I will forever mark time by this day. I came here on the 24th of every month for the first year to mark progress so because it is what I know, it is only fitting to be here again.
Sometimes it seems like forever since then and other moments, like it was just yesterday. This week has been difficult...I found myself in bed by 7:30 just a couple of days ago because I was sick of hurting and just wanted it all to go away. In the last week, I have laughed and cried and remembered him in ways I never imagined I could without feeling guilty for having moved forward. I have watched my wedding videos, remembered those promises that we exchanged and reminded myself I am not the only one who has ever lost or will ever lose their spouse too young. But really, I just miss him. I miss him with all I've got. I wish there was some profound way of saying that but there just isn't.
For the last three years I have rearranged dreams, plans and a life that we so loved and I have listened to our beloved Maya cry and howl at the sound of an ambulance each time one passes by. I have stared at photos of a time when I was so happy and wondered who that girl in that frame is. I have clung tightly to every moment, every memory, every little piece that I have had left knowing there is nothing tangible that can bring me comfort on a day like this--not a hug in a box or a kiss in a jar--my most favorite things are only in my heart.
In the last three years I have traveled, opened my heart and eyes to more things than I ever imagined, tried my hand at finding love again, started a business on the fact that life is short and you better do what you love while you have the chance, taken leaps of faith, volunteered, worn my heart on the outside, and continuously put one foot in front of the other. I have carried this amazing man's memory with me every single day and could not ever imagine that this year would bring me to 1095 days without him.
I have come such a long way but this is only my third June 24th...and I still miss him like crazy. I am reminded by this day that there is not a single thing I have to complain about. I had a husband who loved and adored me for a variety of reasons and losing him was the hardest and most leveling experience of my short life....suddenly I found myself building a foundation on rock bottom and hoping it would hold and here I am living proof that you can start over. I have laughed again and found joy and happiness in the simplest of pleasures. I have learned to enjoy my own company and have lately enjoyed dinners at a table for one at my favorite spots, movies on my own, and various other excursions where I had always been too uncomfortable to go alone. I have found that so much of me is because of this man and so much of who I am has been shaped by the loss of his beautiful life.
In the last three years, I have lost friends but the few steady and strong remain and I am so thankful for the way those friendships have strengthened. I have been blessed to have a family who has cared for me and taken care of me in a way I can only describe as unconditional love and I am so grateful. I have met new people, made new friendships and I've seen just how much care and compassion there still is in this world.
I don't know much about life but I know a bit about living and I write this with a heavy but gracious heart tonight. There are defining moments in each of our lives and it all comes down to what we do with what we've got. I am thankful I have had the space to take this journey at my own pace and so grateful for the love that has been with me the entire way.
And, finally, to my Christopher--there is never a single day I do not think of you. Today, I will remember your laugh, curly hair, hazelish eyes, and your amazing heart. If I knew then what I know now, I would still say "yes"....I would still promise with "I do" and I would still give you my heart...without any hesitation at all. I miss you.....I miss my very best friend....the one who knew always what I needed before I did and laughed at my jokes even when they weren't that funny. I miss your singing....I miss your laughter....and a hundred other things. I love you, Monkey....from here to the moon. Until we meet again...
