winter storm

if you're not from wisconsin, you wouldn't know that we had a storm today.....if you asked me about that storm at 1 pm this afternoon i would have told you it was pathetic and hardly "winter storm warning" but by the time i left the clinic at 745 this evening, the winds had picked up and it was cold and nasty. i debated staying in sheboygan but felt like the worst dog momma ever for even thinking of leaving maya and finley overnight.

onto the interstate i hopped, thinking that it couldn't be THAT bad.....and at first it wasn't....but then, it just kept getting worse and worse and worse....and soon, i wondered if i should turn around but i was already near cleveland and figured it had to get better at some point. in all honesty, i should have....but instead i put my brave face on and talked to my christopher the entire ride home.

i told him he couldn't let me die tonight...that i have a baby to meet and so much yet to do....and that i'm not ready. i even told him that if he didn't get me home safely, the conversation we'd have when i get to Heaven would not be the one i've been planning on for when i've lived a full and beautiful life. 

so, in all situations where you feel like you're really out of control, i did what most people do....i prayed....i talked to chris....i gave it all over.

and when i got home, i wondered how much easier life would be if i did that with my little stuff. my every day worries and hurts....and i wondered, even more, what's stopping me from doing it. what the hell am i afraid of? because, truly, handling it ALL on my own is draining and exhausting and while i haven't questioned my faith in forever....i am now questioning my faith in my faith. funny, isn't it? until something like winter storm braden came along i really felt like my prayer life was good, my heart is in and operating from the right place, and my worries were minimal--they were something only i needed to worry about. 

but that's not true at all. my worries are still worries. they are valid. and important. and they matter. so if i can pray through a drive that i do twice a day, then i can pray through this project for work, and the editing for my business, and the friends that i hope know i love them even if we don't talk every day, and the fact that i miss loving someone, and my baby fever, and that my parents aren't getting any younger, and a million and one other things. 

so, i'm determined to find my faith in my faith again.....and to stop letting so much rest solely on me. it's easy to do it--i haven't been taken care of by anyone in too long--but i have to learn to stop fighting the people who are here to help because if i don't i'll never let anyone love me in any capacity....and that's one of my worries, too. 

deep breath.

and for tonight, i'm finding myself grateful to so many for making sure winter storm braden didn't suck me into it's vortex....for the many people who checked in and cared enough to make sure i'm okay....and for a Love that never disappoints and is so much bigger than me. 

good night, friends.