.Forgive.

She knew nothing about life but she knew everything about living. I've lived more than most people have at the young age of 25....and tonight was no exception. Tonight, I learned that forgiveness is the most healing and peaceful thing anyone can do for themselves.

I went to Starbucks tonight with a friend I hadn't seen since Christmas....and as we were chatting and talking about life, mommy-hood (her second is on the way), and the various people we both knew, I heard the coffee-making-man call, "tall, skinny, decaf, caramel macchiato," and as I turned to see the owner of the drink, I realized I knew her. In fact, I'm part of the duo who put together her and her soon to be husband. We locked eyes--she looked away, avoiding eye contact at all costs--and I smiled for quite a while before returning to my conversation. 

Something happened right then. I had let go of the anger and the not knowing that had haunted me for quite some time and I forgave. I didn't speak it to her or even say it out loud until this very moment, but I let go....for me....because it had been too long.

You see, when someone dies, some of your friendships die too and every single one of them changes shape. Some people don't know how to be around you...they don't know what to say or if they can talk to you about the normal things they used to and they don't know how to fix it so they distance, walk away, ignore, and sometimes it's not done in the most graceful of ways. Sometimes hearts break and feelings are hurt and sometimes, we just aren't our best selves. And, unfortunately, that happens whether or not you're the widow on the receiving end--people get hurt with or without a situation...whether we're in middle school, going on 16, graduating college, turning 30 or, even worse, 40, and as we find ourselves growing older and more importantly--growing up. That's life. Sometimes we get hurt and it stings....and sometimes we fight back because we think it might change something or at least you've said what you need to say....but, most of the time, it leaves you clinging to more hope that you got through to them or that something could have changed....when I wish I had known then that forgiving was the only thing that could possibly bring peace to this heart. There's a difference between fighting for something you believe in and seeking revenge. Peace and comfort rarely comes with the latter. 

So, no, I didn't run over to her like someone in the movies would have. Quietly, in my chair across the room, I finally let the distance be comfortable. I didn't wonder if she was looking at me. I didn't hope that she could see me smiling. I didn't even pay attention to who she was meeting. I lived as if she was someone I knew once. And she was. 

I had always been hard on myself for holding on for far too long to the things I should have let go of....and for the first time in a long time, for just long enough, I let go of the wheel and it was as freeing as I imagine it would be for Maya to spend the entire car ride home with her head hanging out the window.

I am certain that she couldn't have known that her presence alone did that for me tonight but I am thankful for the moment that gave myself the room to grow.

Sometimes we don't have these big, dramatic, eye opening moments. Sometimes they come to us quietly and we can miss them if we're not careful...if we're not paying attention to the only moment we have for certain which is right now. Sometimes we wait for the brick wall to stop us in our tracks so we can have that "defining moment" on our journey....when, sometimes, we just need to define the moment. So, that's what I did....I let love be my avalanche tonight...and it was enough to stop me in my tracks, take a good look around, and whisper to my heart, "I forgive you"

And I walked to my car and never once looked back....not even for a second.