finding your parade

i've spent a lot of time reflecting lately....on life, love, friendships, and a variety of other things. i struggled in the last couple of years with my physical placement. i wondered, often, if i was where i was supposed to be...and it's funny, you rarely realize that you are when you're in the middle of the wondering. it's a place where you second guess, overthink and over analyze nearly everything. and it's not so great. 

so, i've made a point to begin to find my silver linings in the last few months...and it's actually made me better. it's made me stronger, more aware, and much more thankful. 

i stopped thinking about how badly i want a baby and began thinking about the many children in my life who are awesome. i stopped being frustrated about whether or not i'd find someone again and i chose to find me....and it's been fantastic. i stopped worrying. really. i just stopped.

and i began to find myself fulfilled. 

i have so much to be thankful for. amazing friends who consistently call just to say 'i love you' and a fantastic family who supports me in absolutely everything. so many people have no idea what that's like. 

and how easy it is to take it for granted. 

mostly, how often, i take it for granted. 

that's the scary part.

part of it is that i'm selfish. we all are. we think we are the only ones who doubt or question or have problems with life. and when we do that, we forget that we all have our own hurdles....and jumping the high ones are hard. we don't talk about them. we hope that we can just manage on our own but we really all know how that turns out, don't we? 

sometimes you need someone. to help you over the hurdle.

and after multiple conversations lately with different people, i'm realizing how unaware of this we are. 

who decided that we should get through this "stuff" alone? maybe it's because i'm a widow and when my husband died, i had no other choice but to rely on people. so it turned me into a super communicator.

which is funny because i've always been a talker.

but i've not always been a communicator. 

there's a giant difference. one includes talking...the other includes talking about the hard stuff. the stuff that makes you grow. and the stuff that is hard to hear....because, let's be real for a minute--no one, and i mean no one, loves talking about the places that need improvement. not even me. but i'm open to it....because, it's necessary in my life. 

and, sometimes, when someone tells you the hard stuff, you need to have someone to call. someone in your corner. someone who will sing your song and fly your flag....even when you just don't feel like you deserve a parade.

it's why we're all wired for connection. 

because our hearts desire something deep. 

so we should stop fighting it.

we should call just to say hey. and i love you. and i miss you. and, please, will you just come over? during the good and hard moments. 

we shouldn't feel like we can't or that we need to do it on our own. 

because we're wired for connection. for something bigger than any of us understand.

and for someone....some days just anyone at all....to tell us that we're loved. and awesome. and worth so much more than the things we play in our heads.

that we need to be patient.

and while we're patient, we need to know that others are waiting with us. for us. so they, too, can join your parade and fly your flag. because isn't that what life's all about??

celebrating.
living.
THRIVING
finding joy
and the silver linings.....
never forget the silver linings.

a lesson on awesome.

somedays I forget.
that I'm awesome....and doing everything I'm supposed to.
somedays I feel like I need a cheerleader. and I wonder if other people notice it, too.
let's be honest...we never know how much we need other people until we're in the moment and it feels like it's been crashing all over you for far too long....we also never know just how awesome we are if we never hear it.

it's easier to remember your earthquakes. your mistakes. your missed opportunities. your countless shortcomings.

because we're told so many times that no one is perfect. we're so human. and it gives us permission to take on our earthquakes and own them rather than focus on our triumphs. our mountains. our victories. the wins. and the things that, at our core, reflect who we are.

so here I am....needing a cheerleader.

a patient told me the person before me was much more bubbly and friendly than I.

it struck a nerve.

because I am friendly. and bubbly. and nice. and awesome. and I spent my morning meeting telling my coworkers how awesome we all are. building up their victories and strengths and avoiding the earthquakes. so hearing that I may not actually be awesome is hard. or that I'm not what someone is used to. then again, I shouldn't be. I am different. I like different. I even like me.

and now, I'm finding the many ways I've justified my shortcomings are coming into my head. I should fight them...honestly, I definitely shouldn't even let it bother me for a minute. because, for that 1 there are at least 10 others who really do think I'm awesome. but, much like other people, that doesn't make it okay for me in this moment.

I wonder, often, why people need to verbalize the things that aren't very nice. the part of your brain that should think before you speak just doesn't work very often. and it's hard to not feel like you're sometimes taking the brunt of someone who doesn't realize the many ways their actions impact you.

but we're human, right?

we aren't perfect.

and we make mistakes.

so it's okay.

or, we'll tell ourselves that until it is.

and i'll pray that someone reminds me I'm awesome in the mean time.

because everyone needs a cheerleader.

and everyone, even me, is awesome.

truth.

so. i should be editing.
or doing something productive.
instead, i'm trying to talk myself into editing and doing something productive.
obviously, i've ended up here.

this week kind of took the wind out of my sails.
i'm lacking any kind of real routine.....i'm finding myself exhausted at the end of this week and it's all fueled from emotions.
and while i should be editing....i'm not sure if editing is what i need. mostly because i have my puppy staring at me waiting for cuddles and if my heart isn't in it today, it's probably not going to be in it tonight so, with many things, forcing it isn't the best choice in my honest opinion....and if it were anyone else, i would say the same thing.

it is entirely true that the only one who knows your heart is yourself. and you can talk the shit out of it....orrrrr you could just live your truth which is what i'm trying to do.

but sometimes we get lost in all of the words. all the things we are trying to say or the many ways we are trying to ease people's hearts....and then, we just get lost in translation.

it's crazy, isn't it?? the ways we are wired....the things we cling to and the things we let go of....
life is harder than it looks. in fact, it'll bring you to your knees in so many ways that you never expected. on the flip side, it'll change you if you let it....it'll make you better if you embrace it....and it'll teach you a thing or two about gratitude.

i wear my heart on the outside. it means i'm easy to read and easily hurt. it also means that i give, invest, and love with my entire self. i'm always all in and there's never any doubt about where my heart is....but it's hard. really hard. and i'm fully aware that it isn't the most efficient way to go through life.

but it's who i am. and i can't change me.
because i like me.

she's funny. and smart. and she cares about people and things. and you can't find that just anywhere.

so i'm going to spend tonight thankful for her....for her voice, her heart, and the many ways she has found herself in the last few months. i'm pretty thankful i know her....i'm even more thankful i am her.

fight.

what a whirlwind of a week.....
it's been 7 days since i was here last.....if i'm being entirely honest, that was too long.
i've been fighting the good fight...battling through busy days and so many things happening. here are the upsides....
i spent another weekend in chicago.
i made it through some of the busiest and full days ever.
little logan christopher was born and my heart swelled.
i talked about my feelings and reminded myself that it is always best to be honest and truthful.
and then....in the middle of all of that....i found parts of myself unsettled, reeling and unsure.

it's amazing...it always hits me at the worst times. i find that when i am in the middle of the proverbial shit storm is when i'm battling my own heart.....
but i'm better at coping than i've ever been.
i'm better at dealing than i've ever been is really what it is.
and i'm working on myself and my heart. every day.

because, really, we are the sum of the choices we make....our thoughts, actions and words are all coming from somewhere so i'm trying so hard to be more aware of the many ways i am learning to live through it and not just get through it.

i'm learning that i'm fighting.

for every silver lining, good day, and happy ending that i pray comes my way.

that's all for now....so many other words on this heart but, for tonight, this is enough.

winter storm

if you're not from wisconsin, you wouldn't know that we had a storm today.....if you asked me about that storm at 1 pm this afternoon i would have told you it was pathetic and hardly "winter storm warning" but by the time i left the clinic at 745 this evening, the winds had picked up and it was cold and nasty. i debated staying in sheboygan but felt like the worst dog momma ever for even thinking of leaving maya and finley overnight.

onto the interstate i hopped, thinking that it couldn't be THAT bad.....and at first it wasn't....but then, it just kept getting worse and worse and worse....and soon, i wondered if i should turn around but i was already near cleveland and figured it had to get better at some point. in all honesty, i should have....but instead i put my brave face on and talked to my christopher the entire ride home.

i told him he couldn't let me die tonight...that i have a baby to meet and so much yet to do....and that i'm not ready. i even told him that if he didn't get me home safely, the conversation we'd have when i get to Heaven would not be the one i've been planning on for when i've lived a full and beautiful life. 

so, in all situations where you feel like you're really out of control, i did what most people do....i prayed....i talked to chris....i gave it all over.

and when i got home, i wondered how much easier life would be if i did that with my little stuff. my every day worries and hurts....and i wondered, even more, what's stopping me from doing it. what the hell am i afraid of? because, truly, handling it ALL on my own is draining and exhausting and while i haven't questioned my faith in forever....i am now questioning my faith in my faith. funny, isn't it? until something like winter storm braden came along i really felt like my prayer life was good, my heart is in and operating from the right place, and my worries were minimal--they were something only i needed to worry about. 

but that's not true at all. my worries are still worries. they are valid. and important. and they matter. so if i can pray through a drive that i do twice a day, then i can pray through this project for work, and the editing for my business, and the friends that i hope know i love them even if we don't talk every day, and the fact that i miss loving someone, and my baby fever, and that my parents aren't getting any younger, and a million and one other things. 

so, i'm determined to find my faith in my faith again.....and to stop letting so much rest solely on me. it's easy to do it--i haven't been taken care of by anyone in too long--but i have to learn to stop fighting the people who are here to help because if i don't i'll never let anyone love me in any capacity....and that's one of my worries, too. 

deep breath.

and for tonight, i'm finding myself grateful to so many for making sure winter storm braden didn't suck me into it's vortex....for the many people who checked in and cared enough to make sure i'm okay....and for a Love that never disappoints and is so much bigger than me. 

good night, friends. 

Dance

You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly--that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp. 

......

catching my breath.

what a crazy couple of days it's been and it's bound to only get crazier in the next week....but i'm rolling with it. and refusing to glorify busy.

i spent my entire yesterday and part of this morning in chicago for a seminar. whenever i go to these kinds of things, i really never know what i'm going to get. i've had the ones where the doc teaching has an ego so large you can't even fit yourself in the room, the warm-and-fuzzy-serve-people-and-they-will-come conferences, the marketing conferences, the law of attraction seminars, and even the ones where they make your doctor and boss stay home so you can "get down and dirty" about what you hate about your clinic. but yesterday was quite different....it was, literally, no bull shit and the best "coaching" i've ever seen. mostly, because it's your real life. the pieces that were hit on were all simple concepts if you know anything about sales or business in general. it isn't rocket science. there aren't any fireworks or magic tricks that go along with the things they taught....but it hit me differently yesterday than it had before.

i remember feeling like the energy was different than any conferences i had previously attended. my heart was shaking inside--but the good shaking--like when you go over a hill and on the way down your stomach does that little flip......i don't know how to explain it--i just know that at 9 am yesterday morning i felt more alive than i had in a while.

i remembered observing other docs and listening to questions and sitting at lunch among people who, by all definition, are potentially more intelligent than i and, for the first time in a long time, i just sat among them and soaked in it. while my opinion and thoughts are important, the doctor perspective is always fascinating to me.

it isn't that i don't get it. or that it isn't the same as mine. or that i don't care about the same things

it's that it's so much more.

as i talked with other docs and really noticed the way the gears are consistently turning and watching them interact with each other, i realized what a highly motivated profession this is. chiropractors aren't lazy and while i had always known that....i think it took it to a different level yesterday. i appreciated so much that speakers cared about ethics and moral code. in any profession, there is always the temptation to do something to "get ahead" but the honest truth is that you'll never stay there doing business or living life that way. you'll be okay for a while but soon enough it'll catch up to you....and then, you've got to be prepared to do the work to dig out or risk a downward spiral. as with most things in life, business or not, the right decision is rarely the easy one....and your moral compass matters.

and as i think about the many places i want to grow and see our clinic, i believe more than i ever have in this profession and the many ways it has changed lives. most of that comes from working beside a doctor who motivates me. both professionally and personally, i've never been this excited or motivated by another's success. are there hard days? yep. but most of the time, they're good days. it doesn't feel like work. it's not digging trenches. it's a mission.....and when the doc in front of me asked me what motivates me when he asked me why i chose chiropractic, i told him it's because i believe in our mission, my doc's vision, and his passion. with my entire self. down to the carpet fibers i believe in what we're doing. and i'm proud of that.

when i think of the last 36ish hours and the people i was surrounded by, i am endlessly grateful....and when i look at my life, i am more grateful for the highly motivating and successful people who surround me and sustain me every single day.

and will there be days when i don't feel this way? of course.
so when that may happen, please refer me to this blog posting.
and then tell me to get over it :)

because even though it's already monday tomorrow, i can't wait to get back in the office.

and that's something you can't put a price on....loving what you do....and why you do it.

purpose is important. knowing why you do it is more important.

after this weekend, i am more certain about both than i have been in a while. it was a bit of a reset...and much needed. so as i quietly processed my thoughts before dinner last night, i found myself with tears in my eyes at the many ways my choices and decisions have allowed me the space to really breathe again.

and, if you've ever felt like you can't breathe or you need to catch your breath, you'll know just what a gift that truly is.

gratitude.

after a rough week, i am taking stock in my many blessings tonight.

i made a decision a very long time ago to consciously live in gratitude.....and to be fully aware of the fact that people don't hear how much they are cared for nearly as much as they should. it isn't rocket science....and it won't win you any kind of recognition but thank and you, when you put them together, have the ability to change someone's day or make them realize just how loved and valued they are. who doesn't want that? who wouldn't want to know they are fantastic just for who they are?

i can't think of a single person.

so.....after a rough week, i am beyond grateful for the many people who listened, stepped up, swooped in, and were just there with their whole hearts. so many made conscious decisions to make sure i was okay and that has made me so very aware of the people who are in for the long haul.

some of them were people i knew would be there....and others were old friends and people who had fallen off the map in many ways in my life.....but that's the thing--people know you better than you think....and they show up. and sure, it isn't always during your normal and every day moments. that's the thing about timing--it is rarely perfect or right....you learn to adapt and to appreciate the people who love you, even if it only seems like they're there when you're in the middle of the storm....because you need to know you don't have to be the strong one right now or tomorrow or until the waves have subsided.

sometimes you just need to know it's okay to be you.

which is why it is important to let others know how important their "you" is. at least, i think so.

it's why i celebrate birthdays like it's the only day in the world that matters. it's also why i will back you up, fly your flag, and be in your corner forever.

because, someday....you're not always going to remember that you're important. and loved. and special. someday you're going to feel like crap. and you'll feel like you shouldn't be important for another person....because life is hard....and there are no instructions or guidelines for how to live it. so the mistakes sometimes feel like earthquakes. and the triumphs sometimes feel like you've climbed mount everest.

but it's more likely that you'll remember the earthquakes.

so, for those very moments, i will continue to remind you and everyone else that you are loved. and important. and awesome (if you are:))

because living gratitude is more than saying thank you. it's genuinely meaning it. it's knowing your heart cannot ever fill if you can't see the impact others make on you, whether positive or negative. it's courageously living from a place where you know you may get hurt but also knowing that how you leave people is important....and i'd rather be remembered for my grateful soul than anything else.

so that you'll forget the earthquakes....even if it's only for five minutes.

beautiful disaster.

it's crazy how quickly things change. i have spent the last twenty four hours learning some difficult lessons... my heart breaking....literally feeling it break.....and knowing that i somehow knew it was coming. i had denied the many ways i'd continue to lose when i made a choice to find happiness again. but i should have known better. and now that it's staring me in the face, i feel foolish for believing that I could come out unscathed...and it hurts more than i can even put into words.

so, in a feeble attempt at silver linings, i am reminded that my mom is one of the few people in my life who always know what i need to hear. she is honest and true and she sees things so differently....so objectively. i don't know why i can't be more like her or like that....or maybe it's because i am her daughter and she will always be on my side, in my corner, and she'll fly my flag forever. whatever the reason, her words were the only ones that provided the light bulb moments i so desperately needed. 

i'm making a conscious effort to focus on my right now...the people who are here and so committed to my life.....the ones who came and never left and the ones who i've never had to doubt or question.....i'm focusing on the things within my control and hoping like hell that momentum will pick up and my forward motion will soon take me further than i could have ever imagined possible. i'm finding myself all over again....different things and pieces.....and beautiful parts of my life that i couldn't quite tap into before because i wasn't ready....but i'm here now, open and so very ready for any possibility that may come my way. 

but it's true that it's the hardest thing in the world to have one foot partially behind you and the rest of your body mostly in your present...because it's a constant push and pull and sometimes you just can't breathe.

while my emotions are what are fueling this pain tonight, it is so much more than that.....i've had a headache from crying, i've questioned myself and my abilites, i've wondered where i went wrong and i've seriously questioned every single fiber of my being as value added in people's lives. i've never wanted to be a waste of space in people's lives and for the first time ever i started to believe it.....and i shouldn't have. ever. because i am. and i know i am. i know it because i can list easily the number of people who would tell you how i've changed them for the better. and who would walk through fire for me if i needed it....and the many who have. 

there are no instructions in this life....you just hope like hell you'll end up with the right regrets. the ones that make you feel like you lived and breathed and loved really flipping hard. so that, even if you can't always see it, you know you did the best you could with what you had. 

do i believe that i have given my entire heart to things and people i care about? yes. 
do i believe that i wasn't perfect and have made mistakes in my life? absolutely.
but here's the thing....
i own them. 
every flaw. every mistake. every single time i should have done something differently. i own it. 
and i learn from it.

it's not easy. and it takes a lot of courage to admit when you're wrong.

but i have to believe that God has a funny way of showing you what's really important.....and sometimes He is subtle....but, lately, He has been so loud. maybe because, for the first time in a long time, i'm in a space where I can really listen. there are so many things i had avoided, ignored and put away because i wasn't ready. 

and He has moved mountains for me. 

so while i have spent the better part of 24 hours feeling like i've been hit by a bus and run over a few ways, i'm certain there are silver linings that i haven't even processed yet, today....but mostly, that i was thanked just for being myself when i felt like i had completely dropped the ball. because that means someone SEES you....and they see you for who you are. 

i am certain that when i least expect it, all the pieces will fit and come together. 

i am also certain it will still hurt.

but i'm more certain that i will always have a soft place to land....even in the middle of this beautiful disaster.

and, for tonight, that has made all the difference. 

enormous.

how do you get through it?
i am endlessly grateful.

that's the truest thing i've said lately in a beautifully deep and unexpected conversation. when people don't know me that well and then they start learning about who i am, what makes me tick and all the balls i have in the air at once, they just look at me blankly. if i'm being completely honest, sometimes i look at myself that way, too.

but i am so ridiculously thankful.

people ask me ALLLLL the time how i did it....and how i DO it....and i just tell them how blessed i am. i could count my losses all day long....so could you. but i won't. because, at the end of the day, i want to look at the many ways God has given and not the ways He has taken.

 i could have it so much worse.

i know everyone says that....but you forget it until you're staring at someone else's worse and suddenly you become so thankful for the many ways it could be worse in your own space but isn't.

honestly, i remember quite vividly my own "it-could-be-worse." sometimes, i remember it just like yesterday...so i take stock in what i've got.

it's why i tell people how i feel. and i am thankful for those who tell me.
one of my very best friends tells me every night that she loves me. it's one of the most comforting and beautiful moments of my day. we both know loss too well.....so we know no one is guaranteed a single thing and she makes it a priority to check in continually, make sure i'm alright, plan adventures, and tell me she loves me every day.

i have great people in my life. my parents. my broski. my friends. my work family. my clients. my entire world is full of people who have stepped up for me at one point or another and they fill this heart of mine. i am emotionally fueled by people....all the money and things in the world won't change that i wear my heart on the outside and crave quality relationships in my life, starting with the one i have with myself.

so, while i spent this saturday evening at home nursing this headache, editing, and loving on my pooches, i remembered the unexpected conversation from yesterday morning and reflected on just how true it is for me.

and, while 2014 is still very new, i am loving that i'm living through it thus far and not just getting through it. there is a distinct difference.....and maybe not in the way i spend my days but the way i feel at the end of them that is different....the fullness that is in my heart is something i cannot fully express in words and what a gift that is.

so.enormously.blessed.

xoxo.

silver linings.

ahhh....another first new day of the new year.
it's crazy how much more fresh things seem on days like today. 
like everyone has renewed hope and seems to be full of excitement for the new year. 
well, nearly everyone. i've still seen those people posting about how bad it is already and i have to wonder where people allow themselves to lose that hope and excitement.
is it your first bad day?
is it the first time something doesn't exactly go your way?
is it the first time you miss an opportunity?
or is it when you realized that fighting to be happy is so much harder than just living with what you've got? 

it's crazy isn't it? that we give up so easily on the very thing we want most? 
when i've asked people what they want to be when they grow up, most people who aren't under age 12 respond with one word.....happy. 
and it's true for me, too. 
but happiness is hard. it takes work. and you have to endlessly fight for it....strive for it...and insist upon it.

i lost my joy in 2013. i stopped hunting for the silver linings. and somewhere along the way, i began to believe all the things that i had been fighting. all the words people had said about me....i let my hurt outweigh my happy. 

but somewhere deep down, i knew that wasn't me. and i fought like hell to get out of bad situations and negative spaces. i left people and i started to love myself again. i looked at who i was becoming...my heart that was hardening....and i decided that i needed to reclaim my joy. take my hope back. and find my silver lining again. 

step by step, i rebuilt. i think that's the thing we always forget--we're constantly rebuilding....not just at the beginning of the year....but always. our lives change and even shatter at different points and often when we are least expecting it or when we weren't looking. the rug gets pulled out from under you....the bottom drops out....and we identify with our sadness, sometimes, for too long. is it okay to hurt? absolutely. but so often we count our losses and not our blessings. 

but i woke up every single day.

and i had the opportunity every day to make the most of it.

it truly is that simple. and even when i got caught up in all of the complications, i still woke up every single day. 

so, while i know there will still be hard days....days that take the wind right out of my sails....i also know there will be silver linings and good days and that's what i insist on finding every day. 

i probably won't remember this all the time....so please refer me to this very posting when necessary.

but mostly, please help me continue to find joy....to make new adventures....and to insist upon a silver lining every single day.