beautiful disaster.

it's crazy how quickly things change. i have spent the last twenty four hours learning some difficult lessons... my heart breaking....literally feeling it break.....and knowing that i somehow knew it was coming. i had denied the many ways i'd continue to lose when i made a choice to find happiness again. but i should have known better. and now that it's staring me in the face, i feel foolish for believing that I could come out unscathed...and it hurts more than i can even put into words.

so, in a feeble attempt at silver linings, i am reminded that my mom is one of the few people in my life who always know what i need to hear. she is honest and true and she sees things so differently....so objectively. i don't know why i can't be more like her or like that....or maybe it's because i am her daughter and she will always be on my side, in my corner, and she'll fly my flag forever. whatever the reason, her words were the only ones that provided the light bulb moments i so desperately needed. 

i'm making a conscious effort to focus on my right now...the people who are here and so committed to my life.....the ones who came and never left and the ones who i've never had to doubt or question.....i'm focusing on the things within my control and hoping like hell that momentum will pick up and my forward motion will soon take me further than i could have ever imagined possible. i'm finding myself all over again....different things and pieces.....and beautiful parts of my life that i couldn't quite tap into before because i wasn't ready....but i'm here now, open and so very ready for any possibility that may come my way. 

but it's true that it's the hardest thing in the world to have one foot partially behind you and the rest of your body mostly in your present...because it's a constant push and pull and sometimes you just can't breathe.

while my emotions are what are fueling this pain tonight, it is so much more than that.....i've had a headache from crying, i've questioned myself and my abilites, i've wondered where i went wrong and i've seriously questioned every single fiber of my being as value added in people's lives. i've never wanted to be a waste of space in people's lives and for the first time ever i started to believe it.....and i shouldn't have. ever. because i am. and i know i am. i know it because i can list easily the number of people who would tell you how i've changed them for the better. and who would walk through fire for me if i needed it....and the many who have. 

there are no instructions in this life....you just hope like hell you'll end up with the right regrets. the ones that make you feel like you lived and breathed and loved really flipping hard. so that, even if you can't always see it, you know you did the best you could with what you had. 

do i believe that i have given my entire heart to things and people i care about? yes. 
do i believe that i wasn't perfect and have made mistakes in my life? absolutely.
but here's the thing....
i own them. 
every flaw. every mistake. every single time i should have done something differently. i own it. 
and i learn from it.

it's not easy. and it takes a lot of courage to admit when you're wrong.

but i have to believe that God has a funny way of showing you what's really important.....and sometimes He is subtle....but, lately, He has been so loud. maybe because, for the first time in a long time, i'm in a space where I can really listen. there are so many things i had avoided, ignored and put away because i wasn't ready. 

and He has moved mountains for me. 

so while i have spent the better part of 24 hours feeling like i've been hit by a bus and run over a few ways, i'm certain there are silver linings that i haven't even processed yet, today....but mostly, that i was thanked just for being myself when i felt like i had completely dropped the ball. because that means someone SEES you....and they see you for who you are. 

i am certain that when i least expect it, all the pieces will fit and come together. 

i am also certain it will still hurt.

but i'm more certain that i will always have a soft place to land....even in the middle of this beautiful disaster.

and, for tonight, that has made all the difference.