It's been a while since I've been here....mostly because this time of the year sucks the life right out of me. I feel extra grinch-like this year....not that I haven't been here before. I know this place, this season, this feeling...what to expect and how I'll feel on Christmas year...but every year the depth of the loneliness changes...last year I felt like I was on top of the world and had a million and one reasons to be thankful....this year, not so much--this year the length and width of the very darkness seems overwhelming and it just might be. On top of that, I am still so unsure of who I am lately--I hide behind smiles, laughter, positive facebook statuses and jokes hoping that just once someone will see it for what it really is--a giant act....that there is a girl inside of me that wishes someone could see inside my heart for just a moment....even more, hold it until I get my proverbial act together.
That all brings me here, trying to sort it out....and completely unaware of where it will take me. I have a big heart and with that heart comes feelings, expectations, disappointments, and uncertainty. I have often wondered if I expect too much and if every let down has begun to harden my heart. I would be foolish not to acknowledge it...but, I am very aware of the many ways it has impacted me as of late. Friends who just aren't there...bridges I've burned without meaning to....and the ever apparent expectation I've placed on myself--be strong, at all costs....and even when you're not, be stronger. Enough said. Those very things are what has brought me to this pretty ugly place as of late. I feel like I am burdened by should haves and empty promises and it has surfaced a lot of different emotions....literally and honestly, my heart is broken and I am losing hope which, if you know me, is not like me at all....but I'm tired, hurt, and quite lost without direction.
I am counting my blessings--sometimes twice or three times--and reminding myself how fortunate and lucky I am but I don't feel anything lately....no joy, no real sadness..I cry but I'm not entirely sure what triggers it. I just float....hoping either my balloon will pop or someone will catch it and bring me back into reality. It feels like I'm just waiting....stuck...perhaps for God to show me just how limited I am on my own and that I need to trust Him....but it's sure hard to trust. Just when I think I'm getting there, something else hits me--someone says something or does something and here I am, again, wondering just why I try so hard....and how much I'm willing to continue to take until I realize this isn't working. I'm not a punching bag...but right now, you wouldn't know it. I am wondering how many apologies it takes until someone lets me off the hook for something I didn't mean to do....how many different ways I can beat myself up for that very thing....and how many times I will really convince myself they'll come through this time--last time they didn't know how much I needed them but somehow this time they have to see it....they have to see the hurt I am carrying...they just have to know...
Reality is, they don't. They don't have any idea how much I need them or how my heart is breaking and that every day isn't easy for me. I struggle, get back up, and try again....but people see me behind the lens or busily rushing into work or getting settled in my pew....and never think twice about it...and here I am, lost, alone, and completely defeated.
Some days you don't win. Some days you just have to hope tomorrow has got to be better, pull the covers over your head and hope that you can escape for just a little while.
