.Ireland.

I miss Ireland. Sigh. That trip changed my life....and I miss the beauty of it all. I miss a whole week with my best friends and a culture that would ultimately capture my heart. There's nothing like finding yourself among those who don't know you....it's freeing and beautiful. Ireland changed me and I miss that country.

I've never fallen in love with a place before....but it was hard not to here. The people were so sweet, everyone so helpful....the scenery so breathtaking....the castles filled me with awe....and the churches--well, they captivated me. There is nothing about that trip that I didn't love....except maybe the first day of driving. I miss the way I felt when I was there....it's amazing to not have any stress other than what you are going to do that day. It's amazing to just explore something I could never have known before and to learn absolutely everything I could in such a short amount of time. Amazing. 

I want to go back. A million times. I want to see more....meet more people.....find more little restaurants....spend more time in the green pastures....see more sheep. Sigh. I miss Ireland. I wish I could take everyone I love there. I wish you could all feel the love I have for it in these words. I wish we could teleport there. I wish you could know, for five minutes, the feeling I still get in my heart. 

Oh, Ireland, how I miss you....don't worry, I'll be back again someday...to be ever changed again.

.Observations.

There are no do-overs in life....for me, only in mini-golf and even then, they're usually pointless....but why do we often choose to do things as if we have a do-over in store somewhere and can pull it out when necessary? I don't understand it. People get hurt and we rely on apologies and forgiveness and while both of those are very important, why not just do the right thing to begin with? I understand that people will always get hurt, often unintentionally, but it's the intentional decisions that make me question people and their motives.

I guess that's how people get cynical....because we get burned one too many times....because hearts get broken and people's tolerance shattered.....because we begin to actually believe we really are better off alone.....but who wants to be alone? No one. Then we become bitter. It's a vicious cycle really....and all because, sometimes, people don't say what they mean because they don't want to hurt someone else....and instead, people get trampled on and run over and sometimes you don't come out of it the same....sometimes it just hurts.

I've seen it happen a lot....experienced it myself a few times too. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes....I guess I just wish people were more true to themselves....and less worried about how everyone will see them. I need to work on this myself but I think if we tried harder at this, everything else might fall into place. It's funny though, we keep on doing the same things, often hoping they're working and even the people closest to us have a hard time telling us how it is....I guess I'm a believer that if I love you enough, then you deserve to know how you're treating yourself and others....not everyone appreciates this....in fact, there are few people who want you to dig deep enough to move past the surface and tell you how it is. Maybe that's why I've lost some friends....because honesty, as much as everyone wants it, isn't as appreciated as a sugarcoated compliment.

I'm not sure what made me think of all of this today....just that I'm a good observer and, lately, a better listener. I've seen the way people treat each other and it could be better. I've been this person at times in my life....but I'm thankful I'm not her anymore. I'm not getting any kind of a do-over....so I'm going to make the best of what I've got right now.

.Fifteen Months.

For good measure, I want to reflect on today. Today is 15 months since I last laid eyes on my beautiful Christopher....and so much has changed since then. I remember this time last year--Christmas was creeping in, Thanksgiving, the change of seasons....the cold....the long winter I was dreading....the tears, the laughter, the numbness...all of it is so fresh in my mind still. I don't know why that stuff stays with you. I mean, those ugly moments have a way of sticking around. The difference now is that they are mostly just an after thought....and my heart is filled with more hope than anything else. I am hopeful that my future will be filled with more of the beautiful moments than the ugly. While it takes time for that...I am hopeful.

In fact, I am hopeful and even a bit excited for Christmas this year. I've been thinking of getting myself a new tree. Ours has been quite climbed on from the cats and I compromised for color lights when I really wanted white. Chris thought white was boring. So, maybe I can go with boring this year.....boring is good sometimes. And, maybe a smaller one...maybe even a real one. Except real ones are a lot of work. Hmm. Decisions and options. I'll probably still get a fake one....I do boring well.

I still dread the long cold winters but this year I'm doing better at occupying my time. I've got things going on, stuff planned, and well, more activities that are less about distractions and more about constructive things that make me happy...or happier. You know, the good stuff that I wasn't so aware of this time last year.

Fifteen months...I still can't wrap my brain around that number. Fifteen. 1-5. It feels so long. In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't....but each day feels like forever. Sometimes the minutes still feel like hours and most of the time I stand back wondering if it could really be this long since I heard his voice or saw him smile or felt his arms wrap around me...and then I am reminded that it has been this long and while the days that pass are hard....most of the time, they're pretty all right. I laugh with my whole heart and I have joy in my life again. I sing as if no one can hear me and I listen harder to the people I love.....I dream bigger...I pray more.....and I love deeper. 

Sometimes people lose someone they love and they become bitter and angry instead of appreciating what we still have left. Believe me, I know as much as the next person that it doesn't always feel like much....but I also know that I am so blessed. I believe my heart will explode again....and for what reason, I'm not quite sure. So much of it is just having faith that this is just part of the journey. Yes, it happened to me. The love of my life died...but I'm not the only one it's ever happened to and it won't define me. It's just part of me. A big part.....but only part. I still appreciate being called Mrs. and I still am Olivia....I can be both....because God gave me the gift and, at times, the burden of being both....but it is because of hope, faith, and a lot of love, that I stand here today with more strength than I could have ever imagined having....all because of one man who would change the course of my life forever....and how blessed am I that he chose me. Beautifully blessed.

.Off The Hook.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing....forgiveness of self is even more powerful. I've been thinking a lot about that lately....letting myself off the hook for the things I could have probably handled a little differently and didn't....but can't change now. 

We surely are our own worst critics....we judge ourselves on how we look....how many abbreviations follow our name....how many zeroes are on our tax returns....how many friends we have on facebook....how big and fancy our car is....and how many square feet our house is. Rarely do we judge ourselves based on the random acts of kindness we have done....the depth of our prayers....the times we have been there when we were needed the most...the number of people we have helped....the countless hours we put into our full-time jobs and even more, the hours we put in when we come home and take care of everyone else. 

Don't get me wrong it is good to want more and to strive for better....to want our dreams to come true....but how long will we spend hanging our hats on our shortcomings? I used to think it was just me who always held myself accountable for all the things I haven't done but....on the other hand, I sure have done a whole lot with my life....and I'm a good person....there isn't a single abbreviation I could put after my name more important than that. 

Maybe today is the day I let myself off the hook....forgive myself for all the things I wish I could have been and accept that who I am is nothing less than any of those other big dreams I had once imagined....my life just truly went in a different direction and when people ask me, I always tell them I would do it all over again. I wouldn't say that if I didn't believe it. Maybe today is the day I stop holding myself to the unattainable and embrace the person I have become....because, while this journey has been long already....I have become a strong, faithful, loving, compassionate, caring, giving woman...and there isn't a single thing that could trump any of the above on the shortcoming list....not a house, a clothing size, a salary, any amount of friends on facebook, or any kind of brand name car. 

So, tonight is the night I forgive myself....let myself off the hook....and love every single bit of who I've become. She's pretty amazing....you might want to know her :) 

.Quality.

Talking is hard sometimes. I mean, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but you must, at times, let them know how you feel....and hope, that, if they're your friends they understand where you're coming from or they will try to understand. Sometimes, it doesn't go that way. Other times it goes better than planned...and sometimes, you just don't know how it went. Sometimes it's enough to just hope that you get through to the other person, even if it doesn't always make sense or seem right. 

That was my pep talk for myself. I feel it's time to address these very things with a friend or two of mine. It's funny, we don't know what we've got until it's gone and I'm pretty close to walking away. This isn't to say that they will miss me, but I know I will miss them and wonder what is going on in their lives and as much as I want to be there for them, I might not be and that is well, scary.....but sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. I always consider what I would tell one of my own friends in this very same situation....and then I try to take my own advice...you know, lead by example....except, example can sometimes be the hardest part. I don't want to be that person that puts it all out there because maybe, instead, they will walk away from me. Maybe I will be the one that loses. You never know how it will go....uncharted territory. Scary.....but I have faith that sometimes we do what is necessary, and that isn't always necessarily what is easiest. I sure could keep treading water and not get anywhere and sit in this spot with these friends who don't care enough to dig deep with me....and sure I'd have enough friends to invite to a cookout once or twice a year....but it's quality that I need, not quantity.

I'm not quite sure when the right time will be...if there ever even is a right time to have these blunt, honest conversations. I'm hopeful that it will just happen and before I know it will be over and we can see where we go from here. I believe God brings people into our lives at different times for different reasons...I'm not always sure of what they are but I hope that maybe we can get back on the same path and if we can't, then I am hopeful that I can be thankful...for the time we had and the things they have taught me....and mostly, for the love that they gave me.

.Ramblings.

I have a lot on my heart tonight. A lot. I'm not even sure where to begin. 

I'm blessed to have spent the last two days with really amazing people and friends. Today I got to go to an EDGE conference....it's for our church and I am a core team member leading middle schoolers to dig deep in their faith. So I was there today, soaking in all this information and trying to figure out how God lead me to this place in my life....but I don't know....maybe that's the true gift and beauty of it all....that I ended up here....that God placed me on this journey in just the right places at just the right times. It's days like today where I realize what little control I have over everything...

I've recently taken a look at my life as if I was on the outside....a look at this journey of mine. Realistic. Honest. Positive. I've come a long way from the stupid things I once did to the massive loss that changed my life forever to just being so thankful. It's been a long road and it's not even close to being over yet but I am so blessed. 

It is easy to find the negative in things. So often we forget all of the good we do....affirmation is necessary. We need to build people up--focus less on shortcomings and more on the positives, even when they don't seem to be all that much at times. I think if we did that we might be more successful in our own expectations and desires. Maybe we'd be happier....or more content with our own place in life. 

There are a lot of variables....but I have a whole lot of faith that good will always win and the good guys don't always finish last..

.Drip...Drip...Drop.

I love the rain....in fact, I would take a rainy thunderstorm once a week if I had a choice. It soothes me....and gives me an excuse to move a little slower and take things in that I normally wouldn't. I love the smell of it, the way it looks on the grass, and the way the air feels when you walk into it just after a good storm...crisp and cool (most of the time) 

I used to hate thunderstorms.....I have a vivid memory from when I was about 4 or 5 and I ran and hid under my dad's desk....he didn't see me under there and kicked me on accident when pulling in his chair--I squealed, of course, and it was then he told me that only Oscar The Grouch is afraid of thunderstorms and if I wasn't careful, the next time I went to hide under his desk, Mr. The Grouch himself might be waiting. Well that scared me enough to fall in love with them....I slept in the upstairs of our house at the time and when it would rain I'd go to the window and watch...even though I knew I should be sleeping....it became a relationship for me....the lightning and the thunder, and a little girl wishing a thousand wishes and talking to the Heavens as if they were her best friends. 

Not much has changed since then....except that I now know Oscar The Grouch lives and stays on Sesame Street...and I now have my own home where I open all the blinds to watch the rain hit the windows in some sort of rhythm. Maybe I love it so much because I know I can always count on the rain....I can count on it to be wet, the sky to be dark (usually), and I have relied on it my whole life to be the perfect lullaby just before bed. The thing I love the most though....are the rainbows.....little glimpses of Heaven wrapped into 7 or so magical colors, in perfect alignment, arching the sky. I always wondered how a rainbow happened until I just stopped worrying about it and, instead, took in the awe and wonder of it all. 

There are few things I rely on in my life as much as I do the rain....the pitter patter of the raindrops calms me....brings me inside my own head long enough to sort things out and sets me on my way again when the sunshine peeks through the clouds. Most of them time people associate these gloomy days with gloomy moods....but for me, it brings much needed peace and consistency....and while it is even difficult for me to get out of bed on these rainy days, it doesn't take much for me to go to my own windows and wish a thousand wishes.

.Slow Fade.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone....that's what they tell you. I just wonder, lately, why it must take the losing for people to have appreciated the having. Today isn't any different than any other day....but today is the day I think I'll stop making excuses for everyone else that hasn't made the time for me.

I'm good at throwing out life vests when people need it....in fact, I will throw you a life vest, bring you ice cream, and sit and talk about whatever it is that has you sinking.....but when I need a life vest...well, I find myself floating until I reach land on my own. It's becoming exhausting....and I'm finding myself drained. I don't know that I need anything but your time...and it seems that has become less and less. Yet, I spend my own time considering all the things that make you busy and make excuses as to why you just can't make time for me...and then I get upset and then I ask myself why I'm so upset about it--it's not like it hasn't been this way for a while....but I still want you to be a part of my life.

Sometimes I wish cutting ties was easier...but it always gets messy--seems, the blades are never sharp enough to cut straight through...there are always pieces that linger. Pieces that are left behind and memories....but the pieces won't ever fit back together again....at least, not in the same way. That's life though. Life happens. All the time. Unexpected things happen and people change and the people you once knew aren't the same. Sometimes we change with them and other times we don't....other times we stand back and watch as they go a different direction and we stand here, in our same spot, wondering how we got separated. It can happen quickly or it can take a while....most of the time it's just a slow fade.

So, here I am, wondering why it has taken all of this for me to see that the slow fade has happened and now someone just has to walk away. At this point, it will have to be me. I'm not sure if I'm ready but I don't know that there are any other options. Or maybe I should throw out the life preserver one last time....you know, for old times sake....except, I'm not even sure you'll be there to catch it.

.Stories.

Have you ever walked through a cemetery? I, of course, have....but not with as much curiosity as just this last Friday. My longest best friend came for the weekend....and she had never seen Chris' spot so, of course, I took her to his beautiful place beneath the large tree that now sheltered his body from the storms and the snow. We began to walk....checking dates, doing the math in our heads, wondering about these people's lives and stories, and in turn, wondering if there are people just like us that walk by Chris' and my stone and wonder those very same things. Maybe. 

This is what I would tell them......that he was loved. So often people have told me of the many things and reasons Chris was taken so early but what I think people forget is that Chris, too, was touched by all of us...and loved unconditionally. I've had many tell me about his "purpose" in my life...but perhaps I, too, had purpose for him...perhaps my love was part of his very beautiful life. I would tell them he was happy....so full of life. He loved with his whole heart and was the best man you'd ever meet. I'd tell them he was funny....so funny. I'd talk about his love for his sports teams and how he'd turn into the biggest grouch when they lost....I would dread Packer Sundays if they lost. I'd invite them to sit under the comfort of this very large tree and listen to his story while I reminisced about his life. It really doesn't feel this long.....sometimes I still feel like this is the longest game of hide and seek we've ever played. Of course, I wouldn't have to tell anyone that. 

Then, we would walk away....and I would think about those people every now and again for the rest of my life....and they might think of me.....but they would always think of Chris...because, well, I'm sure they would be back to walk through the cemetery again and he's not going anywhere. It amazes me how some things will always stay with you. Some lives, some people....because we all have a story. 

Often I would walk past those headstones just on my way to get to Chris......and now, I have a much different view. It has made me so conscious of how short and precious life is....how sacred love is....and that we never know when the time will be....I certainly don't want my end date on our stone just yet....so it's time to make the best of the moments we've got....because my story certainly isn't done being written yet.

.Getting Real.

What's the best part of your day? Or what made you happy today? I've been focusing more on those two things....asking people what has made them smile instead of just "how are you." I've noticed that people tend to always give you the same old "good" response when you ask them how they are and even when you give them an honest answer....it sometimes catches people off guard. How are you has now become a means of quick communication--you know, just something to say in between your busy meetings and appointments so people actually think you want to know....but I really do want to know....the real answer.

I have found more and more that people want you to believe their lives are more than what they are. People will lie to themselves and others when confronted on how they are, their relationship is, their job is or how their checkbook looks. It's amazing...we all want others to see more than there is but what we need to see is what really is. It's hard--we don't want people to know what hurts us or what we carry in the darkest places of our hearts....and maybe it doesn't have to go that deep....maybe we just need to use a different word. Maybe we just have to have one person who we can tell the darkest places of our hearts to. Maybe that's enough....or, for some of us, a good start.

So, how am I....I'm sure you are wondering. : ) I am pretty all right. Busy. Trying to juggle lots of different balls in the air and, at times, I am not quite so successful....but trial and error is what defines us. You know, the whole falling and getting back up part. My relationships is challenging--long distance has never really been my thing. My job is good--I find myself happy at work and feel like I do a good job and make a difference....I can tell you I don't know how I landed this job or how God placed me here but it has been a true blessing. My checkbook is balanced...after a lot of backyard projects, I'm back to saving, saving, saving....but thoroughly love this backyard of mine. I have a super busy day of appointments ahead of me tomorrow and a wedding for some of my very best friends this weekend. It's going to be pretty amazing and I'm excited I get to share in it. It has made me think of my own wedding and what a beautiful day it was. I don't know how else to describe it....just happy and lovely. A pretty good combination

So there you have it....real, honest answers. How are you today? What's been the best part so far? I would really like to know : )

.Ditch The List.

I'm a sucker for chick flicks. This weekend I have managed to watch Pretty Woman twice and Jerry Maguire....I love these movies. Love. I think it's because I love a good ending....and really, who wouldn't love either one of their endings? The knight in shining armor rescues them....and promises to take on the world together. Yep, I still believe in happy endings....the sappier the better. I don't know quite what it is but so much of it lies in the story and so much more in the love....we all know how they'll end. Rarely are there sappy movies without a sappy ending....but we wait, in great anticipation of what will come...and when it does, sometimes we cry....sometimes we find ourselves envious....and usually, I let out one of those happy, contented sighs, as if to say, "That's exactly how it should be."

Love can make people do crazy things.....and sometimes, it even makes you feel like you are going crazy....yet, we all long for it and dream of those same sappy-happy endings. My idea on love is a bit different now. Of course, I still love Chris from here to the moon...and I'm not sure that it ever stops....so, then what? I still believe that someone could come into my life and change it.....though, I'm also accepting that it may not happen...and well, that's becoming more and more okay. I'm learning love comes in many different forms and isn't always entirely what we envision it to be when we're younger. 

I have always carried a list in my head of things I want in someone....wants, needs, and deal breakers. One of my friends told me I need to let go of the list....to have no expectations....and well, I'm embracing it. Don't get me wrong, I sure don't want a douche bag in my life....but maybe it's not necessarily about a checklist and more about getting to know someone and appreciate them for who they are, even with some shortcomings. I wonder if we all ditched the lists what we would find....would we take a second glance at someone we normally would have turned our cheek at initially? Would we sit and have a conversation with someone instead of avoiding them because they just don't meet our height requirement? 

Sometimes I think love and life without expectations is really the way to go-it certainly would be easier-but achieving it is hard...and it requires effort each day to stop finding yourself disappointed in the little things and instead, appreciate the big every-things. 

So, are happy endings just in the movies? Does it really exist? I think so....I just think we often spend so much time wishing for the sappy-happy knight in shining armor that we miss what is right in front of us....love. Love is all there is when you think about. When you're sad-you want someone you love to just love you, when you're happy you want to share it with someone you love, when you're angry you want to vent to someone you love. Love is hard work and can be complicated and messy but anything worth having requires effort and patience.....if it were easy, people wouldn't fail at it so often. 

Here goes nothing.......no more list.....just more love....no expectations....just appreciation for who we all are. Now, isn't that a beautiful concept.

.Lemons.

Life is what you make it--that's what they tell you. Sometimes you get lemons so make lemonade. Sometimes nothing goes right, instead go left. Unfortunately, none of these give me much comfort as of late. I'm not good at making lemonade and I'm naturally right hand dominant so I don't really like to go left. In fact, if I'm lost, my first instinct is always to turn right....I'm not sure why, just is.

I wonder, often, how we get to where we are going....and when we are off track, how we get back on. Unfortunately, we never have a road map and we fight the whispers God tries giving us until he slams us with a brick wall...and then, of course, we begin to listen and then wonder why we ever even tried to fight.

I have a great friend who I have known longer than most of the people in my life. She has eased my bad days with strawberry pancakes and chocolate chip cookies. She is amazing. She has also been faced with hard decisions that will change the course of her life, undoubtedly. I am constantly amazed by the strength she has and, even more, her will and character. She makes me want to be better...and challenges me to be more loving, more caring, more selfless....all the things she embodies. I don't think she always sees this in herself, but I do. Every single day. I see this beautiful woman fight for herself and her beautiful child and her family. She has never been a quitter and doesn't give up easily. She makes me strive for more. She is one of the few people I would squeeze those lemons for....because sometimes we all need a friend....someone to help carry our load for a little while--just long enough to dust ourselves off and try again. That's just what friends do....they show you who you are through their eyes so that someday you might see those same things through your own and they stand by you until that day comes.

Life gets and, sometimes, stays messy. What they should tell you is not to wear white...and that sometimes even the lemonade tastes sour....and sometimes U-Turns are in order.....and that you should lean....lean on the people who love you.....let them love you.....and maybe that we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We live and we learn....and hopefully, we move on from it and we are better for it.....and maybe we should hug more. Hugs make me feel better....so maybe we should always have a hug before we start taking on those lemons.