.Three Years.

Three years ago today I married my best friend. I woke up at 5 am....and, in fact, I can remember rolling over to face my best friend just hoping she would wake up and when I saw her eyes open I simply whispered, "I'm getting married today" in the most excited whisper one could have. We woke up and it was this rainy sleet mixture but I didn't care....I got my hair done and I can still remember the glow I wore along with that beautiful white dress. 

I cried the entire way down the aisle...nerves, joy, butterflies, dreams, hopes, all wrapped up in one very long aisle but there he was, waiting for me....tears and all...and he took my hands, whispered every sweet thing he could before the beautiful celebration began and eased my every worry and fear...all in under 3 minutes. That's the thing about him--he knew what I needed and how I needed it even before I did. I think that's what happens when you love someone so much...they become a part of you--an extension of your very self....and it's as if you're putting on their socks in the morning--you just know which foot goes in first. I never worried about how tightly he held my heart--I had no fear of it breaking...and while we certainly had our moments, I always knew that his grip held me tightly but gave me room to breathe. Like I said, he knew just what I needed before I ever did. 

Before I knew it, the vows were said, rings exchanged, and we were walking down that very long aisle as husband and wife. It's amazing how different the walk was on the way out. Joyful....I had committed to a man who loved deeper than I could have ever imagined possible, who communicated, listened to me, and who proved to be the strongest soft hearted man I have ever met....and, in what felt like mere seconds, the day was over--we had danced our dance, mingled with guests, and neither one of us could remove the smile from our faces. We were just happy....and, it turns out, that was all we would ever desire.

The aisles and the long walks are what I remember the most. Only 14 months and 12 days later did I walk down another seemingly never-ending aisle to celebrate his life. I remember that too...like it was yesterday....the nerves, butterflies, sorrow, sadness, tears, anger, and confusion as I held tightly to the casket that only housed what was left of my amazing husband's earthly self. Again, before I knew it I was standing before 108 people talking about him as if he was gone....and, somewhere in all of that, I realized that he was. I can't tell you how many different ways I've tried to make sense of it all. I can tell you, though, that every time I come up short. All the rationalizing in the world doesn't fill the other half of our bed and there isn't a single justification I can make to take the hurt away.

The walk back down the aisle, after all the blessings had been said and the peace-be-with-you hugs were given was just as long...as Be Not Afraid was sung and I, again, clung tightly to his casket I remember vividly asking God to hold him and, in the same breath, to carry me until I can do it on my own again. I trusted, believed, and somehow, had hope that it wouldn't be this way forever...and I knew I had nothing to fear...I knew God would provide....but I didn't know when or for how long or even how I was going to continue getting through the days. But, still, I walked down that aisle and out of that church and again, I was changed.

I still have rare moments where I need to go to the cemetery and read his name on our headstone to really be convinced that he's not on vacation....but today is one of those days. I have quickly learned in the last few weeks that it wasn't just one anniversary he'd miss....it's all of them. The continued moments that mark time that he is absent for....and each one is just as hard, if not harder, than the first. My heart still breaks a little each time...but, thankfully, I can count the hours and even the minutes and know that it will all be over when the clock strikes midnight....then it's 364 days away...which is a long enough distraction to get me through until it comes again.

I have hope that it won't be this way forever and that, while it will always be hard, it will someday become such a constant that I know exactly what to do. Until then, though, I'll just keep swimming and pray that soon enough the tide brings me to you.