom fell out....and it's evident that I've come a long way...but everything has a price. If I had known then what it was, I might have lived a little differently....but that's the thing about the past--you can't change it.

My present is different than most other things in my life have been. I've learned that I'd rather be late having spent precious extra moments with people who love me than to be on time for the meeting I overcommitted to. I've learned that your priorities need to be in line in order for there to be balance and happiness in your life....and sometimes the places you've put others are not the same as where they've put you....so it is best to be aware of where you stand. I've learned that you can't spend your life planning your future....sometimes you just need to go with it. I've watched people push away the best parts of their life to advance their career or to get a few extra brownie points with the person they are smitten with....don't lose yourself because once you have, it's pretty hard to get your self back....at least, not without unnecessary pain...and the same goes for the people who stood by you and loved you anyway--you can only push them for so long...then, you better hope you've got something to back it up with. I've learned that things are just things and stuff is just stuff...you can't put a hug in a box or a kiss in a drawer or laughter in a jar--those things are priceless and should be treated as such. I've witnessed what happens when you take someone for granted and have experienced it first hand....if you knew today was your last day, what would you say to them? Maybe we should consider that when leaving anyone at any moment...would they know you loved them...would they know you would have walked through fire for them...because those are things you should know without a doubt....especially if you should find yourself in a burning building. I've experienced the power of prayer and trusting in a power greater and stronger than yourself...in a God who loves and saves....who doesn't promise an easy journey but who will promise you company along it if only you have a little faith. I've learned some people never change and the past, more often than not, dictates future behavior....so trust your gut when true colors are revealing themselves. I've learned to wait 24 hours before I say something I might regret....it's easier to take back what you haven't said than to ask for forgiveness for the things you have.

I've found that my worst day could have been much worse...and while that sometimes brings me comfort....for the next 24 hours I'm going to let my worst day crash over me like the tide coming in and..whenever the time is right, I'll watch the tide go out....and, in the wet sand, I'll write LivHope.

Butterflies.

I don't know why it feels like next week is coming on unexpectedly...I certainly have been watching the calendar...counting down the days even....and here it is, less than seven days away....and here I am, feeling like the world is crashing in on me already. I know I'm entitled and everyone grieves in their own way and blah blah blah, but I just miss him...I keep asking for a sign....for something to tell me I'm on the right path....but I can't seem to find it or see it....or maybe no sign is a sign in itself.

This whole week feels surreal....we had our first date on this day, 8 years ago....and I can still remember what he wore and what I wore and the nervousness in my smile...would he like me, would I be enough, would someone more worthy catch his attention? Then, before I knew it, he was climbing the stairs--I saw his reflection in the mirror--and there was no turning back. I knew there was something amazing about him the moment we met....and I still get butterflies when I think about it. But, I'm human, and there is much of me that still wonders how a man so good could be taken so young....and while I know that it is not my place to ask questions and that faith means trusting without seeing the end point on this journey...my heart has such a desire to know. I also realize that if it had not been for this man, eight years ago down to the very moment, I would not be here...in Manitowoc....with the people in my life that I have and everything would be drastically different--maybe even worse than it sometimes feels now. 

I'm strong....most of the time...but I feel myself coming apart at the seams....and I suppose that's okay....for a little while. The beauty in the breakdown is that it doesn't last forever....that by this time next year I will be further than I am now....and that 2 years ago I remember telling people that I couldn't imagine moving on....that there is no way I could have a life without him in it....and that I would never feel joy again....but all of those things are wrong. I've moved on--cautiously at times....and with a heavy heart--but I've kept on moving...and I have a beautiful life filled with love and beautiful people and he's still in so much of it....and I have felt joy....laughed with my whole heart...and smiled wider than I thought possible.

4:30 pm. June 20, 2003....that's when I met my husband....that's when God put me in the palm of His hand and told me to trust Him....hold on tight....and brought me the sweetest butterflies I'd ever known.

Anyway.

Two years is coming so fast....11 days from now....and when I really think about it, today-two years ago-my life was everything I wanted. I had a husband who appreciated me, fought with me (that's important), fought fair is even more important, and loved me anyway. When I say anyway, I mean that he was my person. You know...the one who, even on your ugliest, worst days, loves you anyway. It is rare to find that quality in someone. The "Anyway" quality....and even more rare to be able to trust in it...but when it comes along you hang on tight....and sometimes we hang on too hard and before we know it we're wrapped in a love so big we can't even figure out how we got here or how we'll get where we're going....and sometimes, in a blink of an eye, everything changes....and the shattered pieces of your life stare at you in the mirror....because no one can see a scar. No one can see your heart aching...all they see is what you let them....which has brought me here, to this--my safe place.

I've been tired lately...missing my anyway person....facing the realities of it all again....and just wondering when the upswing will return. I keep myself distracted enough...busy enough...but somehow it just isn't enough....it's just filling time....waiting until I get to him again. How do you ever find a love like this again? I know everyone says it's possible but I'm not so sure. There are millions of people all over the world waiting for their anyway person....what if we only find that person once...then what? Do we settle or do we spend an eternity checking things off the proverbial list of "needs and wants"? Or, do we just accept it for what it is....and whatever might happen will just happen? I'm unsure on this. While I've considered seriously dating again, I'm not sure I'm 100% sold on it. Everyone says it changes when you meet them but what if my heart is so closed off that I've missed him already or he passes me by....will someone again fight for me? 

These are all things I don't have any answers for....but I allow hope to live inside of this heart...and I wait until I feel it pulling me along....sometimes I'm not sure where it takes me--most of the time I find myself unsure but for now, I'm just taking it day by day....minute by minute....until it gets me to my person....my love....my anyway.

.Perspective.

It's been a while since I've been here...partly on purpose...mostly on account of keeping myself distracted and busy....but, none the less, here I am again...seeking comfort and relief in on this web page where I've watched myself live and grow.

I was able to be away for a little while...and vacations are always very good for me....gives me room to breathe, to back up and see the world in a different light....but the difficult part is the putting into action of all the things I've decided and relationships I've reprioritized.....or, so I thought I had. I have the hardest time with knowing when it's time to walk away. I never want to give up on anyone...but I also can't continue to be taken advantage of....and while everything is give and take, often I find myself giving and giving and giving.....one way street relationships are just not what I need in my life....but the disconnecting and the fully letting go are much easier said than done.

In the end, it should be about the people who have always been there....but it's easy to take the best thing for right now...to go to the temptation..and to not know what you've got until it's gone.

It's easy to take for granted what you have because you don't realize that tomorrow it might not be there....but it is true....tomorrow does not come for everyone. I know that better than most....but most people find out too late....and when they have, there is no turning back....no second chances....just faith and hope that soon enough they will begin to realize how blessed and lucky they are. People like me don't come around every day....and sometimes we lose sight of the big picture....but that picture is there for a reason...for perspective....for boundaries....and to pull us back when we've gotten in too deep.....so, for tonight, I'm going toward the shallow waters.....giving myself room to breathe....for now.

.Convenience.

Ever have those moments when you just feel like crying and you can even feel the tears behind your eyes...just sitting there, waiting for that moment when it all comes out like a flood. My heart is heavy. Not for any particular reason but a lot of little things that have been building and I'm tired. Really tired. I'm just sick of the convenience factor in friendship. People just aren't around anymore. They're not there. They have over committed themselves to everyone else but you...and it's just disappointing....and while some might say that I take things more personally than others, I am just sick of being so open with my heart and having it so quickly taken advantage of. That's life though....the unfortunate part is that people who are giving always give too much and people who take always take too much. We've lost the balance.

So, when is enough really enough? I've always had a hard time determining that. When have you been forgotten about, scheduled over, and an after thought one too many times? Maybe when you ask someone to make time for you this week--even though you know they're busy--and the little time they have made for you is quickly sucked up by a girlfriend and family and all the many priorities that have topped the list? Maybe when you invite someone to do something and a mutual friend invites them to the same thing after you have and, as a nice gesture, they decide to include you in their new plans when it would be nice to be the only option? Maybe when all the laundry you fold and dinners you make to help someone are only for them...and you're left empty at the end of the day.

And then, you cry....let it all out and vow to be different....you vow that this is the last time someone takes advantage of you....but it won't be....because people like me will always put our hearts on our sleeves and offer everything we have so that another might benefit...feel a little less alone...and because it will have been a selfless act of love...except, just once, I want to be the selfish person that says--no, I need you too....but instead, I offer that you go to that zumba class with our mutual friend instead of me...and I tell you to have a good time because, well, I want you to....and I fold your laundry, do your dishes, and give your kids a bath because it's what I'm good at and you don't ask for help so this is the best I can do....and I still hold this conversation in my heart waiting for the moment when you make time for me because I need to get it off my chest...but always on your time....

Then I erupt like a volcano when it all comes crashing down and cry hard because it hurts....and some people just don't understand and these very people will tell me that it isn't that big of a deal or that they'll be there for the next one but what if there isn't a next one? What then? Life is short, will you have wished that you gave me that 30 minutes or have gone with me to something fun or that you would have said thank you just once?

I don't know about you but I'm learning the only people you need in your life are the ones who need you in theirs....it's a hard lesson but it's true. The people who want you will make time for you....and they won't consult their calendars when you need them. They rearrange plans and give you what you need...because it's what you do when you love someone. You make time. You follow through on plans you've made. You appreciate people. 

And then, in the midst of the crying and blowing your nose, you decide tomorrow has to be better and you try again...and those very people might call on you tomorrow and as much as you've vowed today to be selfish and stop giving of yourself, you won't...because that's what people like me do....you give...and you let it go...because, the hope is, that someday they'll appreciate you for all you are...and then, you fall asleep..wake up, and do it all over again tomorrow. 

But-for tonight-you protect your heart.

.Captured.

Today someone asked me how I got into photography and then, why I love it so much. I suppose so much of it is the moment....because, when everyone's grown up and everyone's moved on with their lives, this moment will always bring you back. Being behind the camera is more than just pushing the button...it's seeing thru the lens the very things that make your families, children, and hearts beat faster. It's becoming familiar with the people whose moments you're capturing. It's about love...and even more, it's about taking a child who's not having the best day and capturing that quick giggle or the sweet hug that reminds you that it's the everyday moments that are worth memorizing.

That's the thing....it's life....life is messy, complicated, beautiful, joyful, crazy, chaotic, and, those are the very moments in my own photo album that I love the most. The candid moments of pure joy and bliss that fill every picture frame in my home....the moments that catch me by surprise and bring me hope...and the smallest things that remind me where my heart is. 

We all talk about how short life is but do we really appreciate that very sentiment. Do we really stop to smell the roses or do we wait for the photographer to come and set up the shot so you can share it on Facebook? What we forget is that God captures all of our moments...good, bad, and even ugly. God sees them on Facebook, He sees my own self-criticism as I look in the mirror, He watches me in my car, on my way to work, while I'm at work, when I'm driving home from everywhere, He knows how long it takes for me to blow dry my hair and put on my face in the morning, He hears me singing in the car and in the shower, He knows my routine, when I pray, when I make time for His word, He knows my priorities, and He is always behind me and seeing the good, bad, and impulse decisions that I make. I don't doubt that he has a never ending memory card....and I faithfully go to confession, apologize, and feel remorseful because we all have moments we need to delete off the card....moments we're not proud of and wish we had done better....moments where we just weren't who we want to be. That's the beautiful thing though--He forgives without abandon....He doesn't bring up my past mistakes...and He doesn't use hurtful words to get His point across....instead, He just loves me more.

So, yes, I capture moments....and I see beautiful glimpses in time through a tiny opening on the back of a piece of equipment.....but I also see those very things every day that don't get put on film or uploaded to Facebook...and those images engraved on my heart are just as important as the ones hanging on my wall. And, everyday, I am most thankful for the images I can visit only in my memory....those are my real moments. We all have one...the moment when you wish more than anything that you'd have had your camera....but maybe it's for the best that we didn't....sometimes, the best place to dwell is in your own heart for a while...pure, simple, and, in just a moment, it takes you right back there....if only you'll close your eyes long enough to see...

.Three Years.

Three years ago today I married my best friend. I woke up at 5 am....and, in fact, I can remember rolling over to face my best friend just hoping she would wake up and when I saw her eyes open I simply whispered, "I'm getting married today" in the most excited whisper one could have. We woke up and it was this rainy sleet mixture but I didn't care....I got my hair done and I can still remember the glow I wore along with that beautiful white dress. 

I cried the entire way down the aisle...nerves, joy, butterflies, dreams, hopes, all wrapped up in one very long aisle but there he was, waiting for me....tears and all...and he took my hands, whispered every sweet thing he could before the beautiful celebration began and eased my every worry and fear...all in under 3 minutes. That's the thing about him--he knew what I needed and how I needed it even before I did. I think that's what happens when you love someone so much...they become a part of you--an extension of your very self....and it's as if you're putting on their socks in the morning--you just know which foot goes in first. I never worried about how tightly he held my heart--I had no fear of it breaking...and while we certainly had our moments, I always knew that his grip held me tightly but gave me room to breathe. Like I said, he knew just what I needed before I ever did. 

Before I knew it, the vows were said, rings exchanged, and we were walking down that very long aisle as husband and wife. It's amazing how different the walk was on the way out. Joyful....I had committed to a man who loved deeper than I could have ever imagined possible, who communicated, listened to me, and who proved to be the strongest soft hearted man I have ever met....and, in what felt like mere seconds, the day was over--we had danced our dance, mingled with guests, and neither one of us could remove the smile from our faces. We were just happy....and, it turns out, that was all we would ever desire.

The aisles and the long walks are what I remember the most. Only 14 months and 12 days later did I walk down another seemingly never-ending aisle to celebrate his life. I remember that too...like it was yesterday....the nerves, butterflies, sorrow, sadness, tears, anger, and confusion as I held tightly to the casket that only housed what was left of my amazing husband's earthly self. Again, before I knew it I was standing before 108 people talking about him as if he was gone....and, somewhere in all of that, I realized that he was. I can't tell you how many different ways I've tried to make sense of it all. I can tell you, though, that every time I come up short. All the rationalizing in the world doesn't fill the other half of our bed and there isn't a single justification I can make to take the hurt away.

The walk back down the aisle, after all the blessings had been said and the peace-be-with-you hugs were given was just as long...as Be Not Afraid was sung and I, again, clung tightly to his casket I remember vividly asking God to hold him and, in the same breath, to carry me until I can do it on my own again. I trusted, believed, and somehow, had hope that it wouldn't be this way forever...and I knew I had nothing to fear...I knew God would provide....but I didn't know when or for how long or even how I was going to continue getting through the days. But, still, I walked down that aisle and out of that church and again, I was changed.

I still have rare moments where I need to go to the cemetery and read his name on our headstone to really be convinced that he's not on vacation....but today is one of those days. I have quickly learned in the last few weeks that it wasn't just one anniversary he'd miss....it's all of them. The continued moments that mark time that he is absent for....and each one is just as hard, if not harder, than the first. My heart still breaks a little each time...but, thankfully, I can count the hours and even the minutes and know that it will all be over when the clock strikes midnight....then it's 364 days away...which is a long enough distraction to get me through until it comes again.

I have hope that it won't be this way forever and that, while it will always be hard, it will someday become such a constant that I know exactly what to do. Until then, though, I'll just keep swimming and pray that soon enough the tide brings me to you.

.Forgive.

She knew nothing about life but she knew everything about living. I've lived more than most people have at the young age of 25....and tonight was no exception. Tonight, I learned that forgiveness is the most healing and peaceful thing anyone can do for themselves.

I went to Starbucks tonight with a friend I hadn't seen since Christmas....and as we were chatting and talking about life, mommy-hood (her second is on the way), and the various people we both knew, I heard the coffee-making-man call, "tall, skinny, decaf, caramel macchiato," and as I turned to see the owner of the drink, I realized I knew her. In fact, I'm part of the duo who put together her and her soon to be husband. We locked eyes--she looked away, avoiding eye contact at all costs--and I smiled for quite a while before returning to my conversation. 

Something happened right then. I had let go of the anger and the not knowing that had haunted me for quite some time and I forgave. I didn't speak it to her or even say it out loud until this very moment, but I let go....for me....because it had been too long.

You see, when someone dies, some of your friendships die too and every single one of them changes shape. Some people don't know how to be around you...they don't know what to say or if they can talk to you about the normal things they used to and they don't know how to fix it so they distance, walk away, ignore, and sometimes it's not done in the most graceful of ways. Sometimes hearts break and feelings are hurt and sometimes, we just aren't our best selves. And, unfortunately, that happens whether or not you're the widow on the receiving end--people get hurt with or without a situation...whether we're in middle school, going on 16, graduating college, turning 30 or, even worse, 40, and as we find ourselves growing older and more importantly--growing up. That's life. Sometimes we get hurt and it stings....and sometimes we fight back because we think it might change something or at least you've said what you need to say....but, most of the time, it leaves you clinging to more hope that you got through to them or that something could have changed....when I wish I had known then that forgiving was the only thing that could possibly bring peace to this heart. There's a difference between fighting for something you believe in and seeking revenge. Peace and comfort rarely comes with the latter. 

So, no, I didn't run over to her like someone in the movies would have. Quietly, in my chair across the room, I finally let the distance be comfortable. I didn't wonder if she was looking at me. I didn't hope that she could see me smiling. I didn't even pay attention to who she was meeting. I lived as if she was someone I knew once. And she was. 

I had always been hard on myself for holding on for far too long to the things I should have let go of....and for the first time in a long time, for just long enough, I let go of the wheel and it was as freeing as I imagine it would be for Maya to spend the entire car ride home with her head hanging out the window.

I am certain that she couldn't have known that her presence alone did that for me tonight but I am thankful for the moment that gave myself the room to grow.

Sometimes we don't have these big, dramatic, eye opening moments. Sometimes they come to us quietly and we can miss them if we're not careful...if we're not paying attention to the only moment we have for certain which is right now. Sometimes we wait for the brick wall to stop us in our tracks so we can have that "defining moment" on our journey....when, sometimes, we just need to define the moment. So, that's what I did....I let love be my avalanche tonight...and it was enough to stop me in my tracks, take a good look around, and whisper to my heart, "I forgive you"

And I walked to my car and never once looked back....not even for a second.

Rocky

It's odd...you quickly learn where you stand when you find you're on shaky ground. Isn't that life though? Nothing is perfect and even the strongest foundations can be rocked. How we react is key.

I'm realizing my attachments to things and people are, at times, one sided. It's unfortunate but people don't give the same effort that you always give. Sometimes it's the best they can do and sometimes they've convinced themselves there is no time in which to make you a priority. The two way street becomes a one way half way thru and, by then, it's too late to turn around. I was always hopeful I wouldn't get to this point but here we are....and now the detachment begins. Not because I don't care but because I need my heart to be open for someone else who really wants it.

I'm a romantic by nature....I believe in fairy tales and while it seems like a good thing, it doesn't exist...at least, not in the way everyone thinks of and hopes for. That's life I suppose. I keep trusting and hoping that God has a plan for me. I am lacking patience....but I am trying. Trying to keep my head above water long enough to know how to get out of the deep end. That's how I do it...one day at a time.

It's a good motto. One day...one minute...one moment. Just until hearts mend and time heals because we all know that it will...that time will make this heart whole again....so until then, I pray...and I work on myself.

First new endeavor...piano lessons. Stay tuned....

.Grief.

Death is a funny thing. Often unexpected, it leaves you numb, emotionless, emotional, and creates quite the paradox of feelings. When one is grieving, it is acceptable for them to feel multiple things at the very same time....healthy even....but for me, it always leaves me numb for a while and then it hits me later.

My uncle died today. While I was by no definition "close" we had a few moments that I remember...and I always knew what I could expect from him. When I got the news today, my heart immediately went back to the place where I was nearly 2 years ago....and truth be told, any death sends me there.....and I'm left holding on to a million and one different moments of that awful day....and while I certainly have done a lot of healing, I find myself clinging to God tonight....praying, listening to Him...and hoping that somehow I will find the very thing that brings me comfort....and then, I wait for the tears....but none have fallen. I feel like something is wrong...surely, I would have had something by now...but nothing. Just numb. I even feel guilty that nothing has poured out of me....but you can't force something that just isn't there yet....

I'm tired..tired of always going back to this place when I'm faced with loss. Does it ever go away? The hospital room...the funeral home...the caskets, vaults, and prayer cards...all right in front of me again....and all of the loss and the feelings that it brings....all right there....the exhaustion, utter exhaustion....and the reminder that life really is too short. How many times will I have to be taken to this place to truly understand that though? I'm not sure. You would think I would know better by now....but I still take for granted those things and people that I love...and I still find myself searching for the very things that are often right in front of me....but maybe that's all part of the learning. I'm certainly not perfect...and I'm still learning.

Whatever the reason, be thankful today....for what you have....and--for five minutes--forget about what you don't....we all draw the short straw at some point....be glad you have any straw at all.

.Rope.

Accountability. It's part of growing up. Part of being an adult. There are times in my life when I look back and know I made a poor judgment call. Unfortunately, too many times lately and it has left me feeling defeated, upset, and frustrated. At what point do you walk away? I mean, you can only do so much and try so hard before the trust is broken and you find yourself at the end of the proverbial rope. The thing of it is that I care...about people...even people who don't deserve it. If only it was easier to walk away, cut ties, and never even think twice. I wasn't hard wired that way. I was hard wired to care.

I've always given people the benefit of the doubt. Some people say I'm naive. Others think it's just plain stupid. But here I am....choosing to see the best in people....except I'm sick of being on the receiving end of the worst in people which leads me to believe that trust sure is a hard thing to come by.

It takes a lot for me to walk away....in fact, I'm often the person who has stayed for far too long. Most people call that persistent. I am starting to see it as foolish. How does that saying go...fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Well, shame on me....over and over again it seems lately. People have taken advantage of me and it is a hard lesson to learn when you were hoping to be nothing more than someone they could always count on. 

The world becomes cold and hard when you believe the only person you can trust is yourself, but what happens when, all too often, people prove that to be true? That's the part I'm trying to make sense of. We, as humans, long for the "being" with others and the "togetherness" of friends, family, and a partner....but we hurt each other, mistrust, misuse, and abuse others and then wonder why others walk away. Because, at some point, you really do reach the end of the rope. At some point, there isn't anything left to hang on to and you have to let go. Because, before you know it, you've held on for far too long.....and you're tired, your hands are chapped and blistered, and you realize your heart is beginning to take on those very same traits.

So, sometimes, to save yourself, you have to let go of the rope and become a spectator in a life you care about. Sometimes, that's the only option.